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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 423: Carol Channing.

(very) Cold open

It looks frosty in the dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Oh Carol? Carol Channing? Thirty seconds to curtain, Miss Channing!
Carol (holding a thermometer) Thank you, Scooter. Scooter, are you aware that it's freezing in here?
Scooter Well, yeah. It's gotta be, for the penguins.
Penguins appear around her.
Carol Well, why do we have to have penguins?
Scooter Well — so the walrus won't get lonely.
An affectionate walrus appears.
Carol Well. Now I understand why my closet is full of dead fish.
She grins as the penguins and walrus cheer.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Carol Channing! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
A yellow feather boa rises out of Zoot's saxophone.
Gonzo open 423.jpg
Gonzo is blown away in an Autumn storm.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho, and look what we have here: us! Yes, welcome to The Muppet Show, where our special guest star is everybody's favorite musical comedy star, miss Carol Channing! (audience aahs) Yes. So here she is now, in a Muppet salute to the wonderful world of ophthalmology!
Carol and some big-eyed singers sing "Jeepers Creepers," "I, Yi, Yi, Yi, Yi (I Like You Very Much)" and "Them There Eyes" as a medley.
Waldorf Ah, what a great number. We should send roses back to Carol Channing.
Statler What'll we give the weird guys with the big eyes?
Waldorf Fifty lashes!
They chuckle.


The big-eyed singers walk past Kermit.
Kermit Okay, very nice. Nicely ogled.
Singer (LG) We were okay?
Kermit 20/20.
Singer (LG) Aww!
Kermit Uh — oh Scooter!
Scooter Yeah, boss?
Kermit Scooter, I gotta change for the next number. I'll be right back, okay?
Scooter Check, chief.
He passes Piggy on his way over.
Kermit Hi, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Oh, hi. Scooter! Scooter!
Scooter Uh, yes, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy Will you help me? I can't go another step.
Scooter What's wrong?
Miss Piggy I just bought these new shoes, and they are killing me! Just — help me get them off, will you?
Scooter Sure, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Just — just pull.
Scooter reels as he pulls the first shoe off.
Scooter That's one.
Miss Piggy Here — here.
Scooter reels as he pulls the other shoe off. Piggy sighs of relief.
Miss Piggy Oof. Never again. Whew!
Scooter What's wrong? Didn't they have your size?
Miss Piggy (gingerly) Scooter, dear, you wouldn't understand. You're not a woman. (walks off)
Scooter I guess not. I'm not even a pig.
Kermit emerges in his trench coat.
Kermit Okay — oh — oh, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Kermit Are these your shoes? They look new.
Miss Piggy Uh, yes, they are, but I'm taking them back. Uh, they're just not the right s—… uh, haha, they're not the right style, pour moi. Haha.
Kermit Hmm. I wouldn't say that. They — they look very elegant.
Miss Piggy You think so?
Kermit Sure, I bet you'd look terrific in 'em. (walks onstage)
A beat.
Miss Piggy Scooter!
Scooter Yeah?
Miss Piggy Promise you won't ask any questions.
Scooter Okay, I promise.
Miss Piggy Help me put the shoes back on.
Scooter Are you crazy?
Miss Piggy You promised!
Scooter looks puzzled.


Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat tonight, because with us is one of the great stars of the silent screen. Now although you may not remember her name, she was once a superstar. And here she is now, to tell her own sad story.
Carol walks down the steps to a fanfare of "You Oughta Be in Pictures".
Cecilia Sisson.jpg
Carol (whistling her S's) My name is Cecelia Sisson.
Kermit Oh boy. Uh, Cecelia Sisson, huh?
Carol Certainly. S-I-S-S-O-N. Sisson.
Kermit (wiping his microphone) Uh, yes, um — now, I understand that uh, your last film was the world's first all-singing, all-talking picture.
Carol Yes. I'd been on the silent screen for seven years. Then, I spoke and sang in Mississippi Melody.
Kermit Uh, uh, and uh, and then uh, what happened?
Carol Overnight, I hit the skids …
Kermit wipes his mic again.
Carol … so to speak.
Kermit Uh, yes, uh, that's certainly an amazing story, Cecelia.
Carol They seemed to feel that there was something wrong with my voice.
Kermit No!
Carol Sadly so. Now, as I look back, I say, "Cecelia, if you'd only learned to keep your big mouth shut."
Kermit Uh, uh, thank you, Cecelia, and so long.


Floyd reads Variety. Piggy limps by, wearing those uncomfortable shoes.
Floyd Hey, Cinderella, who sold you the slippers? A shoe salesman or a sausage stuffer? (laughs)
Miss Piggy Floyd, dear, before you say anything more, why don't you just jot down your next of kin? Hahaha. It will be easier for the authorities.
Floyd I hear you talkin'. (backs off)
Kermit Oh, Piggy!
Miss Piggy Oh! Haha! Hi, Kermie!
Kermit Oh! I see you're wearing your new shoes.
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm.
Kermit Mmm, they look very nice.
Miss Piggy Thank you.
Kermit Hey, let me see you just walk around a little bit in 'em.
Miss Piggy Hmm?
Kermit Just walk around a little bit. Let me see the backs of 'em.
Miss Piggy Um … (walks, forcing a giggle)
Kermit Nice. Uh, hey, can you dance in those, too?
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Sure, let's just dance a little bit. (hops) Here we go. (hums)
She follows his lead. The two monsters from the next act walk by.
Kermit Oh! The next number's on! This is one of my favorite numbers. (runs off)
Miss Piggy What's that?
Floyd "Your Feet's Too Big". (laughs)
Miss Piggy (karate-chop) Hi-YAH!

"Your Feet's Too Big"

Your Feet's Too Big.JPG
Male monster Mm-hmm! My oh my, don't you look nice.
Female monster Why, thank you.
Male monster Oh, you got such a pretty face.
Female monster (giggles)
Male monster Mm. I love your shape.
Female monster Aww — (giggles)
Male monster Matter of fact, there's only two things wrong with you.
Female monster What's that?
Male monster Mm, I'll tell you about it.

Say, up in Harlem at a table for two,
There were four of us: me, your big feet, and you.

Female monster You're such a tease.
Male monster

From your ankle up, I'd say you are sweet.
From there down there's just too much feet!

Female monster Ahh!
Male monster

Yeah, your feet's too big.
Don't want you, 'cause your feet's too big.

Female monster (laughs)
Male monster Can't use you, 'cause you feet's too big.
Female monster (laughs)
Male monster Heh. I really hate you 'cause your feet's too big. Mm.
Monsters (scat)
Male monster Where'd you get 'em?
Monsters (scat)
Female monster Your girl she likes you, she thinks you're nice.
Male monster Well, I am.
Female monster

Got what it takes to be in paradise.
She said likes your face, she likes your rig.

Male monster Yeah, but man, oh man, them feets are too big!
Female monster (laughs)
Male monster

Mm, your feet's too big!
Don't want you 'cause your feet's too big.
Mad at you 'cause your feet's too big.
I hate you 'cause your feet's too big.
Come on, move them gunboats around.

She dances.
Male monster Ah, you know, I bet if you had any shoes, you could rent 'em out as storage space. Ha ha ha.

Oh yeah, your pedal extremities are colossal!

Female monster (laughs)
Male monster To me, you look just like a fossil!
Female monster (laughs)
Male monster

You got me walkin', talkin' and squawkin',
Oh yeah, 'cause your feet's too big, oh yeah!

They dance.
Male monster Too bad you ain't got dainty little feet like me!
Female monster (laughs)
Male monster Bet you need "toe trucks" to move them around! … Aww … one thing, you got a lotta "sole", honey!
Female monster Well, you're just one big heel! (laughs)
Male monster (laughs) Oh yeah.

UK spot

Floyd listens to a penguin.
Floyd What? You want to hear some penguin music? Hey, Beau, let's play some penguin music, make this little dude feel at home. "Waves".
Beauregard Penguin music?
Floyd starts playing.
Beauregard Oh, that one.
Beauregard joins him on the harmonica. The penguin calls for his friends, who gather and listen. Piggy, dressed for Pigs in Space, comes out of her dressing room, grunting, still wearing those uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy Would you get out of the way? (throws a penguin) Would you move it? (throws another penguin)
She makes it downstairs.
Miss Piggy Ohh! Would you get out of the way? (throws a penguin)
She walks past Floyd and Beau, shoving the penguins.
Miss Piggy Get out of the way! Move it!
Floyd and Beau finish the song.

Pigs in Space / Veterinarian's Hospital

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! You will recall that in our last episode…
Link Hogthrob (looks up) Uh, wait a minute! Miss Piggy isn't here yet!
Miss Piggy (off-camera) Uh, start without me! I have a little problem.
Announcer Check. You will recall that in our last episode, the crew of the Swinetrek was being held captive by an invisible force field.
Dr. Julius Strangepork This is serious, Captain! Some terrible force field is preventing us from leaving this room. Look!
He attempts to walk through the doorway, but gets knocked down by the field.
Link Hogthrob Oh! Oh, that's dreadful! I'll try this door over here.
He walks towards the other door and also gets knocked down.
Link Hogthrob (panting) Maybe if I got a running start.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, I wouldn't do that!
Link Hogthrob Here I go!
He runs and gets knocked down.
Dr. Julius Strangepork That's why I wouldn't do that.
Link Hogthrob (hamming it up) Oh! This is terrible! Here we are, trapped forever! Nothing can penetrate this invisible shield!
Dr. Julius Strangepork (groans)
Piggy, meanwhile, makes it through the door flawlessly, despite those uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy (grunting) Sorry I'm late.
Link Hogthrob (whispering) How do you do that? — The invisible shield — ?
Miss Piggy Who cares about the invisible shield? Oh, these shoes!
Dr. Julius Strangepork But the invisible shield! That's part of the sketch!
Miss Piggy (sits down) I don't care! I'm in great pain! (raises a foot)
Rowlf This sounds like a job for Dr. Bob!
Link is dumbfounded as Dr. Bob and Nurse Janice walk through the doorway.
Link Hogthrob But, the invisible shield…
Rowlf Now then, what's the trouble?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, Miss Piggy's in big pain.
Rowlf Of course she's a big pain! What else is new? (laughs)
Janice Fer sure, fer sure.
Miss Piggy (stands up) Oh, that does it! Just get out of this sketch!
Rowlf Yes ma'am, yes ma'am.
He and Janice get knocked over by the force field on their way out.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh no, it's no use! We're trapped here for all eternity!
Miss Piggy Oh, good grief. Let me outta here. (walks through the door flawlessly) Oh, brother.
Link Hogthrob Oh! How will we ever get out of all this?
Janice Easy! Cue announcer!
Announcer Tune in again next time for another adventure of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Rowlf You know, we have him at the hospital too.
Janice Rully.
They all laugh.

Dressing room

Carol powders herself. Piggy knocks on the door.
Carol Come in.
Piggy limps in, holding one of the uncomfortable shoes.
Miss Piggy Oh, Carol! (grunts)
Carol Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Carol, may I talk to you, woman to woman?
Carol Oh, yes, dear! Are you all right?
Miss Piggy Well, actually, to tell you the truth … (pops off the other shoe) … see these shoes?
Carol Yes.
Miss Piggy Well, my frog … he loves them.
Carol Yes?
Miss Piggy My feet hate them.
Carol Oh, you poor dear. I know what! You know, I've had troubles like this myself, and I read somewhere that if you soak your feet in pickle juice, it shrinks them.
Miss Piggy Pickle juice?
Carol Yes.
Miss Piggy Wha — Carol, I can't do that. I mean, people might say that I have, uh …
Carol Oh! Don't say it! Of course. Pickled pigs' feet. (buries her face) How could I be so gross?
Miss Piggy What'll I do? Tell me.
Carol I'll tell you, darling, what you need is to have these enlarged. Timmy!
Timmy enters. She hands him the shoes.
Timmy Monster Uh, yes ma'am, Miss Carol?
Carol Timmy, could you please put these on your feet, and run around the block several times like a good boy?
Timmy Monster Okay, Miss Carol. (exits)
Miss Piggy You sure that'll work?
Carol Sure. Just this morning I had him stretch a pair of false eyelashes for me. (blinks)

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef in the kitchen, singing his theme song while waving two eggs — which are rubber.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses them away and displays some ground beef on the cutting board.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de mëåty løåfër. … de mëåt. Nicëy mëåty. (displays a shoe) … de løåfër. Jå. (sprinkles salt on the meat) Gøöd mëåt. Mëåtsy-mëåt, wë püt ïn de løåfër. (he stuffs the shoe) … püt de mëåt ïn de løåfër.
Pig (DG) Hey! Hey! Gimme back my shoe!
The Chef gives it back.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de løåfër?
The pig puts the shoe on and walks away.
Swedish Chef (forlorn) … de løåfër.
The pig is chased by a pack of dogs. The chef waves.
Swedish Chef Wøøf wøøf. (shrugs)


Scooter walks up to Miss Piggy.
Scooter Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy (screams)
Scooter Wha?
Miss Piggy (whew!) Don't do that!
Scooter (nods) Did you get Timmy Monster to stretch your shoes for you yet?
Miss Piggy Shh! Shh! Shh! Uh, Kermie, um, I'm just about ready for the number with Carol.
Kermit Oh, good.
Miss Piggy I just have my hairdo to do.
Kermit Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy Uh-huh.
Kermit Uh, Piggy, you're not wearing those cute shoes!
Miss Piggy Um … well, uh, Kermie, I just sent them out to be —
Scooter Stretched.
Miss Piggy Polished!
Scooter Yeah. Yeah. (he and Kermit exit)
Timmy Monster Oh, Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy Oh! Timmy! Hurry, hurry! Hurry! Hurry! Yes, yes!
Timmy Monster Here they are.
He walks away. Piggy stares at the giant shoes.
Miss Piggy (sigh) I'm alone in a world of weirdos.

"Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend"

Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, we present now, the palace. And among the other people there, we will find MISS CAROL CHANNING! YAAAAYYY!
Open on the palace. Pigs in powdered wigs converse.
Featherstone Introducing the queen of West India, her royal highness, Miss Carol!
Carol enters, wearing a shiny dress and a feather boa. Link kisses her hand.
Featherstone Announcing, the princess of Trichinosia … her royal highness, Miss Piggy!
Piggy enters, wearing the same outfit and hairdo as Carol, only her boa is pink. Link kisses her hand.
Carol Now, Miss Piggy, that's what I wanted to tell you about.
She and Piggy do a duet of "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend".
Miss Piggy Um — will you excusez-moi, Carol?
Carol Moi — you mean vous.
Miss Piggy Oui!
Piggy and Carol attempt to outdo each other with jewelry as they continue the song.


Kermit Okay! Well, that's just about all the time we have! (as he looks around) It's been wonderful playing the palace. Uh — but before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the terrific Miss Carol Channing! YAAAAYY!
Carol (claps) Yaaaayy! Thank you. But Kermit— I did want to thank Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy Oh, Carol, here I am. Thank you!
Carol Miss Piggy, dear, you wear diamonds so well. Doesn't she? And you sang the song just beautifully.
Miss Piggy Oh, thank you, but to tell you the truth, I have a confession. The diamonds are not mine. Um, well —
Carol They're not?
Miss Piggy Yes, they're — they're rented. We have to return them in the morning.
Carol Aww.
Kermit That's true. Mm-hmm.
Carol Kermit, couldn't she just keep one little diamond?
Kermit Well, uh …
Carol Oh, Kermit, it would be such a nice present for her.
Kermit (stammering) Well, uh, okay, I guess.
Miss Piggy Oh! Thank you, Kermie. Um …
She holds up her hand, revealing the ring on her finger.
Miss Piggy I choose this one.
Carol (gasp) Kermit, how nice! She chose an engagement ring!
Kermit WHAT?!
Carol Congratulations!
Kermit Th— that's not an engagement ring! This has gone far enough, ladies and gentlemen! Uh, we're just kidding! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy You're all invited to the wedding!
Kermit That's not an engagement ring!
They carry on as the credits roll.
Statler With friends like these …
Waldorf … who needs emeralds?
They chuckle.