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Announcer
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And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As you may recall, our last episode had nothing to do with the previous episode. Or this one either.
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Link emerges, covered in ladies' undergarments. Strangepork chuckles.
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Dr. Julius Strangepork
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Why, Linky-poo, how defined you look. Hee-hee-hee-hee!
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Link Hogthrob
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Don't be disrespectful, Strangepork. These are not mine. I was attacked by them. (struggles to remove them)
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Dr. Julius Strangepork
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Well, if they're not yours, whose could they be?
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Link Hogthrob
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(on the intercom) First Mate Piggy, report to the bridge on the double!
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The door opens, revealing Loretta in costume with a false snout.
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Loretta
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Yes … yes, Captain Hogthrob? What is the matter?
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Link Hogthrob
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Uh … uh, can we try that again without the nose?
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Loretta
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(takes it off) You mean the snout's out?
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Link Hogthrob
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(nods) Much better. Now listen, First Mate Piggy.
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Loretta
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Yes?
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Link Hogthrob
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You must stop hanging your things to drip dry in the shower!
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Loretta
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Really? (Link nods) And whose is this?
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She holds up a girdle. Link gasps.
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Link Hogthrob
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Where did you get that?
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Loretta
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Right where you left it.
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Link Hogthrob
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Ah — that's a lie! I never saw it before in my life!
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Loretta
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Then why did your mom sew your name tag in it?
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Link Hogthrob
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Oh! Oh! (grabs it)
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Dr. Julius Strangepork
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It is your name, Linky.
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Link Hogthrob
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Well! I'm the captain. I have to look my best.
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Miss Piggy
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All right, Swit! I'm back and I'm taking over!
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Loretta
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(hugs Piggy) Oh, I'm so glad you're back! How we missed you. I mean, well, no, this was really a lot of fun, but oh, you belong here.
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Miss Piggy
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Really?
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Loretta
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Oh, yes! Pigs in Space is nothing without you. (they hug again)
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Miss Piggy
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Oh, Loret. Ohhh…
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Loretta
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I'm so glad that Kermit rehired you.
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Kermit
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Oh, wait a second! I did not rehire her! Pig, get off this stage!
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Miss Piggy
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I will not!
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Link Hogthrob
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Oh, this is terrible! We've been invaded by a little green monster!
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Dr. Julius Strangepork
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Worse than that - we've got two First Mate Piggies!
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Kermit
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Listen! Listen, you either get off this stage or I throw you off!
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Miss Piggy
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Yeah? You and whose army?
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Kermit
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I don't need an army to throw you off this stage, Pig! No I don't!
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Miss Piggy
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(dodging Kermit behind Loretta) Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Oh yeah?
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Loretta
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Hold it, hold it, hold it, everybody, hold it!
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Kermit
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What?
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Loretta
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Oh, now, Kermit, you know how important Miss Piggy is to the show.
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Kermit
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Well …
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Loretta
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And Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy, you know you wouldn't be happy anywhere else.
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Miss Piggy
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(pause) Well …
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Loretta
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(hugs them both) Oh, so, come on now, let's, let's sing a nice, warm … lovely together song. Huh?
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Kermit
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I hate sappy songs like that.
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Loretta
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All right then, why don't you two just kiss and make up? (a beat)
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Kermit
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Well, let's sing the sappy song. (music begins)
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Miss Piggy
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You don't make it easy, frog.
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Loretta
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Isn't it warm? Isn't it cozy?
Side by side …
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Miss Piggy
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(grumpy) By side.
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Loretta
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Ports in a storm, comfy and cozy,
Side by side …
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The tension between Kermit and Piggy slowly melts as they sing.
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Kermit
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… by side.
Everything shines.
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Miss Piggy
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How sweet.
Side by side…
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Kermit
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…by side.
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Loretta & Piggy
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Parallel lines, who meet.
Side by side…
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Kermit
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…by side.
Everyone winks. Nobody's nosy.
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Kermit & Piggy
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Side by side…
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Miss Piggy
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…by side.
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Loretta
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You bring the drinks, and I'll bring the posy,
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Kermit, Piggy & Loretta
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Side by side…
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Kermit & Piggy
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…by side.
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Loretta
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One's impossible.
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Kermit
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Two is dreary.
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Miss Piggy
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Three is company, bright and cheery.
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Loretta
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Side…
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Kermit
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…by side…
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Miss Piggy
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…by side!
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Loretta
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(hugs her) Welcome back, Miss Piggy!
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Miss Piggy
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Thank you!
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Loretta
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Oh, we've missed you so! Tell her how much we missed her, go on, Kermit, go ahead, please.
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Miss Piggy
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Tell me.
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Kermit
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Well … what would we do without you? Huh?
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Loretta
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Oh ...!
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The cast comes in.
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Loretta & Muppets
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What would we do without you?
How would we ever get through?
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Floyd
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Who would I complain to for hours?
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Gonzo
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Who'd bring me the flowers
When I had the flu?
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Loretta & Muppets
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Who changes subjects on cue?
Who cheers us up when we're blue?
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Loretta
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Who is so dear, and who is so deep?
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Statler & Waldorf
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And who would keep us occupied when we want to sleep?
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Loretta & Muppets
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How would we ever get through?
What would we do without you?
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Kermit
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Okay, everybody, one more time, just for Miss Piggy, huh? Here we go!
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Loretta & Muppets
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Year after year, older and older,
Side by side, by side!
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Loretta
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Sharing a tear, and lending a shoulder,
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Loretta & Muppets
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Side by side, by side!
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Loretta
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One is lonely…
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Kermit
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… and two is boring!
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Loretta & Muppets
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Think what you can keep ignoring!
Side by side, by side, by side,
by side, by side, by side, by side, by … SIDE!
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Applause. Piggy kisses Kermit, and he scowls.
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