Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a duck. A duck shows up to kiss Gonzo.
Duck
Kissy-kissy! (laughs)
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we have a wonderful show for you tonight, because our guest star is one of America's great composers, Mr. Paul Simon! (audience aahs) Yes. So sit back and enjoy yourselves, as we proudly present an entire evening devoted to the music of Paul Simon.
The curtain opens on a Renaissance setting with several pigs and whatnots selling wares. A jester struts by on stilts. Scooter plays the flute. A pig pulls a cow on a string.
Pig (JH)
C'mon, you … c'mon …
Fozzie
Pies. (approaches a chicken) Pies? (the chicken clucks)
Some pigs dance around a maypole.
Pig (JN)
Hot mead, cold cider.
Angle on Paul, who strums a lute and sings "Scarborough Fair". Miss Piggy's sole part is "Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme", which sounds sweet at first but gradually grows more raucous. Paul approaches a gypsy lady.
Gypsy
Show me your life line. (looks at his palm) Sing fast.
Paul and Piggy continue the song. Gonzo tries to steer a goat, but fails. A duck follows and quacks.
Fozzie
O yea, o yea! O yea, o yea! Simple Simon met a pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the pieman …
Paul
Uh, let me have a custard pie to go.
Fozzie
To go where?
Paul
Well, here.
He shoves a pie in Fozzie's face. The gypsy lady laughs, and the other Muppets join to finish the song.
Muppets
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Fozzie
What is this? What happened?
Miss Piggy
Get your red-hot parsley, sage, rosemary and thy-me!
Link Hogthrob
Hold it, hold it — this is the Sheriff of Nottingham here, and you're under arrest for playing a lute without a license. Come along! (drags Paul away)
Paul
Rem — Remember me — to one who was there!
Muppets
She once was a true love of his.
They all laugh. Applause. Paul comes back.
Statler
Nice song.
Waldorf
Yes. What did you think of the fair?
Statler
I've seen better fares on the bus.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
The Muppets from the opening number make their way backstage.
Kermit
Okay! Nice opening number!
Fozzie
(wipes his face) Yeah. It was delicious.
Kermit
Uh, guy on the stilts, mind your head on that —
The jester bumps his head and falls, barely touching Gonzo.
Kermit
— on that floor.
Gonzo
Oh, Kermit, that Paul Simon is fantastic!
Kermit
Yeah.
Gonzo
He's really the kind of performer I'd like to be.
Kermit
Well, well, he — he comes from a different area of show business.
Gonzo
He's so entertaining!
Kermit
Exactly. (shakes head)
Gonzo
Listen. From now on, I am going to be a songwriter.
Kermit
You write songs?
Gonzo
Yeah. You wanna hear one?
Kermit
No!
Gonzo
Hit it, boys! Haha!
An orchestral vamp builds up. Gonzo grabs a microphone and sings.
Kermit
Who's playing that music?
Gonzo
For you —
Kermit
STOP! Stop! I don't want to hear anymore of that! (runs off)
Hey, are you sure it isn't "Fifty Ways to Love your Lever"?
Floyd
Positive.
Rowlf
Oh. Sorry, Paul!
Rowlf exits. They finish the song.
Dressing room[]
Pops
Y'know, Paul, when I found our you were doing your music on this show, I told Kermit that we should do that song of yours, "It's Been a Long, Long Day".
Paul
Oh, gee, Pops, that's nice of you to say. But you know, we didn't plan on doing that song. It's not on the schedule.
Pops
Aww. Too bad. It's a beautiful song.
Paul
Well, thanks. Of course, I never did care much for schedules.
Pops
(chuckles)
Paul sings "Long, Long Day". The other Muppets come in and listen.
UK spot - Veterinarian's Hospital / Muppet newsflash[]
Piggy wiggles a doll likeness of herself as the announcer narrates. Noticing she's on camera, she takes her position.
Announcer
Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy
Uh, uh, Dr. Bob, oh, you don't look well. Are you alright?
Rowlf
I'm still in shock from what happened to my last patient.
Miss Piggy
But you cured him.
Rowlf
You don't think that was a shock?
They all laugh and grimace.
Janice
Well, here's the next one.
Rowlf
Shock or patient?
Janice
Both.
They uncover Gonzo on the operating table and react in shock.
Gonzo
There's nothing wrong with me. I just came here for laughs.
Rowlf
(laughs)
Janice
Wowww…
Miss Piggy
Boy, are you in the wrong place. Hoo hoo hoo.
Rowlf
(laughs)
Janice
Fer sure.
Gonzo
As long as I'm here, I want to donate my body to science.
Rowlf
With your body, you should donate it to science fiction! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice
To donate your body, don't you have to be dead?
Gonzo
Who cares? I believe in reincarnation.
Rowlf
(with Piggy) Oohh.
Miss Piggy
Uh, what are you coming back as next time?
Gonzo
How should I know? I don't even know what I am this time.
Janice
Oh, rully.
The scrubs laugh. They all look up when the announcer speaks.
Announcer
And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf
(to Gonzo) That's our announcer.
Gonzo
Hmm.
Announcer
Tune in next week, when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say …
Miss Piggy
Dr. Bob, are you going to operate?
Rowlf
Yes, I'm going to remove one of the patient's vital organs a great many times, whilst mentioning a Paul Simon song.
Gonzo
Terrific! What's it called?
Rowlf
"Fifty Ways to Leave Your Liver"!
They all burst out laughing. Meanwhile, Statler sits alone in the theater box.
Statler
Brr! It's freezing in here! Hey Waldorf! When you come back, bring me my coat!
Waldorf
What?
Statler
Bring me my coat!
Waldorf
(grunts) C'mon, c'mon. (leads a goat into the box)
Statler
Your hearing aid's busted again.
Waldorf
What?
Statler shrugs. Fade to the newsroom.
Newsman
Here is a Muppet newsflash. (runs to the desk) Police today announced a total amnesty on all overdue library books. Library fines will be forgiven on all overdue books returned to this station within the next three seconds. — Three seconds? That must be a misprint!
A stack of books falls on him.
Dressing room[]
Paul strums his guitar. Gonzo enters with a WHOOSH!
Gonzo
Am I interrupting anything?
Paul
Hey, Gonzo. Come on in.
Gonzo
Thank you. (relaxes himself)
Paul
Can I tell you something?
Gonzo
Sure.
Paul
You are my favorite Muppet.
Gonzo
Wow. Thank you, Paul. Uh, is it okay if I call you Paul?
Paul
Oh, yeah, sure.
Gonzo
And you can call me "Gonzo the Great".
Paul
Okay.
Gonzo
Well. That's enough about me. Which one of my songs do you want to hear?
Paul
Which one of your songs?
Gonzo
You don't think I'm musically educated?
Paul
Oh, I think you're musically educated. It's just that I —
Gonzo
Good. Hand me that clarinet. (points to Paul's guitar)
Paul
Gonzo, y'know, this "clarinet" is — is my very favorite "clarinet" and I really prefer that no one else actually play it besides myself.
Gonzo
But I'll — but I'll guard it with my life!
Paul
(sigh) I feared you'd say that.
Gonzo
Okay, I'll tell you what. You play and I'll sing. Hit it.
Paul begins playing.
Gonzo
Good.
For you …I'd wash my hair with stinky glue, I'd fry my legs and eat them too, I'd put a spider in my shoe -- for yoouuuu!
That's just the first verse. You want to hear the other twenty-eight?
Paul
I'm still thinking about that first verse.
Gonzo
Yeah, what about it? Tell me. I'm willing to listen.
Paul
Well, you know the part about the stinky glue?
Gonzo
Fantastico! Ah-ha-ha!
Paul
I wouldn't have written it that way. (Gonzo nods) And then — then also that part about, "I'd fry my legs and eat them too" …
Gonzo
Uh, you don't like the leg-frying motif?
Paul
I think I'm sick.
Gonzo
Well … if you're gonna get picky about minor technicalities …
Paul
I dunno, it's just my opinion.
Gonzo
Oh yeah? And do they call you "Simon the Great"?
Paul
No.
Gonzo
Yeah. I stayed up all night writing the leg-frying motif.
Paul
I'll tell you what. Uh — I promise you, I'll never play this, um, instrument again, unless I'm playing one of your songs.
Gonzo
Wow! You really mean that?
Paul
Absolutely. A promise is a promise.
He smashes the guitar on the table.
Backstage[]
Kermit
(through the intercom) Okay. Uh, next on stage, Gonzo the Great.
WHOOSH! Gonzo enters.
Gonzo
Check! Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!
Kermit
Uh, Gonzo, you're not gonna sing, are you?
Gonzo
Never mind. Just introduce me.
Kermit
Well, why don't you do that act you rehearsed?
Gonzo
What? Perform an underwater heart transplant operation on myself??
Kermit
(nods) Sure. Why not?
Gonzo
I dunno. Last time I did it, I died.
The jester, still on stilts, walks on the balcony as a pig follows.
Kermit
Listen, Gonzo, I'm telling you flatly, you can't sing.
Gonzo
Oh, I can sing flatly.
Kermit
(grimaces) Not on this show! The only songs we're doing here are Paul Simon's songs!
Gonzo
Well, fine! I'll do a Paul Simon song.
Kermit
Really?
Gonzo
Yeah.
Kermit
Okay, I'll introduce you.
Gonzo
Good. (Kermit runs onstage) Or sort of a Paul Simon song.
The jester falls off the balcony, then gets up.
Gonzo
Wow! Nice work, kid!
He slaps the stilts, knocking over the jester again.
"El Condor Pasa"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Okay! Well, we've done a lot for the music lovers on the show, so it's time we did something for the music haters — so here he is, as threatened, the Great Gonzo, singing a song. Yaaay. Uh — those of you with hearing aids may wish to remove the batteries.
Open on a mountain setting. Gonzo sits in a hay field amongst chickens and a goat, strums a guitar and sings to the tune of "El Condor Pasa".
Gonzo
I'd rather be a pancake than a sneeze, In the trees, a life of ease. I'd rather be an elbow than a drain, In the rain. It's very plain.
Paul
(from the wings) Hey Gonzo! You got the melody right, but I think those are the wrong words.
Gonzo
You write 'em your way, I'll write 'em mine!
Gonzo continues singing while Paul and Beauregard watch.
Gonzo
I'd rather be a mushroom than a phone … All alone … nowhere home …
Paul
(to Beau) Y'know, if he's gonna do this to one of my tunes, I can fight back.
Beauregard
What're you gonna do?
Paul
I'm gonna take the chickens. Hey girls! There's a party over at my place! Come on over!
The chickens flock him.
Gonzo
Oh no! You can't do this to me! Camilla, this is treason!
A closing sting plays.
Waldorf
You know what kind of party Paul's having?
Statler
No.
Waldorf
A hen party!
They chuckle and cluck.
Bobby Benson and his Baby Band[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, one of my favorite Paul Simon songs, "Baby Driver", as performed by Bobby Benson and the all-baby band, poses the musical question, "Is it a good idea to let a 12-month old baby drive on the freeway while playing the ukulele?" Uh — well, the answer is, no, it isn't, and I'm getting out of here.
Bobby conducts the babies in a moving, motorized carriage. A dog chases the carriage as the babies sing.
Waldorf
(shakes head) They should do something about those baby drivers.
Statler
Yeah. Do you think they should be booked?
Waldorf
No, burped!
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Bobby and the babies pass Kermit.
Kermit
Okay. Good number, guys.
Bobby Benson
I know, I know.
The jester walks around on stilts.
Lew Zealand
Hey, catch!
Lew throws the jester a fish; the jester falls over. Gonzo wheels a nest with green eggs.
Kermit
Oh, Gonzo, I-I-I heard about Paul Simon taking your chickens. I'm sorry about that.
Gonzo
Oh, not to worry, Kermit! Chickens are much too fickle, so I'm developing a new obsession.
Kermit
Really? What — what could possibly replace chickens in your life?
Gonzo
Hold on to your collar …
Kermit
Hmm?
Gonzo
… ASPARAGUS!
Kermit
(frowns) Asparagus?
Gonzo
Yes. Your average asparagus is much more loyal than even the finest chicken.
Kermit
Oh, okay, but uh, what are these eggs here for?
Gonzo
These are asparagus eggs.
Kermit
Gonzo, asparagus is a plant! It doesn't come from eggs!
Gonzo
What?? I've been bamboozled! Daahhh! (runs off)
Kermit
Poor Gonzo.
Baby asparagus spears hatch out of the green eggs, and start addressing Kermit as "daddy". Kermit runs off.
"Loves Me Like a Rock"[]
Main stage. Kermit enters, followed by the baby asparagus spears.
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen … (shoos them away) … get off, get off, get off! And now, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon!
Okay, you know, I hate long goodbyes, but for those of you who like them, gooooodbyyyyeeee! And before we go, let us bring back our fantastic guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Paul Simon! YAAAYY!
Paul emerges to applause.
Paul
Thank you very much. And thank you, Kermit. I had a wonderful time.
Kermit
Oh, good.
The chickens flock around Paul.
Paul
Ow — ouch.
Kermit
I hate to say this, Paul, but you look a little hen-pecked.
Paul
Oh, that's okay. I know how to take care of this.
Kermit
Really? How?
Paul
Five chicken dinners to go!
The chickens scatter away.
Paul
And a side order of asparagus.
The baby asparagus spears gather around Kermit — "da-da!".
Kermit
Okay, that's all the time we have! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather onstage as the credits roll.
Statler
(wakes Waldorf) Hey, you old fool! You slept through the show!