(begging to above) Oh, please, don't make us watch it again!
Statler
(laughs)
As Gonzo blows the final note, he begins to disappear from the waist up. His head remains.
Gonzo
Goodbye! (disappears completely)
Opening number[]
Kermit enters, a sheet of paper in hand.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And folks, are you going to be amazed and astounded tonight. Because our very special guest star is that master magician, Mr. Doug Henning.
The audience "ooos."
Kermit
Right! But, first...but first (reading the sheet) "For this very special evening, we have a very special lady." Uh, "It is my pleasure to appear with our own, adorable Miss Piggy, the gifted and glamorous..."
Miss Piggy stands in the wings, reading her own copy of the script along with Kermit.
Kermit & Piggy
"Beguiling and sensuous, and sensational star of The Muppet Show."
Piggy
Good. (exits)
Kermit
"So, welcome if you will, the most beautiful pig in the world." (to the camera) She wrote that. (chuckles)
Piggy
(off-screen) DON'T TELL THEM!
Kermit
Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy! Yaaay!
Miss Piggy sings "It's Magic" while Kermit appears and disappears.
Statler
Know the trick I'd like the frog to do?
Waldorf
What's that?
Statler
Make us disappear! (both laugh)
Backstage[]
Fozzie is dressed as a magician, with a magic hat on a table. Robin watches.
Fozzie
Okay, Robin. Ha-ha, here we go. (pointing to his sleeves) Nothing here. Nothing here. (pointing to his head) And nothing here. Ahhh! Alright, now I'm going to pull a rabbit out of this hat. One, two, three, presto!
A small rabbi appears from the hat.
Rabbi
Shalom.
Robin
Fozzie, that's not a rabbit, it's a rabbi!
Rabbi
You was expecting the Pope, maybe?
Fozzie
Uh, sir, get down, please. Get down, sir.
Rabbi
Ugh. (shrinks back into the hat)
Fozzie
We'll try it again, okay? A rabbit out of a hat! One, two, three, presto!
The robot disappears back into the hat, still beeping.
Fozzie
Excuse me, Robin. (yelling into the hat) Hey! H-where's the rabbit?!
Voice (SW)
(from inside the hat) He's asleep!
Fozzie
Uh, w-well, wake him up! This is big time! All right, a rabbit out of a hat. One, two, three, presto!
A rabbit flies out of the hat and lands next to Fozzie.
Fozzie
H-hey, I did it!
Rabbit (SW)
You shouldn't a'tapped the hat so hard!
Fozzie
Why not?
Another rabbit flies out of the hat.
Rabbit (SW)
See what I mean?
More and more rabbits fly out of the hat, screaming and among other wallah.
Fozzie
No, stop! Hey, everybody! Can't ch'a stop?! H-hey, c'mon, guys! Isn't there any way to stop this?!
Rabbit (SW)
There is, but, they don't teach us that in rabbit school.
Fozzie
Ahhh! Kermit!
Fozzie runs toward the stage. The rabbits all follow, chanting, "Daddy."
Doug's magic act[]
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, when Miss Piggy and I sang...
Fozzie runs through, screaming and followed by the rabbits, calling out, "Daddy!"
Kermit
Um, uh, as I was saying, when Miss Piggy and I sang "It's Magic" a few minutes ago, we used a whole lot of electronic trickery. Uh, you will see none of that in the next few minutes because here is the real magic of Mr. Doug Henning! Yaaay!
Accompanied by two Mutations, Doug recruits an assistant for his magic act. The assistant is placed inside a box constructed of four pieces, into which metal sheets are inserted. Doug and the Mutations pull the pieces apart, dance around with them a bit, and then put them back together. As they open the doors to reveal the assistant, his head and waist have swapped places. Doug and the Mutations take a bow, but the assistant is furious and chases the magician off stage.
Waldorf
Did you ever see anything put together worse than that?
Statler
Yeah, my first wife. (they both laugh)
Backstage[]
Surrounded by Robin and the rabbits, Fozzie wipes his brow with a golden handkerchief.
Fozzie
Okay. Now, here is a terrific trick. Notice the egg and the handkerchief.
Fozzie covers the egg with the handkerchief.
Fozzie
And now, I say, "Hocus pocus." (removes the handkerchief) Egg is gone! Ah-ha, huh? Thank you, thank you.
The rabbits grumble as Fozzie dons his top hat.
Robin
Wow! You made the egg disappear! Now, that's what I call real magic!
Rabbit (SW)
It's under his hat.
Robin
It's where?
Rabbit (DG)
Under his hat.
Rabbit (JH)
Take off your hat! Take off the hat!
Fozzie embarrassingly removes his hat, revealing the egg sitting on the peak of his head. The rabbits all laugh.
Robin
It was under his hat. It was only a trick. (leaves)
Fozzie
Awww. Would you guys stop blowing my act, please?
Rabbits
Awww, we're sorry, daddy!
Fozzie
And I am not your daddy! I'm a bear, not a rabbit!
Dressing room[]
Robin hops into Doug's dressing room, which is empty.
Robin
Doug? Huh, he's not here. Huh, maybe he made himself disappear. Oh, look at the magic stuff. Oh, I wonder if there's any magic in here.
Robin opens a tiny music box. He sits on the chair and sings "Leave Me Some Magic."
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Announcer
Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
Nurse Piggy bats at a rabbit in the doorway.
Piggy
Shoo, shoo, shoo.
Rowlf
We've got to get down to business, Nurse Piggy. I'm running out of patience!
Janice
That's what you think, Dr. Bob.
Dr. Bob notices the pair of rabbits on the operating table.
Rowlf
Holy guacamole! What have we here?
Dr. Bob pulls a rabbit out of the table, where it's replaced by another...and another...and another...
Announcer
And so we've come to the end of the beginning of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week, where you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf
This has been a hare-raising experience! (all laugh)
Janice
Oh, fer sure! Rully...
UK spot[]
Fozzie, followed by his rabbit posse, passes by a farmer backstage.
Fozzie
Aw, c'mon. Leave me alone!
Farmer
Uh, aw, hey! Could I have your rabbits?
Fozzie
Hey, be my guest! (exits, laughing)
Farmer
Hey, bunnies! Gather 'round!
The farmer begins to sing "Run Rabbit Run." When he starts firing his gun, Fozzie and the rabbits start singing the chorus, hoping to save their skins. The farmer looks for the rabbits and finds them hiding behind Fozzie.
Farmer
Ah ha!
Fozzie
Oh, d-don't! They're good, little rabbits!
Farmer
Yeah. They'll be better with mushroom gravy!
Fozzie
Here we go again!
Fozzie, the farmer and the rabbits sing another chorus. The farmer fires his gun wildly about and the rabbits run and fly all over.
Fozzie
RUN! (picks up a rabbit) Save yourself, rabbit! (tosses it away) Ahh! C'mon, you guys! Get outta here!
Farmer
Maybe I'll just settle for roast bear!
The farmer chases Fozzie away as the music ends.
Dressing room[]
Doug is about to sit down, and almost sits on Robin.
Robin
Yipe!
Doug
Robin!
Robin
Oh!
Doug
What are you doing there?
Robin
Oh, I'm just shaking and screaming. What would you do?
Doug
(sits down) I'm really sorry.
Robin
Oh, well, that's okay.
Doug
Listen, Robin, I have some magic that will really make you feel better.
Robin
Heh. I doubt it.
Doug
You do?
Robin
Yeah. Fozzie's been doing some magic tricks for me, and … they're really dumb.
Doug
Well, y'know, Robin, Fozzie hasn't really practiced and studied the art of magic. But y'know, Robin, there is real magic inside of each one of us. It's a magic that we all have that allows us to fulfill our dreams and turn them into reality. And all you have to do, Robin, is believe in your own magic. And then, nothing is impossible.
Robin
Really?
Doug
Yeah, i-it's true. Look. I'm going to show you some magic now that's just like you.
Robin
You mean it's green?
Doug
No, it's small.
As lively music plays, he hands Robin a yellow tissue, then makes a white tissue dance in his own hand.
Robin
Wow.
Doug
Your turn.
Robin tries to do what Doug just did, but puts the yellow tissue in his mouth and dances instead. Doug commands the dancing white tissue to jump in the bottle. He displays the yellow tissue. The white touches the yellow, and the yellow comes alive and dances. Robin is mesmerized as the tissues jump in and out of the bottle.
The Switcheroos sing "There'll Be Some Changes Made". Their act consists of dancing around in front of a tree while they instantly transform their costumes in a blink. The transformations eventually lead to changing their heads into babies and old ladies.
Backstage[]
The Switcheroos exit from the stage.
Kermit
Okay, nice number, ladies! Nice number.
Switcheroos
Thank you.
Switcheroo (SW)
Well
Switcheroo (LG)
we were gonna
Switcheroo (KM)
call ourselves
Switcheroo (SW)
"The Switcheroos,"
Switcheroo (LG)
but, we keep
Switcheroo (KM)
changing
Switcheroo (SW)
our
Switcheroo (LG)
minds.
Kermit
Yeah. Well, uh, listen, give me a call if you find out who you are.
Fozzie
(entering) Ker-Kermit, Kermit. Kermit, uh, would you please introduce my act next?
Kermit
Mm-hmm.
Fozzie
Would you bunnies leave me alone please?!
Fozzie leaves, pursued by a pair of rabbits.
Switcheroo (SW)
Say, he's
Switcheroo (LG)
kinda nervous
Switcheroo (KM)
isn't he?
Kermit
Uh, yeah, well, give him a break. He's been dodging rabbits all day.
Kermit leaves, as more bunnies head toward the stage.
Fozzie's comedy act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
And now, we present, despite heart-rending appeals from Magicians' Union, that maladroit master of mangled mystification, Fozzie Bear!
The curtain opens. Fozzie comes out as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie
Ah-ha! Thank you, thank you and thank YOU! Alright. Now. I will perform the famous Indian rope trick. But, I must have absolute silence for this to work!
The bunnies watch from the wings, giggling. As Fozzie plays his pungi, the rabbits watch the rising rope closely (which is very obviously attached to a string). They look above them to the fly system grid.
Rabbit (DG)
Hey, who's that kid up there?
Rabbit (SW)
What's he doing?
Rabbit (DG)
Well, he's holding some kind of rope. Hey! Be careful!
Fozzie
(pauses playing) C'mon — would you guys please stop it??
His hat accidentally falls off, revealing the hatched egg on his head.
Fozzie
I don't know what happened! It used to be an egg! (the rabbits laugh) C'mon, guys, would you leave me alone, please!
He picks up the basket, causing Scooter to fall from the rafters.
Scooter
(gets up) Wow. Lucky I landed on something soft.
Fozzie sways, dazed.
Rabbit (DG)
Due to technical difficulties, the Indian rope trick has been canceled.
The rabbits laugh, Fozzie's fanfare plays and the curtain closes. Applause.
Doug's magic act[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Okay! And now, it's time for REAL magic — (notices a rabbit) — it's time for real magic, once again, our very special guest, performing his most famous illusion, Mr. Doug Henning! YAAAY!
The rabbit mimes Kermit's actions offstage. The curtain opens on Doug.
Doug
I need a volunteer to examine this trunk.
Doglion joins him and the Bird Dancers, demonstrating the sturdiness of the trunk.
Doug
C'mon over here … c'mon in here …
Doug invites a female Bird Dancer to submit to hand shackles, being tied up in a cloth bag, and locked inside the trunk.
Doug
… there, now put it on that one … hold on to the sack, way up high … there we go … c'mon, get inside, like this … don't forget the keys, hold out your hand … there we go.
Drumroll: Doug stands on the trunk which has been hidden behind a curtain.
Doug
Now, don't blink your eyes, or you'll miss … metamorphosis! One two!
He ducks down behind the curtain while the Bird Dancer pops up and drops the curtain revealing the locked trunk. Doglion and the Dancers unlock the trunk to reveal Doug in the same hand shackles, having changed his costume. Applause.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, we've seen a lot of fantastic magic tonight. But before we make our final disappearing act, let us bring back the incredible Mr. Doug Henning! Yaaay!
Doug
(entering) Thank you!
Kermit
Yeah!
Doug
Thank you. (chuckles) Kermit, I've just had a wonderful time tonight.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Doug
Hey! Let's bring out your own magician, the incredible Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie enters, surrounded by the rabbits.
Fozzie
Thank you, thank you... hey, Doug. I'm really sorry about all this.
Doug
Oh, that's okay. I love rabbits too.
Rabbit (DG)
(gasps) You love rabbit stew?!
The rabbits begin to gang up on Doug.
Fozzie
No! He didn't say that!
Kermit
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie
(amid chaos) They're very sensitive!
A rabbit pops up in Statler and Waldorf's box, as Looney Tunes-esque rings appear around him.
Rabbit (SW)
(stutters) That's all, folks!
Waldorf knocks him out with a mallet. The two geezers laugh.