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Kermit rushes in.
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Kermit
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(stammers) Uh, ladies and gentlemen, they say the show must go on, but they never say why! Well, right now, the show must not go on! Because I quit! I give up! Our guest star's a pirate, the theater's sailing out to sea and I'm losing my mind!
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Glenda
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(entering) Kermit, you can't stop the show now, not before the grand finale.
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Kermit
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(stammers) What grand finale?!
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Glenda
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The musical battle at sea!
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Kermit
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No, no, no, no! There will be no musical battle at sea!
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Glenda
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Too late, Kermit. Look!
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The curtains open on the ship. A cannon ball strikes the deck, causing a small explosion. Everyone recoils.
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Glenda
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Fire number one cannon!
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A pirate follows orders and fires the cannon at the unseen enemy vessel.
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Glenda
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And that was only a warning shot! All hands on deck for the musical battle at sea!
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The crew assembles as the music begins. Stray cannon balls fly by and explode as they sing.
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Glenda and Pirates
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Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main
For many a stormy wind shall blow
Til Jack comes home again!
Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main
For many a stormy wind shall blow
Til Jack comes home again!
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A cannon strikes the edge of the ship, right by Eric.
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Eric
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Home again, home again! (retreats)
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Glenda
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Fire number one cannon! Fire number two cannon!
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Piggy
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(entering) What's going on here, Jackson?! Alright, that does it! Stop doing these terrible things to my frog's theater!
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Glenda
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Okay, just for a change, I'll do something terrible to your frog's pig!
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Piggy
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What?!
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Glenda
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Come with me!
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Glenda and some pirates grab hold of Piggy, while others continue to blast their cannons.
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Piggy
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(simultaneously) Hold it! Let go of me! Kermit! Kermit!
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Glenda
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(simultaneously) Help me here! Tie her up! Tie her to the mast! Make her walk the plank! Tie her up!
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A pirate Troll ties Piggy to a barrel.
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Piggy
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Wait a minute! Help, help!
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Frackle (JH)
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Captain, we be out of ammunition!
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Glenda
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Drat and bedraggled, what are we gonna use?!
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Frackle (JH)
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Uh...
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Salvation appears in the form of the Flying Zucchini Brothers!
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Zucchini Brother
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Hey! Why don't you use-a us?! That's a-what a-we do best! Ey!
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Glenda
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The Flying Zucchinis, the Human Cannonballs! We're saved!
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Zucchinis
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(assorted cheering)
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Glenda
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Load 'im up!
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A pirate Troll climbs his way back to the deck, when he's knocked off by a flying chicken. Another Troll picks it up and shows it to Glenda.
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Glenda
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A chicken? That means that that ship is under the command of the scourge of the sea - Gonzo the Great!
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Glenda and the crew look toward the sea and witness Gonzo, dressed as a captain, sailing by on a small ship filled with chickens, who cluck along as Gonzo sings and fires his cannons.
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Gonzo
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Anchors away, my boy (BOOM!)
Sail through the foam ¡Arriba! (BOOM!)
Until we meet once more
Here's wishing you a happy voyage home (BOOM!)
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The pirates load one of the Zucchinis into the cannon and fire. Glenda then views Gonzo through her spyglass.
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Gonzo
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Ahoy, Muppet Theater! Stand by to be boarded! You know what to do, girls! Yeah-ho!
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Glenda is shocked as the chickens tie Gonzo with rope and toss him toward the Muppet Theater. His nose hooks on to the side, making contact between ships.
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Gonzo
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We've boarded!
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Glenda
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You villain! A living grappling hook! C'mon, me hearties!
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A Troll begins tossing cannonballs to Sweetums, who bats them away like baseballs toward Gonzo's ship. Both sides begin to sing.
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Glenda and Pirates
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Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main
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Gonzo and Chickens
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Anchors away
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An explosion blows the Troll overboard.
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Glenda and Pirates
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Sailing, sailing
Over the bounding main
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Glenda lights what she believes is a keg of gunpowder, but instead ignites a panicked rat's tail.
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Gonzo and Chickens
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Anchors away...ahhh!
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Gonzo swings across the deck and crashes into the main pole. Glenda throws the keg overboard, where it explodes.
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Glenda and Pirates
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Sailing, sailing
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Gonzo and Chickens
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Anchors away
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Glenda and Pirates
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Sailing, sailing
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Gonzo and Chickens
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Ya-ho! Anchors away
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Glenda grabs her sword from a Troll, knocking him overboard again. Kermit climbs on board, with a scarf around his neck and sword in his mouth. He and Glenda begin to sword fight.
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Kermit
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Watch this, folks!
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Gonzo
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Get 'er, Kermit!
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Kermit
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I will, I will!
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Gonzo
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C'mon!
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As Kermit and Glenda duel, Gonzo's chickens battle the other pirates. Sweetums rolls a cannon ball like a bowling ball, taking out a few. Glenda goes in for one last stab, but Kermit blocks her and forces the sword from her hand, sending the Troll overboard yet again.
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Kermit
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Ah ha! Ha ha! We won, we won, we won! Victory is ours! Right, tie her up, Sweetums! There's only one thing left to say...
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Gonzo
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What?
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As Kermit and the gang begin their musical finale, the rats set Piggy free and Sweetums ties Glenda to the post.
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Piggy
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(over the lyrics) Hurry! Ah!
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Kermit and Company
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We love to roam out yonder
Out where the Buff'lo wander (assorted hooping and hollering)
Free as the Eagle flying
I'm a-roping and a-tying
I'm a-roping and a-tying (assorted hooping and hollering)
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Glenda
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Give me my ranch and my saddle
Far from the great city's rattle
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Kermit and Company
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Give me a big herd to battle
For I just love herding cattle
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All
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Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum!
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The Muppets all celebrate their victory as Glenda sneers and jeers at them.
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