Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a fantastic show tonight, because with us is one of the great stars of rock music, Miss Debbie Harry of Blondie! (applause) Yes! And now — Robin, what are you doing out here?
Robin
Well — my Frog Scout troop was hoping one day you'd let 'em come visit backstage at The Muppet Show.
Kermit
Okay, I suppose that could be arranged.
Robin
Come on! It's okay!
The excited Frog Scouts flock Kermit.
Kermit
You said ONE day!
Robin
Yeah, but today's the day! Debbie Harry's here! Yaaayy!
The Frog Scouts cheer.
Kermit
Okay, okay, okay, but before we get to see Debbie, here is our opening number!
Robin
Oh, great! Wonderful.
The Frog Scouts sit down in the middle of the stage. Kermit shoos them off.
Kermit
Guys, will you get out of here? Out, out, get out! Opening number!
Open on an outdoor setting with a church in the background.
Wayne
What a beautiful day, For a wedding in May. See the people all stare At the lovable pair. She's a vision of joy. He's the luckiest boy. In his wedding array, Hear him smilingly say …
Mulch
The bells are ringing for me and Gargoyles. The birds are singing for me and Gargoyle.
Gargoyle
Ev'rybody's been knowing to a wedding they're going. And for weeks they've been stowing days of labor and toil.
Both
They're congregating …
Mulch
… for me and Gargoyle.
Both
The parson's waiting …
Mulch
… for me and Gargoyle.
Gargoyle
(giggles) And sometime we're gonna build a little home for two …
Gargoyle heads
… or three or four or more,
All
In love land, for me and Gargoyle.
Mulch
Oh, Gargoyle.
Mulch swings as he rings the bell.
Gargoyle
(giggles) And sometime we're gonna build a little home for two or three or four or more,
All
In love land, for me and Gargoyle.
The Frog Scouts gather around them to take pictures. Applause.
Scout (DG)
Hey! Oh, look — get this … smile! That's it! Okay, smile, say cheese!
Gargoyle
(swats) Get out.
Waldorf
Oh, incredible. What kind of creature would marry a Gargoyle?
Statler
A Gar-boy?
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Mulch and the Frog Scouts pass by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay, that was a nice number. Nice number, Mulch.
Mulch
Oh, hey. Hey, can't you do something about these kids? They nearly ruined that number.
Kermit
Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, Mulch, but you know kids — they're all the same.
Mulch
Not mine. Mine are different.
Kermit
(nods) Mm. I suppose they are.
Mulch
They're at the museum today.
Kermit
Mm-hm. Nice. Visiting the museum?
Mulch
Not visiting. On exhibit.
Gargoyle
They're weird, but worth seeing.
Kermit
Uh, Frog Scouts — uh, Robin?
Robin
Yes, Uncle Kermit?
Kermit
Uh, did you guys come with an adult?
Robin
Oh, sure. Mrs. Appleby!
Mrs. Appleby
Yes?
Kermit
Uh, Mrs. Appleby, the scouts here are getting a little bit out of hand. Maybe you should talk to them?
Mrs. Appleby
Oh, of course. They're just kind of excited about seeing Debbie Harry.
Kermit
Mm. Well, I don't blame them, but I do worry about them getting hurt. There's some dangerous areas around here.
Mrs. Appleby
Oh, don't worry about that. I'll just give 'em a little safety talk.
Kermit
Mm-hm.
Mrs. Appleby
Boys! Boys, come here. Is everybody here?
They gather around her.
Mrs. Appleby
Um, I don't see Norman.
Scout (DG)
Oh, I saw him going upstairs.
Mrs. Appleby
Huh?
Norman is thrown over the railing from within Animal's dressing room. Animal emerges, laughs, then goes back inside.
Kermit
That was one of the dangerous areas I was talking about. (goes onstage)
Mrs. Appleby
Norman?
Frog Scouts
Norman? Norman? Wake up.
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here is a Muppet newsflash. Famous French clothing designer, David Lazeur, was arrested today under the poultry laws for designing clothes that can suddenly turn into chickens.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's guest star time —
The Frog Scouts surround him, cheering.
Kermit
Will you guys get — get off the stage! Get off the stage! Clear the aisles, because here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the queen of rock n' roll, DEBBIE HARRY! YAAAAYY!
Open on a gritty alley setup with a Muppet rock band. Debbie emerges.
Debbie
Hey - this ain't my normal band. … Well, what's normal about a band, anyway?
Debbie sings "One Way or Another" as she is pursued by Mulch. Other Muppets that she encounters include the Frog Scouts, sharks, demons, a tiger, Timmy Monster, a borogove and a woman showering. Mulch finally breaks through the door and she catches him. Applause. She gives him a kiss.
Statler
Who was she supposed to be looking for, anyway?
Waldorf
The guy who booked her on this crummy show!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Debbie and the band pass by Kermit.
Kermit
Okay! Great number! Great number, guys. Hey Debbie? Debbie, I'm awfully sorry about Mulch there.
Debbie
Oh, that's okay, Kermit, I like fans, any size, shape or species. (embraces him)
Kermit
Uh, Mulch, what were you doing in that number anyhow? You were in the opening.
Mulch
Just wanted Debbie's autograph. Heh heh.
Kermit
Uh, did you give it to him?
Debbie
Of course. I'm gonna turn him down?
Mulch
Thanks, Debbie. (walks away)
Debbie
Yeah. It's okay. Heh. Actually, I felt a little sorry for him. Uh, he said it was for his kids. They don't get out much. (goes upstairs)
Kermit
(nods) I bet they don't. And speaking of kids, whatever happened to the Frog Scouts?
Gaffer
Meow.
Dressing room[]
The Frog Scouts, dressed as punk rockers, play guitar and chatter.
Frog Scouts
(random) Yeah, the business ain't the same without Johnny …
Debbie enters.
Debbie
SQUAD, HUT!
The Scouts stand at attention.
Debbie
Okay, kids, take it easy.
The Scouts relax and start praising Debbie.
Frog Scouts
(random) Aw, that number was dynamite! Incredible! Beautiful.
Debbie
Hey, wha-what are you guys doing in here anyway?
Scout (DG)
Oh, we're working on our punk merit badges.
Debbie
(glances at camera) Punk merit badges?
Robin
Yeah. Well — could you give us some tips? We're only tenderflippers.
Debbie
Well, you could learn to dance the pogo.
Robin
The pogo? Would that get us our punk merit badges?
Debbie
It'll get you tender flippers. (giggles)
Scout (DG)
Hey, a kidder? Huh?
Robin
Hey guys —
The Scouts launch into a guitar solo and jump. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Hey, what's all the noise in here?
Robin
Oh, sorry, Uncle Kermit. We just wanted to tell Debbie that we think she's real PUNK!
Kermit
Robin, you're insulting our guest star.
Debbie
Oh, no he isn't.
Kermit
Uh — well listen, does Mrs. Appleby know you guys are in here?
Mrs. Appleby
WAH-HOO! Forget Mrs. Appleby! Meet the safety pin QUEEN!
They all whoop, holler, jump and play guitar. Kermit is befuddled.
Kermit
Gee. Things have really changed a lot since I was in the Frog Scouts.
Hey — what's this I hear about your wanting to do a rainbow song?
Debbie
Oh, yeah — I just dig songs about rainbows.
Kermit
Oh, good.
Debbie
I sent you a list.
Kermit
Uh, yeah, I got the list. Uh, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and … "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows" …
Debbie
Well, yeah. Which one should I do?
Kermit
Well — well, well, you left out one rainbow song.
Debbie
(gasp) … I did?
Kermit
Yeah. My rainbow song.
Debbie
Oh, that one. (he nods) Well, I thought you might be tired of that.
Kermit
Well, uh, no, I — I — actually, no, I'm not — not tired of it at all.
Debbie
Well, let's do it then.
Kermit
Oh, good! I thought you'd never ask. It goes like this.
He plays the opening riff.
Kermit
Remember?
Debbie
Yeah.
They sing "The Rainbow Connection". The Frog Scouts join them towards the end. A rainbow appears above them.
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! You may remember, when we last left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was caught in a meteor storm. If you don't remember, that's okay, I've just reminded you.
Link and Strangepork try to steer the ship as it rattles.
Miss Piggy
Oh! Captain Link! Whatever shall we do?
Link Hogthrob
Don't worry, First Mate Piggy, no meteor can penetrate the hull of this ship! It's made of super-strength porkium alloy!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Ja, that's right. Absolutely no chance of any damage.
A hole is immediately punctured in the hull, and the ship starts losing air. Piggy screams.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Of course, I'm usually wrong about these things!
Link Hogthrob
Help! There's a hole in the hull! There's a hole in the hull!
Miss Piggy
Help! … We've got to plug the hole before all the air is sucked out of the ship!
Link Hogthrob
Yes, but what can we plug it with?
Miss Piggy
I don't know, knuckle-brain! You just plug the hole!
Link Hogthrob
Okay!
He drags Piggy towards the hole and plugs it with her head.
Miss Piggy
Hey — what's going on?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
There! There, now we've plugged the hole. Are you happy?
Miss Piggy
(muffled) No I'm not! Get me outta here!
Link Hogthrob
Lucky it was a snout-sized hole, or we'd be in big trouble. (laughs)
Miss Piggy
If you don't get me out of here, you'll be in even bigger trouble!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Quick, Link! Get the pepper!
Miss Piggy
Get the pepper?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Yeah, don't worry. With this pepper, we'll have you out of there in no time!
Link fetches a pepper shaker and sprinkles it on Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Hold it — hold it —
Link Hogthrob
Sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle.
She sneezes her way out of the hole.
Link Hogthrob
Oh! Oh, help! I'm being sucked into the hole!
He plugs it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Oh, good work, Captain! You've saved the ship!
Miss Piggy
Yay!
Announcer
Tune in again next time for Pigs in Space, when we'll hear Captain Link say …
Link Hogthrob
Oh — but what about my head?
Miss Piggy
Don't worry, it's not a vital organ.
The closing music plays.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Okay. Pigs in Space, very exciting.
Miss Piggy
That was a mess, Kermie.
Kermit
Well, I-I'm sorry about that, Piggy.
The Frog Scouts get in her way.
Miss Piggy
(shoving) Would you get a job?
Link Hogthrob
(moans)
Mrs. Appleby
Oh, that poor thing! What happened to him?
Kermit
Uh, well, it's a long story. Actually, it's a short story — he did something dumb.
Mrs. Appleby
Well, we can't let him suffer like that. Scouts! Give that pig first aid!
They all gang up on Link and cover him in bandages.
Link Hogthrob
Am I better?
Kermit
Gee, they're very fast.
Mrs. Appleby
Oh, yes, yes, and with great precision, too. Why, you should have them do their close-order drill on the show.
Kermit
Well, they're amateurs, and we only book professionals.
Mrs. Appleby
Oh.
WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo
Kermit, it's disaster time. You're gonna have to cancel my wrestling match with Quongo, the wild mountain gorilla.
Kermit
But why?
Gonzo
He just called from his limo. It's stuck in traffic. Sorry! (whooshes away)
Mrs. Appleby
That was a professional?
Kermit
Y—yeah. Uh, listen, maybe we can overlook our rule against amateurs tonight. How soon can your scouts be ready?
Mrs. Appleby
Ten-hut!
They stand at attention.
Kermit
You're next. (goes onstage)
Mrs. Appleby
Scouts — are you ready for the big time?
Frog Scouts
Yes, Miss Appleby!
Mrs. Appleby
Swell! But first we gotta do this crummy show.
Frog Scouts
(laugh)
Frog Scout drills[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to announce that, due to circumstances beyond our control, The Great Gonzo will be unable to wrestle a fierce mountain gorilla as advertised.
Audience: "Awwww."
Kermit
But, it is an ill wind that has no silver lining, so in his place, we proudly present the precision drill team from the Okefenokee Pack 12 of the Frog Scouts of America! YAAAYY!
The Frog Scouts do their march as their drill sergeant calls.
Drill scout
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Sound off!
Frog Scouts
Sound off!
Drill scout
One two!
Frog Scouts
One two!
Drill scout
One two three four!
Frog Scouts
One two! Three four!
Drill scout
Go left! Go left! Go left, right, left!
Frog Scouts
We left the swamp for solid ground! Drop and step and march around!
Quongo enters, and the Scouts trample over him.
Quongo
Gonzo! Gonzo? Hey, have you seen Gonzo? I was supposed to wrest— hey boys? Hey! Hey boys!
Frog Scouts
We practice in the muddy muck And never get our flippers stuck!
Drill scout
Sound off!
Frog Scouts
One two!
Drill scout
Sound off!
Frog Scouts
One two!
Quongo
Hey, cut it … cut it out, will ya, guys? I'm looking for Gonzo! You see, I was — hey! Hey, I'm gettin' mad!
Frog Scouts
One two three four one two! Three four!
Quongo
I'm gettin' outta here!
Applause. Quongo runs into Gonzo in the wings.
Quongo
Where was ya?
Gonzo
What's the diff? You was gonna take a dive anyway.
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare. The Frog Scouts join him.
Kermit
Okay! Well, here we are at the finale, and I bet you know what that means!
Frog Scouts
Debbie Harry!
Kermit
That's right, Debbie Harry!
Kermit & Scouts
YAAAYYY!
Debbie performs "Call Me" with the Muppet punk band.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, I guess we've just about done it all, even those parts that we shouldn't have. But the best of it was certainly our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Debbie Harry! YAAAYYY! Yeah! Yeah!
Applause. Debbie emerges dressed as a scout.
Debbie
Thank you, Kermit. Thank you, Kermit. Isn't it terrific? They made me an honorary Frog Scout.
The Frog Scouts come out and cheer.
Debbie
By the way, Kermit, I think it was very nice of you to let the Frog Scouts perform on the show.
Kermit
Uh …
Mrs. Appleby
Mr. Frog, my boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.
Kermit
(stammers) But you can't do that to me!
Mrs. Appleby
Hm?
Debbie
Oh, yes she can, Kermit. She's got her merit badge in deal negotiation.
Kermit
Uh — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The chatter continues as the credits roll.
Robin
Can we stay here while we work on our next merit badge?
Statler
Merit badge in what?
Robin
Grumpiness.
The Frog Scouts laugh while Statler and Waldorf scowl.