I'm the guest on The Muppet Show this week. I'm Gladys Knight.
Pops
Oh, me too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day. [laughs] Oh, I hope you didn't mind that.
Gladys
It's okay. I allow one per show.
Pops
Okay, come on in. But be careful. See, there's a fella up there fixing the roof. (looks up) Hey! Be careful up there, we've got an important guest here!
Worker 1
Who?
Pops
She's Gladys Knight.
Worker 1
Yeah, so am I! It means I'm into overtime. [laughs]
She shakes the ladder.
Worker 1
Hey, I was only funning, lady! (he falls down) Oof!
Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Behind him, a workman handles a rope.
Kermit
Uh, you may notice some workmen around, and that's because we're having our leaky roof fixed. Uh, but they won't interfere with the show.
The workman is pulled up by the rope.
Kermit
Um … anyhow, it's going to be a wonderful show because our guest star is the dynamic Gladys Knight! Yes! But first...
A bucket of nails on a rope falls from the ceiling and hangs beside him.
Kermit
Will you get this bucket of nails out of here?? (the bucket is raised) But first, this …
A trio of Whatnot archaeologists enter an Egyptian tomb singing "Night and Day". Inside, they are greeted by three sarcophagi, who join them in song. The caskets open to reveal three mummies, one of whom is Gonzo wrapped in bandages, and whisper some of the tune, inhaling incense.
Archaeologist
Look at them. I think they're glad to see us.
Sarcophagus
When you've been stood up for 4000 years, you're glad to see anybody.
The nine of them join to finish the song together.
Statler
Well, those mummies didn't exactly bring the house down.
Some rubble falls near them.
Waldorf
No, the roofers are handling that.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Worker 2
Uh, are you the frog?
Kermit
Uh, of course I'm the frog. Uh, what's that piece of wood?
Worker 2
Oh, well it's not just any old piece of wood. This is the piece of wood that holds up the roof. It's rotten.
Kermit
Uh, wait a second. If that's the piece that holds up the roof, what's holding up the roof?
Worker 2
My foreman.
Kermit
He's holding the roof up?
Worker 2
Yes. Or, rather, no.
He falls from the roof. Some rubble comes down with him.
Kermit
Uh, listen, guys. I've got to go introduce Gladys Knight. Uh, can you get this fixed?
Worker 3
Not me, there's something about heights I don't like.
Kermit
Uh, what's that?
Worker 3
Falling from them. (coughs)
Kermit rushes on-stage.
"Friendship Train"[]
Kermit
Okay, well folks, it's time now to meet our very special guest. So, here she is putting the show on the right track and choo-choo'ing into your station, let's say "all aboard" as we stop, look, and listen to Miss Gladys Knight, yaaay!
There's gonna be more than that falling on your head. Where's that barometer?
They all look up as the announcer speaks.
Announcer
And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf
He must be on a cloud.
Announcer
Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Hail falls from the sky.
Miss Piggy
Dr. Bob, it's getting worse. It's beginning to hail.
Rowlf
Hail?
Patient
[singing] ...the gang's all here. What the heck do we…
Piggy/Rowlf/Janice
Oh, shut up!
UK spot[]
A caveman, backed up by prehistoric pigs, sings "Alley Oop". Animal chases around a bear and Butch with a club, but at the end, he's pulled off stage by a brontosaurus.
Waldorf
Oh, that number goes back a long ways.
Statler
Well, it didn't go back far enough. I could still see it.
"God Bless the Child"[]
Gladys stands by the piano as Rowlf plays.
Gladys
Oh, that's a nice blues, Rowlf.
Rowlf
Mmm. It's easy to have the blues when you don't have a roof over your head. (looks up)
Gladys
True enough.
Rowlf
Actually, this is a little number by my favorite blues singer, Fat Mama Jefferson.
Gladys
Fat Mama Jefferson … uh, I don't remember her. Was she a Black woman?
Rowlf
No.
Gladys
A white woman?
Rowlf
Actually, she was spotted.
Gladys
I beg — Come on, wait a minute. Don't tell me she was a dog.
Rowlf
(nods) Boy, could she sing the blues. (Gladys laughs) She was a basset hound.
Gladys
Okay, I remember her now. Didn't she write that classic, "I Won't Hang My Head In Shame 'Cause I Step On My Ears When I Do"?
Rowlf
That's Fat Mama, all right. But that doesn't sound like your kind of song.
Gladys
Well, not exactly. I lean more toward uh, Ma Rainey, Dinah Washington … Billie Holiday.
Rowlf
Hey … Billie Holiday. (starts playing) Boy, she sang some great songs.
Oh no, fog. That's the last straw. Hey, hey, Scooter? Would you take over for me for a minute? Uh, I've got to go see if I can do something about that roof.
Scooter
Okay, chief. (through the intercom) Signor Baffi on next!
Fozzie
Oh, boy. Look at this. Oh, Scooter, Scooter. Do you think there's room for my monologue in the show?
Scooter
Oh, afraid not, Foz. Uh, but you can be in the next number. Yeah, Signor Baffi's assistant didn't show up.
Fozzie
Oh, terrific. You won't be sorry. What do I do?
Scooter
Well, uh, can you go out and stand on stage and smile?
Fozzie
Can I! Can a fly bird? … Can a bird fly. Trust me. (heads on-stage)
Scooter
Oh uh, Signor Baffi?
Signor Baffi
Uh, what?
Scooter
Uh, you're on as soon as I introduce you. Say uh, this fog isn't going to interfere with your knife throwing, is it?
Signor Baffi
Oh, no. I'm'a aim'a by the sound anyway. You just tell the target to keep'a yelling.
Scooter
Yeah.
Signor Baffi
This'a the stage?
Scooter
Uh, no no. This way, Signor Baffi.
Signor Baffi
Oh, oh. Thank you.
Signor Baffi / Backstage[]
Scooter
And now, the act you've all been waiting for: the one and only Signor Baffi and his flashing knives of death!
The curtain opens to a foggy stage. Baffi and Fozzie walk around aimlessly as lively circus music plays.
Signor Baffi
Oh, where's'a my target?
Scooter
Hey, Fozzie. Are you there?
Signor Baffi
Oh, what?
Fozzie
Yes sir!
Signor Baffi
What?
He throws some knives in Fozzie's direction, just missing him.
Fozzie
Wha-huh-huh! There's- there's somebody throwing knives at me!
Statler
Bravo!
Signor Baffi
Hey, where are you?
His next knife lands in the balcony, inches away from Statler and Waldorf. They duck.
Waldorf
(whispers) Quiet! (Statler nods)
Kermit
Scooter, you have to be crazy to send a knife thrower out in a fog like this.
WHAP! Another knife lands inches from Kermit's head.
Fozzie
Kermit, help!
Kermit
Fozzie, don't yell!
WHAP! Another knife lands inches from Kermit's head.
Kermit
Beauregard, close the curtain!
Beauregard
What did you say, Kermit?
WHAP! Another knife lands on the rope holding the curtain, bringing it down.
Beauregard
Hey!
Backstage, the fog is so thick you could cut it with one of Baffi's knives.
Scooter
Oh, good news, chief.
Kermit
Yeah?
Scooter
I think I feel a breeze coming up.
Kermit
Oh, we could use some good news around here.
Fozzie
Kermit, help! Help, hide me. There's this madman throwing knives at me.
Kermit
Uh, uh, well don't worry, Fozzie. It's all over now.
He throws another knife. WHAP! It hits the staircase. Fozzie runs away screaming. Just then, the wind starts blowing all the papers away, as well as the fog.
Kermit
Oh, boy. There goes the running order. Now, how do I know which act is next?
Scooter
When in doubt, go with a star.
Kermit
Uh, you're right. Uh, go tell Gladys she's on next, okay?
They both go their separate ways. Baffi is blown away by the wind.
"I Heard It Through the Grapevine"[]
Kermit
Uh, uh, uh, well ladies and gentlemen, I think the wind is about to die down here. Um, here she is with one of her greatest hits, a lady who can sing up a storm and may have to sing in one, Miss Gladys Knight, yaay!
For the closing number, Gladys sings "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" with some backup grape singers, and Zoot on sax. By the end of the number, it's snowing so profusely, that a snow bank builds up on stage around Gladys as she's singing.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Uh, well, it looks like everything's come down except the curtain. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Gladys Knight, yaaay!
Gladys re-emerges, dressed in a mink coat.
Gladys
Thanks, Kermit, it's been an evening I'll never forget.
Kermit
Oh, well, that's too bad. I was hoping you would. Uh, listen, I'm sorry about this roof business.
Gladys
Oh, that's okay. I'm dressed for it. But what about you? Aren't you cold?
Kermit
Uh, no, I'm actually wearing my thermal collar.
The grapes groan.
Kermit
Uh, but they don't look too happy out there in the vineyard.
Gladys
Oh, they're just sour grapes.
Kermit
We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The other Muppets gather around as the credits roll. Meanwhile, the snow has reached the balcony. Statler and Waldorf have their winter clothes on.