Episode 505: James Coburn/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 505: James Coburn.

Cold Open

	Open on Pops doing the crossword in the newspaper. James enters with a suitcase.
Pops	Oh — who are you?
James	Coburn. James Coburn.
Pops	Oh yeah! Hey, I seen you in all them tough-guy movies! Heh heh! Hey — (looks around) you got a contract out on the frog?
James	No, no, I'm just here as a guest.
Pops	Sure y'are. And that bulge in your pocket's just a pipe.
	James removes a pipe from his jacket.
Pops	I'm sorry.
James	You've seen too many movies, Pop.
Pops	Heh heh heh.
James	Now can you show me to my dressing room?
Pops	Yeah. Uh, Scooter!
Scooter	Uh, yeah, Pops?
Pops	Yeah. Show Mr. Coburn to his dressing room.
James	And make it snappy.
	He fires the pipe like a pistol.
Scooter	Yes, sir! Right this way, sir!
	Scooter runs off. James blows smoke off the pipe and grins.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, James Coburn! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	Gonzo's trumpet goes seemingly unheard, until Foo-Foo pops up.
Gonzo	Well, she heard it.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Hi-ho, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And I have some wonderful news for you, because tonight's guest star is Hollywood's own James Coburn! (audience oohs) Yes! But first! First we have, direct from the Lamprey Lounge of the Bermuda Triangle Hilton, here are the Sargasso Bottom Rhythm Boys! YAAAAYY!
	The curtain opens. The Sargasso Bottom Rhythm Boys, an octopus drum-and-kazoo band, play "Temptation". A chained Animal watches in the wings, panting.
Floyd	Easy, Animal. Easy.
Animal	(panting) Square drums. Yucky drums!
	The band continues playing. Animal grows more and more restless.
Floyd	He's breaking away!
	Animal breaks away, attacking the octopi one by one. He throws the last one into the balcony, where it lands between Statler and Waldorf.
Statler	You got it wrong again!
Waldorf	Yeah, we're supposed to sit up here and throw things at you!
Statler	Yeah! Wha —
	The octopus gets up, dazed.

Backstage

	As one of the octopi stumbles, Piggy peeks from her dressing room.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Scooter! Are the octopuses all right?
Scooter	Well, it's hard to be sure. They may wind up in bouillabaisse.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Bouillabaisse. Well. Those French towns are nice!
	She goes back in her dressing room.
Kermit	(panicked) Animal's on the loose! Animal's on the loose!
	Everyone scats.
Beauregard	Get him, Rizzo!
Kermit	Oh, good grief, it's James Coburn!
	James emerges from his dressing room, and the audience cheers.
James	What is it, Kermit? You having problems?
Kermit	(stammering) Uh, problems? Uh, y— no! No, no, no, actually, uh, everything's right under control, sir. Yes. Uh, matter of fact, it's going to be a very different experience having you with us tonight.
James	Really? How so?
Kermit	Oh, well, for a change, we have a real Hollywood tough guy with us.
	Animal wrestles with an octopus, throwing him to the ground.
James	What do you call this? The Easter Bunny?
Kermit	Uh, well, well, this is Animal.
Animal	ANIMAL! Hahahah … (exits)
Floyd	I don't know what's gotten into him, Kermit. I tried to tire him out this morning. Took him for a long walk, wearing his cement galoshes. (laughs)
	Animal takes a bite out of a chair.
James	Animal — Animal, come here. Listen, there's right ways and there are wrong ways to handle aggression.
Animal	Aggression?
James	Yeah — you don't want to bust a chair up like that.
Animal	Wha?
James	You want to bust it up like THIS!!
	He grabs the chair and shatters it against the staircase post, then goes back to his dressing room.
Animal	MY KINDA GUY! (runs upstairs) JIMMY! JIMMY! JIMMY!

"(They Long to Be) Close to You"

	As a male Muppet sings "(They Long to Be) Close to You" to his lady friend, the birds, stars, and angels mentioned in the lyrics appear -- and then get stuck to the woman.
	In the balcony, Statler and Waldorf struggle with the octopus.
Statler	(grunts) Help me throw him out!
Waldorf	No! He's a family man.
Statler	He is?
Waldorf	Yes, he's got a wife and squids. (chuckles)
	The octopus throws Waldorf out of the balcony. Statler laughs.

Backstage

	Another octopus rests on Kermit's desk. The lady friend wobbles backstage, everything still sticking to her.
Lady friend	Anybody got a crowbar?
Kermit	Will you get out of here, octopus? Scram, scram, scram.
Scooter	Kermit, I can't believe it.
Kermit	What?
Scooter	James Coburn and Animal have made friends! Yeah, they're up in his dressing room swapping stories.
	Animal roars, and a chair flies out of the room.
James	How 'bout this?
	Another chair flies out of the room and lands on the floor.
Scooter	Well, they're swapping something.
	Exit Scooter. Enter Fozzie and Link in costume.
Link Hogthrob	Uh, Kermit, we're ready for Bear on Patrol.
Fozzie	Yes sir, sir.
Kermit	Uh, Bear on Patrol is not until the second half of the show, guys.
Fozzie	Okay, we'll wait in the squad car.
Kermit	(pointing to the octopus) Yeah, well, take this thing with you, would you?
Fozzie	Oh. In that case, we'll wait in the squid car. Ahhhh.
	Link laughs. Kermit groans and goes on stage.

Salute to the Roaring '20s

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, okay. It is now my privilege to present our very special guest star, Mr. James Coburn, in a Muppet salute to the roaring twenties. The era of flappers and bathtubs.
Lion	Hey. You gonna need me?
Kermit	Uh, no, I don't think so.
Lion	Oh yeah? Well, if you're doing the roaring twenties, who's gonna roar? You? (chuckles)
Kermit	Uh, well, we-we'll, we'll work on it.
Lion	Well, just don't forget, if you need me, I'm your mane man. (chuckles)
Kermit	Okay. Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here it is, the Muppet salute to the roaring twenties! Yaaaay!
	Open on a nightclub. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem play an instrumental of "The Varsity Drag" as Betsy Bird dances.
Random voices	(Woo.) (Look at her go.) (Woo.) (Hey, she's not bad.) (Yeah.) (Hey. Go, birdy, go.)
	The music ends, and the patrons cheer for Betsy. She walks off as the band starts to play "It Had to Be You." Camilla clucks forlornly.
Gonzo	What's the matter, sweetheart?
Camilla	(clucks)
Gonzo	You're scared? What's to be scared of at the Club Mildew?
Cuddles	Hey boss.
Gonzo	Yeah?
Cuddles	I heard another mob's gonna try to muscle in.
Gonzo	Oh, relax, Cuddles. Nobody muscles in on the Gonz.
	There's a knock on the door.
Doorman	Yeah, who's there?
James	James.
Doorman	James who?
	James opens the eye slot.
James	James Coburn.
Doorman	That's not funny.
James	Yeah, neither is this!
	He punches a hole in the door, turns the knob, opens it and enters with a violin case.
Doorman	(fearful) Hey — don't do that! It might be bad for the door!
Gonzo	Holy rigatoni, it's Big Jimmy! Take him, Lefty!
	James makes his way to the bar.
Lefty	Hey! Where do you think you're going?
	James grabs Lefty by the head, and tosses him to the entrance. He whacks the bartender across the bar counter.
James	All right, Gonzo, you're finished.
Gonzo	Why, you two-bit hood.
James	You calling me a two-bit hood?
Gonzo	Yeah.
James	When I've been living next door to you for the past ten years?
Gonzo	Okay, okay, fine — then you're a neighbor hood. (laughs)
James	Gonzo, Gonzo …
	He grabs Gonzo by the nose.
James	That was a lousy joke.
	He uses Gonzo's nose to open a can of root beer, and throws Gonzo down. He sips the can, then chucks it.
James	Oh! That root beer is terrible! It's the first thing we're gonna change around here.
Gonzo	Oh yeah? You and who else?
James	Me and my mob.
Gonzo	(looks around) I don't see any mob.
	They look around. James becomes sheepish.
James	Oh gosh — well, gee, they were … right behind me outside.
Gonzo	Ha ha! Get him, boys! Louie, Max, Lefty, Dopey, Sneezy …
	Gonzo's mob surrounds James. Animal, watching from the wings, runs onstage.
Animal	Help Jimmy! HELP JIMMY! HELP JIMMY!
James	Animal! Ha!
	A fight breaks out. Animal and James start throwing Gonzo's mobsters one by one. Victorious, James picks up the violin case he brought in.
Gonzo	Oh no! I'll bet you don't have a violin in that case.
James	That's right, Gonzo.
	He sets it down and opens it.
Gonzo	Oh! I give up! I give up! You can have the place! I was gonna open a chicken ranch anyway.
James	I don't want the place, Gonzo!
Gonzo	What?
	James takes a piccolo out of the case.
James	I just came to play with the band.
	He takes his piccolo and joins the cast in playing "Alexander's Ragtime Band." Applause.

UK Spot

	Kermit encounters Betsy doing some stretches.
Kermit	Oh, hi there, Betsy Bird! Hey, I really loved that little dance you did earlier in the show.
Betsy Bird	Oh … my, uh … well, thank you.
Kermit	Yeah, do you have any other dances you could do for us?
Betsy Bird	Oh, no, I mean — well, I, I'm just working them out. They're not very good. But if you want me to, uh, wing it … (chuckles)
Kermit	Hmm.
Betsy Bird	(stands up) Hit it!
	A bird band, led by Rowlf on piano, plays "Bird Walk" as she dances.

Bear on Patrol

	The opening sequence plays.
Announcer	And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
	Open on Link playing with the stamps. Fozzie leads a criminal into the precinct.
Fozzie	Get in there, you! Get in there!
Banananose Maldonado	Hey — lighten up!
Fozzie	Just keep going! Get in there! Stand still!
Link Hogthrob	Patrol Bear, can't you be more polite to the public?
Fozzie	But sir, this is a crook!
Link Hogthrob	Well, that's different. What's the little twerp's name?
Fozzie	Banananose Maldonado!
Link Hogthrob	(writes it down) "Banananose Maldonado" … how'd you ever get a dumb name like that?
Banananose Maldonado	My parents were Mr. and Mrs. Maldonado.
Link Hogthrob	(sarcastic) Well, okay, smarty-poo! Lock him up, Patrol Bear.
Fozzie	Yes, sir, sir, sir! Get in there, you! Get in there!
Banananose Maldonado	Hey, w-wait! Don't put me away! What if I spill the beans?
Link Hogthrob	That's simple. Lock him up and don't give him any beans.
Fozzie	Yes, sir! Get in there! No beans for you tonight!
Banananose Maldonado	Hey, wait a minute — what if I actually tell you that I'm really a police officer?
Link Hogthrob	Oh yeah? Well then, why aren't you wearing one of these official police officer type uniforms, hmm?
Banananose Maldonado	Uh — well uh — this is an official police disguise.
Link & Fozzie	Really?
Banananose Maldonado	Yeah.
Fozzie	Wow, this looks cute.
Link Hogthrob	Yeah.
Banananose Maldonado	Thank you.
	Fozzie tugs on his banana nose.
Fozzie	This — is this part of it right here?
Banananose Maldonado	(yelps) That's real!
Fozzie	Sorry! (lets go)
Banananose Maldonado	Actually I'm Chief Inspector Maldonado.
Link & Fozzie	(gasp) Really?
Banananose Maldonado	Yeah.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, Patrol Bear, set the Chief Inspector free!
Fozzie	Yes, sir, sir, sir! (leads him towards the exit)
Banananose Maldonado	Thank you, sergeant.
Link Hogthrob	Sorry.
Fozzie	Let me show you the way out!
Banananose Maldonado	Thank you.
Link Hogthrob	Yeah, help him out there.
Fozzie	You look very attractive in that. I'll get you a ta … TAXI! Love to the wife and kids! Oh! Oh, sir, we almost n —
	He notices a WANTED poster with three mugshots of Banananose on it.
Fozzie	Sir? Would you come here, uh… do you recognize this fellow?
Link Hogthrob	Oh, yeah.
Fozzie	Oh! What are we going to tell the commissioner?
Link Hogthrob	Tell the truth, of course. I caught this guy (points to the center mugshot), but I'm still looking for (points to the left and right mugshots) this one and this one.

Meditation

	James and Animal meditate to the sounds of a gong and chimes.
James	Animal, if you can control yourself… we will enter a state of relaxation. We're getting deeper and deeper relaxed. … Relaxed. Are you relaxed?
Animal	Wha?
James	Relax now. Control yourself. The white eternal light is penetrating your temple … going down through your body … and coming out your toes.
	Animal examines his toes.
James	Are you relaxed?
Kermit	Uh … uh, James?
James	Huh. … Oh, Kermit.
Kermit	Uh, excuse me, I — you know, I think it's just great what you're doing with Animal here.
James	Oh, it's nothing, just a little Oriental philosophy and some meditation.
Animal	Me-di-ta-tion.
Kermit	Mm-hmm. Yeah, well, just don't forget that the closing number is a rootin'-tootin' gun-totin' cowboy desperado shoot-em-up.
James	Yeah, Kermit, listen — uh, Animal and I have been talking this over, and uh, there's an awful lot of violence in entertainment these days. We'd like to do something a little bit more enlightened. Uh, something more serene. Like maybe a salute to Japan.
Kermit	Oh. Uh, yeah, well, we — well, we already have the cowboys and we rented the horses, though.
	James grabs Kermit by the neck.
James	Kermit … we want to do something serene.
	He aims Kermit at Animal's mouth.
Animal	SA-RENE!
Kermit	Y-yes, uh, well, that, that's a good idea, yes indeed, a, a salute to Japan, of course! (exits)
	James and Animal look at each other, laugh like Animal, and continue meditating.
	Meanwhile, the octopus takes Waldorf's seat.
Statler	Hey, will you sit down?
Waldorf	I can't. My seat has been octopi'd! (chuckles)
	Statler and the octopus throw Waldorf overboard and chuckle.

Backstage

	Link and Fozzie pass Kermit
Fozzie	We were so funny!
Link Hogthrob	Yeah. Were we supposed to be?
Kermit	Oh boy, what are we gonna do? James doesn't want to do the gunfighter sketch.
Purple cowboy	Why not?
Kermit	Uh, he doesn't like the gunfighter sketch.
Purple cowboy	You wanna know what the gunfighter thinks of James Coburn?
Kermit	N-n-no, no, probably not.
Purple cowboy	(grumbles, walks off)
Kermit	Uh, Scooter?
Scooter	Yeah?
Kermit	What are we gonna do? James Coburn wants to do a quiet, contemplative Japanese closing number.
Scooter	Oh, I got no time, boss. You know whose bus just broke down in front of the theater? The Tokyo Tai Chi, Karate and Chowder Society.
	A group of geishas walk by.
Kermit	Oh! Oh, look! Oh, well, fate sometimes just seems to step right in! I'll go make the intro!
	Scooter and the geishas bow to each other.
Scooter	… Yeah.

Salute to Japan

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay, uh, and now, uh, ladies and gentlemen, we're never too sure if any act on this show will work or not, but this next act is guaranteed to work. Or not. Uh, hoo boy. Anyway, here is our special guest, Mr. James Coburn, exploring the perfect serenity of eastern gong music, with our own zen percussionist, Animal. Uh, I'd give it about a minute and a half. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Coburn.
	The curtain opens on James in a shōji temple setting. As he plays a gong, the geishas show up in the doorways and bow. Animal enters, bows, and strikes his small gong.
Animal	Ha ha ha ha!
James	Animal.
Animal	Huh?
James	Serenely.
Animal	Se-rene-ly.
	He strikes the gong again, then holds his ear up to it. He strikes it again loudly.
Animal	Ha ha ha ha!
James	Oh …
Animal	Oh …
	James continues to play the gong quietly. Animal listens.
Animal	Boring.
	The cowboy watches from a window.
Purple cowboy	You guys are really dyin' out there!
James	Shhh!
Purple cowboy	I'm telling you, Jimmy, you should've done the Western!
James	We're doing the Eastern!
Purple cowboy	What kind of a dance you call that?
Animal	Square.
Geisha	Most humbly beg to differ. This not square dance. This square dance.
	Square dance music with a Japanese flair begins to play, as the geishas form a line and begin to dance. The cowboys join them.
Purple cowboy	Hey, buckaroos, it's a hoedown!
Cowboys	(cheering, whooping and hollering)
	A fiddler appears in the window. James shrugs.
James	Well, I certainly can't beat 'em. Lean your partners to and fro, All join in with an oh soh do.
	They all dance to a "Skip to My Lou" variant as James claps.
James	Out in the barnyard having fun, Chickens are laying egg foo yung.
	Dance break.
James	Dance to the middle, then come back-ey, Mud in your eye and a cup o' hot sake.
	Dance break.
James	Dog in the bread pan, kitten in the stew, Girls in the middle for a little kung-fu.
	Dance break. The geishas karate-chop the cowboys.
James	Keep on dancing 'round the floor, It'll soon be over 'cause there ain't no more. Tough old cowboys, Japanese dolls, Bow to your partner, walk through the walls.
	They all do so, and to end the song, Animal and James both hit the gong. Applause.

Goodnights

	Kermit stands in front of a gong.
Kermit	Okay, well, we made it to the end of another one, thanks to our very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. James Coburn! Yaaaaay!
	James and Kermit bow to each other.
James	Yes, well, thank you very much, Kermit. I had a terrific time. Now I can say I've done The Muppet Show.
Kermit	Yeah, well, the way things turned out, you could say you've done The Gong Show! (laughs)
	Animal runs on stage about to hit the gong.
Animal	GONG SHOW! GONG SHOW!
James	(snatches Animal's stick) Gimme that!
Kermit	Oh, good. Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	Animal strikes the gong with his head. The credits roll as the geishas, Gonzo and more gather on stage.
	Meanwhile, in the balcony, the octopus holds Statler and Waldorf hostage in its tentacles.
Octopus	More! More!