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Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
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Kermit
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Uh, okay. It is now my privilege to present our very special guest star, Mr. James Coburn, in a Muppet salute to the roaring twenties. The era of flappers and bathtubs.
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Lion
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Hey. You gonna need me?
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Kermit
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Uh, no, I don't think so.
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Lion
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Oh yeah? Well, if you're doing the roaring twenties, who's gonna roar? You? (chuckles)
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Kermit
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Uh, well, we-we'll, we'll work on it.
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Lion
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Well, just don't forget, if you need me, I'm your mane man. (chuckles)
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Kermit
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Okay. Uh, well, ladies and gentlemen, here it is, the Muppet salute to the roaring twenties! Yaaaay!
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Open on a nightclub. Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem play an instrumental of "The Varsity Drag" as Betsy Bird dances.
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Random voices
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(Woo.) (Look at her go.) (Woo.) (Hey, she's not bad.) (Yeah.) (Hey. Go, birdy, go.)
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The music ends, and the patrons cheer for Betsy. She walks off as the band starts to play "It Had to Be You." Camilla clucks forlornly.
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Gonzo
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What's the matter, sweetheart?
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Camilla
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(clucks)
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Gonzo
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You're scared? What's to be scared of at the Club Mildew?
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Cuddles
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Hey boss.
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Gonzo
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Yeah?
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Cuddles
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I heard another mob's gonna try to muscle in.
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Gonzo
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Oh, relax, Cuddles. Nobody muscles in on the Gonz.
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There's a knock on the door.
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Doorman
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Yeah, who's there?
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James
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James.
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Doorman
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James who?
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James opens the eye slot.
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James
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James Coburn.
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Doorman
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That's not funny.
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James
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Yeah, neither is this!
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He punches a hole in the door, turns the knob, opens it and enters with a violin case.
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Doorman
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(fearful) Hey — don't do that! It might be bad for the door!
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Gonzo
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Holy rigatoni, it's Big Jimmy! Take him, Lefty!
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James makes his way to the bar.
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Lefty
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Hey! Where do you think you're going?
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James grabs Lefty by the head, and tosses him to the entrance. He whacks the bartender across the bar counter.
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James
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All right, Gonzo, you're finished.
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Gonzo
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Why, you two-bit hood.
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James
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You calling me a two-bit hood?
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Gonzo
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Yeah.
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James
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When I've been living next door to you for the past ten years?
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Gonzo
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Okay, okay, fine — then you're a neighbor hood. (laughs)
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James
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Gonzo, Gonzo …
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He grabs Gonzo by the nose.
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James
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That was a lousy joke.
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He uses Gonzo's nose to open a can of root beer, and throws Gonzo down. He sips the can, then chucks it.
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James
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Oh! That root beer is terrible! It's the first thing we're gonna change around here.
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Gonzo
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Oh yeah? You and who else?
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James
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Me and my mob.
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Gonzo
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(looks around) I don't see any mob.
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They look around. James becomes sheepish.
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James
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Oh gosh — well, gee, they were … right behind me outside.
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Gonzo
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Ha ha! Get him, boys! Louie, Max, Lefty, Dopey, Sneezy …
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Gonzo's mob surrounds James. Animal, watching from the wings, runs onstage.
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Animal
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Help Jimmy! HELP JIMMY! HELP JIMMY!
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James
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Animal! Ha!
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A fight breaks out. Animal and James start throwing Gonzo's mobsters one by one. Victorious, James picks up the violin case he brought in.
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Gonzo
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Oh no! I'll bet you don't have a violin in that case.
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James
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That's right, Gonzo.
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He sets it down and opens it.
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Gonzo
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Oh! I give up! I give up! You can have the place! I was gonna open a chicken ranch anyway.
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James
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I don't want the place, Gonzo!
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Gonzo
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What?
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James takes a piccolo out of the case.
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James
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I just came to play with the band.
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He takes his piccolo and joins the cast in playing "Alexander's Ragtime Band." Applause.
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