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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 511: Paul Simon.

Cold open

Open on Pops tinkering with a screwdriver. Paul enters with a guitar.
Pops Aw, who are you?
Paul Paul Simon. I'm the guest on the show tonight.
Pops Oh, Paul Simon. Great. Yeah, great. (continues tinkering)
Paul What you working on there?
511 cold open.jpg
Pops Oh, it's a lever. Supposed to work the trap door, but it's busted.
Paul It's busted, huh? (pulls it) Seems alright to me.
Pops falls down through the trap door. Paul addresses the camera.
Paul I love it. But of course, I know fifty ways to love your lever. (exhales)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Paul Simon! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
511 trumpet.jpg
Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a duck. A duck shows up to kiss Gonzo.
Duck Kissy-kissy! (laughs)

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of America's great composers, Mr. Paul Simon! (audience aahs) Yes. So sit back and enjoy yourselves, as we proudly present an entire evening devoted to the music of Paul Simon.
The curtain opens on a Renaissance setting with several pigs and whatnots selling wares. A jester struts by on stilts. Scooter plays the flute. A pig pulls a cow on a string.
Pig (JH) C'mon, you … c'mon …
Fozzie Pies. (approaches a chicken) Pies? (the chicken clucks)
Some pigs dance around a maypole.
Pig (JN) Hot mead, cold cider.
511 paul scooter.jpg
Angle on Paul, who strums a lute and sings "Scarborough Fair". Miss Piggy's sole part is "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme", which sounds sweet at first but gradually grows more raucous. Paul approaches a gypsy lady.
Gypsy Show me your life line. (looks at his palm) Sing fast.
Paul and Piggy continue the song. Gonzo tries to steer a goat, but fails. A duck follows and quacks.
Fozzie O yea, o yea! O yea, o yea! Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pieman …
Paul Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
Fozzie To go where?
Paul Well, here.
He shoves a pie in Fozzie's face. The gypsy lady laughs, and the other Muppets join to finish the song.
Muppets Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Fozzie What is this? What happened?
511 scarborough fair.jpg
Miss Piggy Get your red-hot parsley, sage, rosemary and thy-me!
Link Hogthrob Hold it, hold it β€” this is the Sheriff of Nottingham here, and you're under arrest for playing a lute without a license. Come along! (drags Paul away)
Paul Rem β€” Remember me β€” to one who was there!
Muppets She once was a true love of his.
They all laugh. Applause. Paul comes back.
Statler Nice song.
Waldorf Yes. What did you think of the fair?
Statler I've seen better fares on the bus.
They chuckle.


The Muppets from the opening number make their way backstage.
Kermit Okay! Nice opening number!
Fozzie (wipes his face) Yeah. It was delicious.
511 stilts 1.jpg
Kermit Uh, guy on the stilts, mind your head on that β€”
The jester bumps his head and falls, barely touching Gonzo.
Kermit β€” on that floor.
Gonzo Oh, Kermit, that Paul Simon is fantastic!
Kermit Yeah.
Gonzo He's really the kind of performer I'd like to be.
Kermit Well, well, he β€” he comes from a different area of show business.
Gonzo He's so entertaining!
Kermit Exactly. (shakes head)
Gonzo Listen. From now on, I am going to be a songwriter.
Kermit You write songs?
Gonzo Yeah. You wanna hear one?
Kermit No!
Gonzo Hit it, boys! Haha!
An orchestral vamp builds up. Gonzo grabs a microphone and sings.
Kermit Who's playing that music?
Gonzo For you β€”
511 gonzo song 1.jpg
Kermit STOP! Stop! I don't want to hear anymore of that! (runs off)
Gonzo But β€” but … ehh. Pearls before frogs. (sigh)

"50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"

511 50 ways.jpg
Floyd and Janice sing "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" with Animal and Rizzo the Rat backing them up. Rowlf briefly comes onstage after the first verse.
Rowlf Hey, are you sure it isn't "Fifty Ways to Love your Lever"?
Floyd Positive.
Rowlf Oh. Sorry, Paul!
Rowlf exits. They finish the song.

Dressing room

511 long day 1.jpg
Pops Y'know, Paul, when I found our you were doing your music on this show, I told Kermit that we should do that song of yours, "It's Been a Long, Long Day".
Paul Oh, gee, Pops, that's nice of you to say. But you know, we didn't plan on doing that song. It's not on the schedule.
Pops Aww. Too bad. It's a beautiful song.
Paul Well, thanks. Of course, I never did care much for schedules.
Pops (chuckles)
511 long day 2.jpg
Paul sings "Long, Long Day". The other Muppets come in and listen.

UK spot - Veterinarian's Hospital / Muppet newsflash

Piggy wiggles a doll likeness of herself as the announcer narrates. Noticing she's on camera, she takes her position.
511 vets hospital 1.jpg
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy Uh, uh, Dr. Bob, oh, you don't look well. Are you alright?
Rowlf I'm still in shock from what happened to my last patient.
Miss Piggy But you cured him.
Rowlf You don't think that was a shock?
They all laugh and grimace.
Janice Well, here's the next one.
Rowlf Shock or patient?
Janice Both.
They uncover Gonzo on the operating table and react in shock.
511 vets hospital 2.jpg
Gonzo There's nothing wrong with me. I just came here for laughs.
Rowlf (laughs)
Janice Wowww…
Miss Piggy Boy, are you in the wrong place. Hoo hoo hoo.
Rowlf (laughs)
Janice Fer sure.
Gonzo As long as I'm here, I want to donate my body to science.
Rowlf With your body, you should donate it to science fiction! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?
Gonzo Who cares? I believe in reincarnation.
Rowlf (with Piggy) Oohh.
Miss Piggy Uh, what are you coming back as next time?
Gonzo How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.
Janice Oh, rully.
The scrubs laugh. They all look up when the announcer speaks.
Announcer And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf (to Gonzo) That's our announcer.
Gonzo Hmm.
Announcer Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?
Rowlf Yes, I'm going to remove one of the patient's vital organs a great many times, whilst mentioning a Paul Simon song.
Gonzo Terrific! What's it called?
Rowlf "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Liver"!
They all burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Statler sits alone in the theater box.
Statler Brr! It's freezing in here! Hey Waldorf! When you come back, bring me my coat!
Waldorf What?
Statler Bring me my coat!
Waldorf (grunts) C'mon, c'mon. (leads a goat into the box)
511 s and w goat.jpg
Statler Your hearing aid's busted again.
Waldorf What?
Statler shrugs. Fade to the newsroom.
Newsman Here is a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Police today announced a total amnesty on all overdue library books. Library fines will be forgiven on all overdue books returned to this station within the next three seconds. β€” Three seconds? That must be a misprint!
511 news.jpg
A stack of books falls on him.

Dressing room

Paul strums his guitar. Gonzo enters with a WHOOSH!
Gonzo Am I interrupting anything?
Paul Hey, Gonzo. Come on in.
Gonzo Thank you. (relaxes himself)
Paul Can I tell you something?
Gonzo Sure.
Paul You are my favorite Muppet.
Gonzo Wow. Thank you, Paul. Uh, is it okay if I call you Paul?
Paul Oh, yeah, sure.
Gonzo And you can call me "Gonzo the Great".
Paul Okay.
Gonzo Well. That's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
Paul Which one of your songs?
511 for you.jpg
Gonzo You don't think I'm musically educated?
Paul Oh, I think you're musically educated. It's just that I β€”
Gonzo Good. Hand me that clarinet. (points to Paul's guitar)
Paul Gonzo, y'know, this "clarinet" is β€” is my very favorite "clarinet" and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
Gonzo But I'll β€” but I'll guard it with my life!
Paul (sigh) I feared you'd say that.
Gonzo Okay, I'll tell you what. You play and I'll sing. Hit it.
Paul begins playing.
Gonzo Good.

For you … I'd wash my hair with stinky glue,
I'd fry my legs and eat them too,
I'd put a spider in my shoe -- for yoouuuu!
That's just the first verse. You want to hear the other twenty-eight?

Paul I'm still thinking about that first verse.
Gonzo Yeah, what about it? Tell me. I'm willing to listen.
Paul Well, you know the part about the stinky glue?
Gonzo Fantastico! Ah-ha-ha!
Paul I wouldn't have written it that way. (Gonzo nods) And then β€” then also that part about, "I'd fry my legs and eat them too" …
Gonzo Uh, you don't like the leg-frying motif?
Paul I think I'm sick.
Gonzo Well … if you're gonna get picky about minor technicalities …
Paul I dunno, it's just my opinion.
Gonzo Oh yeah? And do they call you "Simon the Great"?
Paul No.
Gonzo Yeah. I stayed up all night writing the leg-frying motif.
Paul I'll tell you what. Uh β€” I promise you, I'll never play this, um, instrument again, unless I'm playing one of your songs.
Gonzo Wow! You really mean that?
Paul Absolutely. A promise is a promise.
He smashes the guitar on the table.
511 Paul Simon guitar smash.png


Kermit (through the intercom) Okay. Uh, next on stage, Gonzo the Great.
WHOOSH! Gonzo enters.
Gonzo Check! Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!
Kermit Uh, Gonzo, you're not gonna sing, are you?
Gonzo Never mind. Just introduce me.
Kermit Well, why don't you do that act you rehearsed?
511 backstage.jpg
Gonzo What? Perform an underwater heart transplant operation on myself??
Kermit (nods) Sure. Why not?
Gonzo I dunno. Last time I did it, I died.
The jester, still on stilts, walks on the balcony as a pig follows.
Kermit Listen, Gonzo, I'm telling you flatly, you can't sing.
Gonzo Oh, I can sing flatly.
Kermit (grimaces) Not on this show! The only songs we're doing here are Paul Simon's songs!
Gonzo Well, fine! I'll do a Paul Simon song.
Kermit Really?
Gonzo Yeah.
Kermit Okay, I'll introduce you.
Gonzo Good. (Kermit runs onstage) Or sort of a Paul Simon song.
511 stilts 2.jpg
The jester falls off the balcony, then gets up.
Gonzo Wow! Nice work, kid!
He slaps the stilts, knocking over the jester again.

"El Condor Pasa"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay! Well, we've done a lot for the music lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music haters β€” so here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo, singing a song. Yaaay. Uh β€” those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.
Open on a mountain setting. Gonzo sits in a hay field amongst chickens and a goat, strums a guitar and sings to the tune of "El Condor Pasa".
511 gonzo song 2.jpg

I'd rather be a pancake than a sneeze,
In the trees, a life of ease.
I'd rather be an elbow than a drain,
In the rain. It's very plain.

Paul (from the wings) Hey Gonzo! You got the melody right, but I think those are the wrong words.
Gonzo You write 'em your way, I'll write 'em mine!
Gonzo continues singing while Paul and Beauregard watch.

I'd rather be a mushroom than a phone …
All alone … nowhere home …

Paul (to Beau) Y'know, if he's gonna do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back.
511 paul bo.jpg
Beauregard What're you gonna do?
Paul I'm gonna take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over!
The chickens flock him.
Gonzo Oh no! You can't do this to me! Camilla, this is treason!
A closing sting plays.
Waldorf You know what kind of party Paul's having?
Statler No.
Waldorf A hen party!
They chuckle and cluck.

Bobby Benson and his Baby Band

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite Paul Simon songs, "Baby Driver", as performed by Bobby Benson and the all-baby band, poses the musical question, "Is it a good idea to let a 12-month old baby drive on the freeway while playing the ukulele?" Uh β€” well, the answer is, no, it isn't, and I'm getting out of here.
511 baby driver.jpg
Bobby conducts the babies in a moving, motorized carriage. A dog chases the carriage as the babies sing.
Waldorf (shakes head) They should do something about those baby drivers.
Statler Yeah. Do you think they should be booked?
Waldorf No, burped!
They chuckle.


Bobby and the babies pass Kermit.
Kermit Okay. Good number, guys.
Bobby Benson I know, I know.
The jester walks around on stilts.
Lew Zealand Hey, catch!
511 stilts 3.jpg
Lew throws the jester a fish; the jester falls over. Gonzo wheels a nest with green eggs.
Kermit Oh, Gonzo, I-I-I heard about Paul Simon taking your chickens. I'm sorry about that.
Gonzo Oh, not to worry, Kermit! Chickens are much too fickle, so I'm developing a new obsession.
Kermit Really? What β€” what could possibly replace chickens in your life?
511 hold onto your collar.jpg
Gonzo Hold on to your collar …
Kermit Hmm?
Kermit (frowns) Asparagus?
Gonzo Yes. Your average asparagus is much more loyal than even the finest chicken.
Kermit Oh, okay, but uh, what are these eggs here for?
Gonzo These are asparagus eggs.
Kermit Gonzo, asparagus is a plant! It doesn't come from eggs!
Gonzo What?? I've been bamboozled! Daahhh! (runs off)
Kermit Poor Gonzo.
511 asparagus eggs.jpg
Baby asparagus spears hatch out of the green eggs, and start addressing Kermit as "daddy". Kermit runs off.

"Loves Me Like a Rock"

Main stage. Kermit enters, followed by the baby asparagus spears.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen … (shoos them away) … get off, get off, get off! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon!
511 love me like a rock.jpg
Paul sings "Loves Me Like a Rock", backed by Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem and the Female Singers.


Kermit Okay, you know, I hate long goodbyes, but for those of you who like them, gooooodbyyyyeeee! And before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon! YAAAYY!
Paul emerges to applause.
Paul Thank you very much. And thank you, Kermit. I had a wonderful time.
Kermit Oh, good.
The chickens flock around Paul.
Paul Ow β€” ouch.
Kermit I hate to say this, Paul, but you look a little hen-pecked.
Paul Oh, that's okay. I know how to take care of this.
Kermit Really? How?
511 closing.jpg
Paul Five chicken dinners to go!
The chickens scatter away.
Paul And a side order of asparagus.
The baby asparagus spears gather around Kermit β€” "da-da!".
Kermit Okay, that's all the time we have! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Statler (wakes Waldorf) Hey, you old fool! You slept through the show!
Waldorf Who's a fool? You watched it! (chuckles)