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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 424: Diana Ross.

Cold open

The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter Oh Diana? Diana Ross? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Diana.
Diana Thank you, Scooter, thank you. Scooter, by the way, who put this thing in my dressing room?
Scooter Oh, well, I did. 'Cause Kermit told me wherever you go, you have a big fan club!
Gonzo, Rizzo and some penguins appear and laugh as the blades begin to whirl.
Diana Mother said there'd be shows like this. (laughs)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Zoot charms a snake during the theme.
Gonzo finds the same snake hanging out of his trumpet.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And our special guest star tonight is Miss Diana Ross! (audience oohs) Yes! So this is going to be a fantastic show.
Statler Yeah, it better be, 'cause tonight we're keeping score.
Waldorf Yes, and on a scale of one to ten, here's your score so far.
He holds up a "2" card. They chuckle.
Kermit (worried) 2? Oh, come on, guys, forget about keeping score! You're gonna love this opening number! Let's go to Rio! Yaaaay!
Eric the Parrot leads a group of small animals in singing "I Go to Rio."
Kermit Okay! Wasn't that terrific!
Statler Well, on a scale of one to ten, we give it a, uh … 3.
The audience protests.
Waldorf Well, maybe it wasn't that good. Let's give it a 1!
The audience protests. They both give it a 0 and the audience cheers.


Fozzie stands by as the birds and rats come backstage mumbling.
Lizard (RH) Can you believe that?
Parrot (DG) Wow, it's rough out there.
Kermit Yeah, it's a very strange audience. I'm sorry about that.
Lizard (RH) We had to go through a lot of work for that number.
Penguin (JN) Yeah. I even bought a tuxedo.
Kermit That's a tuxedo?
Penguin (JN) Yeah, I'm really a flamingo. (leaves)
Fozzie Hey, Kerm β€” Kermit? Kermit. Kermit. Listen. I know what that audience wants.
Kermit Yeah, what?
Fozzie Comedy. Watch the master.
He straightens his tie and goes onstage.

Fozzie's comedy act / "Love Hangover"

Fozzie comes onstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya!
The audience boos him.
Fozzie Bye-a, bye-a, bye-a, bye-a! (exits)
Waldorf holds up a "1" card.
Statler You gave him a 1?
Waldorf He's never been better!
They chuckle. Kermit comes onstage.
Kermit Will you guys quiet down? Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of my favorite singing stars, and the world seems to agree with me, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
Diana sings "Love Hangover" as she dances with Fletcher Bird. At the end, Statler and Waldorf hold up a "10!" card and cheer.
Kermit Oh, wow! Wasn't that great?
Waldorf Keep it up, frog!
Kermit So we're not doing so bad after all!
Statler I wouldn't say that. Right now the score is Diana Ross: 10; Muppets: 3.
They chuckle.


A bird flies backstage. The other Muppets cheer Diana as she comes backstage.
Beauregard Here she comes.
Scooter Great!
Fozzie Oh boy! Diana, Diana β€” you were terrific!
Diana Oh, thank you, Foz! What a terrific audience that is out there! And I want to thank you for warming 'em up for me.
Awkward pause.
Diana They're so terrific. They are the best. When they love you, they don't hold back. (walks away)
Fozzie When they hate you, they don't hold back either.
Scooter Uh β€” Gills Brothers, you're on next!
They go onstage.
Scooter Good luck, boys! Break a fin!

The Gills Brothers

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay, a-and now, ladies and gentlemen, we present the fabulous Gills Brothers! Yaaaay!
Gills Brothers

Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Outside the cove, the old sardine is dead.

The audience starts booing. One fish sings a solo.
Gills Brothers

Pals of the sturgeon
Saw her submergin'.
They're singing her dirge in
The Blue Point Oyster Bar.
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Outside the cove, the old sardine is dead.

The audience's distaste reaches its peak. They start throwing things onstage. Fozzie watches from the wings.
Fozzie Oh, I can't watch. Ohh.


Scooter How's it goin'?
Fozzie Oh, it's not going good, Scooter.
Scooter Oh, I'll say.
The Gills Brothers come backstage, having been reduced to shivering skeletons.
Scooter Pretty rough out there, huh?
Fish Oh! They were layin' for us!
Scooter Why do you say that?
Fish One guy brought a bottle of tartar sauce!

Dressing room

Diana applies some cologne. Kermit knocks and peers in.
Kermit Um…
Diana Yeah?
Kermit E-e-excuse me, Diana …
Diana Yes?
Kermit Uh, you got a second?
Diana Yes, Kermit, of course.
Kermit Um …
Diana Kermit, first I want to tell you, that audience is so great out there. I really do love doing this show. It's the best!
Kermit Uh, uh, yeah, well, well, they certainly love you a lot. It's just uh, well it's just β€” us that they hate.
Diana Oh, no. Kermit β€” Kermit, you have to win them over. Maybe you have to, um, uh, send in one of your surefire acts like Vet's Hospital. That'll work.
Kermit Vet's Hospital!
Diana Yeah!
Kermit Now that's a good idea. Vet's Hospital! That's where Dr. Bob and Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice run out there, and they tell those awful, awful jokes, and then they laugh a lot, and boo and … (trails off)
Diana It's not a good choice, huh? Well, what about, um, Swedish Chef?
Kermit Swedish Chef! Yes! Swedish Chef! A hilarious cooking lesson! Yes! With somebody β€” this guy that you can't understand, making this food that you can't eat and … (trails off)
Diana Hmm, not so good, huh? Well, let's see. Uh β€” what else you got?
Kermit Uh … Pigs in Space?
Diana Pigs in Space!
Kermit Yeah?
Diana Pigs in Space! I love Pigs in Space!
Kermit (excited) You love Pigs in Space? Oh, good! That's it! We'll do Pigs in Space! Yaaay! (runs off)
Diana Pigs in Space β€” I hate Pigs in Space! What am I doing on this crummy show? (laughs)

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Link hums along to the theme music. Strangepork taps away at something.
Announcer When last we left the Swinetrek, that scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, was trying to fix Captain Hogthrob's lighter.
Link Hogthrob Careful. That's a solid gold disposable lighter.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh. Don't worry. I'm an expert at these kind of things.
Link Hogthrob Hmm. Maybe First Mate Piggy could help.
The door opens, and she enters.
Miss Piggy Um, Captain Hogthrob, Captain Hogthrob, I β€”
Loud hissing noises are heard.
Miss Piggy Just one moment here. Wha β€” I refuse to go on with such an unruly audience!
The hissing noises continue.
Miss Piggy I have never been so humiliated in all my theatrical career! I quit! (exits)
Link Hogthrob Oh. Touchy touchy.
He and Strangepork giggle.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Yeah. And that wasn't the audience β€” your gas lighter sprung a leak!
Link and Strangepork laugh.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh β€” I dropped it.
Link Hogthrob I'll get it. β€” Hey, it dropped over here by the tank of nitroglycerin.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Oh, do you want a flashlight? It's dark under there.
Link Hogthrob No, I'll just strike a match.
Dr. Julius Strangepork A MATCH?? (dashes away)
Announcer Is this the end of Pigs in Space?
Audience (in unison) YES! (applause)
Announcer Well, tune in again next time for …
Audience (in unison) NO!
Announcer All right then, don't. See if I care.

UK spot

The Electric Mayhem, minus Floyd and Dr. Teeth, is on stage. Beaker walks up to the microphone.
Beaker Mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee mee β€” "Mee Mee".
Feelings edited.JPG
The band starts playing. Beaker sings "Feelings," which he renders as "Mee-Mee." The audience starts to boo him. Animal briefly addresses them.
Animal Quiet! … Thank you.
Animal continues playing; Beaker continues singing. The audience still boos him.

"Last Time I Saw Him"

Backstage, Floyd plays the bass.
Floyd Let's see, yeah…

Last time I saw her,
She sweetly kissed my lips.
(scats) β€” Oh, hi, Diana!

Diana Hi, Floyd! I heard you playing upstairs. Did you sound good!
Floyd Oh, just messin' around.
Diana Oh, I like it. Can I sing along with you a little bit?
Floyd Oh, would ya?
Diana Thank you.

Last time I saw him,
He sweetly kissed my lips.
Last time I saw him,
He said "I'll be back for more of this."

Floyd scats along. Dr. Teeth joins them on the tambourine.
Diana Hi!

Last time I saw him,
We were crying at the bus.
I knew he hated leaving,
But he had to set us up.
I gave him money β€”
You know, I invested well.
My mama doesn't trust him,
But he loves me, I can tell. Yeah!
And each day the Greyhound
Arrives at nine o' clock.
But I don't start my crying
'Till that last man's gotten off.

Kermit Oh, uh, excuse me β€”
Diana Last time I β€” Hi, Kermit β€” what's the matter? You look funny.
Kermit Uh, uh, well, it's just the audience out there. Uh, you see, nothing is working except, uh, well, things like you.
Diana Oh β€” things like me? Well β€” what do you β€” well β€” do you think we can go out there and sing this song? We're doing this messing around β€” rehearsing a little bit.
Kermit That would be wonderful! Just one second!
Diana Okay β€” let's go! Come on, guys.
Floyd Yeah! Yeah! (laughs)
Kermit rushes onstage.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
The Electric Mayhem backs up Diana as she continues the song. She is joined by three backup singers and a Dixieland group. Balloons fall from the ceiling. The applause is monstrous.


Kermit Okay! Wow! That's another 10 for Diana Ross! Okay, now who'd like to go out there and follow that?
Everyone upstairs ducks. Fozzie runs away.
Kermit Gee, there must be somebody stupid enough to go out there and face that audience.
WHOOSH! Gonzo appears.
Gonzo Hahahaha! I'll do it, Kermit! I've got the ultimate act! But, I'm going to need a typewriter for it.
Kermit (stammers) Gonzo, we don't have a typewriter.
Gonzo Then I'll use a cow!
Kermit Well β€” what is this act of yours?
Gonzo I can sum it up in one word: "indescribable".
Kermit Okay, why not?
Gonzo (laughs triumphantly)

Gonzo's stunt

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you're going to love GONZO THE GREAT!! Yaaaaay!
The curtain opens on Gonzo and his indescribable setup. The audience boos and throws vegetables at him, knocking him off his perch.
Gonzo Ladies and ge β€” ah!
The curtain closes. Statler and Waldorf hold up a "-6" card. Gonzo is carried backstage on a stretcher by Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob.
Kermit Gonzo! Are you okay?
Gonzo Oh, sure. Just a couple of tomato burns and cabbage cuts.
Kermit (frets) It's getting worse out there! I'd better get Diana back onstage and restore order! (runs onstage)

"Reach Out and Touch"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, okay, folks, uh, you win! Here β€” uh, is she ready? Uh, here she is, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaaay!
The audience applauds wildly for Diana.
Diana Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Before I sing my next song, I would like to bring a friend of mine back on the stage. And I really do think he deserves another chance.
Kermit, Scooter and Fozzie watch from the wings.
Scooter Who's she talking about?
Kermit I don't know.
Diana Here he is, that furry, funny man, Fozzie Bear!
The audience boos.
Fozzie Oh, no β€” no, I can't β€”
Scooter (shoves him) Go on, Fozzie! Get out there!
He hides behind her.
Diana Hi! Fozzie β€” Oh, guys, come on!
Fozzie They β€” They just don't think I'm funny.
Diana Oh, I think you're very funny. Come on.
Fozzie But β€” they don't like me.
Diana Well, I think you're very funny. Look, tell them the joke β€” tell them the joke that you told me in the dressing room right before we came out. Hm? Okay?
Fozzie That's a terrible joke!
Diana It's the best joke I've ever heard! Are you kidding?
Fozzie I can't do that joke!
Diana Oh, come on, it's a good one. Give it a try. Come on. Please?
Fozzie Okay, stick close.
Diana Okay.
Fozzie Um … hahahaha! Hiya hiya hiya! Hey! Have you heard about the new soft drink they're making, juh -- I can't do this joke!
Diana Aww, come on!
Fozzie Diana β€” it's a rough crowd.
Diana Okay, I'll do it.
Fozzie You??
Diana Trust me. Hiya hiya hiya! Have you heard about the new soft drink they're making just for frogs?
Fozzie Uh, no! Tell me about the new soft drink they're making just for frogs!
Diana It's called β€” "Croak-a-Cola!" (laughs)
The audience applauds. Fozzie is puzzled.
Diana Isn't that the best? (laughs)
Fozzie I'm a hit! How β€” how did you do that?
Diana Oh, Fozzie, see, it's very simple. You see, I think that uh, telling comedy, you know, doing comedy jokes and things like that is just like singing.
Fozzie Really?
Music swells up.
Diana All you have to do is let the audience know that you're reaching out to them and, in return, they reach right back to you. Just like this…
Fozzie Wow.
She sings "Reach Out and Touch", soon joined by the other Muppets, as well as the audience, including Statler and Waldorf.


The other Muppets hum "Reach Out and Touch" while Kermit addresses the crowd.
Kermit Well, it's been a very special show, and uh, you've been a very special audience. Uh, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaaay!
Diana Thank you! Kermit, I really loved being here. Thank you very much.
Fozzie And I just loved your Croak-a-cola joke.
Diana Oh, good!
Fozzie Yeah β€” of course, I got a better one. Yeah.
Diana Okay.
Fozzie Great! Okay, here we go! Have you heard about the new soft drink made out of acorns?
Diana No! Tell me about the new soft drink made out of acorns.
Fozzie It's called "Oak-a-Cola"!
The audience boos.
Diana Aw! Come on! Fozzie! I can't protect you from that one!
Kermit Uh β€” we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Diana Bye!
The credits roll.
After the credits, Statler and Waldorf are no longer keeping score. Instead, they're keeping "snore."