The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 506: Brooke Shields.
Cold open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Brooke Shields! Yaaaay! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Gonzo gets the hiccups when he tries to play his trumpet. | |
Gonzo | Uh, excuse me. |
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And we're going to have a very special show for you tonight. Our guest star is one of the brightest new talents in the film world, Miss Brooke Shields. (audience oohs) Yes. And with Brooke, we're going to tell you the story of Alice in Wonderland. |
The White Rabbit hops behind him. | |
Kermit | You all know Alice in Wonderland. It's all crammed with lovable characters and— and cute, fluffy little bunny rabbits. |
The White Rabbit grabs him by the neck. | |
White Rabbit | Look — either you tell me where the rabbit hole is, or I tear your head off. |
Kermit | (stammers) Just back behind the curtains. |
White Rabbit | Thanks. (exits) |
Kermit | Uh, a-a-and also cruel, heartless, violent little bunny rabbits. Uh, anyhow, something for everyone in Alice in Wonderland. |
The curtain opens on Alice (Brooke) in a forest, reading a book. The White Rabbit looks around for something. | |
Brooke | Hi, I'm Alice. Who are you? |
White Rabbit | Oh, no time for that. I'm looking for a hole. |
Brooke | Looking for a hole? A whole what? |
White Rabbit | I hate smart Alices. — Oh, look, there it is. Whee! (jumps) |
Brooke | (stands up) Wait! Wait, you got the line wrong! You were supposed to say "I'm late, I'm late, for a very—" (shrieks) |
She falls down the rabbit hole. Thus begins the opening number: she passes Scooter, the Cheshire Cat, and a group of other Muppets as they sing. | |
Muppets | What a fantastical, feathery feeling! |
Brooke | I'm faaaaaaaaalling… |
Muppets | Slowly revolving and spinning and reeling! |
Brooke | I'm faaaaaaaaalling… |
Scooter |
Curious creatures with curious features appear and fade! |
Jar | Hi, there. Hehehehe! We're having a jam session. Wanna sit in? |
Link Hogthrob |
Hey there, Miss Alice, if you're near the palace, |
Brooke | I'm quite good at dropping, I've been practicing a long time now. |
Fish |
If you're really racin' that rabbit you're chasin', |
Brooke | I don't think a person can hop and drop at the same time. |
Flamingo | Talking flamingos, that cool Cheshire cat. |
Dr. Teeth | Yeah! |
Flamingo, Bird | Up where you fell from, there's nothing like that! |
Muppets | You're in for adventure as soon as you finish your falling! |
Brooke | That's the part I'm worried about. I seem to have mastered falling, but how good am I at landing? |
Dr. Teeth |
There's a footman with a face like a fish's, |
Humpty Dumpty | Caterpillar on a mushroom who's smoking a hookah! |
Muppets | Hookah! Hookah! Look at the hookah! |
Brooke | That's very bad for your health, you know. |
Scooter | A teapot that has a mouse in it. |
Muppets | Things get madder and madder... by the minute! |
Brooke | "Curiouser and curiouser" is the expression, I believe. |
Muppets | Wait till the scene where the crazy old queen wants your head off! |
Brooke | Why worry about her? With any luck, I won't survive the fall. |
Muppets | Feels like you're bound to a merry-go-round you can't get off! |
Scooter | Don't be surprised if you meet Captain Hook. |
Dr. Teeth | 'Cause our version won't always follow the book! |
Muppets | Get set for adventure as soon as you finish your falling! |
Alice finally lands on the floor and curtsies. Applause. She notices the White Rabbit. | |
White Rabbit | Oh dear! Oh dear! I'm late! |
Brooke | (gasp) It's the White Rabbit! |
White Rabbit | Aah! (hops through a hole in the wall) |
Brooke | Wait! … But I can't get through there! |
White Rabbit | It's easy! Just have some dessert! |
She notices a piece of cake on the stool and takes a bite. Chimes are heard. | |
Brooke | He's right! It is easy! In fact, it's a piece of cake. |
She shrinks, and goes for the door. | |
Waldorf | Ah, a great little actress. |
Statler | Yep, and getting smaller all the time. |
They chuckle. |