A yellow feather boa rises out of Zoot's saxophone.
Gonzo is blown away in an Autumn storm.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho, and look what we have here: us! Yes, welcome to The Muppet Show, where our special guest star is everybody's favorite musical comedy star, miss Carol Channing! (audience aahs) Yes. So here she is now, in a Muppet salute to the wonderful world of ophthalmology!
Ah, what a great number. We should send roses back to Carol Channing.
Statler
What'll we give the weird guys with the big eyes?
Waldorf
Fifty lashes!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The big-eyed singers walk past Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, very nice. Nicely ogled.
Singer (LG)
We were okay?
Kermit
20/20.
Singer (LG)
Aww!
Kermit
Uh — oh Scooter!
Scooter
Yeah, boss?
Kermit
Scooter, I gotta change for the next number. I'll be right back, okay?
Scooter
Check, chief.
He passes Piggy on his way over.
Kermit
Hi, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy
Oh, hi. Scooter! Scooter!
Scooter
Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
Will you help me? I can't go another step.
Scooter
What's wrong?
Miss Piggy
I just bought these new shoes, and they are killing me! Just — help me get them off, will you?
Scooter
Sure, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Just — just pull.
Scooter reels as he pulls the first shoe off.
Scooter
That's one.
Miss Piggy
Here — here.
Scooter reels as he pulls the other shoe off. Piggy sighs of relief.
Miss Piggy
Oof. Never again. Whew!
Scooter
What's wrong? Didn't they have your size?
Miss Piggy
(gingerly) Scooter, dear, you wouldn't understand. You're not a woman. (walks off)
Scooter
I guess not. I'm not even a pig.
Kermit emerges in his trench coat.
Kermit
Okay — oh — oh, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy
Hmm?
Kermit
Are these your shoes? They look new.
Miss Piggy
Uh, yes, they are, but I'm taking them back. Uh, they're just not the right s—… uh, haha, they're not the right style, pour moi. Haha.
Kermit
Hmm. I wouldn't say that. They — they look very elegant.
Miss Piggy
You think so?
Kermit
Sure, I bet you'd look terrific in 'em. (walks onstage)
A beat.
Miss Piggy
Scooter!
Scooter
Yeah?
Miss Piggy
Promise you won't ask any questions.
Scooter
Okay, I promise.
Miss Piggy
Help me put the shoes back on.
Scooter
Are you crazy?
Miss Piggy
You promised!
Scooter looks puzzled.
Cecelia[]
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat tonight, because with us is one of the great stars of the silent screen. Now although you may not remember her name, she was once a superstar. And here she is now, to tell her own sad story.
Carol walks down the steps to a fanfare of "You Oughta Be in Pictures".
Carol
(whistling her S's) My name is Cecelia Sisson.
Kermit
Oh boy. Uh, Cecelia Sisson, huh?
Carol
Certainly. S-I-S-S-O-N. Sisson.
Kermit
(wiping his microphone) Uh, yes, um — now, I understand that uh, your last film was the world's first all-singing, all-talking picture.
Carol
Yes. I'd been on the silent screen for seven years. Then, I spoke and sang in Mississippi Melody.
Kermit
Uh, uh, and uh, and then uh, what happened?
Carol
Overnight, I hit the skids …
Kermit wipes his mic again.
Carol
… so to speak.
Kermit
Uh, yes, uh, that's certainly an amazing story, Cecelia.
Carol
They seemed to feel that there was something wrong with my voice.
Kermit
No!
Carol
Sadly so. Now, as I look back, I say, "Cecelia, if you'd only learned to keep your big mouth shut."
Kermit
Uh, uh, thank you, Cecelia, and so long.
Applause.
Backstage[]
Floyd reads Variety. Piggy limps by, wearing those uncomfortable shoes.
Floyd
Hey, Cinderella, who sold you the slippers? A shoe salesman or a sausage stuffer? (laughs)
Miss Piggy
Floyd, dear, before you say anything more, why don't you just jot down your next of kin? Hahaha. It will be easier for the authorities.
Floyd
I hear you talkin'. (backs off)
Kermit
Oh, Piggy!
Miss Piggy
Oh! Haha! Hi, Kermie!
Kermit
Oh! I see you're wearing your new shoes.
Miss Piggy
Mm-hmm.
Kermit
Mmm, they look very nice.
Miss Piggy
Thank you.
Kermit
Hey, let me see you just walk around a little bit in 'em.
Miss Piggy
Hmm?
Kermit
Just walk around a little bit. Let me see the backs of 'em.
Miss Piggy
Um … (walks, forcing a giggle)
Kermit
Nice. Uh, hey, can you dance in those, too?
Miss Piggy
What?
Kermit
Sure, let's just dance a little bit. (hops) Here we go. (hums)
She follows his lead. The two monsters from the next act walk by.
Kermit
Oh! The next number's on! This is one of my favorite numbers. (runs off)
Matter of fact, there's only two things wrong with you.
Female monster
What's that?
Male monster
Mm, I'll tell you about it.
Say, up in Harlem at a table for two,
There were four of us: me, your big feet, and you.
Female monster
You're such a tease.
Male monster
From your ankle up, I'd say you are sweet.
From there down there's just too much feet!
Female monster
Ahh!
Male monster
Yeah, your feet's too big.
Don't want you, 'cause your feet's too big.
Female monster
(laughs)
Male monster
Can't use you, 'cause you feet's too big.
Female monster
(laughs)
Male monster
Heh. I really hate you 'cause your feet's too big. Mm.
Monsters
(scat)
Male monster
Where'd you get 'em?
Monsters
(scat)
Female monster
Your girl she likes you, she thinks you're nice.
Male monster
Well, I am.
Female monster
Got what it takes to be in paradise. She said likes your face, she likes your rig.
Male monster
Yeah, but man, oh man, them feets are too big!
Female monster
(laughs)
Male monster
Mm, your feet's too big!
Don't want you 'cause your feet's too big.
Mad at you 'cause your feet's too big.
I hate you 'cause your feet's too big.
Come on, move them gunboats around.
She dances.
Male monster
Ah, you know, I bet if you had any shoes, you could rent 'em out as storage space. Ha ha ha.
Oh yeah, your pedal extremities are colossal!
Female monster
(laughs)
Male monster
To me, you look just like a fossil!
Female monster
(laughs)
Male monster
You got me walkin', talkin' and squawkin', Oh yeah, 'cause your feet's too big, oh yeah!
They dance.
Male monster
Too bad you ain't got dainty little feet like me!
Female monster
(laughs)
Male monster
Bet you need "toe trucks" to move them around! … Aww … one thing, you got a lotta "sole", honey!
Female monster
Well, you're just one big heel! (laughs)
Male monster
(laughs) Oh yeah.
Applause.
UK spot[]
Floyd listens to a penguin.
Floyd
What? You want to hear some penguin music? Hey, Beau, let's play some penguin music, make this little dude feel at home. "Waves".
Beauregard
Penguin music?
Floyd starts playing.
Beauregard
Oh, that one.
Beauregard joins him on the harmonica. The penguin calls for his friends, who gather and listen. Piggy, dressed for Pigs in Space, comes out of her dressing room, grunting, still wearing those uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy
Would you get out of the way? (throws a penguin) Would you move it? (throws another penguin)
She makes it downstairs.
Miss Piggy
Ohh! Would you get out of the way? (throws a penguin)
She walks past Floyd and Beau, shoving the penguins.
Miss Piggy
Get out of the way! Move it!
Floyd and Beau finish the song.
Pigs in Space / Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! You will recall that in our last episode…
Link Hogthrob
(looks up) Uh, wait a minute! Miss Piggy isn't here yet!
Miss Piggy
(off-camera) Uh, start without me! I have a little problem.
Announcer
Check. You will recall that in our last episode, the crew of the Swinetrek was being held captive by an invisible force field.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
This is serious, Captain! Some terrible force field is preventing us from leaving this room. Look!
He attempts to walk through the doorway, but gets knocked down by the field.
Link Hogthrob
Oh! Oh, that's dreadful! I'll try this door over here.
He walks towards the other door and also gets knocked down.
Link Hogthrob
(panting) Maybe if I got a running start.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, I wouldn't do that!
Link Hogthrob
Here I go!
He runs and gets knocked down.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
That's why I wouldn't do that.
Link Hogthrob
(hamming it up) Oh! This is terrible! Here we are, trapped forever! Nothing can penetrate this invisible shield!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
(groans)
Piggy, meanwhile, makes it through the door flawlessly, despite those uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy
(grunting) Sorry I'm late.
Link Hogthrob
(whispering) How do you do that? — The invisible shield — ?
Miss Piggy
Who cares about the invisible shield? Oh, these shoes!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
But the invisible shield! That's part of the sketch!
Miss Piggy
(sits down) I don't care! I'm in great pain! (raises a foot)
Rowlf
This sounds like a job for Dr. Bob!
Link is dumbfounded as Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice walk through the doorway.
Link Hogthrob
But, the invisible shield…
Rowlf
Now then, what's the trouble?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, Miss Piggy's in big pain.
Rowlf
Of course she's a big pain! What else is new? (laughs)
Janice
Fer sure, fer sure.
Miss Piggy
(stands up) Oh, that does it! Just get out of this sketch!
Rowlf
Yes ma'am, yes ma'am.
He and Janice get knocked over by the force field on their way out.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh no, it's no use! We're trapped here for all eternity!
Miss Piggy
Oh, good grief. Let me outta here. (walks through the door flawlessly) Oh, brother.
Link Hogthrob
Oh! How will we ever get out of all this?
Janice
Easy! Cue announcer!
Announcer
Tune in again next time for another adventure of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Rowlf
You know, we have him at the hospital too.
Janice
Rully.
They all laugh.
Dressing room[]
Carol powders herself. Piggy knocks on the door.
Carol
Come in.
Piggy limps in, holding one of the uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Carol! (grunts)
Carol
Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy
Carol, may I talk to you, woman to woman?
Carol
Oh, yes, dear! Are you all right?
Miss Piggy
Well, actually, to tell you the truth … (pops off the other shoe) … see these shoes?
Carol
Yes.
Miss Piggy
Well, my frog … he loves them.
Carol
Yes?
Miss Piggy
My feet hate them.
Carol
Oh, you poor dear. I know what! You know, I've had troubles like this myself, and I read somewhere that if you soak your feet in pickle juice, it shrinks them.
Miss Piggy
Pickle juice?
Carol
Yes.
Miss Piggy
Wha — Carol, I can't do that. I mean, people might say that I have, uh …
Carol
Oh! Don't say it! Of course. Pickled pigs' feet. (buries her face) How could I be so gross?
Miss Piggy
What'll I do? Tell me.
Carol
I'll tell you, darling, what you need is to have these enlarged. Timmy!
Timmy enters. She hands him the shoes.
Timmy Monster
Uh, yes ma'am, Miss Carol?
Carol
Timmy, could you please put these on your feet, and run around the block several times like a good boy?
Timmy Monster
Okay, Miss Carol. (exits)
Miss Piggy
You sure that'll work?
Carol
Sure. Just this morning I had him stretch a pair of false eyelashes for me. (blinks)
The Swedish Chef[]
Open on the Chef in the kitchen, singing his theme song while waving two eggs — which are rubber.
Swedish Chef
(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them away and displays some ground beef on the cutting board.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … de mëåty løåfër. … de mëåt. Nicëy mëåty. (displays a shoe) … de løåfër. Jå. (sprinkles salt on the meat) Gøöd mëåt. Mëåtsy-mëåt, wë püt ïn de løåfër. (he stuffs the shoe) … püt de mëåt ïn de løåfër.
Pig (DG)
Hey! Hey! Gimme back my shoe!
The Chef gives it back.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … de løåfër?
The pig puts the shoe on and walks away.
Swedish Chef
(forlorn) … de løåfër.
The pig is chased by a pack of dogs. The chef waves.
Swedish Chef
Wøøf wøøf. (shrugs)
Backstage[]
Scooter walks up to Miss Piggy.
Scooter
Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy
(screams)
Scooter
Wha?
Miss Piggy
(whew!) Don't do that!
Scooter
(nods) Did you get Timmy Monster to stretch your shoes for you yet?
Miss Piggy
Shh! Shh! Shh! Uh, Kermie, um, I'm just about ready for the number with Carol.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Miss Piggy
I just have my hairdo to do.
Kermit
Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy
Uh-huh.
Kermit
Uh, Piggy, you're not wearing those cute shoes!
Miss Piggy
Um … well, uh, Kermie, I just sent them out to be —
Ladies and gentlemen, we present now, the palace. And among the other people there, we will find MISS CAROL CHANNING! YAAAAYYY!
Open on the palace. Pigs in powdered wigs converse.
Featherstone
Introducing the queen of West India, her royal highness, Miss Carol!
Carol enters, wearing a shiny dress and a feather boa. Link kisses her hand.
Featherstone
Announcing, the princess of Trichinosia … her royal highness, Miss Piggy!
Piggy enters, wearing the same outfit and hairdo as Carol, only her boa is pink. Link kisses her hand.
Carol
Now, Miss Piggy, that's what I wanted to tell you about.
She and Piggy do a duet of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend".
Miss Piggy
Um — will you excusez-moi, Carol?
Carol
Moi — you mean vous.
Miss Piggy
Oui!
Piggy and Carol attempt to outdo each other with jewelry as they continue the song.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, that's just about all the time we have! (as he looks around) It's been wonderful playing the palace. Uh — but before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the terrific Miss Carol Channing! YAAAAYY!
Carol
(claps) Yaaaayy! Thank you. But Kermit— I did want to thank Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Oh, Carol, here I am. Thank you!
Carol
Miss Piggy, dear, you wear diamonds so well. Doesn't she? And you sang the song just beautifully.
Miss Piggy
Oh, thank you, but to tell you the truth, I have a confession. The diamonds are not mine. Um, well —
Carol
They're not?
Miss Piggy
Yes, they're — they're rented. We have to return them in the morning.
Carol
Aww.
Kermit
That's true. Mm-hmm.
Carol
Kermit, couldn't she just keep one little diamond?