Muppet Wiki

Kermiteye.png Welcome to Muppet Wiki!

Please visit Special:Community to learn how you can contribute.


Muppet Wiki

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 512: Melissa Manchester.

Cold open

Pops chuckles while playing a card game with himself. Melissa enters.
Pops Who are you?
Melissa Uh, I'm Melissa Manchester. Maybe you can help me. My agent booked me onto this weird thing called, uh, The Muppet Show. Am I in the right place?
Mayhem ensues: Animal drags Floyd by the chain, a two-headed Whatnot passes by warming up its vocal chords, and Crazy Harry sets off an explosion.
Melissa (to viewer) Check! I'm in the right place. (grins)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Melissa Manchester! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
Gonzo starts to blow his trumpet, but Kermit cuts in with his own trumpet, blowing Gonzo out of the "O".

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, and welcome once again to The Muppet Show. And tonight our very special guest star is the great singer and songwriter Melissa Manchester. (audience oohs) Yes. But first, through the miracle of costly special effects … we whisk you away to the high Alps. So, please welcome the Vienna Downhill Boys Choir, with their Alpine anthem "Tumbling Tumbleweeds"! Yaay!
With the help of some special effects, the Vienna Downhill Boys Choir performs "Tumblin' Tumbleweeds" as they ski down the Alps, with many a wipe-out along the way.
Waldorf Aw, we should have wished them luck.
Statler Well, it's too late now.
Waldorf It's never too late.
They look at each other in unison, then shout …
Statler & Waldorf Break a leg! Break a leg!
They chuckle.


The injured skiers are wheeled offstage by "Dr. Bob".
Kermit Oh boy, it's a disaster.
Skier Doctor, will I ever be able to ski again?
Rowlf Uh, what do you mean again? (chuckles)
Kermit Listen, you should have taken lessons.
Skier Well, I did. I took lessons from the famous Klaus Noodleman.
Kermit You did?
Skier Yeah. Hey, Klaus.
Behind him, Klaus has a wheelchair and cast of his own.
Klaus Oh, hi Charlie. How'd it go?
Skier What do you think?
Klaus Did you do everything I told ya?
Skier Everything.
Klaus Figures.
Kermit Uh, listen Scooter, if I come up with any more dumb ideas like that, stop me.
Scooter Right. Uh, shall I cancel the blindfolded yodeling hang glider?
Kermit Of course not. I said "dumb ideas".
He walks on-stage, leaving Scooter dumbfounded.

"Don't Cry Out Loud"

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay, well, now that we've gotten off the ski slopes and lived to tell about it … it's time for some real entertainment. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the truly great singers, Melissa Manchester.
In an abstract circus set, Melissa sings "Don't Cry Out Loud."
Statler When I was a kid, I left home to join a traveling circus.
Waldorf Oh, were your folks upset?
Statler Are you kidding? They're the ones that got me the job!
They chuckle.


Kermit addresses the injured skiers.
Kermit Uh, now listen, guys. The show will take care of all of your medical expenses.
Klaus Oh, well that's good.
Kermit Uh, Scooter, did you cash that check I gave you?
Scooter Oh, of course.
Kermit Good. (exits)
Scooter (looks up) At least, probably.
Skiers Wha?
Scooter (checks the books) Well actually, no.
Skiers What?
They gang up on him.
Scooter Gee, guys, is there something wrong?
Klaus Oh no, nothing at all. We just wanted to invite you to come to our … cast party.
Scooter Oh, thanks! Wait - whoa, ho ho … oh!
They start beating him up with their casts.

"Oh! Susanna"

Beauregard plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica on an out-of-control rocking chair.

Muppet newsflash / Backstage

Newsman And now, this Muppet Newsflash. On Wall Street today, commodity experts were amazed as beef fell dramatically.
Cow Moo!
Newsman Oh, no!
A cow falls on him.
Kermit and Melissa watch from the wings.
Melissa Kermit, where did that cow come from? He seemed to fall right out of the sky.
Kermit Yeah, well see, he said that beef was falling, and uh, well it's a little hard to explain. Uh, why don't we just watch Pigs in Space?
Melissa (looks up) Oh, no!
Kermit Don't worry, things only fall on the Newsman.
The Newsman walks by in a daze.
Melissa What did you say that next sketch is called?
Kermit Uh, Pigs in Space.
Melissa Oh, good. I thought you said pigs from space.
Newsman (looks up) Not again!
Strangepork and Link fall from the ceiling and land on him.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! The Swinetrek is just about to be boarded by a sinister spaceship from the Crab Nebula.
Link Hogthrob (fearful) Oh, oh the Crab Nebula! I'm so frightened! They're all such mean baddies over there. Ahh, there he is!
An alien pops up. Link and Strangepork cower.
Alien Goo-boo-goo-boo-goo-boo!
Link & Strangepork Oh, oh, help!
First Mate Piggy enters in her bathrobe and curlers.
Miss Piggy Can we eighty-six the yelling? I'm trying to take a nap. (yawns)
Dr. Julius Strangepork But this weird alien from the Crab Nebula just boarded the ship!
Alien Goo-boo-goo-boo.
Miss Piggy So, what does it want?
Dr. Julius Strangepork I don't know. I don't speak Crab Nebulese.
Miss Piggy (walks over and points to something) Well, why don't you use the universal translator, right there? Knuckle brains. (walks off)
Link pushes a lever and turns it on.
Alien I represent Swunko, the wash day miracle! Guaranteed to turn your glooboos sparkling pink, without rinsing.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Wow, we knew it was important.
Link Hogthrob Sparkling pink, huh? I'll take a dozen boxes.
Dr. Julius Strangepork You don't have any glooboos.
Link Hogthrob Oh. Make it a half dozen.
The announcer speaks, and the alien ducks. Link and Strangepork look up.
Announcer Tune in next time for PIGS… IN… (the phone rings) Hello? No, I'm busy. I'll call you back during the commercial... (hangs up) IN… SPACE!

UK spot

Scooter (through the intercom) Pops and Fozzie. Pops and Fozzie, on next.
Fozzie (nervous) Uh, Pops? I don't think I'm gonna be able to do this.
Pops Oh, it's gonna be terrific, Fozzie. Why, back in nineteen aught forty-eight, I played the Roxie with this number. Heh heh heh.
Fozzie But, it's so complicated!
Scooter And now, here they are, Pops and Fozzie with "Once in Love with Amy".
Vaudevillian music plays. Fozzie tries to keep up with Pops while dancing.
Pops Yes sir!
Fozzie Aha!
Pops Oh, once in love with Amy…
Fozzie With Amy!
Pops Always in love with Amy…
Fozzie This is easy!
Pops Ever and ever fascinated by her…
Fozzie Two, three…
Pops Sets your heart afire to stay — Turn!
Fozzie Turn! Oh, sorry —
Pops Once you're kissed by Amy…
Fozzie Sorry.
Pops Tear up your list, it's Amy.
Fozzie Aha.

Ply her with bonbons, poetry and flowers.
Moon a million hours away…

Fozzie Away…
Fozzie accidentally tosses his cane.
Pops You might be quite the fickle hearted rover…
Fozzie Sorry!
Pops So carefree and bold …
Fozzie (resumes dancing) Haha.
Pops Who loves a girl and later thinks it over…
Fozzie Pops … haha… what do I do now?
Pops And just … quits… cold. Follow me!
Fozzie Yes sir.
Pops Once in love with Amy…
Fozzie With Amy!
Pops Always in love with Amy. Turn!
Fozzie Aha! Oh.

Ever and ever, sweetly you'll romance her.
Trouble is the answer will be…

Fozzie Will BE! Haha…
Pops That Amy would rather stay in love…
Pops & Fozzie With … me!
Fozzie I did it! I did it! Hahaha!
They strut off stage, then come back for the curtain call.
Fozzie Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Pops! Fozzie! Thank you! (blows kisses) Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Statler You really gotta hand it to Fozzie.
Waldorf Hand him what?
Statler Abuse!
Waldorf Oh!
Statler & Waldorf Boo! Hiss! Terrible!

Dressing room

Melissa sits at a piano, watching Floyd play bass guitar.
Melissa Hey Floyd, what are you doing?
Floyd Oh, I'm playing the blues.
Melissa Do you like blues music?
Floyd Only when I'm depressed.
Melissa Do you get depressed often?
Floyd Only when I play the blues.
Melissa You're weird.
Floyd I may be weird, but you're beautiful.
Melissa Funny you should feel that way because I've always had a thing for weirdos, man.
Floyd Now, how can I tell when you're being serious?
Melissa Whenever I call you friend, friend.
Floyd Okay friend, let's communicate.
Melissa plays the piano and sings "Whenever I Call You Friend."

Whenever I call you friend,
I begin to think I understand,
Anywhere at all,
You and I have always been, ever and ever…


I see myself within your eyes,
And that's all I need to show me why,
Everything I do, always takes me home to you…


Forever and ever.
Now I know my life has given me more
Than memories.

They are joined by Scooter, Annie Sue, Lips, Robin, Rowlf, Gonzo and Janice.

Day by day…
We can see…

Melissa In every moment there's a reason to carry on…
Floyd Carry on …
All Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light.
Melissa I've never seen such a beautiful sight.

Sweet love flowin' almost every night.
I know forever we'll be doin' it…

Lips plays a trumpet solo.

Whenever I call you friend…
Forever and ever.
Now I know my life has given me more
Than memories.


Day by day…
We can see…

Melissa In every moment there's a reason to carry on…
Muppets Carry on …
All Sweet love showin' us a heavenly light.
Floyd I've never seen such a beautiful sight.

Sweet love flowin' almost every night.
I know forever we'll be doin' it, doin' it, doin' it…

Floyd Sweet love…
Melissa Shining in my life …
Floyd Sweet love…

Bright star in my life … Whenever I call you friend…

All Whenever I call you… friend.


Kermit looks over the schedule.
Kermit Okay, next we have the Flying Teeterini Family. (into the intercom) Okay, onstage, the Teeterini Family, onstage please!
Mama Teeterini Hey, scusi, froggy. You tell me where the teeter board is.
Fozzie and Beauregard carry the teeter board off the stage.
Fozzie Oh, there's no room for it.
Kermit Uh, hey that teeter board's supposed to be onstage, Fozzie.
Fozzie (stammers) No, as I'm saying to you, there's no room for it on the stage.
Kermit Why not?
Fozzie Because there's a set in the way, sir.
Kermit Well, why is the set out there? Hey, can we- can we clear the set please? Clear that set!
Beauregard You don't need to shout in the talkie talkie thing! We're standing right here!
Kermit (sigh)
Fozzie Can we please put this down?
Kermit Right here?
Beauregard Okay. (sets it down on Kermit's flipper)
Kermit What? (yelps) Can you guys get on stage please?
Mama Teeterini You expect the famous Teeterini Family to perform on stage without their famous teeter board?
Kermit Well, hey listen, is the teeter board really a big part of the act?
The brothers gather around.
Mama Teeterini Watch this. Okay boys, alley-oop!
Circus music plays. She begins stepping on the board, propelling them one by one into the air.
Mama Teeterini Come on, let's do it! Alley-oop! (boing!) Louie Teeterini! Come on! Alley-oop! (boing!) Come on boys! Alley-oop! (boing!)
Even Kermit and Fozzie are launched into the air. The scene ends in chaos.
Mama Teeterini Bella, bella, bella!

"How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?"

A trio of birds pluck "How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?" on a guitar. Some dogs appear on cue, as well as an unexpected walrus.

The Swedish Chef

The Chef waves some spoons around.
Announcer Today, the Swedish Chef will prepare spring chicken.
Swedish Chef (sings his theme song) … børk børk børk!
He tosses the spoons.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de sprïngy chïckëe! Oh, chick-chick-chick-chick-chïckëe!
A chicken peers out of the pot.
Swedish Chef Hoo-oo. Oh chïckëe. (prompts it) Sprïng, chïckëe.
Chicken No…
Swedish Chef (prompts it) Sprïng, chïckëe.
Chicken No…
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) …sprïng, chïckëe.
Chicken No, no… (ducks)
The Chef picks up a giant wooden spoon, and whacks the pot. The chicken comes springing out.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) Oh … oh chïckëe.
More and more chickens start springing out of the pot and bouncing around the kitchen. The scene ends in chaos.
Statler I thought that was the dumbest Swedish Chef spot they've ever done. What do you think?
Waldorf clucks, then springs out of the balcony.
Statler When will you ever learn? You're no spring chicken anymore! (laughs)


The chickens, and the Chef, bounce past Kermit.
Kermit Hey, chickens. Would you guys keep still? Chef, what's with these chickens?
Swedish Chef [mock Swedish] Böingå bøing boing.
Kermit I feel control over this show slipping. Skiers on crutches, and chickens on springs.
WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo (sings) These are a few of my favorite things!
Kermit (sigh)
Gonzo Wait for me, girls! Ha ha ha! (runs after them)
Kermit Oh boy, this show's now officially out of control. I'm gonna introduce the final number, and then it's every frog for himself.
Fozzie Hey Kermit, Kermit, Kermit, hey, why did the chickens cross the road?
Kermit Because an angry Swede was chasing them with a cleaver! (exits)
Fozzie That's not it. Hey, wait. Yours is better!

"Your Cheatin' Heart"

Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, backstage is a mess. I've got angry skiers, springing chickens, and bouncing Italians. So let us leave all that behind. Come with me now to the peace and quiet of sunny Spain, there to hear the beautiful soothing melodies of Miss Melissa Manchester.
In sunny Spain, Melissa sings "Your Cheatin' Heart" accompanied by the Mutations. She spots bullfighter Link cheating on her with Annie Sue and sends a raging bull after him. Meanwhile, the Chef chases after another chicken.


Kermit Okay, well, we've just about come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us thank the lady who made it what it was, the beautiful and talented Melissa Manchester. Yaaay!
Melissa Thank you Kermit, I've had a great time.
Kermit Oh, I'm so glad.
The Mutations and the skiers gather on stage behind her.
Melissa When I wasn't being, uh, hit by flying skiers, or jumped on by spring chickens, or pelted with acrobats.
Kermit Uh, yeah, well, actually you're lucky because next week we're having a yodeler who works blindfolded from a hang glider.
Melissa You're kidding.
Kermit No.
The yodeler is heard yodeling from offstage.
Kermit That's next week!
The yodeler glides down onto the stage, yodeling.
Kermit Uh, sorry about that. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Teeterinis jump around, the Mutations slap each other, and the scene ends in chaos as the credits roll.
Statler Watch out!
Waldorf Oh!
A Teeterini brother lands in the balcony. Waldorf waves a white flag.
Statler & Waldorf We surrender!
A Teeterini brother gets up, dazed.