The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 501: Gene Kelly.
Cold Open[]
Pops brushes a wind-up toy bridge of false teeth. | |
Pops | That's right! Up and down, not sideways. |
Gene enters through the stage door. | |
Pops | Who are you? |
Gene | Well, I'm Gene Kelly. Did Kermit leave a ticket for me? They didn't have it at the box office. |
Pops | Gene Kelly? You don't need a ticket. You're tonight's special guest star. (nods) |
Gene | Oh gee — there must be some mistake. I wasn't planning to do anything tonight. I thought Kermit invited me over just to watch the show. |
Pops | No, you're tonight's guest. You're supposed to sing and dance! |
Gene | (laughing) Oh, no, no way. If you invite a guest to dinner, do you expect them to cook? |
Pops | Is that an offer? We could use a good cook around here. |
The Swedish Chef knocks him out with a pan, then offers it to Gene. | |
Gene | No - I don't know who you are, but I love your cooking. (glances at the camera nervously) |
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Gene Kelly! Yaaayyy! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it rings and a voice comes out. He puts it to his ear. | |
Gonzo | Hello? … He's not home. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where we have one of the greatest singer/actor/director/dancer/movie stars of all time, the incomparable Gene Kelly! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, before Gene actually performs for us, we have a — |
Gene | (from off-stage) Kermit! |
Kermit | Just a second. |
He walks over to the wings, where Gene is watching. | |
Kermit | Uh, what's up, Gene? |
Gene | Kermit, you don't understand. I'm just here to watch the show. |
Kermit | Uh — you mean, no singing or acting or dancing or starring? |
Gene | Nope. I'm just going to be part of the audience. |
Kermit | Uh, well listen, uh, let me just introduce this number and then we'll talk about what you're going to do on the show, huh? |
Gene | Nope. I'm just going to sit here and have a great time. |
Kermit stammers as he goes back to center stage. | |
Kermit | Uhh, okay folks, uh, well, here all the way from Baffin Bay, the endangered species chorus line. |
The curtain opens to an Arctic setting. Penguins, baby seals and a walrus sing "Jambalaya," while Catgut fishes and catches an alligator — or vice versa. Gene watches from the wings. When the number is over, he applauds as the animals walk past him. | |
Gene | I loved it. I loved it. (to the viewer, as a penguin snatches his snack) I didn't understand it, but I loved it. |
Backstage[]
Dancing with Gene[]
Kermit | Uh, everything okay so far, Gene? |
Gene | Oh, Kermit, you don't know what a pleasure it is coming to a show and not having to perform. |
Kermit | Uh, yeah. And you don't know how hard it is to do a show where the guest star doesn't perform on stage. |
Gene | Oh, relax, Kermit. It isn't the end of the world. |
Kermit | Don't be too sure. Uh, but if you don't go on, I'll have to. And I can't dance my way out of worm jello. |
Gene | No problem. I used to be a dance teacher. |
Kermit | What? Wait a minute — are you offering to give me a dance lesson? |
Gene | Of course. In a few minutes, I can have your toes tapping — or, in your case, your flippers flapping. |
Kermit | (chuckles) That's terrific. Hey, tell me, Gene — uh, tell me, where would you like to, uh, give me this dance lesson? |
Gene | Oh, I don't care. Anywhere at all. |
Kermit | Uh, well, how about, uh, how about right over here? (walks to the stage) |
Gene | (follows Kermit) Right. Now Kermit, the first thing you gotta remember is stay relaxed … |
He suddenly notices the audience applauding. The curtain raises to reveal a penthouse setting with a luggage cart and a piano. Gene gingerly goes along with it, raising his hands to silence the audience. | |
Gene | Kermit. You tricked me. |
Kermit | Uh, well, just sort of a little trick. |
Gene | Well, okay then. (shrugs) Let's do it. Come on, hop up on the piano. |
Kermit | (chuckles) Okay, watch this, folks. Whoop! (he jumps onto the piano) |
Gene | Hey! (a vamp plays) Follow me! |
Kermit | Okay. |
They start dancing to the tune of "Frère Jacques". | |
Gene | One two three four. |
Kermit | One two three four. |
Gene | One two three. |
Kermit | One two three. |
Gene | La-la la-la la la. |
Kermit | La-la la-la la la. |
Gene | Well, there! |
Kermit | Gee, I guess I got it. |
They start dancing to an instrumental of "The Worry Song". Applause. | |
Waldorf | I wish Gene Kelly would teach me to Charleston. |
Statler | I wish Gene Kelly would drive you to Charleston. (laughs) |
Backstage[]
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
UK Spot[]
Two dogs sing "Fit as a Fiddle" to a fiddle-playing French Poodle. | |
Terrier | Hey now, look at that. All that and she can dance too. |
The tempo increases, and they chase the poodle. They try to kiss her, but she ducks and they end up kissing themselves. An old dog walks away with her, and they sigh. |