Episode 504: Shirley Bassey/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 504: Shirley Bassey.

Cold Open

	Open on Pops grooming a rat. Shirley enters with a suitcase.
Shirley	Hi.
Pops	Oh, who are you?
Shirley	I'm Shirley Bassey. I'm doing the show tonight.
Pops	Oh, right. You're doing the show tonight.
Shirley	Mm-hm.
Pops	Great. You can brush my rat.
	He hands her the brush.
Shirley	What — I have to brush your rat?
Pops	Well, everybody pitches in around here.
Shirley	Oh, good, then you can comb my crocodile.
	She sets one on the counter, startling Pops.
Shirley	(to the viewer) They warned me about this show. So I came prepared. (giggles)

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Shirley Bassey! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, it crows like a rooster.
Gonzo	Camilla, your uncle's calling!

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight, because our guest star is one of the world's great singers, Miss Shirley Bassey! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, how would you like to boogie? Well then, get thee to a barnyard!
	Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem (including Lips) perform "Barnyard Boogie" outside a farmhouse with Gaffer, Rizzo, a pig, sheep, cow, rooster, chickens, and an unnamed dog.
Statler	"Boo! Boo!"
Waldorf	Say the men in the theater box,
Statler & Waldorf	Don't boogie in the barnyard!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The animals pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Very good, barnyard animals. Nicely mooed, oinked and clucked.
Sheep	What about me?
Kermit	Okay. Baaaaa'd.
Sheep	I thought it was good.
Kermit	Out, out, out, out!
Sheep	(sigh)
Kermit	I hate sheep shots. (in the intercom) Okay, on stage, dancing sacks, dancing sacks on stage please!
	Two shiny sacks make their way to the stage as music begins. Enter Scooter.
Scooter	Hey chief?
Kermit	Hmm?
Scooter	You know, in Shirley Bassey's closing number, "Goldfinger" …
Kermit	Yeah?
Scooter	… how you wanted the set painted gold?
Kermit	Right.
Scooter	Well, we don't have any gold paint.
Kermit	(gasp) What?
Scooter	The best we can do is kind of a rust color.
Kermit	Scooter, she's not going to sing "Rust-finger"! Haven't you got something closer to gold?
Scooter	Oh, what if we bring in some ice and she sings "COLD finger"? (laughs)
Kermit	Scooter, will you go out and get some paint right now?!?
Scooter	Yes, boss. (exits)
	Booing is heard from the crowd. Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie	Oh, Kermit!
Kermit	Hmm?
Fozzie	Those sacks are really boring.
Kermit	Oh, well, sack the sacks.
Fozzie	Yes, sir.
Kermit	(into the intercom) Uh, on stage, Shirley Bassey! Shirley Bassey on stage please!
	Kermit goes on stage. The sacks come off stage.
Female sack	It's all your fault! You've got no sense of rhythm!
Male sack	Aw, shut up, you old bag!
	She storms off in a huff.

"Fire Down Below"

Kermit	Okay, well, in sharp contrast to that last act, what could be more different than the dramatic sophistication of our lovely talented guest star? Ladies and gentlemen, the dynamic Miss Shirley Bassey! Yaaaaay!
	Shirley sings "Fire Down Below" in a gold foundry inhabited by Timmy Monster and a workforce of Whatnots.
Waldorf	Ah, "Fire Down Below" — great number.
Statler	Thanks.
Waldorf	"Thanks"? You didn't write "Fire Down Below".
Statler	No, but the guy who did had just had a bowl of my chili!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The construction workers pass Kermit.
Kermit	Okay, nice number. Those fake gold bars looked very good, guys.
Scooter	Hey Kermit? Kermit, I got some news!
Kermit	Oh, you got the gold paint?
Scooter	Well, we don't need the paint anymore.
Kermit	Why not?
Scooter	Oh — you'll see. Come here.
	He walks Kermit over to a pile of gold bars. Kermit gasps.
Scooter	Hey Bruno? Bruno!
	Bruno, a deliveryman, pops up.
Scooter	Bruno, this is Kermit.
Bruno	It's a frog! You didn't say nothin' about no frog!
Scooter	Oh, he's okay. (to Kermit) Uh, you see, I saw Bruno across the street, parked in an armored van. He's loaning us the gold for Shirley Bassey's number.
Kermit	(to Bruno) Oh, that's very nice of you.
Scooter	Yeah, he's a big fan.
Bruno	Yeah, I love her.
Kermit	Uh-huh. That's real gold?
Bruno	Yeah, you bet, Mac. Fifty million bucks' worth.
Kermit	Wow. I've never even touched real gold before…
	Bruno stops Kermit from touching it by grabbing his flipper.
Bruno	Nobody touches this gold except ME!
Kermit	(weakly) Uh, yes sir.
Bruno	(to Scooter) I still don't trust the frog. Something about the eyes.
Scooter	Well, he's okay, Bruno. Honest.
	Behind them, Beaker takes one gold bar and walks away with it.
Bruno	Yeah? You know what fifty million bucks means to a frog?
	Kermit shrugs.
Bruno	Anyway, if one of these gold bars is mi —
	He notices that one is missing, throws Kermit on the desk and starts manhandling him.
Bruno	Okay! Up against the desk there! Spread 'em out! Spread 'em out! Okay, what'd you do with it? What'd you do with it?
Scooter	But Bruno … it couldn't have been him! He was right here!
Bruno	Oh yeah? You know how fast these frogs are? You ever seen one catch a fly?
	Kermit scowls.

Muppet Labs

	Open on Bunsen admiring his latest invention.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh! Ahem. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. For centuries, alchemists have labored in vain, trying to turn lead into gold. Woo-hoo, that would be so snazzy! Now this machine cannot turn lead into gold, but it can do the next best thing. It can turn gold into cottage cheese. Now, here's my assistant, Beaker, with a nice shiny bright bar of gold. Let's put it in the machine, Beaker.
	Bunsen removes the lid, and Beaker puts the heavy bar on the plate. Bunsen puts the lid back on.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's good. Now we turn the machine on.
	He turns it on, and it buzzes. Bruno enters, notices Beaker and starts shaking him.
Bruno	Ha! All right, wise guy, what'd you do with it? Come on, I know you did it, you dirty rat!
Beaker	(yelping)
	The buzzing stops as Bunsen turns off the machine.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	So, the experiment is complete.
Bruno	What'd he do with the gold?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Why, he put it right in the machine here.
	He removes the lid. Bruno grabs what he thinks is the gold bar, but soon realizes it's not gold …
Bruno	… this is cottage cheese!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Low in cholesterol, high in vitamins!
	An enraged Bruno chases Beaker around the lab.

Dressing Room

	Someone knocks on the door as Shirley files her nails.
Shirley	Come in!
	Scooter enters.
Scooter	Uh, excuse me, Miss Bassey.
Shirley	Yes?
Scooter	Uh, here's that cottage cheese you ordered.
Shirley	Oh, thank you, Scooter. I do like a light snack in between numbers.
Scooter	Yeah.
Shirley	Are you sure this is fresh?
Scooter	Well, yeah. Why do you ask?
	She picks up the spoon, showing Scooter that the cottage cheese is actually solid gold.
Shirley	You call this a light snack?
Scooter	Well —
	BONGGGG! She drops it on his toe.
Scooter	… no.
	She chuckles.

Fazoobs

	Two Fazoobs from Planet Koozebane perform "Isn't This a Lovely Day". The Trumpet Fazoob plays while another shoots balls into the air, each of which appear to explode. The last descends, having gained mass, and falls on the trumpeter's head.

UK Spot

	The Muppet Orchestra plays "After You've Gone" with Nigel conducting Floyd, Zoot, Janice (on banjo), Animal, Rowlf, Lips, and the Trumpet Girl (on trombone) in the orchestra pit.

Dressing Room

Fozzie	I tell you, Shirley, it makes me feel weird. I mean, it's sitting right there next to Kermit's desk, fifty million dollars worth of gold.
Shirley	Just try to ignore it, Fozzie. It's only money.
Fozzie	But, Shirley? Fifty million dollars? Do you know how many jokes that would buy?
Shirley	Your kind of jokes? Quite a few.
Fozzie	No, really. I have an expensive gag writer, Gags Beasley. He charges fifty cents a laugh. Yeah. A dollar for a boffo belly-grabber.
Shirley	(giggling) "Boffo belly-grabber"?
Fozzie	Wait — if you divide a boffo belly-grabber into fifty million dollars, do you know how many laughs I could get with —
	Music swells up.
Shirley	Fozzie, Fozzie — there are many more things in life. Let me tell you a little story. Okay?
Fozzie	Okay.
Shirley	A long time ago, a million years B. C., The best things in life were absolutely free. But no one appreciated a sky that was always blue. And no one congratulated a moon that was always new. So it was planned that they would vanish now and then. And you must pay before you get them back again. That's what storms were made for. And you shouldn't be afraid, for…
Shirley	Ev'rytime it rains, it rains pennies from heaven.
	It briefly does so. Fozzie looks surprised.
Shirley	Don't you know, each cloud contains pennies from heaven.
	It happens again. Fozzie holds out his hat.
Shirley	You'll find your fortune falling all over town.
	Fozzie looks around, but nothing falls. He gets out an umbrella.
Shirley	Be sure that your umbrella is upside down.
	She turns it upside down, and Fozzie catches more. They're joined by T.R., Lew Zealand, Dr. Teeth, Rizzo, Beaker, and Gonzo.
Shirley	Trade them for a package of sunshine and showers.
Fozzie	(to the others) Wait, wait …
Shirley	If you want the things you love, you must have showers.
	More pennies fall.
Fozzie	(to the others) Wait, wait wait, wait …
Shirley	So when you hear it thunder, don't run under a tree.
Fozzie	(to the others) Wait, wait wait, wait …
Shirley	There'll be pennies from heaven for you … and me.
	Even more pennies fall. They all go for it
Fozzie	Now! Go for it! Yes! Yes! It's mine! It's mine! Right, Rizzo! Give it — c'mon! It's mine!

Muppet Newsflash

	The newsman is accompanied by Bruno, guarding the gold behind him.
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. Tight security surrounds The Muppet Show with the theater holding over fifty million dollars in gold bullion. Trained guards watch the precious metal 'round the clock, and dire consequences will befall anyone who so much as lays a finger on it, like so.
	He touches it, and Bruno tackles him and throws him up in the air.
Newsman	Uh … DOCTOR!
	A doctor rushes in and checks on the gold with his stethoscope.
Doctor	They're going to be all right. But stay with 'em. (exits)

Gonzo's stunt

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Great Gonzo conducts "Liebestraume" while dueling a giant crab! Hoo boy!
	A fanfare plays as the curtain opens on Rowlf and a violinist at a piano. Gonzo enters with a baton.
Gonzo	Thank you! Thank you, culture fans! And now, classical music meets seafood!
	Gonzo starts conducting them as they start playing.
Gonzo	Now! En garde!
	He uses his baton as a dueling sword with the crab.
Gonzo	(grunting) Somebody get the Guinness Book of Records on the phone! (ducks) Hah! Thank you, little crustacean! (grunts)
	The violinist joins in the duel, using his bow as a weapon.
Violinist	En garde!
Gonzo	Oh no! Not you too!
	Gonzo is immediately pinned to the piano by the violinist.
Rowlf	Wait, this is too violent for a family show!
Gonzo	It's only a flesh wound.

Backstage

	Gonzo and the crab come backstage.
Kermit	Okay, that was tough luck, Gonzo.
Gonzo	Oh, tough luck? Au contraire, mon ami! Spanish. You have just witnessed the birth of a great new show business partnership! Gonzo and Buster!
Kermit	Buster? The crab's name is … of course it is.
	They exit. Bruno passes with the gold.
Bruno	I just don't understand.
Kermit	What, uh, Gonzo?
Bruno	No, Shirley Bassey. What's she doing on a show like this?
Kermit	Well, right now she's going to sing, so why don't you just get that gold onstage, okay?
Bruno	Okay. (wheels it)
Kermit	Come on, on stage.
Bruno	Hey. Where do you think you're going?
Kermit	Uh — well, I was going to introduce Shirley.
Bruno	Well, go on then!
Kermit	Yes sir!
Bruno	(to Scooter) Keep an eye on that frog.
	Scooter shrugs.

"Goldfinger"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've had few artists on The Muppet Show who have solid gold records, and Shirley Bassey is no exception. But she is the only guest we've ever had with a solid gold set! Yes, no expense spared, so please welcome the inestimable, the priceless MISS SHIRLEY BASSEY! YAAAAAAY!
	Shirley Bassey sings "Goldfinger" in a bank vault, sprawled across the loaned bars of gold. As she sings, Link Hogthrob (playing Goldfinger, his finger dipped in gold) and his squad of pig thieves enter the vault and steal every bar without her noticing. Bruno enters the stage, finds Shirley alone without the gold, and arrests her.

Goodnights

Kermit	Well, it looks like we mined all the gold we can from this show, but before we head for the claims office, let's bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Shirley Bassey! Yaaaaay!
	She comes out, accompanied by Bruno.
Shirley	Thank you, Kermit. I loved the show. It was lots of fun, and full of surprises.
Kermit	Surprises?
	She reveals that she and Bruno are handcuffed together.
Kermit	(gasp!) Bruno, you apologize this minute!
Bruno	Okay, okay! I'm sorry I accused you! It was Shirley Bassey all the time.
Shirley	It was Kermit who staged it up! It was you!
Bruno	The frog?!
Kermit	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! That was not me, I was …
	The rest of the Muppets gather on stage. The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll.
Statler	I bought gold back when it was cheap.
Waldorf	Really? Where is it now?
Statler	(opens wide and says "aaaah")
	They chuckle.