Muppet Wiki

Kermiteye.png Welcome to Muppet Wiki!

Please visit Special:Community to learn how you can contribute.


Muppet Wiki

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 421: Doug Henning.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Oh Doug? Doug Henning? Thirty seconds to curtain, Doug.
Doug I'm rehearsing, Scooter. Come on over and watch.
Scooter Oh, great. I love magic.
Doug (chuckles) Wonderful, because this is a very beautiful illusion with my bare hands, and four very beautiful seashells.
He shakes the shells out of the bag, places them on a black cloth, and does his trick.
Doug (cont'd) Some sleight of hand. The poetry of magic.
The shells move from under one hand to another.
Doug You like it?
Scooter Wow! Your magic feats are amazing!
Doug Well, I thank you, and my "magic feets" thank you.
Magic Feets.jpg
Doug's shoes Oh, thank you! Thank you very much!
Doug and Scooter laugh.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Doug Henning! Yaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf (begging to above) Oh, please, don't make us watch it again!
Statler (laughs)
As Gonzo blows the final note, he begins to disappear from the wait up. His head remains.
Gonzo Goodbye! (disappears completely)

Opening number

Kermit enters, a sheet of paper in hand.
Kermit Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And folks, are you going to be amazed and astounded tonight. Because our very special guest star is that master magician, Mr. Doug Henning.
The audience "ooos."
Kermit Right! But, first...but first (reading the sheet) "For this very special evening, we have a very special lady." Uh, "It is my pleasure to appear with our own, adorable Miss Piggy, the gifted and glamorous..."
Miss Piggy stands in the wings, reading her own copy of the script along with Kermit.
Kermit & Piggy "Beguiling and sensuous, and sensational star of The Muppet Show."
Piggy Good. (exits)
Kermit "So, welcome if you will, the most beautiful pig in the world." (to the camera) She wrote that. (chuckles)
Piggy (off-screen) DON'T TELL THEM!
Kermit Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy! Yaaay!
Miss Piggy sings "It's Magic" while Kermit appears and disappears.
Statler Know the trick I'd like the frog to do?
Waldorf What's that?
Statler Make us disappear! (both laugh)


Fozzie is dressed as a magician, with a magic hat on a table. Robin watches.
Fozzie Okay, Robin. Ha-ha, here we go. (pointing to his sleeves) Nothing here. Nothing here. (pointing to his head) And nothing here. Ahhh! Alright, now I'm going to pull a rabbit out of this hat. One, two, three, presto!
A small rabbi appears from the hat.
Rabbi Shalom.
Robin Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a rabbi!
Rabbi You was expecting the Pope, maybe?
Fozzie Uh, sir, get down, please. Get down, sir.
Rabbi Ugh. (shrinks back into the hat)
Fozzie We'll try it again, okay? A rabbit out of a hat! One, two, three, presto!
A beeping robot appears from the hat.
Robin Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a robot!
Robot You were expecting R2-D2, maybe?
Fozzie Get down, get down.
The robot disappears back into the hat, still beeping.
Fozzie Excuse me, Robin. (yelling into the hat) Hey! H-where's the rabbit?!
Voice (SW) (from inside the hat) He's asleep!
Fozzie Uh, w-well, wake him up! This is big time! All right, a rabbit out of a hat. One, two, three, presto!
A rabbit flies out of the hat and lands next to Fozzie.
Fozzie H-hey, I did it!
Rabbit (SW) You shouldn't a'tapped the hat so hard!
Fozzie Why not?
Another rabbit flies out of the hat.
Rabbit (SW) See what I mean?
More and more rabbits fly out of the hat, screaming and among other wallah.
Fozzie No, stop! Hey, everybody! Can't ch'a stop?! H-hey, c'mon, guys! Isn't there any way to stop this?!
Rabbit (SW) There is, but, they don't teach us that in rabbit school.
Fozzie Ahhh! Kermit!
Fozzie runs toward the stage. The rabbits all follow, chanting, "Daddy."

Doug's magic act

Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, when Miss Piggy and I sang...
Fozzie runs through, screaming and followed by the rabbits, calling out, "Daddy!"
Kermit Um, uh, as I was saying, when Miss Piggy and I sang "It's Magic" a few minutes ago, we used a whole lot of electronic trickery. Uh, you will see none of that in the next few minutes because here is the real magic of Mr. Doug Henning! Yaaay!
Accompanied by two Mutations, Doug recruits an assistant for his magic act. The assistant is placed inside a box constructed of four pieces, into which metal sheets are inserted. Doug and the Mutations pull the pieces apart, dance around with them a bit, and then put them back together. As they open the doors to reveal the assistant, his head and waist have swapped places. Doug and the Mutations take a bow, but the assistant is furious and chases the magician off stage.
Waldorf Did you ever see anything put together worse than that?
Statler Yeah, my first wife. (they both laugh)


Surrounded by Robin and the rabbits, Fozzie wipes his brow with a golden handkerchief.
Fozzie Okay. Now, here is a terrific trick. Notice the egg and the handkerchief.
Fozzie covers the egg with the handkerchief.
Fozzie And now, I say, "Hocus pocus." (removes the handkerchief) Egg is gone! Ah-ha, huh? Thank you, thank you.
The rabbits grumble as Fozzie dons his top hat.
Robin Wow! You made the egg disappear! Now, that's what I call real magic!
Rabbit (SW) It's under his hat.
Robin It's where?
Rabbit (DG) Under his hat.
Rabbit (JH) Take off your hat! Take off the hat!
Fozzie embarrassingly removes his hat, revealing the egg sitting on the peak of his head. The rabbits all laugh.
Robin It was under his hat. It was only a trick. (leaves)
Fozzie Awww. Would you guys stop blowing my act, please?
Rabbits Awww, we're sorry, daddy!
Fozzie And I am not your daddy! I'm a bear, not a rabbit!

Dressing room

Robin hops into Doug's dressing room, which is empty.
Robin Doug? Huh, he's not here. Huh, maybe he made himself disappear. Oh, look at the magic stuff. Oh, I wonder if there's any magic in here.
Robin opens a tiny music box. He sits on the chair and sings "Leave Me Some Magic."

Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
Nurse Piggy bats at a rabbit in the doorway.
Piggy Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Rowlf' We've got to get down to business, Nurse Piggy. I'm running out of patience!
Janice That's what you think, Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob notices the pair of rabbits on the operating table.
Rowlf Holy guacamole! What have we here?
Dr. Bob pulls a rabbit out of the table, where it's replaced by another...and another...and another...
Announcer And so we've come to the end of the beginning of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, where you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf This has been a hare-raising experience! (all laugh)
Janice Oh, fer sure! Rully...

UK spot

Fozzie, followed by his rabbit posse, passes by a farmer backstage.
Fozzie Aw, c'mon. Leave me alone!
Farmer Uh, aw, hey! Could I have your rabbits?
Fozzie Hey, be my guest! (exits, laughing)
Farmer Hey, bunnies! Gather 'round!
The farmer begins to sing "Run Rabbit Run." When he starts firing his gun, Fozzie and the rabbits start singing the chorus, hoping to save their skins. The farmer looks for the rabbits and finds them hiding behind Fozzie.
Farmer Ah ha!
Fozzie Oh, d-don't! They're good, little rabbits!
Farmer Yeah. They'll be better with mushroom gravy!
Fozzie Here we go again!
Fozzie, the farmer and the rabbits sing another chorus. The farmer fires his gun wildly about and the rabbits run and fly all over.
Fozzie RUN! (picks up a rabbit) Save yourself, rabbit! (tosses it away) Ahh! C'mon, you guys! Get outta here!
Farmer Maybe I'll just settle for roast bear!
The farmer chases Fozzie away as the music ends.

Dressing room

Doug is about to sit down, and almost sits on Robin.
Robin Yipe!
Doug Robin!
Robin Oh!
Doug What are you doing there?
Robin Oh, I'm just shaking and screaming. What would you do?
Doug (sits down) I'm really sorry.
Robin Oh, well, that's okay.
Doug Listen, Robin, I have some magic that will really make you feel better.
Robin Heh. I doubt it.
Doug You do?
Robin Yeah. Fozzie's been doing some magic tricks for me, and … they're really dumb.
Doug Well, y'know, Robin, Fozzie hasn't really practiced and studied the art of magic. But y'know, Robin, there is real magic inside of each one of us. It's a magic that we all have that allows us to fulfill our dreams and turn them into reality. And all you have to do, Robin, is believe in your own magic. And then, nothing is impossible.
Robin Really?
Doug Yeah, i-it's true. Look. I'm going to show you some magic now that's just like you.
Robin You mean it's green?
Doug No, it's small.
As lively music plays, he hands Robin a yellow tissue, then makes a white tissue dance in his own hand.
Robin Wow.
Doug Your turn.
Robin tries to do what Doug just did, but puts the yellow tissue in his mouth and dances instead. Doug commands the dancing white tissue to jump in the bottle. He displays the yellow tissue. The white touches the yellow, and the yellow comes alive and dances. Robin is mesmerized as the tissues jump in and out of the bottle.
Robin Wow.
Doug puts a cork on the bottle. Applause.

"There'll Be Some Changes Made"

The Switcheroos sing "There'll Be Some Changes Made". Their act consists of dancing around in front of a tree while they instantly transform their costumes in a blink. The transformations eventually lead to changing their heads into babies and old ladies.


The Switcheroos exit from the stage.
Kermit Okay, nice number, ladies! Nice number.
Switcheroos Thank you.
Switcheroo (SW) Well
Switcheroo (LG) we were gonna
Switcheroo (KM) call ourselves
Switcheroo (SW) "The Switcheroos,"
Switcheroo (LG) but, we keep
Switcheroo (KM) changing
Switcheroo (SW) our
Switcheroo (LG) minds.
Kermit Yeah. Well, uh, listen, give me a call if you find out who you are.
Fozzie (entering) Ker-Kermit, Kermit. Kermit, uh, would you please introduce my act next?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Fozzie Would you bunnies leave me alone please?!
Fozzie leaves, pursued by a pair of rabbits.
Switcheroo (SW) Say, he's
Switcheroo (LG) kinda nervous
Switcheroo (KM) isn't he?
Kermit Uh, yeah, well, give him a break. He's been dodging rabbits all day.
Kermit leaves, as more bunnies head toward the stage.

Fozzie's comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit And now, we present, despite heart-rending appeals from Magicians' Union, that maladroit master of mangled mystification, Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens. Fozzie comes out as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Ah-ha! Thank you, thank you and thank YOU! Alright. Now. I will perform the famous Indian rope trick. But, I must have absolute silence for this to work!
The bunnies watch from the wings, giggling. As Fozzie plays his pungi, the rabbits watch the rising rope closely (which is very obviously attached to a string). They look above them to the fly system grid.
Rabbit (DG) Hey, who's that kid up there?
Rabbit (SW) What's he doing?
Rabbit (DG) Well, he's holding some kind of rope. Hey! Be careful!
Fozzie (pauses playing) C'mon β€” would you guys please stop it??
His hat accidentally falls off, revealing the hatched egg on his head.
Fozzie I don't know what happened! It used to be an egg! (the rabbits laugh) C'mon, guys, would you leave me alone, please!
He picks up the basket, causing Scooter to fall from the rafters.
Scooter (gets up) Wow. Lucky I landed on something soft.
Fozzie sways, dazed.
Rabbit (DG) Due to technical difficulties, the Indian rope trick has been canceled.
The rabbits laugh, Fozzie's fanfare plays and the curtain closes. Applause.

Doug's magic act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay! And now, it's time for REAL magic β€” (notices a rabbit) β€” it's time for real magic, once again, our very special guest, performing his most famous illusion, Mr. Doug Henning! YAAAY!
The rabbit mimes Kermit's actions offstage. The curtain opens on Doug.
Doug I need a volunteer to examine this trunk.
Doglion joins him and the Bird Dancers, demonstrating the sturdiness of the trunk.
Doug C'mon over here … c'mon in here …
Doug invites a female Bird Dancer to submit to hand shackles, being tied up in a cloth bag, and locked inside the trunk.
Doug … there, now put it on that one … hold on to the sack, way up high … there we go … c'mon, get inside, like this … don't forget the keys, hold out your hand … there we go.
Drumroll: Doug stands on the trunk which has been hidden behind a curtain.
Doug Now, don't blink your eyes, or you'll miss … metamorphosis! One two!
He ducks down behind the curtain while the Bird Dancer pops up and drops the curtain revealing the locked trunk. Doglion and the Dancers unlock the trunk to reveal Doug in the same hand shackles, having changed his costume. Applause.


Kermit Well, we've seen a lot of fantastic magic tonight. But before we make our final disappearing act, let us bring back the incredible Mr. Doug Henning! Yaaay!
Doug (entering) Thank you!
Kermit Yeah!
Doug Thank you. (chuckles) Kermit, I've just had a wonderful time tonight.
Kermit Oh, good.
Doug Hey! Let's bring out your own magician, the incredible Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie enters, surrounded by the rabbits.
Fozzie Thank you, thank you... hey, Doug. I'm really sorry about all this.
Doug Oh, that's okay. I love rabbits too.
Rabbit (DG) (gasps) You love rabbit stew?!
The rabbits begin to gang up on Doug.
Fozzie No! He didn't say that!
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie (amid chaos) They're very sensitive!
A rabbit pops up in Statler and Waldorf's box, as Looney Tunes-esque rings appear around him.
Rabbit (SW) (stutters) That's all, folks!
Waldorf knocks him out with a mallet. The two geezers laugh.