Gonzo finds the same snake hanging out of his trumpet.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And our special guest star tonight is Miss Diana Ross! (audience oohs) Yes! So this is going to be a fantastic show.
Statler
Yeah, it better be, 'cause tonight we're keeping score.
Waldorf
Yes, and on a scale of one to ten, here's your score so far.
He holds up a "2" card. They chuckle.
Kermit
(worried) 2? Oh, come on, guys, forget about keeping score! You're gonna love this opening number! Let's go to Rio! Yaaaay!
Will you guys quiet down? Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of my favorite singing stars, and the world seems to agree with me, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
Diana sings "Love Hangover" as she dances with Fletcher Bird. At the end, Statler and Waldorf hold up a "10!" card and cheer.
Kermit
Oh, wow! Wasn't that great?
Waldorf
Keep it up, frog!
Kermit
So we're not doing so bad after all!
Statler
I wouldn't say that. Right now the score is Diana Ross: 10; Muppets: 3.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
A bird flies backstage. The other Muppets cheer Diana as she comes backstage.
Beauregard
Here she comes.
Scooter
Great!
Fozzie
Oh boy! Diana, Diana — you were terrific!
Diana
Oh, thank you, Foz! What a terrific audience that is out there! And I want to thank you for warming 'em up for me.
Awkward pause.
Diana
They're so terrific. They are the best. When they love you, they don't hold back. (walks away)
Fozzie
When they hate you, they don't hold back either.
Scooter
Uh — Gills Brothers, you're on next!
They go onstage.
Scooter
Good luck, boys! Break a fin!
The Gills Brothers[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Okay, a-and now, ladies and gentlemen, we present the fabulous Gills Brothers! Yaaaay!
Gills Brothers
Go tell Aunt Chovy. Go tell Aunt Chovy. Outside the cove, the old sardine is dead.
The audience starts booing. One fish sings a solo.
Gills Brothers
Pals of the sturgeon Saw her submergin'. They're singing her dirge in The Blue Point Oyster Bar. Go tell Aunt Chovy. Go tell Aunt Chovy. Outside the cove, the old sardine is dead.
The audience's distaste reaches its peak. They start throwing things onstage. Fozzie watches from the wings.
Fozzie
Oh, I can't watch. Ohh.
Backstage[]
Scooter
How's it goin'?
Fozzie
Oh, it's not going good, Scooter.
Scooter
Oh, I'll say.
The Gills Brothers come backstage, having been reduced to shivering skeletons.
Scooter
Pretty rough out there, huh?
Fish
Oh! They were layin' for us!
Scooter
Why do you say that?
Fish
One guy brought a bottle of tartar sauce!
Dressing room[]
Diana applies some cologne. Kermit knocks and peers in.
Kermit
Um…
Diana
Yeah?
Kermit
E-e-excuse me, Diana …
Diana
Yes?
Kermit
Uh, you got a second?
Diana
Yes, Kermit, of course.
Kermit
Um …
Diana
Kermit, first I want to tell you, that audience is so great out there. I really do love doing this show. It's the best!
Kermit
Uh, uh, yeah, well, well, they certainly love you a lot. It's just uh, well it's just — us that they hate.
Diana
Oh, no. Kermit — Kermit, you have to win them over. Maybe you have to, um, uh, send in one of your surefire acts like Vet's Hospital. That'll work.
Kermit
Vet's Hospital!
Diana
Yeah!
Kermit
Now that's a good idea. Vet's Hospital! That's where Dr. Bob and Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice run out there, and they tell those awful, awful jokes, and then they laugh a lot, and boo and … (trails off)
Diana
It's not a good choice, huh? Well, what about, um, Swedish Chef?
Kermit
Swedish Chef! Yes! Swedish Chef! A hilarious cooking lesson! Yes! With somebody — this guy that you can't understand, making this food that you can't eat and … (trails off)
Diana
Hmm, not so good, huh? Well, let's see. Uh — what else you got?
Kermit
Uh … Pigs in Space?
Diana
Pigs in Space!
Kermit
Yeah?
Diana
Pigs in Space! I love Pigs in Space!
Kermit
(excited) You love Pigs in Space? Oh, good! That's it! We'll do Pigs in Space! Yaaay! (runs off)
Diana
Pigs in Space — I hate Pigs in Space! What am I doing on this crummy show? (laughs)
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Link hums along to the theme music. Strangepork taps away at something.
Announcer
When last we left the Swinetrek, that scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, was trying to fix Captain Hogthrob's lighter.
Link Hogthrob
Careful. That's a solid gold disposable lighter.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh. Don't worry. I'm an expert at these kind of things.
Link Hogthrob
Hmm. Maybe First Mate Piggy could help.
The door opens, and she enters.
Miss Piggy
Um, Captain Hogthrob, Captain Hogthrob, I —
Loud hissing noises are heard.
Miss Piggy
Just one moment here. Wha — I refuse to go on with such an unruly audience!
The hissing noises continue.
Miss Piggy
I have never been so humiliated in all my theatrical career! I quit! (exits)
Link Hogthrob
Oh. Touchy touchy.
He and Strangepork giggle.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Yeah. And that wasn't the audience — your gas lighter sprung a leak!
Link and Strangepork laugh.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh — I dropped it.
Link Hogthrob
I'll get it. — Hey, it dropped over here by the tank of nitroglycerin.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, do you want a flashlight? It's dark under there.
Link Hogthrob
No, I'll just strike a match.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
A MATCH?? (dashes away)
Explosion.
Announcer
Is this the end of Pigs in Space?
Audience
(in unison) YES! (applause)
Announcer
Well, tune in again next time for …
Audience
(in unison) NO!
Announcer
All right then, don't. See if I care.
UK spot[]
The Electric Mayhem, minus Floyd and Dr. Teeth, is on stage. Beaker walks up to the microphone.
Beaker
Mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee mee — "Mee Mee".
The band starts playing. Beaker sings "Feelings," which he renders as "Mee-Mee." The audience starts to boo him. Animal briefly addresses them.
Animal
Quiet! … Thank you.
Animal continues playing; Beaker continues singing. The audience still boos him.
Last time I saw her, She sweetly kissed my lips. (scats) — Oh, hi, Diana!
Diana
Hi, Floyd! I heard you playing upstairs. Did you sound good!
Floyd
Oh, just messin' around.
Diana
Oh, I like it. Can I sing along with you a little bit?
Floyd
Oh, would ya?
Diana
Thank you.
Last time I saw him, He sweetly kissed my lips. Last time I saw him, He said "I'll be back for more of this."
Floyd scats along. Dr. Teeth joins them on the tambourine.
Diana
Hi!
Last time I saw him, We were crying at the bus. I knew he hated leaving, But he had to set us up. I gave him money — You know, I invested well. My mama doesn't trust him, But he loves me, I can tell. Yeah! And each day the Greyhound Arrives at nine o' clock. But I don't start my crying 'Till that last man's gotten off.
Kermit
Oh, uh, excuse me —
Diana
Last time I — Hi, Kermit — what's the matter? You look funny.
Kermit
Uh, uh, well, it's just the audience out there. Uh, you see, nothing is working except, uh, well, things like you.
Diana
Oh — things like me? Well — what do you — well — do you think we can go out there and sing this song? We're doing this messing around — rehearsing a little bit.
Kermit
That would be wonderful! Just one second!
Diana
Okay — let's go! Come on, guys.
Floyd
Yeah! Yeah! (laughs)
Kermit rushes onstage.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
The Electric Mayhem backs up Diana as she continues the song. She is joined by three backup singers and a Dixieland group. Balloons fall from the ceiling. The applause is monstrous.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Okay! Wow! That's another 10 for Diana Ross! Okay, now who'd like to go out there and follow that?
Everyone upstairs ducks. Fozzie runs away.
Kermit
Gee, there must be somebody stupid enough to go out there and face that audience.
WHOOSH! Gonzo appears.
Gonzo
Hahahaha! I'll do it, Kermit! I've got the ultimate act! But, I'm going to need a typewriter for it.
Kermit
(stammers) Gonzo, we don't have a typewriter.
Gonzo
Then I'll use a cow!
Kermit
Well — what is this act of yours?
Gonzo
I can sum it up in one word: "indescribable".
Kermit
Okay, why not?
Gonzo
(laughs triumphantly)
Gonzo's stunt[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you're going to love GONZO THE GREAT!! Yaaaaay!
The curtain opens on Gonzo and his indescribable setup. The audience boos and throws vegetables at him, knocking him off his perch.
Gonzo
Ladies and ge — ah!
The curtain closes. Statler and Waldorf hold up a "-6" card. Gonzo is carried backstage on a stretcher by Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob.
Kermit
Gonzo! Are you okay?
Gonzo
Oh, sure. Just a couple of tomato burns and cabbage cuts.
Kermit
(frets) It's getting worse out there! I'd better get Diana back onstage and restore order! (runs onstage)
Uh, okay, folks, uh, you win! Here — uh, is she ready? Uh, here she is, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaaay!
The audience applauds wildly for Diana.
Diana
Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Before I sing my next song, I would like to bring a friend of mine back on the stage. And I really do think he deserves another chance.
Kermit, Scooter and Fozzie watch from the wings.
Scooter
Who's she talking about?
Kermit
I don't know.
Diana
Here he is, that furry, funny man, Fozzie Bear!
The audience boos.
Fozzie
Oh, no — no, I can't —
Scooter
(shoves him) Go on, Fozzie! Get out there!
He hides behind her.
Diana
Hi! Fozzie — Oh, guys, come on!
Fozzie
They — They just don't think I'm funny.
Diana
Oh, I think you're very funny. Come on.
Fozzie
But — they don't like me.
Diana
Well, I think you're very funny. Look, tell them the joke — tell them the joke that you told me in the dressing room right before we came out. Hm? Okay?
Fozzie
That's a terrible joke!
Diana
It's the best joke I've ever heard! Are you kidding?
Fozzie
I can't do that joke!
Diana
Oh, come on, it's a good one. Give it a try. Come on. Please?
Fozzie
Okay, stick close.
Diana
Okay.
Fozzie
Um … hahahaha! Hiya hiya hiya! Hey! Have you heard about the new soft drink they're making, juh -- I can't do this joke!
Diana
Aww, come on!
Fozzie
Diana — it's a rough crowd.
Diana
Okay, I'll do it.
Fozzie
You??
Diana
Trust me. Hiya hiya hiya! Have you heard about the new soft drink they're making just for frogs?
Fozzie
Uh, no! Tell me about the new soft drink they're making just for frogs!
Diana
It's called — "Croak-a-Cola!" (laughs)
The audience applauds. Fozzie is puzzled.
Diana
Isn't that the best? (laughs)
Fozzie
I'm a hit! How — how did you do that?
Diana
Oh, Fozzie, see, it's very simple. You see, I think that uh, telling comedy, you know, doing comedy jokes and things like that is just like singing.
Fozzie
Really?
Music swells up.
Diana
All you have to do is let the audience know that you're reaching out to them and, in return, they reach right back to you. Just like this…
Fozzie
Wow.
She sings "Reach Out and Touch", soon joined by the other Muppets, as well as the audience, including Statler and Waldorf.
Goodnights[]
The other Muppets hum "Reach Out and Touch" while Kermit addresses the crowd.
Kermit
Well, it's been a very special show, and uh, you've been a very special audience. Uh, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaaay!
Applause.
Diana
Thank you! Kermit, I really loved being here. Thank you very much.
Fozzie
And I just loved your Croak-a-cola joke.
Diana
Oh, good!
Fozzie
Yeah — of course, I got a better one. Yeah.
Diana
Okay.
Fozzie
Great! Okay, here we go! Have you heard about the new soft drink made out of acorns?
Diana
No! Tell me about the new soft drink made out of acorns.
Fozzie
It's called "Oak-a-Cola"!
The audience boos.
Diana
Aw! Come on! Fozzie! I can't protect you from that one!
Kermit
Uh — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Diana
Bye!
The credits roll.
After the credits, Statler and Waldorf are no longer keeping score. Instead, they're keeping "snore."