Episode 512: Melissa Manchester/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 512: Melissa Manchester.

Cold open

	Pops chuckles while playing a card game with himself. Melissa enters.
Pops	Who are you?
Melissa	Uh, I'm Melissa Manchester. Maybe you can help me. My agent booked me onto this weird thing called, uh, The Muppet Show. Am I in the right place?
	Mayhem ensues: Animal drags Floyd by the chain, a two-headed Whatnot passes by warming up its vocal chords, and Crazy Harry sets off an explosion.
Melissa	(to viewer) Check! I'm in the right place. (grins)

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Melissa Manchester! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	Gonzo starts to blow his trumpet, but Kermit cuts in with his own trumpet, blowing Gonzo out of the "O".

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, and welcome once again to The Muppet Show. And tonight our very special guest star is the great singer and songwriter Melissa Manchester. (audience oohs) Yes. But first, through the miracle of costly special effects … we whisk you away to the high Alps. So, please welcome the Vienna Downhill Boys Choir, with their Alpine anthem "Tumbling Tumbleweeds"! Yaay!
	With the help of some special effects, the Vienna Downhill Boys Choir performs "Tumblin' Tumbleweeds" as they ski down the Alps, with many a wipe-out along the way.
Waldorf	Aw, we should have wished them luck.
Statler	Well, it's too late now.
Waldorf	It's never too late.
	They look at each other in unison, then shout …
Statler & Waldorf	Break a leg! Break a leg!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	The injured skiers are wheeled offstage by "Dr. Bob".
Kermit	Oh boy, it's a disaster.
Skier	Doctor, will I ever be able to ski again?
Rowlf	Uh, what do you mean again? (chuckles)
Kermit	Listen, you should have taken lessons.
Skier	Well, I did. I took lessons from the famous Klaus Noodleman.
Kermit	You did?
Skier	Yeah. Hey, Klaus.
	Behind him, Klaus has a wheelchair and cast of his own.
Klaus	Oh, hi Charlie. How'd it go?
Skier	What do you think?
Klaus	Did you do everything I told ya?
Skier	Everything.
Klaus	Figures.
Kermit	Uh, listen Scooter, if I come up with any more dumb ideas like that, stop me.
Scooter	Right. Uh, shall I cancel the blindfolded yodeling hang glider?
Kermit	Of course not. I said "dumb ideas".
	He walks on-stage, leaving Scooter dumbfounded.

"Don't Cry Out Loud"

	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Okay, well, now that we've gotten off the ski slopes and lived to tell about it … it's time for some real entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the truly great singers, Melissa Manchester.
	In an abstract circus set, Melissa sings "Don't Cry Out Loud."
Statler	When I was a kid, I left home to join a traveling circus.
Waldorf	Oh, were your folks upset?
Statler	Are you kidding? They're the ones that got me the job!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Kermit addresses the injured skiers.
Kermit	Uh, now listen, guys. The show will take care of all of your medical expenses.
Klaus	Oh, well that's good.
Kermit	Uh, Scooter, did you cash that check I gave you?
Scooter	Oh, of course.
Kermit	Good. (exits)
Scooter	(looks up) At least, probably.
Skiers	Wha?
Scooter	(checks the books) Well actually, no.
Skiers	What?
	They gang up on him.
Scooter	Gee, guys, is there something wrong?
Klaus	Oh no, nothing at all. We just wanted to invite you to come to our … cast party.
Scooter	Oh, thanks! Wait - whoa, ho ho … oh!
	They start beating him up with their casts.

"Oh! Susanna"

	Beauregard plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica on an out-of-control rocking chair.

Muppet newsflash / Backstage

Newsman	And now, this Muppet Newsflash. On Wall Street today, commodity experts were amazed as beef fell dramatically.
Cow	Moo!
Newsman	Oh, no!
	A cow falls on him.
	Kermit and Melissa watch from the wings.
Melissa	Kermit, where did that cow come from? He seemed to fall right out of the sky.
Kermit	Yeah, well see, he said that beef was falling, and uh, well it's a little hard to explain. Uh, why don't we just watch Pigs in Space?
Melissa	(looks up) Oh, no!
Kermit	Don't worry, things only fall on the Newsman.
	The Newsman walks by in a daze.
Melissa	What did you say that next sketch is called?
Kermit	Uh, Pigs in Space.
Melissa	Oh, good. I thought you said pigs from space.
Newsman	(looks up) Not again!
	Strangepork and Link fall from the ceiling and land on him.

Pigs in Space

Announcer	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! The Swinetrek is just about to be boarded by a sinister spaceship from the Crab Nebula.
Link Hogthrob	(fearful) Oh, oh the Crab Nebula! I'm so frightened! They're all such mean baddies over there. Ahh, there he is!
	An alien pops up. Link and Strangepork cower.
Alien	Goo-boo-goo-boo-goo-boo!
Link & Strangepork	Oh, oh, help!
	First Mate Piggy enters in her bathrobe and curlers.
Miss Piggy	Can we eighty-six the yelling? I'm trying to take a nap. (yawns)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But this weird alien from the Crab Nebula just boarded the ship!
Alien	Goo-boo-goo-boo.
Miss Piggy	So, what does it want?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I don't know. I don't speak Crab Nebulese.
Miss Piggy	(walks over and points to something) Well, why don't you use the universal translator, right there? Knuckle brains. (walks off)
	Link pushes a lever and turns it on.
Alien	I represent Swunko, the wash day miracle! Guaranteed to turn your glooboos sparkling pink, without rinsing.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Wow, we knew it was important.
Link Hogthrob	Sparkling pink, huh? I'll take a dozen boxes.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	You don't have any glooboos.
Link Hogthrob	Oh. Make it a half dozen.
	The announcer speaks, and the alien ducks. Link and Strangepork look up.
Announcer	Tune in next time for PIGS… IN… (the phone rings) Hello? No, I'm busy. I'll call you back during the commercial... (hangs up) IN… SPACE!

UK spot

Scooter	(through the intercom) Pops and Fozzie. Pops and Fozzie, on next.
Fozzie	(nervous) Uh, Pops? I don't think I'm gonna be able to do this.
Pops	Oh, it's gonna be terrific, Fozzie. Why, back in nineteen aught forty-eight, I played the Roxie with this number. Heh heh heh.
Fozzie	But, it's so complicated!
Scooter	And now, here they are, Pops and Fozzie with "Once in Love with Amy".
	Vaudevillian music plays. Fozzie tries to keep up with Pops while dancing.
Pops	Yes sir!
Fozzie	Aha!
Pops	Oh, once in love with Amy…
Fozzie	With Amy!
Pops	Always in love with Amy…
Fozzie	This is easy!
Pops	Ever and ever fascinated by her…
Fozzie	Two, three…
Pops	Sets your heart afire to stay — Turn!
Fozzie	Turn! Oh, sorry —
Pops	Once you're kissed by Amy…
Fozzie	Sorry.
Pops	Tear up your list, it's Amy.
Fozzie	Aha.
Pops	Ply her with bonbons, poetry and flowers. Moon a million hours away…
Fozzie	Away…
	Fozzie accidentally tosses his cane.
Pops	You might be quite the fickle hearted rover…
Fozzie	Sorry!
Pops	So carefree and bold …
Fozzie	(resumes dancing) Haha.
Pops	Who loves a girl and later thinks it over…
Fozzie	Pops … haha… what do I do now?
Pops	And just … quits… cold. Follow me!
Fozzie	Yes sir.
Pops	Once in love with Amy…
Fozzie	With Amy!
Pops	Always in love with Amy. Turn!
Fozzie	Aha! Oh.
Pops	Ever and ever, sweetly you'll romance her. Trouble is the answer will be…
Fozzie	Will BE! Haha…
Pops	That Amy would rather stay in love…
Pops & Fozzie	With … me!
Fozzie	I did it! I did it! Hahaha!
	They strut off stage, then come back for the curtain call.
Fozzie	Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Pops! Fozzie! Thank you! (blows kisses) Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Statler	You really gotta hand it to Fozzie.
Waldorf	Hand him what?
Statler	Abuse!
Waldorf	Oh!
Statler & Waldorf	Boo! Hiss! Terrible!

Dressing room

	Melissa sits at a piano, watching Floyd play bass guitar.
Melissa	Hey Floyd, what are you doing?
Floyd	Oh, I'm playing the blues.
Melissa	Do you like blues music?
Floyd	Only when I'm depressed.
Melissa	Do you get depressed often?
Floyd	Only when I play the blues.
Melissa	You're weird.
Floyd	I may be weird, but you're beautiful.
Melissa	Funny you should feel that way because I've always had a thing for weirdos, man.
Floyd	Now, how can I tell when you're being serious?
Melissa	Whenever I call you friend, friend.
Floyd	Okay friend, let's communicate.
	Melissa plays the piano and sings "Whenever I Call You Friend."
Melissa	Whenever I call you friend, I begin to think I understand, Anywhere at all, You and I have always been, ever and ever…
Floyd	I see myself within your eyes, And that's all I need to show me why, Everything I do, always takes me home to you…
Melissa	Forever and ever. Now I know my life has given me more Than memories.
	They are joined by Scooter, Annie Sue, Lips, Robin, Rowlf, Gonzo and Janice.
Muppets	Day by day… We can see…
Melissa	In every moment there's a reason to carry on…
Floyd	Carry on …
All	Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light.
Melissa	I've never seen such a beautiful sight.
All	Sweet love flowin' almost every night. I know forever we'll be doin' it…
	Lips plays a trumpet solo.
Melissa	Whenever I call you friend… Forever and ever. Now I know my life has given me more Than memories.
Muppets	Day by day… We can see…
Melissa	In every moment there's a reason to carry on…
Muppets	Carry on …
All	Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light.
Floyd	I've never seen such a beautiful sight.
All	Sweet love flowin' almost every night. I know forever we'll be doin' it, doin' it, doin' it…
Floyd	Sweet love…
Melissa	Shining in my life …
Floyd	Sweet love…
Melissa	Bright star in my life … Whenever I call you friend…
All	Whenever I call you… friend.
	Applause.

Backstage

	Kermit looks over the schedule.
Kermit	Okay, next we have the Flying Teeterini Family. (into the intercom) Okay, onstage, the Teeterini Family, onstage please!
Mama Teeterini	Hey, scusi, froggy. You tell me where the teeter board is.
	Fozzie and Beauregard carry the teeter board off the stage.
Fozzie	Oh, there's no room for it.
Kermit	Uh, hey that teeter board's supposed to be onstage, Fozzie.
Fozzie	(stammers) No, as I'm saying to you, there's no room for it on the stage.
Kermit	Why not?
Fozzie	Because there's a set in the way, sir.
Kermit	Well, why is the set out there? Hey, can we- can we clear the set please? Clear that set!
Beauregard	You don't need to shout in the talkie talkie thing! We're standing right here!
Kermit	(sigh)
Fozzie	Can we please put this down?
Kermit	Right here?
Beauregard	Okay. (sets it down on Kermit's flipper)
Kermit	What? (yelps) Can you guys get on stage please?
Mama Teeterini	You expect the famous Teeterini Family to perform on stage without their famous teeter board?
Kermit	Well, hey listen, is the teeter board really a big part of the act?
	The brothers gather around.
Mama Teeterini	Watch this. Okay boys, alley-oop!
	Circus music plays. She begins stepping on the board, propelling them one by one into the air.
Mama Teeterini	Come on, let's do it! Alley-oop! (boing!) Louie Teeterini! Come on! Alley-oop! (boing!) Come on boys! Alley-oop! (boing!)
	Even Kermit and Fozzie are launched into the air. The scene ends in chaos.
Mama Teeterini	Bella, bella, bella!

"How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

	A trio of birds pluck "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?" on a guitar. Some dogs appear on cue, as well as an unexpected walrus.

The Swedish Chef

	The Chef waves some spoons around.
Announcer	Today, the Swedish Chef will prepare spring chicken.
Swedish Chef	(sings his theme song) … børk børk børk!
	He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de sprïngy chïckëe! Oh, chick-chick-chick-chick-chïckëe!
	A chicken peers out of the pot.
Swedish Chef	Hoo-oo. Oh chïckëe. (prompts it) Sprïng, chïckëe.
Chicken	No…
Swedish Chef	(prompts it) Sprïng, chïckëe.
Chicken	No…
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) …sprïng, chïckëe.
Chicken	No, no… (ducks)
	The Chef picks up a giant wooden spoon, and whacks the pot. The chicken comes springing out.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) Oh … oh chïckëe.
	More and more chickens start springing out of the pot and bouncing around the kitchen. The scene ends in chaos.
Statler	I thought that was the dumbest Swedish Chef spot they've ever done. What do you think?
	Waldorf clucks, then springs out of the balcony.
Statler	When will you ever learn? You're no spring chicken anymore! (laughs)

Backstage

	The chickens, and the Chef, bounce past Kermit.
Kermit	Hey, chickens. Would you guys keep still? Chef, what's with these chickens?
Swedish Chef	[mock Swedish] Böingå bøing boing.
Kermit	I feel control over this show slipping. Skiers on crutches, and chickens on springs.
	WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo	(sings) These are a few of my favorite things!
Kermit	(sigh)
Gonzo	Wait for me, girls! Ha ha ha! (runs after them)
Kermit	Oh boy, this show's now officially out of control. I'm gonna introduce the final number, and then it's every frog for himself.
Fozzie	Hey Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, hey, why did the chickens cross the road?
Kermit	Because an angry Swede was chasing them with a cleaver! (exits)
Fozzie	That's not it. Hey, wait. Yours is better!

"Your Cheatin' Heart"

Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, backstage is a mess. I've got angry skiers, springing chickens, and bouncing Italians. So let us leave all that behind. Come with me now to the peace and quiet of sunny Spain, there to hear the beautiful soothing melodies of Miss Melissa Manchester.
	In sunny Spain, Melissa sings "Your Cheatin' Heart" accompanied by the Mutations. She spots bullfighter Link cheating on her with Annie Sue and sends a raging bull after him. Meanwhile, the Chef chases after another chicken.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay, well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us thank the lady who made it what it was, the beautiful and talented Melissa Manchester. Yaaay!
	Applause.
Melissa	Thank you Kermit, I've had a great time.
Kermit	Oh, I'm so glad.
	The Mutations and the skiers gather on stage behind her.
Melissa	When I wasn't being, uh, hit by flying skiers, or jumped on by spring chickens, or pelted with acrobats.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, well, actually you're lucky because next week we're having a yodeler who works blindfolded from a hang glider.
Melissa	You're kidding.
Kermit	No.
	The yodeler is heard yodeling from offstage.
Kermit	That's next week!
	The yodeler glides down onto the stage, yodeling.
Kermit	Uh, sorry about that. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The Teeterinis jump around, the Mutations slap each other, and the scene ends in chaos as the credits roll.
Statler	Watch out!
Waldorf	Oh!
	A Teeterini brother lands in the balcony. Waldorf waves a white flag.
Statler & Waldorf	We surrender!
	A Teeterini brother gets up, dazed.