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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 506: Brooke Shields.

Cold open

Pops throws a paper airplane and giggles. Brooke enters with a suitcase.
Pops Who are you?
Brooke I'm your guest, Brooke Shields.
Pops Oh, yes. Brooke Shields. Yeah, he-here's your script.
Brooke Thank you. (looks at it) Gee, this is Alice in Wonderland. I thought I was doing something called The Muffin Show.
White Rabbit (runs by) OH DEAR, OH DEAR! I'M LATE! I'M LATE! WAAUGH!
Pops That answer your question?
Brooke No.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Brooke Shields! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
Gonzo gets the hiccups when he tries to play his trumpet.
Gonzo Uh, excuse me.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we're going to have a very special show for you tonight. Our guest star is one of the brightest new talents in the film world, Miss Brooke Shields. (audience oohs) Yes. And with Brooke, we're going to tell you the story of Alice in Wonderland.
The White Rabbit hops behind him.
Kermit You all know Alice in Wonderland. It's all crammed with lovable characters and— and cute, fluffy little bunny rabbits.
The White Rabbit grabs him by the neck.
White Rabbit Look — either you tell me where the rabbit hole is, or I tear your head off.
Kermit (stammers) Just back behind the curtains.
White Rabbit Thanks. (exits)
Kermit Uh, a-a-and also cruel, heartless, violent little bunny rabbits. Uh, anyhow, something for everyone in Alice in Wonderland.
The curtain opens on Alice (Brooke) in a forest, reading a book. The White Rabbit looks around for something.
Brooke Hi, I'm Alice. Who are you?
White Rabbit Oh, no time for that. I'm looking for a hole.
Brooke Looking for a hole? A whole what?
White Rabbit I hate smart Alices. — Oh, look, there it is. Whee! (jumps)
Brooke (stands up) Wait! Wait, you got the line wrong! You were supposed to say "I'm late, I'm late, for a very—" (shrieks)
She falls down the rabbit hole. Thus begins the opening number: she passes Scooter, the Cheshire Cat, and a group of other Muppets as they sing.
Muppets What a fantastical, feathery feeling!
Brooke I'm faaaaaaaaalling…
Muppets Slowly revolving and spinning and reeling!
Brooke I'm faaaaaaaaalling…

Curious creatures with curious features appear and fade!
Constant surprises are greeting your eyes,
There's a jar of orange marmalade!

Jar Hi, there. Hehehehe! We're having a jam session. Wanna sit in?
Link Hogthrob

Hey there, Miss Alice, if you're near the palace,
Just drop in.

Brooke I'm quite good at dropping, I've been practicing a long time now.

If you're really racin' that rabbit you're chasin',
Get hoppin'!

Brooke I don't think a person can hop and drop at the same time.
Flamingo Talking flamingos, that cool Cheshire cat.
Dr. Teeth Yeah!
Flamingo, Bird Up where you fell from, there's nothing like that!
Muppets You're in for adventure as soon as you finish your falling!
Brooke That's the part I'm worried about. I seem to have mastered falling, but how good am I at landing?
Dr. Teeth

There's a footman with a face like a fish's,
And a duchess with a cook who keeps breaking the dishes!

Humpty Dumpty Caterpillar on a mushroom who's smoking a hookah!
Muppets Hookah! Hookah! Look at the hookah!
Brooke That's very bad for your health, you know.
Scooter A teapot that has a mouse in it.
Muppets Things get madder and madder... by the minute!
Brooke "Curiouser and curiouser" is the expression, I believe.
Muppets Wait till the scene where the crazy old queen wants your head off!
Brooke Why worry about her? With any luck, I won't survive the fall.
Muppets Feels like you're bound to a merry-go-round you can't get off!
Scooter Don't be surprised if you meet Captain Hook.
Dr. Teeth 'Cause our version won't always follow the book!
Muppets Get set for adventure as soon as you finish your falling!
Alice finally lands on the floor and curtsies. Applause. She notices the White Rabbit.
White Rabbit Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm late!
Brooke (gasp) It's the White Rabbit!
White Rabbit Aah! (hops through a hole in the wall)
Brooke Wait! … But I can't get through there!
White Rabbit It's easy! Just have some dessert!
She notices a piece of cake on the stool and takes a bite. Chimes are heard.
Brooke He's right! It is easy! In fact, it's a piece of cake.
She shrinks, and goes for the door.
Waldorf Ah, a great little actress.
Statler Yep, and getting smaller all the time.
They chuckle.


The White Rabbit and other Muppets pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay. Okay, nice opening number.
Scooter Hey Kermit?
Kermit Hmm?
Scooter We've got some costume problems.
Kermit Such as?
Fozzie Here I am, Kermit!
Kermit Fozzie, what is that?
Fozzie I'm the Tin Woodsman!
Kermit (frets) There's no Tin Woodsman in Alice in Wonderland!
Fozzie Alice in Wonderland? I thought we were doing Peter Pan!
Kermit (frets) It's Alice in Wonderland! Now go change, Fozzie!
Fozzie Yes sir! Anybody got a can opener? (runs off)
Scooter Hey, Kermit, I don't remember the Tin Woodsman in Peter Pan.
Kermit Oh, that doesn't matter. Uh, where's Miss Piggy? Is she in her Queen of Hearts costume?
Scooter Oh, that's another one of our problems. (exits)
Kermit What? Miss Piggy!
She comes out of her dressing room, dressed as Alice.
Miss Piggy Did I hear my froggy call?
Kermit … Piggy, that's the wrong costume! Why are you dressed like Alice?
Miss Piggy I heard she fell.
Kermit She did, but now she's alright.
Miss Piggy Pity. … I learned all her lines.
Kermit Well, you'd better learn the Queen of Hearts' lines, because that's who you are!
Miss Piggy Queen of — yes. Queen of Hearts. That suits us. If anyone can portray royalty, it is we.
She goes in to change. Floyd limps by in his caterpillar costume.
Kermit Oh, Floyd! Floyd, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on stage!
Floyd Hmph! Not in this jive caterpillar outfit! Yucch! I hate caterpillars.
Kermit Listen, Floyd, you can either take your place on stage or in the unemployment line!
Floyd (blinks) I hear ya. (limps away, singing) Poor butterfly…
Kermit (shakes head) Why did we do Alice in Wonderland? We should have done something simple, like War and Peace.

The Caterpillar

Main stage. Scooter enters.
Scooter Kermit has very graciously asked me to introduce the next scene in Alice in Wonderland, so he wouldn't have to come out here. (nods) So, here it is, the next scene from Alice in Wonderland.
Kermit Scooter?
Scooter Hmm?
Kermit Tell 'em what it is.
Scooter Well, what is it?
Kermit It's the caterpillar scene.
Scooter Oh. Uh, the caterpillar scene.
Kermit (scowls) Scooter, uh, thanks a lot for all your help. (shoves him away)
Scooter You're welcome. You're welcome.
Kermit Ladies and gentlemen, it's the caterpillar scene! YAAAAYYY!
The curtain opens on a garden. Floyd the caterpillar sits on top of a mushroom smoking a hookah. Alice approaches.
Floyd Who are you?
Brooke Pardon?
Floyd Who are you, little lady?
Brooke Oh, please. No short jokes. Anyway, I'm just as tall as you are.
Floyd (nods) Hmm. What you forget is, you're talkin' to a caterpillar.
Brooke But the point is, I have to be taller by the next scene.
Floyd No. The point is, you should try growing mushrooms.
Brooke I don't have time to grow mushrooms.
Floyd No, no no no no no. Not growing mushrooms. What I'm talkin' 'bout is growin' mushrooms — the kind you eat and then you grow. (laughs)
Brooke And you wouldn't know where I could find one of these growing mushrooms, I don't suppose?
Floyd Hmm. Help yourself. But mind you, take it off the bottom.
She takes off a chunk and ingests it.
Brooke Why off the bottom?
Floyd 'Cause there ain't mush' room on top! (laughs)
Chimes are heard as she starts growing.
Floyd Mm-hmm, that's the trouble with kids today, they grow up so fast.
Waldorf Heh, that girl's a big talent.
Statler Yep, and getting bigger all the time.
They chuckle.


Kermit Okay. Way to go, Floyd. Looks like you were having a ball out there.
Floyd I'll say. Of course, having a ball is only proper for a caterpillar.
Kermit Oh?
Floyd Yeah, you see, my mother was a moth, and I'm sure you've heard of …
Kermit (with Floyd) … moth balls.
Floyd (laughs, exits)
Kermit Okay, Mad Tea Party on stage next! Mad Tea Party!
Gonzo Kermit! Kermit, I refuse to go on with Brooke.
Kermit Why?
Gonzo I mean, I've played with the big stars before, but she is definitely out of my league.
Kermit Well, I know she's a big star, yeah.
Gonzo Do you know how big?
Kermit No, how big?
Kermit (gasp) Brooke! What are you doing up there?
Brooke Sorry, Kermit. Guess I overate.
Gonzo Heh. Too many mushrooms. It'll do it every time. (nods)
Brooke What do I do now?
Kermit Uh, well, le-le-let's go to to your dressing room. We'll figure something out.
Brooke Okay.
Kermit Uh, Scooter! Would you get somebody to stall on stage? Come on, Brooke.
Scooter Uh, right, boss. Gee — hey, Gonzo, who do we have?
Gonzo Well, there's Humpty Dumpty.
Scooter Oh.
Humpty Dumpty Yeah, uh, could you have all the king's horses and all the king's men standing by just in case?
Scooter Oh, don't worry, you'll be terrific.
Gonzo Grade A!
Humpty Dumpty Come on, guys.
Link and a green Whatnot follow him to the stage.
Scooter Say, was that a tie he was wearing, or a belt?
Link Hogthrob I don't know. That's wardrobe. It's not my department.

"These Are the Yolks, Folks"

Humpty Dumpty sits on a wall, singing. The White Rabbit hops behind him.
Humpty Dumpty

At the risk of laying a bomb with you,
Or at least a little bomblet,
I'd like to announce …
I'm preparing to play…
The lead in Shakespeare's Omelet! (laughs)
These are the yolks, folks!

The White Rabbit, the Cheshire Cat and other Wonderlanders join him.
Yolks edited.JPG

These are the yolks!
Yuk-yuk! Tough luck!
Cluck cluck! We're stuck!
These are the yolks!

Humpty Dumpty

Some people say that the way I tell jokes
Is very close to human.
So tomorrow I go …
To a studio …
To record my first record albumen! (laughs)
These are the yolks, folks!


These are the yolks!
Yuk-yuk! Tough luck!
Cluck cluck! We're stuck!
These are the yolks!

Humpty Dumpty Whoooaaa…
Humpty has a great fall, and is trampled by all the king's horses and all the king's men.
Waldorf What did you think of Humpty Dumpty?
Statler Terrible. I hate off-the-wall comedy.
They chuckle.

Dressing room

The enlarged Brooke finds it hard to move around in her dressing room.
Brooke Help, help! Get me out of here! I'm still growing!
Kermit (gasp) Brooke! Uh, listen, uh, don't worry, you're gonna be okay! Uh, th-this is Dr. Bunsen Honeydew.
Brooke (sigh) Thank goodness you're here, doctor. Are you a shrink?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (snickers) No, no, no. I'm the one who produced the effect.
Brooke Oh. You'd better do something. I can't go through life this tall.
She accidentally knocks over her vanity table.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew I hear there's money in basketball. (snickers)
Kermit Bunsen!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Sorry. Don't worry, my dear. You should start becoming smaller any minute.
Chimes are heard.
Brooke Oh. Yes, you're right. Oh, thank goodness.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew You're welcome. In no time at all, you'll be your normal size again.
Brooke Yes! Yes, I am my normal size!
Kermit Oh, good.
She continues to shrink.
Brooke That is, I was my normal size.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh-oh.
Kermit Bunsen, you gotta do something!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew I will!
Kermit What?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew I'll tie up the cat! (rushes off)
Brooke is now as small as a muffin.
Brooke I knew I should have done The Muffin Show instead.

UK spot

Fozzie, dressed as the Tin Man, looks sad.
Fozzie (sigh) Everything's going wrong. Kermit won't let me play the Tin Woodsman. Bunsen shrank the guest star. Old Humpty Dumpty's had an accident. Now Dr. Bob is trying to fix him up.
Dr. Teeth shows up, grinning like a Cheshire Cat and still dressed as one.
Dr. Teeth Yeah, but that's good.
Fozzie With sausage and chips?
Dr. Teeth (laughs) Listen, bear, you worry too much. Look at me! I'm always smilin'.
Fozzie Yeah, but you're the Cheshire Cat. You're supposed to smile.
Dr. Teeth plays the organ and sings.
Dr. Teeth

When you're smilin' — yes, when you're smilin',
Then the whole world smiles with you.
And when you're laughin', ohhh, when you're laughin',
Then the sun comes shinin' through.

The other Wonderlanders join from upstairs.
White Rabbit Come on, Fozzie! Smile.
Fozzie Aw, please, I'd rather be miserable.
White Rabbit There are smiles that make you happy…
Duchess There are smiles that make you blue…
White Rabbit Aw yeah.

There are smiles that steal away the tear drops,
As the sum beams steal away the dew.

They laugh.
Fozzie What's smiling — what's smiling got to do with the weather?
Dr. Teeth Oh, a lot.

Gray skies are bound clear up.

Floyd Put on a happy face.
Dr. Teeth Oh yeah!

Brush off the clouds and cheer up!

Floyd Put on a happy face.
Dr. Teeth Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy.
Floyd It's not your style.
Floyd & Teeth You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile!

I'd walk a million miles, for one of your smiles,
My Fo-o-zzie!

Fozzie All right, all right. I give up.

Happy days are here again.
The skies above are clear again.


Let's sing a song of cheer again!
Happy days are here again!

Gonzo ¡Olé!
The medley concludes. They all whoop and holler before leaving Fozzie alone.
Fozzie (over the applause) Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. You've made me so happy. Thank you, all of you. Yes. (the applause dies down) I'm so depressed! (sigh)


Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, one of Lewis Carroll's most beloved poems.
Scooter Make this a good intro, chief. This scene needs all the help it can get!
Kermit Uh, at least you're in the scene, so you know what it is.
Scooter Have you seen the scene? Even when you know what it is, you don't know what it is.
Kermit Um — uh, uh ladies and gentlemen, Jabberwocky.
The curtain opens on a dark forest with some bizarre creatures.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Rowlf approaches Scooter.

Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!

Scooter nods and walks off holding a sword.

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
(stands in thought) Hmm.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as he came.

Jabberwock Burble burble. Burble burble.
Scooter Aha!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!

He beheads the Jabberwock.

He left it dead, and with its head,
He went galumphing back.
(with Jabberwock) Galumph, galumph, galumph, galumph …

Rowlf Ah! And has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Scooter nods. Rowlf hugs him.

Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Scooter He chortled in his joy.
The strange creatures from the beginning reappear.
Jabberwock's head

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Scooter I tell ya, this is the weirdest thing we've ever done on this show.
Green pig It was an outgrabe.
Scooter (sigh)
Jabberwock's head Can I just put on my body and go home?
Rowlf Well, you should quit while you're a head!
They all laugh. Scooter groans.


Kermit sits on a table, looking down at the floor.
Kermit Um — Brooke? Brooke? Listen, Brooke, y-you're so tiny now, I'm scared I'm going to step on you. Give me some idea where you are.
Brooke I'm okay, Kermit! I'm right down here by the —
The Jabberwocky creatures pass by. Piggy peeks out of her dressing room, dressed as the Queen of Hearts.
Kermit Watch out! Watch where you're stepping!
Miss Piggy Kermit?
Kermit Not now, Piggy! (to the creatures) Look out for the guest star!
She makes her way downstairs.
Miss Piggy Kermit, I would have been here earlier, but I was busy … learning my line!
Kermit Uh, wait a second, Piggy, don't walk over here.
Miss Piggy One lousy line in the trial scene. Do you want to hear my role?
Kermit No.
Miss Piggy "Off with his head." (she advances towards him) Kermit, I tell you, I don—
Kermit PIGGY, DON'T MOVE!!! Uh — I'm sorry, but Brooke has shrunk so small that we can't find her. So watch your step.
Miss Piggy What?
Kermit Yeah, but don't worry, 'cause I'm gonna cancel the whole trial scene anyway.
He walks away. A beat. She feigns sickness.
Miss Piggy (jumps) Achoo. (jumps) Achoo. (looks down) Haha! Sorry! (trots away)
Brooke Missed me!

The Trial

Scooter And now, ladies and gentlemen, the trial scene!
The curtain opens on the trial scene.
White Rabbit Silence in court!
Kermit Uh, wa-wait a second!
White Rabbit SHHHH!
Kermit Yeah, but how can we hold the trial without Alice?
White Rabbit Will you please be quiet?
Kermit Yeah, but what's the point?
White Rabbit Hush!
Kermit Who are you?
White Rabbit I'm the 'usher! (giggles)
Kermit Will you get outta here?
White Rabbit SHHHH! Please rise, for his honor, Judge Marvin Suggs!
A fanfare plays as Marvin arrives, hollering and bowing.
Marvin Suggs S'ank you. S'ank you. Gracias. Danke shoen and sank you! ¡Silencio!
He whacks the White Rabbit with his gavel.
Marvin Suggs This case, it-a rests.
Kermit Uh, your honor, we are missing our star witness.
Marvin Suggs (gets in Kermit's face) Who cares? We begin wis-OUT her!
Kermit Uh, your honor, I move that we hold the trial.
Marvin Suggs Good! You move, and we hold the trial!
The jury mumbles as the White Rabbit gets up.
Kermit Uh, but your honor —
Marvin Suggs ¡Silencio! (whacks the White Rabbit again) Excuse me, green-ah person. Have you been-ah sworn in?
Kermit Uh, at, yes. In, no.
Marvin Suggs Okey-dokey! Put-ah your 'and on za book, and-ah repeat-ah after me. (whispers) "Ow."
Kermit looks confused. Marvin whacks his flipper.
Kermit OW!
Marvin Suggs Very nice!
White Rabbit (gets up) Uh, your honor …
Marvin Suggs Where? Where? Where? Oh yes! Whew! Thank you!
White Rabbit Uh, before the jury retires…
Marvin Suggs Before ze jury retire, a little lullaby! "Lady of Spain"!
He begins playing one side of the jury like a Muppaphone.
Marvin Suggs (over applause) S'ank you! S'ank you! S'ank you! ¡Gracias! S'ank you! And now — ze queen will read-ah ze sentence!
Miss Piggy (glances the script) Um … "off with her head."
She pouts as the court cheers.
Waldorf I think it should be declared a mistrial.
Statler What do you mean "mis"? He hit every one of 'em.
They chuckle.


Kermit shoos everyone backstage.
Kermit Okay, everybody off-stage! That's it! We can't do anymore! The show is over!
Scooter Chief, I just found Brooke. She's her normal size again.
Kermit shoos everyone onstage.
Kermit Eep! Uh, everybody onstage! That's it! The Mad Tea Party next! The show's not over!
Scooter Well, you can't say he isn't flexible.

The Mad Tea Party

Main stage. Kermit enters to fanfare.
Kermit Okay, well, here it is, folks, and it's going to be fantastic — the Mad Tea Party, starring Brooke Shields. Oh, please let it be fantastic. YAAAAYYY!
The curtain opens on the tea party, where Gonzo, the Dormouse (a chicken), and the March Hare dance and sing.

Twinkle, twinkle, little bat,
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world so high,
Like a tea tray in the sky!

The tempo increases.

Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle,
Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twink!

Gonzo I won!
March Hare No you didn't!
Brooke enters to applause.
Wonderlanders No room! No room! No room!
Brooke Of course there is. There's plenty of room.
March Hare Have some wine?
Brooke I don't see any wine.
March Hare There isn't any!
They laugh.
Brooke Well then, it's not very nice of you to offer it.
March Hare And it's not very nice of you to sit down without being invited!
They laugh.
Brooke Who are you?
Chicken I'm the Dormouse. Brawk.
Gonzo That's "Brooke"!
They laugh.
Brooke That's funny. You don't look like a mouse.
March Hare He doesn't look like a door either!
They laugh.
Gonzo Tell us a story, tell us a story.
March Hare Oh yes.
Chicken Uh, once upon a time there were three sisters, who lived in a well! (laughs)
March Hare Well, well, well!
Gonzo I want a clean cup! Everybody move one place!
Wonderlanders Move one place! Move one place!
Brooke Hey, this isn't fair. The only one that gets a clean cup is him.
Gonzo I know! Life is so unfair!
They cry.
Brooke Oh, there there. Life isn't so bad.
Gonzo I wasn't crying about that. I was crying because my watch has stopped!
March Hare I told you not to put butter in it!
Gonzo But it was the best butter!
They laugh. A fanfare plays as Statler and Waldorf enter the scene.
Brooke Who are you?
Statler & Waldorf We're Tweedledee and Tweedledum!
Statler Everything looks...
Waldorf So delicious!
They laugh.
Wonderlanders No room! No room!
Brooke Have some wine?
Statler I don't …
Waldorf … see any wine.
Brooke There isn't any!
They laugh.
Wonderlanders No room! No room!
Kermit Ho, ho, stop this — this whole tea party is getting totally out of control.
Brooke Well, why don't we sing a song?
Muppets But what can we sing?
Cue the music. Fozzie enters, and they all sing a chorus of "We're Off to See the Wizard". Applause.


Kermit And so we come to the end of Alice in Wonderland! And if we don't all live happily ever after, at least we'll survive for another week. Anyway, before we go, let's say thank you to a wonderful guest and delightful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Brooke Shields! YAAAAAYYY!
Brooke enters to applause.
Brooke Thank you, Kermit. I've always wanted to do Alice in Wonderland.
Kermit Yeah, well, someday I hope you get the chance.
Brooke (giggles) Me too.
Kermit Anyway, congratulations on being The Muppet Show's youngest ever guest star.
Brooke Well, actually, I've aged a lot in the last half hour.
Kermit Me too. Well, that's about all the time we have —
Fozzie Hold it! Hold it! Wait! We never did the Tin Woodsman scene!
Kermit Fozzie! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
In the balcony, Statler and Waldorf are still dressed as Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
Statler What's that noise?
Waldorf I think that's Lewis Carroll turning over in his grave!
They chuckle.