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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 513: Tony Randall.

Cold open

Pops holds an envelope up to the light, trying to see through it. He hears a knock.
Pops Heh … somebody there?
A trench coated man enters.
Pops (In a suspicious tone) Say. Who are you?
Tony (Cockney accent) I'm a … I'm a messenger, I am. Tony Randall sent me to say he can't be your guest star β€” he's β€” he's come down with a rare disease.
Pops Wait β€” stop that! I recognize you. You're Tony Randall.
Tony removes his hat and glasses.
Tony (normal voice) Rats.
513 cold open.jpg
Pops Oh, c'mon now, youngster. Take your medicine like a man!
Tony You're right. I can take it. I'm gonna go up those stairs and do this crummy show.
He goes upstairs, and is surrounded by cheering Muppets.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Tony Randall! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
513 trumpet.jpg
Gonzo's trumpet is replaced with a fish. When he blows into it, bubbles are heard.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight, because our guest star is the charming and debonaire Mr. Tony Randall! (audience aahs) Yes! But first, come with us back to the days of the caveman, where every woman wore furs, every man had a private club, and backyard barbecues were truly mammoth! Yaaaayy!
513 yakety yak 1.jpg
The cave pigs, scolding their children and joined by a saber-toothed tiger and a Brontosaurus, sing "Yakety Yak." Zoot joins them on saxophone.
Statler I didn't know they had rock music in those days.
Waldorf Sure! Why do you think they called it the Stone Age?
They chuckle.

Dressing room

Tony reads a book. Someone knocks on the door.
Tony Come in.
Miss Piggy Excuse me, Anthony. Uh, are vous busy?
Tony Oh, never too busy for the lovely Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy (giggles)
513 piggy and tony.jpg
Tony I'm just reading this fascinating old book of magic spells. They've got some marvelous things in here.
Miss Piggy Ooh. M-hm.
Tony (giggles) Here's one on how to make it rain.
Miss Piggy Hah!
Tony (turns pages) One on how to make dogs stop barking …
Miss Piggy Hm.
Tony (turns pages) A really β€” listen to this one. "Zark zark chumbo, klong klong chumbo".
Piggy turns into a stone statue.
Tony Y'know what that's supposed to do? Turn people into stone. (giggles) It doesn't do it for you, huh? Turning people into stone? Here's one that turns people into frogs, what would you think of that? A world full of Kermits. You'd be out of your mind. (giggles)
Miss Piggy (moans)
Tony (glances at her) Oh, I get it. Turned to stone, huh? (giggles)
Miss Piggy (moans)
513 miss piggy - stone.jpg
His smile quickly disappears. He tries tickling her chin.
Tony Tickle tickle tickle!
His anxiety increases. He tries whacking her with a hairbrush. She growls.
Tony I'm sorry. I'm β€” I'm so sorry!
Kermit (knocks) Uh, can β€” can I come in?
Tony Uh, um β€” just a minute, Kermit! Just a second! Just let me uh … be right with you!
Miss Piggy (moans)
Panicking, he covers Piggy with a blanket.
Tony Don't move. Come in! (acts nonchalant)
Kermit Uh, Miss Piggy's on next. She's not in here, is she?
Tony I don't see her. Uh, why don't you put somebody else on next?
Miss Piggy (moans)
Kermit Uh, put somebody else on?
Tony Yeah.
Kermit I don't think Miss Piggy would stand still for that.
Tony Oh, I think she might.
Kermit Okay, I'll just postpone Pigs in Space till later on.
Miss Piggy MMMMM! MMMMM!
Tony I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry. (thumbs through the book) Just wait! Just wait, we'll find something. Just a minute.
Miss Piggy (moans)

String Quartet

513 muppet orchestra.jpg
A Muppet String Quartet plays Boccherini's Minuet in A Major. A mischievous cellist keeps poking the violinist with his bow. The violinist retaliates by pushing the cellist into the piano. The pianist's candelabra falls into his piano, causing the thing to set on fire. The flutist bumps into the pianist, the pianist punches the flutist, and the whole thing ends with an explosion. Through all of it they continue to play... and the cellist continues to poke the violinist.


Scooter Kermit! I couldn't find Piggy. I looked everywhere!
Kermit That's funny. I was sure she'd be in her dressing room.
Scooter Except her dressing room.
Kermit (grimaces)
513 backstage 1.jpg
Scooter Hey, Kermit? What do you want me to do with these guys?
Kermit Uh, take 'em outside?
Scooter Then what?
Kermit Lock the door.
Scooter Come on, fellas.
He leads them away as Kermit enters Piggy's dressing room. Tony tries to sneak out with the moaning Piggy statue.
Tony Shh. Shh, shh, shh. You're going to be all right. I'm going to sneak you out of the theater and put you in the trunk of my car.
Miss Piggy Mm-mm! Mm-mm!
513 backstage 2.jpg
Tony It's gotta be the trunk. If I put you in the front, you'll scratch the upholstery. Now, we're gonna take you to a doctor. Or maybe a stonemason.
Miss Piggy MMMMM!
Tony Shh! Shh! Shh … We don't want Kermit to know.
Kermit Uh, know what?
Tony !!! … Hi, Kermit.
Kermit Hi.
Tony Kermit … something terrible has happened.
Kermit Huh?
Tony Do you know what this is?
Kermit Uh … a statue of Piggy?
Tony Yes. It's a statue of Piggy.
Kermit Oh β€” what's terrible about that? It's uh, very lifelike. Why β€” I can just feel those fleshy jowls. (giggles)
Tony Kermit …
Kermit Hm?
Tony It's not a statue. This is Miss Piggy.
Kermit (gasp!) What?! … Piggy, is that you??
Miss Piggy (moans)
Kermit (gasp!)
Tony She was turned to stone by a magic spell.
Kermit (stammers) She's a star! She's a friend! This is terrible!
Tony I know, I know. I feel awful. I know how important Miss Piggy is to you and the show. I'd do anything to help! Anything!
Kermit Oh, well, just go get ready for your number.
Tony Thank you, Kermit.
He accidentally drops Piggy over the railing. She crashes down the stairs. Tony covers his face.
513 backstage 3.jpg
Tony Did she break anything?
Kermit Yeah. Couple of floorboards.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Orchestra leader Zuben Bechmesser was nearly electrocuted at the Metropolitan opera today when he absent-mindedly inserted his baton into an electrical outlet.
Bechmesser enters the frame, shivering.
Newsman Uh, Mr. Bechmesser, I understand, according to doctors, you would have died instantly, had you not been such a poor conductor. (laughs)
Bechmesser sticks his baton in the Newsman's nose.
513 newsflash.jpg
Newsman I'm sorry! I take it back!
Bechmesser exits.


Fozzie sets Piggy down. Floyd holds a piece of paper.
Fozzie (grunts) Don't worry, Miss Piggy … nothing is broken. Boy, you sure are heavy. You must weigh at least a ton!
Floyd Well, that's good. That means she's lost weight! (laughs)
513 backstage floyd fozzie.jpg
Fozzie Floyd, you shouldn't laugh at Piggy. I mean, she must be terrified.
Floyd Terrified? She's petrified! (laughs)
Exit Fozzie, enter Gonzo.
Gonzo Hey, great news, Miss Piggy: you'll be back to normal in no time. I just got this new book called Sandblasting Without Pain.
They laugh.
Floyd Hey, Gonzo β€”
Gonzo Yes?
Floyd β€” did you know that Miss Piggy is very worried about Kermit?
Gonzo Worried about Kermit? Why?
Floyd Well, she's afraid he'll take her for granite.
They laugh.
Kermit Oh, okay, guys, enough with these cheap shots.
Floyd Aw, come on! I got another page to go here! (holds up paper)
Kermit Floyd, how can you be so cruel to a fellow performer? Someone you've known and worked with for years? Now just take a look at her. She's suffered enough. Have pity upon her.
513 backstage pity piggy.jpg
Miss Piggy (moans)
Floyd Oh, you're right. But what'll I do with these jokes?
Kermit Burn 'em. (exits)
Floyd You heard what the frog said.
Floyd strikes the match on Piggy, who grimaces. Floyd laughs.
513 backstage burn em.jpg


Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit Okay, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star, Mr. Tony Randall, will now take us back to the days of the old-time dance band and their raccoon coats!
513 nude raccoon.jpg
Raccoon (SW) Yeah, well, when he's through, he'd better give the coat back to us raccoons.
Kermit (grimaces) Okay, okay, get off the stage! Off the stage! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Tony Randall! Yaaay!
513 tippy tin.jpg
Tony sings "Ti-Pi-Tin" with the Female Singers.

UK spot

513 coconuts.jpg
The Showman performs "A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" while Quongo throws coconuts. Eventually, the coconuts join in.

Dressing room

Tony reads from the book of spells as Scooter watches.
Tony Arvaltov … fazgoff!
Scooter watches in anticipation, then shakes his head.
Tony Frell, gog, raimwraith, la!
Scooter … Aww. Still nothing, Tony.
Tony I've read practically everything in the book. Something's gotta turn her back.
Scooter Keep reading.
Tony Ynot Lladnar.
513 scooter 1.jpg
Scooter grows horns and fangs.
Tony Noslen Yrrej.
The horns and fangs disappear.
Tony Rezal evad gib!
513 rezal evad gib.jpg
Scooter grows two more sets of hands, a snake's tongue and red eyes.
Tony Tnuh Drahcir!
Scooter turns back to normal.
Tony Zleog divad oznog!
513 zleog divad oznog.jpg
Scooter's head turns into Gonzo's.
Tony Evets Erimtihw!
Scooter's head turns back to normal.
Tony (looks at Scooter) So far nothing's happened.
Scooter (faints)
Tony Was it something I said?

"Poison Ivy"

513 poison ivy.jpg
Dr. Teeth performs "Poison Ivy". As he does, poison ivy grows out of his piano and overtakes him.
Waldorf That was a very rash song. (chuckles)
Statler Well, what do you expect? He started from scratch.
They chuckle.

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As we join our heroes, it's been a quiet day aboard the Swinetrek.
Link Hogthrob Well, it's been a quiet day aboard the Swinetrek.
Dr. Julius Strangepork I can't remember a more relaxed, peaceful time.
Link Hogthrob (nods) Mm. It's the kind of day that just makes you feel good to be a pig. (glances) Do you suppose it's because First Mate Miss Piggy has turned to stone?
Dr. Julius Strangepork It couldn't hurt. (they chuckle)
Link Hogthrob I wonder how it happened.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, in olden times, they had magic spells for that kind of shtuff. But, nowadays, well, she was probably playing with the petrificatratron.
Link Hogthrob The who?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, it's one of the Swinetrek's defense systems. It can turn people into shtone and then turn 'em back again.
Link Hogthrob Oh. I had forgotten.
513 pigs in space.jpg
Dr. Julius Strangepork Look here β€” yeah, you set the little dial here, und then you throw this lever.
Link Hogthrob This lever here?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ja.
Link pulls the lever. Piggy turns to normal.
Miss Piggy Well! At last! (sigh) All right! Where's Randall? I hold him personally responsible for this! Him and the frog. The frog brought Randall here β€” they're BOTH to blame! Oh β€” and as for you two twits β€” I am gonna tear you in half! I'm gonna β€” I'm gonna rip off your epaulets! I β€” I'm gonna take your ears, and I'm gonna braid 'em into bird nests! I'm gonna take your nose, I'm gonna, I'm gonna β€”
Link turns her back to stone. He and Strangepork relax.
Dr. Julius Strangepork (sigh) It's been a nice quiet day here aboard the Swinetrek.
Link Hogthrob Yes. It's the kind of day that just makes you feel good to be a pig. (sigh)
Announcer Tune in next time, when we ask the question, "Why did you tune in this time to" β€” PIGS… IN… SPACE!


Kermit looks over the rundown as Link and Strangepork pass by.
Link Hogthrob Huh, without Miss Piggy, we had to carry that whole sketch ourselves.
Dr. Julius Strangepork But be grateful we didn't have to carry Miss Piggy! (they laugh)
Kermit Beauregard, what are you doing?
Beauregard Oh, I'm clearing the stage. I'm gonna put this in the prop closet.
Miss Piggy MMMMM!
Kermit Beauregard, that's Miss Piggy! Now, treat her well. She's a star and a lady.
513 beauregard clears the stage.jpg
Beauregard And a rock.
Kermit It doesn't matter. Just put her down right there.
Beauregard Okay.
Scooter Uh, Kermit, do we have any statues … ?
Kermit That's a funny thing to ask tonight.
Scooter You see, uh, Tony Randall's doing this poetry reading and he needs a statue. We don't have any, unless you want to count, uh, you-know-who.
Miss Piggy MMMMM!
513 not a statue.jpg
Kermit Scooter, I cannot do that to Piggy! It's a terrible thing to suggest! This is not a statue. This is a warm and sensitive lady. And a friend.
Miss Piggy (affectionate noise)
Scooter Okay. We'll just cancel the final number. (goes onstage)
Kermit Scooter?
Scooter (comes back) Yeah, boss?
Kermit Get this statue on stage.
Scooter Check. Come on, Piggy β€” (pushes her)

Poetry corner

Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit If you have tears, prepare to shed them, as our very special guest brings us a literary recitation. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall.
Open on a marble setting. Tony walks up to a podium. Piggy stands behind him with a green jewel placed on her forehead.
Tony The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God. Maestro, if you will, please.
A pianist accompanies him.
513 tony poetry.jpg

There's a one-eyed yellow idol
To the north of Kathmandu;
There's a little marble cross below the town.
There's a brokenhearted woman
Tends the grave of "Mad" Carew,
While the yellow god for ever gazes down.
He was known as "Mad" Carew …

Scooter Uh, Mr. Randall, Mr. Randall β€”
Tony What?
Scooter Well, it's about the spell. It β€”
Tony Can't you see that I'm communing with my muse?
Scooter Oh, sorry, uh, I didn't know you were on the phone. Uh, I found a spell that'll turn a statue into a pig, though.
Tony But I like her as a statue, for now.
Scooter Oh. Well, just in case, uh, the word is "pigskin".
Tony Pigskin.
The spell works. Piggy walks up to Tony.
Miss Piggy Who're you calling "pigskin" … fish-face?
Tony (beside himself) … Hello!
Miss Piggy Mm-hm.
Tony Glad to see you back! I, um … I was just, um, ordering a football. Scooter, get me that pigskin, will you?
513 tony poetry miss piggy.jpg
Scooter Oh, check!
Tony Sure. It's uh, something I need in my recitation here, with the…
Miss Piggy Uh-huh, uh-huh. There's a football in The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God?
Tony It's … it's poetic license.
Miss Piggy Uh-huh. You just had your poetic license revoked. Hiβ€”
A football is tossed to him right then and there.
Tony See? (chuckles) So, we're all set now, huh? You understand? Good.
Miss Piggy I'm watching you closely, Randall.
Tony Good. Why don't you run out for a long one, huh? Here we go! (tosses it) Now we will resume, if we may … professor?
The pianist resumes.
Tony He was known as "Mad Carew" …
Piggy is chased by football players.
Miss Piggy (screams) Get away from me!
The chase continues as he recites.

… By the chaps at Kathmandu,
He was wilder than they felt inclined to tell.
But, for all his foolish pranks,
He was worshipped in the ranks.
And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him …

513 tony poetry football.jpg
Tony Whaddya say? We're trying to do a show here! How about a little cooperation?
Player (JN) Check! All right, hit it, boys!
Cue the orchestra. The players, including Rizzo, start singing the fight song "On, Wisconsin!" Tony continues, unheard, with his recitation. The players run away.

An ugly knife lay buried
In the heart of "Mad" Carew …

Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!
Tony 'Twas the vengeance of the little yellow pig. I thank you.
He collapses slowly. Applause.


Kermit Okay! Well, we've just about come down to the end of another one, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall! Yaaay!
Tony Thank you. Thank you very very much, Kermit. Real thrill being here with you. You're a hero of mine.
Kermit Wow.
Tony Yeah. I just wanted to apologize for accidentally turning Miss Piggy into a stone like that. I didn't mean to.
Kermit Oh, listen β€” don't mention it. We all make mistakes. Incidentally, how did it happen?
Tony I don't know! All I said was "zark zark chumbo, klong klong chumbo" and the next thing I β€”
513 closing.jpg
Kermit turns to stone.
Tony Kermit? (frets)
Gonzo What happened?
Tony I don't know! All I said was β€” (covers his mouth)
513 closing 2.jpg
Gonzo That's all for tonight! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy KERMIT?!
Tony I'm so sorry. Tune in next time, find out, will an ugly girl kiss Kermit and turn him back?
He waves. The credits roll as the banter continues.
Statler I once knew a whole chorus line that was turned to stone.
Waldorf What chorus line was that?
Statler The Rockettes.
They chuckle.