Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who usually sit up here have—
Fozzie
Died.
Kermit
Fozzie, they have not.
Fozzie
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Kermit
Uh, no, no, no. Statler and Waldorf have been telling me for years that they could put on a better show than I could.
Fozzie
Yeah.
Kermit
So, tonight they're getting their chance.
Fozzie
That's right. They are gonna be down there hosting the show and we are gonna be up here watching them.
Kermit
Right.
Fozzie
Ha, ha!
Kermit
But! But before I turn the show over to 'em, I'd just like to say that our special guest tonight is that very talented star of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr. Hal Linden!
Audience
gasps
Fozzie
He's very good! Yeah!
Kermit
Right. So, without further ado, here they are, your hosts for tonight, Statler and Waldorf! Yaay!
Fozzie
Boo! Boo!
Waldorf
Thank you for that introduction. It was very—
Statler
Long.
Waldorf
Yes, and that's the trouble with this show. Everything moves too slow.
Hal
Uh, excuse me, uh...
Statler
Hey, it's our guest star Hal Linden!
Statler and Waldorf
Yaay!
Hal
...to bother you, I'm looking for, uh, Kermit?
Waldorf
Yes, well you see, we're hosting the show tonight. He's up there.
Hal
Oh. Hi, Kermit!
Kermit
Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there. I'm just gonna sit up here and watch.
Fozzie
Hey Kermit, how come he didn't say hello to me? Hey Hal, hi, it's me!
Hal
Oh, hi Rowlf!
Fozzie
Rowlf? I'm not Rowlf!
Hal
Oh. Isn't that the dog that plays piano?
Statler
No, no. That's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage.
Hal
Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie
Uh... Rowlf. Ha. Name's Rowlf. Start piano lessons tomorrow.
Statler
Trust us Hal. This show will be good for your career. Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh, new, classy acts.
Hal
Such as?
Waldorf
Well, such as our opening number. Here, read this.
Here's a couple of young guys about to perform one of The Beatles' hit songs. Actually, we had hoped to have The Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard from any them, so...
Gee Robin, I'm sorry about your number being cancelled. But, uh, look at it this way. You could be lucky. Well, they didn't cancel my number and look what happened.
Robin
Yeah, but if I were in charge, things would be different.
Hal
Oh yeah, how so?
Robin
Well, first of all I'd pass a law against wide wheeled sports tires.
Hal
Excuse me?
Robin
Well, give narrow little frogs like me a better chance.
I knew there was something not quite kosher about this.
Backstage[]
Kermit
Very nice, Miss Piggy!
Piggy
Thank you, Kermie! blows kiss
Waldorf
Sabotaged again.
Statler
Quick Waldorf, what's on next? Check the clipboard.
Waldorf
Beauregard, why are you standing there?
Beauregard
Because this is the place where I stopped walking.
Statler
Go do something useful.
Beauregard
Check.
Waldorf
Let's see, we've got, uh, Icy Gomez the Reykjavik Warbler.
Statler
No, no. He came down with the flu.
Waldorf
Then we've gotta go straight to Hal Linden's Dixieland—
Beauregard
Well, that one works.
Statler
Beau, what are you doing?
Beauregard
Something useful, like you said. I'm checking the backstage trap door releases.
Waldorf
Well, don't!
Statler
Yeah, come on, let's introduce Hal.
Waldorf
Remember Beau, don't test anymore backstage trap door releases.
Beauregard
Okay. I'll test the onstage trap door releases.
"When the Saints Go Marching In"[]
Statler
Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great comedy actor.
Waldorf
Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is a terrific musical comedy star.
Hal
Did you also know that Hal Linden is quitting this show and going home?
Statler
What?! But Hal, what about your Dixieland number?
Hal
Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland but, uh, I mean after that first number? Come on, how can you do a patriotic number with sauerkraut and Santa Clauses?
Waldorf
But Hal, we have our Dixieland band all ready to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" with you.
Statler
Yeah.
Hal
Well, are you sure nothing's gonna go wrong?
Statler
Hal, you've gotta trust us.
Hal
Alright, introduce me.
Statler
Well uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Mr. Haaaaal!—