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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 514: Mac Davis.

Cold open

Pops (looking down) Hey! You cockroaches wanna take up stamp collectin'? Well, here's one to start with! (stomps) Heh heh!
Mac enters with a guitar case.
Pops Hey. Who are you?
514 cold open.jpg
Mac I'm Mac Davis. Uh, Kermit asked me to be his guest star tonight.
Pops Mac Davis! That's right You're the famous singer, songwriter, actor, country-western star!
Mac then shows off another talent: tap-dancing.
Pops Heh heh! And tap-dancer! That's great!
Mac Well, it ain't great, but it sure keeps the cockroaches away. (chuckles)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mac Davis! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
514 trumpet.jpg
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a turkey scares him away.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a great show tonight, because our special guest is that great recording star, composer and singer, Mr. Mac Davis! (audience aahs) Yes! But before we meet Mac, here is another opening number!
514 opening.jpg
Fozzie Bear, Link Hogthrob, Scooter, Lew Zealand, Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat sing "Another Opening, Another Show" as stagehands Beauregard and Beaker get tangled in the ropes offstage and drop curtains and backdrops in front of them.
Statler & Waldorf (laughing)
Waldorf Well, that stopped them!
514 statler and waldorf.jpg
Fozzie (pops up behind them) Another opening, another …
Statler & Waldorf Will you get outta here!


Kermit Okay, nicely coped, gang. I'm sorry about the mix-up.
Link Hogthrob Oh, that was terrifying. Every time it went wrong, I thought "This is it! Curtains.
Lew Zealand (laughs) Yeah, and it was Beaker's fault! (laughs)
Beaker and Beau drag a machine past Kermit.
Kermit What is this thing, anyhow?
514 snazzy new copier.jpg
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, this is new from Muppet Labs. It's our snazzy new copying machine. And fortunately, my assistant Beaker is eager to test it.
Beaker Wha?β€”
Kermit Well β€” sooner him than me. (runs off)
Beaker (meeps in protest)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, Beaker, a copying machine is completely harmless!
Beauregard looks into the machine. A green light flashes, stunning him. Beaker runs away in horror, and a picture of Beauregard slides out of the slot on the other end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Well, Mr. Beauregard, it looks like you've seen the light.
Beauregard faints.

"Baby Don't Get Hooked on Me"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, it is guest star time, folks, so things are definitely getting better out here. So here he is now, one of the kings of country-western music, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Mr. MAC DAVIS! YAAAYY!
The curtain opens on an undersea setting. Mac is lowered on a giant fishhook. He sings to Miss Piggy.

Girl, you're gettin' that look in your eyes,
And it's starting to worry me.
'Cause I ain't ready for no family ties.
Nobody's gonna hurry me.
So let's keep it friendly, girl, 'cause I don't want to leave.
Don't start clinging to me, girl, 'cause I can't breathe.


Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.
Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.
'Cause I'll just use you, then I'll set you free.
Baby, baby don't get hooked on me.

Miss Piggy Yoo-hoo! Mac!
Mac What, Miss Piggy?
Miss Piggy You know, Mackie, I do think you're kind of cute.
Mac Aww. You really think so?
Miss Piggy Well β€” there's something about you. All the curly hair, the physique …
Mac The flippers, right?
Miss Piggy (nods) That's it. I'm really into flippers, Mac. Y'know β€” paint yourself green, and you might be my kinda guy! (swoons)
514 hooked.jpg
Mac Girl, you're a hot blooded woman, it's true.
Miss Piggy (nuzzles up to him) It's nice when you're touching moi.
Mac Aww, Miss Piggy.

But I'm afraid I'll end up leaving you blue.

Miss Piggy It brings out so much in moi.
Mac Girl, don't let your life get tangled up with mine.
Miss Piggy If that's the way you feel, then buster, just get off this line!
Both Baby, baby, don't get hooked on me.
Mac Piggy, Piggy, don't get hooked on me.

'Cause I'll just use you then I'll set you free.
Baby, baby don't get hooked on me.

She swims away. Applause.
Waldorf (nods) Yeah. Was that a topical song?
Statler No, topical fish!
They chuckle.


Mac and the fish pass by Kermit.
Kermit Okay, great number. Nice number, Mac.
Mac Oh, thanks, Kermit. You know, that's the secret to good songwriting.
Kermit What's that?
Mac You gotta have a strong hook.
Mac winces at the unfunny joke and goes upstairs.
Kermit (laughs) Yeah.
He walks away. Piggy watches as Mac goes upstairs.
Miss Piggy There go two great sets of flippers.
Beaker taps her on the shoulder. She shrieks.
Beaker (meeps)
514 beaker piggy.jpg
Miss Piggy Beaker, I told you never to talk to me like that.
He sighs and walks away.
Miss Piggy Because I can't understand it.
514 blind beaker.jpg
Out of curiosity, Beaker looks inside the copier. The light glows, and Beaker goes blind. The machine sucks him in.
Kermit Uh, Beauregard, could you get this machine onstage? Muppet Labs is next. (through the intercom) Muppet Labs onstage please! Come on, Beau, move it, move it!
Beauregard I'm trying!

Muppet Labs

Beauregard wheels the machine onstage just in time.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And what a sad day it is, too, for Beaker, my fickle and wayward assistant, has gone missing.
He hears Beaker's voice from inside the machine.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew So I guess I'll have to demonstrate Muppet Labs' new copying machine a la carte.
He presses a button. The machine whirrs, and Beaker pops out.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Beaker! What were you doing in there? If you've broken that machine, I shall have to dock your salary!
More and more meeping Beakers pop out of the machine and surround him.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Beaker! ... You're beside yourself! Three, four, five β€” aaah!
514 muppet labs.jpg
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Well, I've only got one thing to say: HELP!
He runs away. The Beakers follow him.

"It's Hard to Be Humble"

Backstage, Mac tunes his guitar. Link approaches him.
Link Hogthrob Howdy, Mac.
Mac Well, howdy, Link.
Link Hogthrob You got a few minutes for a fellow star?
Mac (laughs) Sure, Link. Yeah …
The Beakers chase Bunsen past them.
Link Hogthrob Watch it! Watch it! You're getting dust on my expensive, but tasteful, outfit.
Mac You know, that is a mighty tasteful outfit. I like it.
Link Hogthrob Oh, well, thank you. I just threw it on. Actually, I'm good at that.
Mac (pats him) You're not bad at layin' it on, either.
Link Hogthrob (nods) Why, thank you. Y'know, I just wanted to tell you, be sure and watch me in the police sketch that's coming up.
Mac Okay. You're pretty good, huh?
Link Hogthrob "Good" is not the word.
Mac Yeah, I can believe that.
Link Hogthrob "Terrific" is more the word.
Mac Well, y'know something, Link? I've always thought that you had a certain, uh …
Link Hogthrob A certain je ne sais quoi. Yeah, I know exactly what it is. Animal magnetism.
Mac Yeah. You can say that again. (strums) Uh, y'know, I've got a song that's just absolutely perfect for you. I'm gonna sing it for you. Sing along if you'd like.

Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble,
When you're perfect in every way.

Link Hogthrob You too, huh?
514 link mac.jpg
Mac I can't wait to look in the mirror …
Link Hogthrob Yeah.

'Cause I get better looking each day.
To know me is to love me.

Link Hogthrob Mm.

Well, I must be a hell of a man.
Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble,
But I'm doing the best that I can.

Link Hogthrob I know exactly what you mean.

I bet you do.
I used to have a girlfriend,
But I guess she just couldn't compete,
With all of these love-starved women,
Who keep clamoring at my feet.
Well, I probably could find me another,
But I guess they're all in awe of me
Who cares? I never get lonesome,
'Cause I treasure my own company.


Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble,
When you're perfect in every way.

Link Hogthrob

I can't wait to look in the mirror,
'Cause I get better looking each day.


To know him is to love him.
Well, he must be a hell of a pig.

Link Hogthrob

Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble,
When you're blessed with a talent this big.

Mac Oh… come on, everybody, join in.
The other Muppets gather around and join him.
Mac & gang

Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble β€” ("When you're perfect" β€”)
When you're perfect in every way. ("I can't wait to look in the mirror" β€”)
I can't wait to look in the mirror,
'Cause I get better looking each day. (To know me is to what?)
To know me is to love me. ("I must be a hell of a man" β€”)
I must be a hell of a man. ("Oh, lord, it's hard" β€”)
Oh, lord, it's hard to be humble … (What are we doin'?)
We're doing the best that we can. (One more time, I didn't hear you β€”)
We're doing the best that we can.
(All right!)

Applause. Mac and the Muppets chatter as the Beakers look on.
514 beakers listen.jpg

UK spot

Rowlf, sitting at the piano, finishes lighting the candelabra. He blows out the match and discards it.
Rowlf And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to play at this time, (reads sheet music) … "Liebster, yay-zu mein verlanger" … by Johann Sebastian Batch. Er … that's "Bach". Woof woof.
He opens the piano and begins playing "Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring". As he plays, Beauregard comes onstage with a bucket. He sets the bucket down, then fetches his mop.
Rowlf Beauregard, what are you doing?
514 rowlf beauregard.jpg
Beauregard Oh, I promised Kermit I would clean.
Rowlf You can't clean out here.
Beauregard Well β€” I'll clean back there, then.
Rowlf continues playing. Beau rubs the piano with a rag and sprays an aerosol can.
Rowlf Beau!
Beauregard I'm only dusting.
Rowlf (coughs) Get outta here!
Beauregard (yelps, runs off)
Rowlf continues playing. Beau starts dusting the piano's insides.
Beauregard I'm only feather-dusting.
He accidentally knocks the piano lid shut. Rowlf facepalms. Applause.
Beauregard Oh no β€” oh no! I'm going to Oxford! (runs off)

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef dancing with two wooden ladles.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … BΓΈrk bΓΈrk bΓΈrk!
He tosses the ladles.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de lΓ«ttΓΌce sΓΈΓΌp. …
He lifts the lid off the pot and does a take when he sees Bunsen inside.
514 bunsen chef.jpg
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, please, Mr. Chef, sir! I'm hiding in here. My assistant Beaker is ganging up on me!
The Chef is approached by Beaker. Bunsen hides.
Beaker (meeps)
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish: "He went that-a way.")
The Chef directs the Beakers elsewhere. Bunsen peeks out, and one of the Beakers spies him.
Swedish Chef Øh. Øh nø.
The Beakers chase the pot around the kitchen. The scene ends in chaos.

Dressing room

Mac sings and hambones.

Poor boy don't need 'lectronics to make no Rock n Roll.
Poor boy got boogie woogie born right in his soul.

There's a knock on the door.
Mac Come in.
The Beaker gang enters.
Mac Oh, great. You must be the background singers I sent for. I sure hope you're all in good voice today.
The Beakers tune up.
Mac Wait, wait, wait. Hold it β€” hold it. I tell you what β€” instead of singing along, why don't you just "eef" along with me? I'll show you what I'm talking about β€” (hambones)

Poor boy got rhythm. Poor boy got blues.
Poor boy got boogie woogie born right in his shoes.
Now watch this β€” (eefs)
Now you do it.

The Beakers faint.
Mac Oh well. At least I don't have to listen to 'em sing anymore.

Bear on Patrol

The opening sequence plays.
Announcer And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol.
Open on Link reading a Gunfighters comic book. Fozzie brings Beaker in.
Fozzie All right, you, c'mon! C'mon! Go, go, go β€” sir! I just booked this person on an 803.
Link Hogthrob Oh! He could get twenty years for that.
Fozzie Yes, sir!
Link Hogthrob What's an 803?
Fozzie Sir, it's making funny noises in public.
Beaker (meeps)
Link Hogthrob Make that twenty-five years. Did you read him his rights?
Fozzie Uh β€” no, not yet, sir. (to Beaker) Okay! Listen β€” you have the right to remain silent.
Beaker (meeps)
Fozzie Sir, I don't think he understands.
Link Hogthrob Uh, let me handle it. (to Beaker) You have the right to remain stupid.
Fozzie Ha ha ha ha ha.
Link Hogthrob Lock him up, Patrol Bear.
Fozzie Yes, sir! Alright, you, you move into that jail cell, you! That's it! Get in there! All right.
Another Beaker enters, carrying a briefcase.
Link Hogthrob Patrol Bear! I told you to lock him up!
Fozzie Buβ€” but, but sir, I did!
Beaker #2 sets the briefcase down.
Link Hogthrob Yeah, but β€”
Fozzie Well, wait, wait, look β€” the briefcase.
Beaker #2 (meeps)
Fozzie It must be his lawyer.
Beaker #2 (meeps)
Fozzie What's he saying?
Link Hogthrob I don't know. Who understands lawyer talk? Lock him up, Patrol Bear.
Fozzie Yes, sir! Get in there, you! Get in there!
Two more Beakers enter and walk up to Link.
Fozzie All right, both of you, just stay there.
Link Hogthrob Patrol Bear, they've escaped!
Fozzie But β€” but they haven't! Look! They're in there!
Link Hogthrob Uh β€” uh β€” it must be mirrors! I'd like a head count! Now bring those two outta there.
Fozzie Yes, sir! Alright, you two, get out there! Let's get a head count. C'mon. Move it. Everybody line up. C'mon, line up. This is serious business. Alright, one, two, three, four …
Link Hogthrob Five, six, seven … eight? Uh …
514 bear on patrol.jpg
Fozzie Yes! Aaah-ha-ha!
They flee for the cell and lock themselves in.
Beakers (meeping)
Link Hogthrob Well, we're safe here.
Fozzie That was quick thinking.
Link Hogthrob Well, that's why I'm sergeant.
The Beakers pop up and surround the two, who scream.


Bunsen wanders backstage wearing a disguise. Beakers pop up in various places, but when he looks around for them, they duck out of sight. Kermit taps him on the shoulder.
Kermit Uh, excuse me β€”
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew (yelps)
Kermit Uh, the mustache-twirling contest has been canceled this week.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Shhh! I am not what I appear to be, Mr. Kermit. It is really I, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, and I'm hiding from my assistant Beakers.
Kermit Well β€” why are all of him mad at you?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew I don't know. I've always been a regular sweetie to each of him.
Kermit (nods) Mmm. Well, the secret of your identity is safe with me.
The Beakers pop up and surround them.
Kermit Uh, I think I'd better, uh, introduce Mac Davis. (goes onstage)
514 bunsen.jpg
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Excuse me! (ducks)
Beakers (meeping)

"I Believe in Music"

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, our very special guest star, Mr. Mac Davis! YAAAAY!
The Muppet Show band plays a fanfare as Mac comes out to applause.
Mac Thank you. Y'know, I've had a wonderful time doing The Muppet Show tonight. But there's a part of β€” of the show that never seems to get enough attention, as far as I'm concerned. I'm gonna take care of that right now β€” I want a big round of applause for the band.
Mac Yay!
Floyd That's nice of you to notice, Mac.
Animal Nice Mac! Nice Mac!
Zoot Yeah, that's mighty big of you.
Animal Big Mac! Big Mac! Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Mac (sits down) Would you guys join in with me on a song I wrote a long time ago? I sure would appreciate it.
Rowlf Oh, it'd be our pleasure, Mac.
Floyd You lay it down, we'll pick it up.
514 music 1.jpg
Mac sings "I Believe in Music". It's a number that even Statler and Waldorf can get into.
514 music 2.jpg
During the number, the band is slowly replaced by Beakers.
Mac Now what do we believe in, audience? Let me hear you real loud.
Audience Love!
Mac I believe in you! (to Beakers) I believe in you two.
He kisses one on the nose, and begins imitating them.


Kermit Okay! Well, that's just about the end of another magical Muppet medley of mirth and misery. But before we go, let us say thank you to a very special guest star, ladies and gentlemen β€”
The Beakers surround him.
Kermit Wait a minute β€” where's Mac Davis? Mac Davis!
Mac Here I am, Kermit. Here I am.
Kermit Oh! YAAAYY!
Applause. Mac drags Bunsen onstage; Bunsen wears a Beaker disguise.
Mac I want you to know it's been a real pleasure doing your show. I really have enjoyed it.
Kermit Oh, good. But, uh, who is this?
514 closing.jpg
Mac Oh β€” this guy I caught in my dressing room. I thought he looked suspicious.
Kermit (Uh, Why?)
Mac Well, he's wearing a disguise. See?
He reveals Bunsen's face, and the Beakers begin chasing Bunsen.
Beakers (meeping)
Kermit Bunsen! What are you doing, Bunsen? Uh, well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Miss Piggy What's going on?
The chase continues as the closing theme begins. The multiple Beakers take over all of the band's instruments, and they appear in the balcony in place of Statler and Waldorf.