When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it crows like a rooster.
Gonzo
Camilla, your uncle's calling!
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight, because our guest star is one of the world's great singers, Miss Shirley Bassey! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, how would you like to boogie? Well then, get thee to a barnyard!
Okay, well, in sharp contrast to that last act, what could be more different than the dramatic sophistication of our lovely talented guest star? Ladies and gentlemen, the dynamic Miss Shirley Bassey! Yaaaaay!
No, but the guy who did had just had a bowl of my chili!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The construction workers pass Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, nice number. Those fake gold bars looked very good, guys.
Scooter
Hey Kermit? Kermit, I got some news!
Kermit
Oh, you got the gold paint?
Scooter
Well, we don't need the paint anymore.
Kermit
Why not?
Scooter
Oh — you'll see. Come here.
He walks Kermit over to a pile of gold bars. Kermit gasps.
Scooter
Hey Bruno? Bruno!
Bruno, a deliveryman, pops up.
Scooter
Bruno, this is Kermit.
Bruno
It's a frog! You didn't say nothin' about no frog!
Scooter
Oh, he's okay. (to Kermit) Uh, you see, I saw Bruno across the street, parked in an armored van. He's loaning us the gold for Shirley Bassey's number.
Kermit
(to Bruno) Oh, that's very nice of you.
Scooter
Yeah, he's a big fan.
Bruno
Yeah, I love her.
Kermit
Uh-huh. That's real gold?
Bruno
Yeah, you bet, Mac. Fifty million bucks' worth.
Kermit
Wow. I've never even touched real gold before…
Bruno stops Kermit from touching it by grabbing his flipper.
Bruno
Nobody touches this gold except ME!
Kermit
(weakly) Uh, yes sir.
Bruno
(to Scooter) I still don't trust the frog. Something about the eyes.
Scooter
Well, he's okay, Bruno. Honest.
Behind them, Beaker takes one gold bar and walks away with it.
Bruno
Yeah? You know what fifty million bucks means to a frog?
Kermit shrugs.
Bruno
Anyway, if one of these gold bars is mi —
He notices that one is missing, throws Kermit on the desk and starts manhandling him.
Bruno
Okay! Up against the desk there! Spread 'em out! Spread 'em out! Okay, what'd you do with it? What'd you do with it?
Scooter
But Bruno … it couldn't have been him! He was right here!
Bruno
Oh yeah? You know how fast these frogs are? You ever seen one catch a fly?
Kermit scowls.
Muppet Labs[]
Open on Bunsen admiring his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh! Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. For centuries, alchemists have labored in vain, trying to turn lead into gold. Woo-hoo, that would be so snazzy! Now this machine cannot turn lead into gold, but it can do the next best thing. It can turn gold into cottage cheese. Now, here's my assistant, Beaker, with a nice shiny bright bar of gold. Let's put it in the machine, Beaker.
Bunsen removes the lid, and Beaker puts the heavy bar on the plate. Bunsen puts the lid back on.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
That's good. Now we turn the machine on.
He turns it on, and it buzzes. Bruno enters, notices Beaker and starts shaking him.
Bruno
Ha! All right, wise guy, what'd you do with it? Come on, I know you did it, you dirty rat!
Beaker
(yelping)
The buzzing stops as Bunsen turns off the machine.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
So, the experiment is complete.
Bruno
What'd he do with the gold?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Why, he put it right in the machine here.
He removes the lid. Bruno grabs what he thinks is the gold bar, but soon realizes it's not gold …
Bruno
… this is cottage cheese!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Low in cholesterol, high in vitamins!
An enraged Bruno chases Beaker around the lab.
Dressing Room[]
Someone knocks on the door as Shirley files her nails.
Shirley
Come in!
Scooter enters.
Scooter
Uh, excuse me, Miss Bassey.
Shirley
Yes?
Scooter
Uh, here's that cottage cheese you ordered.
Shirley
Oh, thank you, Scooter. I do like a light snack in between numbers.
Scooter
Yeah.
Shirley
Are you sure this is fresh?
Scooter
Well, yeah. Why do you ask?
She picks up the spoon, showing Scooter that the cottage cheese is actually solid gold.
Shirley
You call this a light snack?
Scooter
Well —
BONGGGG! She drops it on his toe.
Scooter
… no.
She chuckles.
Fazoobs[]
Two Fazoobs from Planet Koozebane perform "Isn't This a Lovely Day". The Trumpet Fazoob plays while another shoots balls into the air, each of which appear to explode. The last descends, having gained mass, and falls on the trumpeter's head.
I tell you, Shirley, it makes me feel weird. I mean, it's sitting right there next to Kermit's desk, fifty million dollars worth of gold.
Shirley
Just try to ignore it, Fozzie. It's only money.
Fozzie
But, Shirley? Fifty million dollars? Do you know how many jokes that would buy?
Shirley
Your kind of jokes? Quite a few.
Fozzie
No, really. I have an expensive gag writer, Gags Beasley. He charges fifty cents a laugh. Yeah. A dollar for a boffo belly-grabber.
Shirley
(giggling) "Boffo belly-grabber"?
Fozzie
Wait — if you divide a boffo belly-grabber into fifty million dollars, do you know how many laughs I could get with —
Music swells up.
Shirley
Fozzie, Fozzie — there are many more things in life. Let me tell you a little story. Okay?
Fozzie
Okay.
Shirley
A long time ago, a million years B. C., The best things in life were absolutely free. But no one appreciated a sky that was always blue. And no one congratulated a moon that was always new. So it was planned that they would vanish now and then. And you must pay before you get them back again. That's what storms were made for. And you shouldn't be afraid, for…
Shirley
Ev'rytime it rains, it rains pennies from heaven.
It briefly does so. Fozzie looks surprised.
Shirley
Don't you know, each cloud contains pennies from heaven.
It happens again. Fozzie holds out his hat.
Shirley
You'll find your fortune falling all over town.
Fozzie looks around, but nothing falls. He gets out an umbrella.
If you want the things you love, you must have showers.
More pennies fall.
Fozzie
(to the others) Wait, wait wait, wait …
Shirley
So when you hear it thunder, don't run under a tree.
Fozzie
(to the others) Wait, wait wait, wait …
Shirley
There'll be pennies from heaven for you … and me.
Even more pennies fall. They all go for it
Fozzie
Now! Go for it! Yes! Yes! It's mine! It's mine! Right, Rizzo! Give it — c'mon! It's mine!
Muppet Newsflash[]
The newsman is accompanied by Bruno, guarding the gold behind him.
Newsman
Here is a Muppet news flash. Tight security surrounds The Muppet Show with the theater holding over fifty million dollars in gold bullion. Trained guards watch the precious metal 'round the clock, and dire consequences will befall anyone who so much as lays a finger on it, like so.
He touches it, and Bruno tackles him and throws him up in the air.
Newsman
Uh … DOCTOR!
A doctor rushes in and checks on the gold with his stethoscope.
Doctor
They're going to be all right. But stay with 'em. (exits)
Gonzo's stunt[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo conducts "Liebestraume" while dueling a giant crab! Hoo boy!
A fanfare plays as the curtain opens on Rowlf and a violinist at a piano. Gonzo enters with a baton.
Gonzo
Thank you! Thank you, culture fans! And now, classical music meets seafood!
Gonzo starts conducting them as they start playing.
Gonzo
Now! En garde!
He uses his baton as a dueling sword with the crab.
Gonzo
(grunting) Somebody get the Guinness Book of Records on the phone! (ducks) Hah! Thank you, little crustacean! (grunts)
The violinist joins in the duel, using his bow as a weapon.
Violinist
En garde!
Gonzo
Oh no! Not you too!
Gonzo is immediately pinned to the piano by the violinist.
Rowlf
Wait, this is too violent for a family show!
Gonzo
It's only a flesh wound.
Backstage[]
Gonzo and the crab come backstage.
Kermit
Okay, that was tough luck, Gonzo.
Gonzo
Oh, tough luck? Au contraire, mon ami! Spanish. You have just witnessed the birth of a great new show business partnership! Gonzo and Buster!
Kermit
Buster? The crab's name is … of course it is.
They exit. Bruno passes with the gold.
Bruno
I just don't understand.
Kermit
What, uh, Gonzo?
Bruno
No, Shirley Bassey. What's she doing on a show like this?
Kermit
Well, right now she's going to sing, so why don't you just get that gold onstage, okay?
Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've had few artists on The Muppet Show who have solid gold records, and Shirley Bassey is no exception. But she is the only guest we've ever had with a solid gold set! Yes, no expense spared, so please welcome the inestimable, the priceless MISS SHIRLEY BASSEY! YAAAAAAY!
Shirley Bassey sings "Goldfinger" in a bank vault, sprawled across the loaned bars of gold. As she sings, Link Hogthrob (playing Goldfinger, his finger dipped in gold) and his squad of pig thieves enter the vault and steal every bar without her noticing. Bruno enters the stage, finds Shirley alone without the gold, and arrests her.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Well, it looks like we mined all the gold we can from this show, but before we head for the claims office, let's bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Shirley Bassey! Yaaaaay!
She comes out, accompanied by Bruno.
Shirley
Thank you, Kermit. I loved the show. It was lots of fun, and full of surprises.
Kermit
Surprises?
She reveals that she and Bruno are handcuffed together.
Kermit
(gasp!) Bruno, you apologize this minute!
Bruno
Okay, okay! I'm sorry I accused you! It was Shirley Bassey all the time.
Shirley
It was Kermit who staged it up! It was you!
Bruno
The frog?!
Kermit
Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! That was not me, I was …
The rest of the Muppets gather on stage. The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll.