|
Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
|
Kermit
|
If you have tears, prepare to shed them, as our very special guest brings us a literary recitation. Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Randall.
|
|
Open on a marble setting. Tony walks up to a podium. Piggy stands behind him with a green jewel placed on her forehead.
|
Tony
|
The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God. Maestro, if you will, please.
|
|
A pianist accompanies him.
|
|
|
Tony
|
There's a one-eyed yellow idol
To the north of Kathmandu;
There's a little marble cross below the town.
There's a brokenhearted woman
Tends the grave of "Mad" Carew,
While the yellow god for ever gazes down.
He was known as "Mad" Carew …
|
Scooter
|
Uh, Mr. Randall, Mr. Randall —
|
Tony
|
What?
|
Scooter
|
Well, it's about the spell. It —
|
Tony
|
Can't you see that I'm communing with my muse?
|
Scooter
|
Oh, sorry, uh, I didn't know you were on the phone. Uh, I found a spell that'll turn a statue into a pig, though.
|
Tony
|
But I like her as a statue, for now.
|
Scooter
|
Oh. Well, just in case, uh, the word is "pigskin".
|
Tony
|
Pigskin.
|
|
The spell works. Piggy walks up to Tony.
|
Miss Piggy
|
Who're you calling "pigskin" … fish-face?
|
Tony
|
(beside himself) … Hello!
|
Miss Piggy
|
Mm-hm.
|
Tony
|
Glad to see you back! I, um … I was just, um, ordering a football. Scooter, get me that pigskin, will you?
|
|
|
Scooter
|
Oh, check!
|
Tony
|
Sure. It's uh, something I need in my recitation here, with the…
|
Miss Piggy
|
Uh-huh, uh-huh. There's a football in The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God?
|
Tony
|
It's … it's poetic license.
|
Miss Piggy
|
Uh-huh. You just had your poetic license revoked. Hi—
|
|
A football is tossed to him right then and there.
|
Tony
|
See? (chuckles) So, we're all set now, huh? You understand? Good.
|
Miss Piggy
|
I'm watching you closely, Randall.
|
Tony
|
Good. Why don't you run out for a long one, huh? Here we go! (tosses it) Now we will resume, if we may … professor?
|
|
The pianist resumes.
|
Tony
|
He was known as "Mad Carew" …
|
|
Piggy is chased by football players.
|
Miss Piggy
|
(screams) Get away from me!
|
|
The chase continues as he recites.
|
Tony
|
… By the chaps at Kathmandu,
He was wilder than they felt inclined to tell.
But, for all his foolish pranks,
He was worshipped in the ranks.
And the Colonel's daughter smiled on him …
YOU'RE CHASING EACH OTHER WRONG! (blows a whistle)
|
|
|
Tony
|
Whaddya say? We're trying to do a show here! How about a little cooperation?
|
Player (JN)
|
Check! All right, hit it, boys!
|
|
Cue the orchestra. The players, including Rizzo, start singing the fight song "On, Wisconsin!" Tony continues, unheard, with his recitation. The players run away.
|
Tony
|
An ugly knife lay buried
In the heart of "Mad" Carew …
|
Miss Piggy
|
Hi-YAH!
|
Tony
|
'Twas the vengeance of the little yellow pig. I thank you.
|
|
He collapses slowly. Applause.
|