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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 517: Hal Linden.

Cold open

Pops Bill? Bill who? Bill Collector? Never heard of him!
Hal Hi, good evening.
Pops Hey, who are you?
Hal I'm Hal Linden. I'm tonight's guest.
Pops Hal Linden. Hey, aren't you a cop?
Hal No, no. I, well I play a cop on TV. Barney Miller.
Pops Soon as you said the name, hit me like a ton of bricks.
Hal What name?
Pops Barney Miller!
bricks fall on Pops' head
Hal Nice bit of visual comedy you've got there. Don't let it go to your head, huh?


Kermit It's The Muppet Show! With our very special guest star, Hal Linden! Yaay!
"The Muppet Show Theme"

Opening number

Kermit Hi there, and welcome to The Muppet Show!
Fozzie So, this is what it's like up here, huh? Boy. Hi!
Kermit Um, uh, ladies and gentlemen, Statler and Waldorf, the two old gentlemen who usually sit up here haveโ€”
Fozzie Died.
Kermit Fozzie, they have not.
Fozzie Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Kermit Uh, no, no, no. Statler and Waldorf have been telling me for years that they could put on a better show than I could.
Fozzie Yeah.
Kermit So, tonight they're getting their chance.
Fozzie That's right. They are gonna be down there hosting the show and we are gonna be up here watching them.
Kermit Right.
Fozzie Ha, ha!
Kermit But! But before I turn the show over to 'em, I'd just like to say that our special guest tonight is that very talented star of Broadway and TV's Barney Miller, Mr. Hal Linden!
Audience gasps
Fozzie He's very good! Yeah!
Kermit Right. So, without further ado, here they are, your hosts for tonight, Statler and Waldorf! Yaay!
Fozzie Boo! Boo!
Waldorf Thank you for that introduction. It was veryโ€”
Statler Long.
Waldorf Yes, and that's the trouble with this show. Everything moves too slow.
Hal Uh, excuse me, uh...
Statler Hey, it's our guest star Hal Linden!
Statler and Waldorf Yaay!
Hal bother you, I'm looking for, uh, Kermit?
Waldorf Yes, well you see, we're hosting the show tonight. He's up there.
Hal Oh. Hi, Kermit!
Kermit Hi, Hal. You're in good hands down there. I'm just gonna sit up here and watch.
Fozzie Hey Kermit, how come he didn't say hello to me? Hey Hal, hi, it's me!
Hal Oh, hi Rowlf!
Fozzie Rowlf? I'm not Rowlf!
Hal Oh. Isn't that the dog that plays piano?
Statler No, no. That's the bear that tells bad jokes and dies on stage.
Hal Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie Uh... Rowlf. Ha. Name's Rowlf. Start piano lessons tomorrow.
Statler Trust us Hal. This show will be good for your career. Yeah, you'll be mixing with some fresh, new, classy acts.
Hal Such as?
Waldorf Well, such as our opening number. Here, read this.
Hal Geri and the Atrics?
Statler and Waldorf Yaaay!
"Who Put the Bomp (in the Bomp, Bomp, Bomp)"
Kermit Wow, great! Wonderful! That was a terrific act.
Fozzie Yeah, I know. In fact, it was just the kind of act you would have booked.
Kermit Maybe they made a mistake.


Waldorf We made a terrible mistake!
Statler Ugh. That act was so bad, the frog could have booked it.
Waldorf I thought you girls sang Sigmund Romberg tunes.
Tambourine Player Aw, get with it, you turkey! We're what's happening.
Guitar Player Next week we're appearing in the Boom Boom Room.
Tambourine Player Yeah, and you guys look like you hang out at the Wheeze Wheeze Lounge.
Gonzo I'm ready for my Mozart number.
Waldorf What, a pineapple in a Mozart number?
Gonzo Yeah, my watermellon's at the cleaners.
Waldorf Gonzo, your act has been cancelled.
Gonzo gasp, what?
Statler Yeah, but don't take it too badly. Everybody's act has been cancelled.
Waldorf Yes, tonight there'll be nothing but bright, new faces!
Statler Nothing but class and culture.
Gonzo Like what?
Statler Like the Berlin National Opera Company.
Gonzo Oh. I wonder if they'd like to rent my pineapple.

"Drinking Song"

Waldorf Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here to perform the first act finale from Siegfried is one of the world's great musical companies.
Pig Excuse me little blue person.
Gonzo Yes?
Pig The Berlin National Opera Company couldn't make it, so they sent us.
Gonzo Who are you?
Pig We are The Salzburg Sauerkraut Singers.
Statler So, here they are, the Berlin National Opera Company.
"Drinking Song"
Gonzo Boy, if they're gonna book quality acts like that, I don't have a chance.
Statler Oh, no! We've been sabotaged.
Waldorf Quick, you clean up the sauerkraut and I'll try to find an act to send on stage.
Statler Right. Beauregard!


Link Oh, we have been cancelled. Do you realize that we've been cancelled? Oh, no! We have been ca-a-ancel-el-el-ed.
Piggy Will you try and act like a grown-up? It's only for one show.
Hal Oh, uh, Link?
Link Whoah, hi Hal!
Hal Uh... Listen, uh. I feel a little strange with, uh, Kermit not in charge. Is everything, uh, you know, going all right?
Link Oh sure, yeah. So, we have been cancelled though.
Hal Cancelled?
Link Yes, we've all been cancelled.
Hal All?
Link Mm-hmm.
Hal Everybody cancelled?
Link Mm-hmm.
Hal Just like that, cancelled? I'm all set to do a number, you tell me we're cancelled?
Link Hal! Hal, try to act like a grown-up. After all, it's only for one show.
Waldorf Oh, Hal! Quick, get on stage!
Hal On stage? I thought I was cancelled.
Waldorf Of course not. You're on next!
Hal Alright, on stage.
Statler Stay off that stage!
Waldorf He's gotta go on the stage, the audience is getting restless.
Statler He can't go on the stage, it's full of sauerkraut.
Waldorf Can I talk to you a moment in private?
Hal scoff Guys, just tell me what you want me to do, I'll be glad to do it.
Beauregard Oh, good. Here, hold this sauerkraut.
Statler I'm telling ya, he can't go on until the sauerkraut's gone.
Beauregard Sauerkraut's gone!


Waldorf Moving right along...
Statler Uh, we bring you tonight's guest star, the versatile and talented Mr. Hal Linden.
Waldorf In a musical salute to our favorite holiday, Christmas.
Statler (together with Waldorf) The 4th of July.
Waldorf Christmas.
Statler No, the 4th of July.
Waldorf Yes, but I already rented the sleigh.
Statler Too bad. And, so now, for an old fashioned 4th of Julyโ€”
Waldorf Christmas.
Statler Here he is, Mr. Hal Linden. Yaaay!
"Patriotic Christmas Medley"

UK spot

Statler Here's a couple of young guys about to perform one of The Beatles' hit songs. Actually, we had hoped to have The Beatles sing it, but we haven't heard from any them, so...
Waldorf Wait a second! I just talked to Ringo.
Statler Oh, great! What did he say?
Waldorf No.
Statler So, here are these guys I was telling you about.
"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da"
Fozzie Boy, that was very good.
Kermit Yeah. You know, I don't miss me at all.

Dressing room

Hal Gee Robin, I'm sorry about your number being cancelled. But, uh, look at it this way. You could be lucky. Well, they didn't cancel my number and look what happened.
Robin Yeah, but if I were in charge, things would be different.
Hal Oh yeah, how so?
Robin Well, first of all I'd pass a law against wide wheeled sports tires.
Hal Excuse me?
Robin Well, give narrow little frogs like me a better chance.
Hal Oh, well that's true.
Robin Gee, just imagine. What if I did run things?
"If I Ruled the World"
Robin Hey, vote for us!
Hal Yeah.
Gonzo If I ruled the world, clothing would be edible!

"Just an Old Fashioned Girl"

Statler And now, for a change of pace, we take you to colorful, exciting India.
Waldorf Yes. And here singing a medley of your favorite Urdu ditties is the Bombay bombshell herself Indira Mahajira.
"Just an Old Fashioned Girl"
Statler Who is that out there? That's not Indira.
Waldorf I know. She's awful.
Statler Oh no! It's that pig.
Waldorf I knew there was something not quite kosher about this.


Kermit Very nice, Miss Piggy!
Piggy Thank you, Kermie! blows kiss
Waldorf Sabotaged again.
Statler Quick Waldorf, what's on next? Check the clipboard.
Waldorf Beauregard, why are you standing there?
Beauregard Because this is the place where I stopped walking.
Statler Go do something useful.
Beauregard Check.
Waldorf Let's see, we've got, uh, Icy Gomez the Reykjavik Warbler.
Statler No, no. He came down with the flu.
Waldorf Then we've gotta go straight to Hal Linden's Dixielandโ€”
Beauregard Well, that one works.
Statler Beau, what are you doing?
Beauregard Something useful, like you said. I'm checking the backstage trap door releases.
Waldorf Well, don't!
Statler Yeah, come on, let's introduce Hal.
Waldorf Remember Beau, don't test anymore backstage trap door releases.
Beauregard Okay. I'll test the onstage trap door releases.

"When the Saints Go Marching In"

Statler Now, we all know Hal Linden is a great comedy actor.
Waldorf Yes, and we all know that Hal Linden is a terrific musical comedy star.
Hal Did you also know that Hal Linden is quitting this show and going home?
Statler What?! But Hal, what about your Dixieland number?
Hal Well, I'd love to do some Dixieland but, uh, I mean after that first number? Come on, how can you do a patriotic number with sauerkraut and Santa Clauses?
Waldorf But Hal, we have our Dixieland band all ready to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" with you.
Statler Yeah.
Hal Well, are you sure nothing's gonna go wrong?
Statler Hal, you've gotta trust us.
Hal Alright, introduce me.
Statler Well uh, ladies and gentlemen, here is Mr. Haaaaal!โ€”
Waldorf Hal Linden! Whoah!
"When the Saints Go Marching In"


Statler Well, it looks like time's running out for us.
Waldorf Yeah, and for the show, too.
Statler So, let's bring back our wonderful guest star, Mr. Hal Linden!
Kermit Yaaay!
Hal Kermit, it's good to see you.
Statler and Waldorf It sure is.
Statler Yeah, tonight's been a disaster.
Hal Has it, really?
Kermit Gee, I thought it was a terrific show.
Hal What are you talking about? It was a lot of confusion and chaos, a lot of running around by mindless maniacs.
Fozzie Yeah, yeah. Just like any good ol' Muppet Show!
Kermit Hal, you were a big part of it.
Hal Oh, good. I'm glad I fit right in.
Waldorf Well, Kermit, the show's all yours. We're going back up to our seats in the box and stay there.
Statler Mm. We didn't know how tough it was down here. From now on, we promise never to say a bad thing about the show again.
Kermit Oh, good! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Fozzie Bye!
"Closing Theme"
Statler You know, I never liked their theme music.
Waldorf Neither did I.
Kermit You promised!