Muppet Wiki

Kermiteye.png Welcome to Muppet Wiki!

Please visit Special:Community to learn how you can contribute.


Muppet Wiki

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 515: Carol Burnett.

Cold open

Pops dances.
Pops Ohh, whoopee. Heh heh heh!
Carol enters.
Carol Hello!
Pops Uh, who are you?
Carol Well, I'm Carol Burnett and I'm supposed to be doing The Muppet Show tonight.
Pops Hey! Carol Burnett! Boy, are you in luck!
Carol Oh — why, has the show been canceled?
Pops (chuckles) No, we're having a dance marathon tonight! See? I've got my number and everything! (displays a "31" on his back)
Carol A dance marathon. My, what a fresh idea. Uh, it's after the show, I suppose, huh?
Pops No — during.
Carol Oh. During? You mean, while I'm supposed to be doing my sketches and my songs, there's going to be a dance marathon going on?
Pops Well, yeah, but don't worry. You won't bother us.
Carol Why did I know you were going to say that?
WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
515 cold open.jpg
Gonzo Terrific! Another contestant! What number would you like?
Carol (picks up the phone) My agent's. I don't believe this.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show -- (glances up) -- with our very special guest star, Carol Burnett! Yaaaay!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
Gonzo's trumpet sounds like an air raid siren.
515 trumpet.jpg

Dance marathon

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show! Now first, the good news: our guest star tonight is probably the greatest comedienne, Miss Carol Burnett! (audience aahs) Yes! And now the bad news: I let Gonzo talk me into doing a dance marathon.
Gonzo Yowza, yowza, yowza! (blows a whistle) Hit it, boys!
The curtain opens to reveal couples dancing in a ballroom as a band plays an instrumental of "I'm Just Wild About Harry".
515 gonzo introduction.jpg
Gonzo Round and round the couples go, till they drop and that's the show!
The band plays, and the couples dance.
Frackle (#10) Hey, hey, you know what sea monsters eat?
Frackle (#32) I give up.
Frackle (#10) Fish and ships! (laughs)
Woman (#36) Why do we keep dancing around in a circles?
Pirate (#62) Because, me wooden leg be screwed to the floor.
Old man (#17) I've put my golfing shoes on by mistake and my feet are killing me!
Zelda Rose (#80) Oh? Why?
Old man (#17) I've put them on inside out. (groans)
Kermit This is just like our regular "At the Dance" spot.
Gonzo Yes, but it goes on for EVER! Ha ha! Yowza yowza!
515 statler and waldorf.jpg
Waldorf Say, Statler, what's the first prize?
Statler Three weeks away from The Muppet Show.
Upon realizing this, they immediately partner up.


The dancing continues backstage. Carol comes out of her dressing room and looks around.
Carol Kermit? Kermit.
Kermit Uh, yes, Carol?
Carol Could I talk to you for a minute?
Kermit Uh, sure. What?
Carol Well, I'm a little —
Gonzo Why aren't you dancing?
Carol Well, I — (to Kermit) Why aren't you dancing?
Kermit (stammers) Uh — well, I — I don't have a partner.
Carol Ah. Well — (to Gonzo) I don't have a partner.
515 no partner.jpg
Gonzo Well, that's okay.
Carol Well, good, then you'll excuse me from dancing.
Gonzo No, I'll find you a partner. (zips away)
Carol Kermit, I really don't want to hurt your feelings. Don't misunderstand me, but this is one of the three worst shows I've ever seen.
Kermit Well — what were the other two?
Carol There are no other two. I was just being kind.
Gonzo re-emerges with Animal.
Gonzo Here's your partner.
Animal growls. Carol screams.
515 animal.jpg
Carol What is it?
Kermit Uh, well, that's Animal.
Carol Well — I knew it wasn't vegetable or mineral. Can you give me any other clues?
Gonzo Animal is your partner.
Animal PARTNER!!
Carol Oh, no, no, now look, look, I am not dancing.
Animal bombards her towards the stage.
Carol I'm dancing. I'm dancing. Nice Animal. Nice. Nice.
Kermit Uh, couldn't you have found her another partner?
Gonzo Well, everybody else is taken care of. Except you. (chuckles)
Kermit Uh — listen, I never really learned how to dance.
Gonzo Oh, relax! I'll lead.
Kermit What?
515 kermit dances.jpg
Gonzo You look lovely tonight.

"Watch What Happens"

Gonzo and Kermit dance their way to the stage.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen —
An air raid siren is heard. The music stops.
Gonzo Oh, it's a rest period!
The lights dim and the curtain closes. Kermit dodges the curtain.
Kermit Okay, uh, good timing back there. Uh, uh, stand by, Carol, everything's going to be okay! Uh, uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, not only a brilliant comedienne, but also a great actress and singer, Miss Carol Burnett! YAAAAYY!
The curtain opens on Carol. As she sings "Watch What Happens", the dancers return, throwing her off-guard.
Gonzo (blows whistle) EVERYBODY POLKA!
The tempo changes as she tries to sing.
Carol Wait a minute — this is not the right tempo. This — this is a ballad thing where I'm supposed to pour my heart out — this really isn't … (continues singing) — Will you stop it?!
The music stops. The dancers pause.
Carol Just knock it off, you turkeys!
515 carol interrupted.jpg
Carol Now … hear me and hear me good. If you think I have come here to be made a fool of, by you … nitwits … you have cobwebs in the windmills of your mind. Now just SHUT UP!

Let someone give his heart,
Someone who cares like…

Gonzo (blows whistle) HEY! CAN-CAN!
The dancers begin to can-can.
Carol Meeeeeeeeee…
Carol (winces) Oh no…
Carol Kermit? KERMIT!


The dancing continues backstage.
Gonzo (blows whistle) Change tempo! Let's do the Twist! Haha!
The band plays an instrumental of "Let's Twist Again".
515 two partners.jpg
Miss Piggy Kermie! Haha! You don't have a dancing partner, and neither do I!
Kermit Uh, no, no, no — uh, forget it, Piggy, I will not dance with you.
Gonzo Of course he won't. (nuzzles up to Kermit) He's my partner.
Kermit (flinches) Uhhhh — uh, Piggy, let's dance!
They twist away from Gonzo. Carol drags Kermit backstage.
Carol Okay, frog, let's talk.
Kermit Uh, now, now Carol, I, I realize that that first number was a little shaky.
Carol Shaky? SHAKY?? (rattles Kermit) You call that number SHAKY?!? Oh! (bursts into tears)
515 carol cries.jpg
Carol Sorry, Kermit, I'm sorry I've been scary, it's cause I'm so upset, that's all, I mean *sniff* after all, you promised me a variety show — where's all the songs? Where are all the dances?
Gonzo (whoosh!) Where's your partner?
Animal (whisks her away) PARTNER! PARTNER!!
Carol OH NO!!…
Kermit Carol?
Carol Kermit, what are you going to do about this??
Kermit Don't worry, Carol, the rest of the show will be great! Uh, Gonzo, quick, what's on stage now?
Gonzo What else? Dancing! (blows whistle)

At the Dance

The "At the Dance" music plays as the dancing continues.
Carol I uh, I don't suppose there are any more at home like you, huh?
Animal bounces.
Whatnot (#34) You know the first thing we should do if we win this dance marathon?
Whatnot (#11) No, what?
Whatnot (#34) Stop dancing, dummy!
515 at the dance.jpg
Carol … Nice quiet foxtrot. What else could happen?
Animal TWO THREE DIP! AAAHHHH— (knocks Carol over)
Annie Sue dances with Link.
Annie Sue Link, what time is it?
515 link.jpg
He looks at his watch, spilling his champagne glass.
Link Hogthrob Uh, s' about um… uh … could somebody clean up the floor out here?
The Cleaning Lady comes out as Gonzo blows the whistle again and the music switches to a tango. A bird couple slips on the floor while she mops it.
Carol Wonder who the old bat with the mop is?
Animal gets buried in her gown as they tango. She fishes him out.
Carol You really are an animal.
Animal Ahahahaha. (they resume dancing)
Gonzo Yowza, yowza, yowza! Aren't these contestants putting on a great show? Come on, come on, put on a great show!
He blows the whistle, and the band starts playing "12th Street Rag".
Gonzo That's it, that's it! (checks his watch) We're six grueling minutes into this marathon … and still these contestants can really tear things up. But! How long can it last? (looks around) The bone-deadening fatigue will soon start to take its toll. … Soon every step will bring terrible agony. The muscles rebel! The mind goes numb! The hideous torture of never-ending pain and torment will re —
A Whatnot couple collapses on him. He gets up.
515 first dropout.jpg
Gonzo Ladies and gentlemen, our first dropouts! Haha! Give these kids a hand!


Kermit Uh, Scooter, get those dancers offstage! Beauregard, get that scenery onstage! Come on now, move it!
Gonzo (whoosh!) What's that scenery?
Kermit Uh — I promised Carol a variety show, and she's gonna get one! That's Pigs in Space.
Gonzo But what about the dance marathon?
515 backstage link.jpg
Link Hogthrob (dancing with Strangepork) Oh, don't worry.
Dr. Julius Strangepork Ja, we worked out a compromise! Hee hee hee!

Pigs in Space

Announcer And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Open with a close-up of a disco ball, zooming out to reveal that it's in the galaxy outside the vehicle.
Announcer In our last episode, the crew of the Swinetrek had captured a weird alien creature.
515 pigs in space.jpg
As Piggy examines the creature, Link and Strangepork dance to an instrumental of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon".
Miss Piggy Link? Uh — Strangepork? Will you two quit fooling around and help me communicate with this weird alien creature?
Dr. Julius Strangepork Well, why don't you dance with him? Dance is the universal language.
Miss Piggy Oh, thanks a lot, Strangepork — AAH!
The creature starts dancing with her as she shrieks.
Link Hogthrob I think she's beginning to communicate with the alien.
Miss Piggy Help!
Dr. Julius Strangepork What's he saying?
Creature Mmm! Hungry! (devours Piggy)
Link Hogthrob Well, look on the bright side. She'll probably be happier in there. (laughs)
Dr. Julius Strangepork Mm, I know we'll be happier out here! (they laugh)
Gonzo (whoosh!) Miss Piggy, you'll be disqualified for not dancing!
515 pigs in space 2.jpg
Miss Piggy Aw, come off it, Gonzo!
Gonzo There are no exceptions to the rules.
Miss Piggy Oh, all right, all right! (dances inside the creature's stomach) One, two, one, two, one and two, one and two,
Gonzo Fred and Ginger were never better.
Announcer Tune in next time for INDIGESTION IN SPACE!

UK spot

We return to the dance floor.
Gonzo Yowza, yowza. Welcome back to the dance marathon. Our contestants are rested and relaxed and ready to give you a great show!
Man (#13) Ready to give you a punch in the eye!
Gonzo (laughs) He's a great sport, huh, folks? So, here we go! (blows whistle) It's polka time!
Man (#13) Oh, great! I know a terrific polka!
They all start dancing and attacking each other.
Man (#13)

When you want to show your love,
Give your love a little shove!

515 polka.jpg
Dancers Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Zelda Rose (#80)

In between the fancy spins,
Kick your partner in the shins!

Dancers Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Old man (#17)

Don't forget, before you stop,
Try a quick karate chop!
It beats the Carioca!


Any PM, any AM,
Can be the merry month of mayhem!
So dance the Poke Me Polka!

Zelda Rose (#80) Point your finger, jab a little jab!
Man (#13) Stab a little stab!
Lady (#89) And GRAB a little grab!
Old man (#17) Find a spot and pinch a little flab!
Lady (#89) If the party's drab, then call yourself a cab!
Man (#13)

Reach right out and grab your partner's wrist!
Give the wrist a twist till she says

Zelda Rose (#80) OWWW!
Old man (#17) Stomp upon his toes and punch him in the nose!
Dancers You've got the rhythm now!
A dog joins the dancers and band, who jump and yelp.

Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf! Arf!
Come dance the Poke Me Polka!
Don't forget, before you stop,
Try a quick karate chop!
It beats the Carioca!
Any PM, any AM,
Can be the merry month of mayhem!
So dance the Poke Me Polka!

Dog Arf arf!
The music stops, and the scene ends in chaos. Applause.

Dance marathon

Gonzo (blows whistle) Everybody dance!
The band plays a slow song.
Whatnot (#34) Ohh! I hope this is over pretty soon!
Whatnot (#11) Not me.
Whatnot (#34) What?
Whatnot (#11) After it's over, I promised my wife I'd take her to the disco.
Young frog (#20) Uh, you know they say that dancing can add years to your life?
Old frog (#28) Absolutely true.
Young frog (#20) Well, how do you know?
Old frog (#28) I'm 23 years old.
Gonzo approaches the cleaning lady as she sways.
Gonzo I told you, nobody on the floor except dance contestants.
She reveals a #37 on her backside.
Gonzo Oh yeah? Where's your partner?
She displays a #58 on her mop.
515 kermit piggy.jpg
Kermit I don't think I can dance another step.
Miss Piggy Oh! Well, during the next rest period, why not come up to my dressing room then, and… I'll loosen your collar and uh, heh, put you on the couch...
Kermit Uhh, did we come here to dance or to talk?
An ambulance siren is heard.
Gonzo Keep dancing! It is not a rest period! That was just another ambulance arriving. (blows whistle) Everybody limbo!
The band plays a Latin rhythm as the dancers wiggle under a limbo stick.

Dressing room

Meanwhile, a frustrated Carol packs her bag, sniffling.
Kermit Uh — excuse me, Carol, the door was open, and I just thought —
Carol Yeah. Yeah, you bet it's open. You bet it's open, Kermit. Because as soon as I'm packed, I'm going to be out that door like a shot. (sobs) I have never, ever been so humiliated and embarrassed in my whole life. How could you do this to me?
Kermit Uh, well, gee, Carol, don't take it personally. I mean, things have happened to other guests before.
Carol Other guests?!? Other guests — what, Julie Andrews?? She must have gone on for days and days! (mocks her) "The hills are alive with the sound of music …"
Kermit No, she didn't sing that. She sang "When You Were a Tadpole and I Was a Fish".
Carol Same thing.
Kermit Same thing?
Carol I tell you, Kermit, I am leaving, and that's it. I'm very sorry.
Kermit (over another siren) Uh, bu-but Carol, you gotta stay. I'll work out something where you can uh, where you can…
Carol No … no, I'm sorry, there is nothing you can say that will make me change my mind.
Kermit Oh, but gee, Carol, I just did want you to do your asparagus sketch.
Carol … My what?
Kermit Uh, well, I … I really wanted you to do your famous "lonely asparagus" sketch.
Carol (suddenly overjoyed) Oh, Kermit! Kermit, do you really mean that?
Kermit Yes. (nods)
Carol Oh, Kermit! When?
Kermit Oh, well, uh — soon! Right now.
Carol I'll change. (goes behind the board)
Scooter Hey Kermit, they need you downstairs.
Kermit Oh, okay.
515 dressing room.jpg
Carol Ta-da!
Scooter Hey, mister, you're in the wrong place. They're doing the vegetable soup commercial next door!
Carol Mister? I'll have you know I am a lady!
She whacks him, sending him flying out the door backstage. He gets up, cross-eyed, then faints.
515 scooter cross-eyed.jpg

"But Not for Me"

Another siren is heard.
Gonzo Everybody dance!
The band plays a swing tune. Pan over to the cleaning lady, who sings "But Not for Me". Applause.
515 janitor.jpg
Waldorf There's no room to dance up here.
Statler Sure there is. Do the box-trot!
They chuckle.


Another siren is heard. A giddy Carol makes her way downstairs.
Gonzo Rest period!
Carol Woo-hoo! Kermit! Yoo-hoo! Okay! Now, huh? Now?
Kermit Uh, well, yeah, well, now what, Carol?
Carol Now! Now it's time for my "lonely asparagus" sketch.
Kermit Oh! Oh yeah! Sure, yeah. Well, as soon as the dance marathon is over.
Gonzo This is only a rest period.
Carol Well — when will the marathon be over?
515 rest period.jpg
Gonzo As soon as everybody collapses on the floor and can't move.
Carol Of course!
She removes his whistle, takes off her hat and plops it on Kermit.
Carol For land sakes, how do you expect that to happen if you keep giving them rest periods?
She makes her way to the stage.

"I Was Made for Dancin'"

Carol Okay, everybody — let's disco!
She blows the whistle, and the band plays a disco beat.
Carol Come on, the rest period is over. (baby-talk) Time for you to dance those little tootsies off, because you wanna win, don't you? Yes, of course you do! Here we go! Good!
She sings "I Was Made for Dancin'".
Carol (to #17 and #80) That's it — no, you can go faster, because if you go faster, you see, you're liable to win! (they collapse) Good. (to a parrot couple) Now you can go faster. That's right, you can dance now more easily. Good. We're watching ya. (to a baby couple) C'mon, c'mon, you little darlings, you're so young, you shouldn't be tired! You can go faster! Yeah, that's right, just — (they faint) — speed it up! (to #11 and #34) Oh, good! Yeah! Faster, faster, faster, faster!
She blows the whistle, and a pair of penguins drop. As she continues the song, the tempo increases, and more and more dancers fall until they've all collapsed, except for one blue Whatnot couple. Applause.
Carol All right! This is the winning couple! And now, onto the "lonely asparagus" sketch! (dons her hat) Thank you so much.


Kermit Well, we've danced our troubles away — maybe. But before we go, let us thank our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, the queen of comedy, CAROL BURNETT! YAAAAYYY!
She emerges, tugging her ear.
Carol Thank you so much, but hey — (whistles) woo-oo! Hold it! You ain't seen nothing yet. Now, it's time for my "lonely asparagus" sketch.
Gonzo (whoosh!) Wait! First we have to award the prize to the winning dancers!
515 robot dancers.jpg
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh, actually, I'll take the prize. These winners are really robots I invented in Muppet Labs.
Gonzo Robots?! It's against the rules! No prize will be given.
The outraged dancers chase him offstage.
Dancers Get him! Get him!
Carol Kermit, Kermit — Kermit, I don't care about all this. When do I get to do my sketch?
Kermit Uh, I'm sorry, but we're out of time right now. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Carol OUT OF TIME?!?
Kermit (stammers)
She straddles him. Gonzo runs away from the dancers.
Carol You promised me that I could do the sketch!! I was on my way out the door … LOOK AT ME! You gave me your word!
The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll. In place of the Statler & Waldorf button, Carol attempts to do her sketch…
515 asparagus 2.jpg
Carol O, what a sad and lonely asparagus am I! Most of my hollandaise are behind me …
The band finishes the theme.
Carol Oh, rats.