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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 518: Marty Feldman.

Cold open

Pops is snoozing at his position at the stage door. Marty Feldman peers in and walks up to Pops.
Marty (clears throat) Wake up! The British are coming! The British are coming!
Pops (wakes up, stammering) Who are you?
Marty I'm Marty Feldman. I'm British, I'm coming. Can I bring, uh, Loretta in?
Pops Oh, sure! Uh, she your wife?
Marty Well, give us a chance, we've hardly met! Come on in.
Loretta, a camel, walks in from outside.
Marty There. Come 'round the door, yeah. Kermit sent her for me.
Pops Oh, yes. Have any trouble?
Marty Well, yes. You see, I-I forgot these things run on water, so, uh, I had 'er filled up with petrol.
Pops That's terrible!
Loretta emits exhaust from her mouth.
Marty Well, it's improved her breath.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Marty Feldman! Yaaayyy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
Gonzo's horn emits a blue spirt, which plays a Middle Eastern tune.

Sinbad the Sailor

Kermit enters to applause, dressed in Arabian garb.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where we're going to devote the entire evening to the Arabian Nights!
GONGGGG! Kermit is startled by that sound effect.
Kermit And as a very special treat, our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, is the ever popular Marty Feldman! (audience aahs) Yes! And so, without further ado, let the story begin.
The curtains open on a caliph's palace room. Kermit narrates.
Kermit Once upon a time, there was an evil caliph, who had a thousand wives.
The caliph, portrayed by the Swedish Chef, sharpens his swords and hums to himself.
Kermit Every night, he would ask one of his wives to tell him a bedtime story. If he didn't like the story, he'd chop off her head. One night, a beautiful princess named Scheherazade came to his harem.
Smoking tms518 martyfeldman.jpg
Scheherazade dances in the doorway, revealed to be Marty, smoking a cigarette.
Marty (cigarette in mouth) I am the beautiful princess, Scheherazade. (breaking character) Well, this is fantasy. I mean, you've got to use your imagination.
He stomps out the cigarette and heads to the caliph.
Marty Oh, mighty caliph! I dance attendance upon your every whim. Would you like me to shake it out a bit? Or, uh, would you prefer...a bedtime story.
Swedish Chef Ja! (mock Swedish) de beddy-bye!
Marty Uh, could y-could I have that again?
Swedish Chef '(mock Swedish) de beddy-bye stoory.
Marty Uh, a bedtime story?
Swedish Chef Ja, ja, ja!
Marty Ah. I suppose you want the usual, trashy "Three Bears" or something like that.
Swedish Chef Noo, noo, noo, noo. (mock Swedish) Zinbad de Veeking.
Marty Zinbad de Zeeking?
Swedish Chef Joo, joo.
Marty S-Sinbad the Sailor!
Swedish Chef Ja, ja!
Marty You don't want that old rubbish.
Swedish Chef Oh, ja-a-a-a.
Marty You do want that old rubbish. Alright. It's gonna be a long, Arabian night, folks. Once upon a time, Zinbad the Veeking and his crew sailed to an island far, far, far away into another set.
Dissolve to a far off island, where Sinbad (Kermit) and his crew of frogs investigate and find a cave.
Kermit Ah-ha! This cave, men, contains the treasure of King Solomon!
Frog Gosh, Captain Sinbad. I'm scared! What if there's an evil genie guarding the treasure?
Kermit Don't be silly! There's so such thing as evil genies!
Suddenly, an evil genie (Sweetums) emerges from the cave, laughing maniacally.
Kermit On the other hand, you might be right.
Sweetums Okay, little froggies. I'm gonna eat you up!
Kermit No, no, no! You can't do that! You'd be making a big mistake because us frogs taste terrible!
Sweetums Even with lots of ketchup?
Kermit Even with lots of ketchup! Right, men?
Frogs (all together) Yeah! Yeah, terrible.
Kermit Have I ever been accused of good taste, men?
Frogs (all together) No! No!
Sweetums Aw, you're lucky I got no ketchup!
Back at the palace, the Swedish Chef produces a bottle of "kee-choop" for the crew.
Marty Oh, uh, no. You see, this, this all happened a thousand years ago; it's too late.
Swedish Chef Oooo...
Marty Ah, mate, don't worry. I mean, I mean, looks very good though. Very good. 1965, that was-that was a very good year for tomatoes. Cheers.
Marty takes a drink from the ketchup bottle.
Marty Mmmm. You'll be titillated by its presumption, but a little angry at its arrogance.
Kermit Uh, can we get on with it?!
Marty If you feel you absolutely have to, yeah.
Kermit Thank you. Hey, listen! Why are you guarding this treasure, anyway?
Sweetums Well, ya' see, there's this guy - Sinbad the Sailor.
The frogs all gasp.
Sweetums Yeah. Well, anyway, he goes around stealin' treasure. What's your name, anyway?
Kermit Uh, well, it's, uh...uh, Sinbad.
Sweetums WHAT?!
Kermit Uh, but it's not Sinbad the Sailor! It's Sinbad the Surfer!
Sweetums Sinbad the Surfer?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Sweetums You expect me to believe that?
Kermit Sure. Hit it, guys!
Kermit and the frogs whip out their guitar and surfboards and sing "Surfin' USA." Sweetums eventually fetches his own board and joins them.
Statler I don't think that was Sinbad.
Waldorf No, but it was certainly sung bad! (both laugh)


Some of the frogs hop past Fozzie backstage. Kermit enters.
Fozzie Hey! Terrific number, guys!
Kermit Oh, thank you!
Fozzie Hey, hang ten!
Kermit Pardon?
Fozzie Surfing expression.
Kermit Not to frogs. Frogs don't have ten toes. We got flippers.
Fozzie Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Hang...two!
Marty darts from onstage.
Kermit Uh, uh, Marty! Hey, hey, listen. Can you tell us about this next story? Because I need to know for, uh, props and casting.
Marty Oh, yeah. Well, it's very simple - all you need is a magic lamp and someone to play the part of Aladdin.
Fozzie Oh, Aladdin! Oh, I love it! I love it! What's the name of the story?
Kermit sighs.
Marty Is, uh, he with the show?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Marty It's called, uh, "Goldilocks and the Four Bears."
Fozzie Four? No, no, no, that's one bear too many.
Marty Exactly.
Fozzie ...oh. I get it. (exits)
Kermit Uh, sorry, Fozzie!
Marty I know it's tough on him now, but the audience will thank me later on. Well, who's playing the part of Aladdin? Easy part - all you have to do is rub the lamp, make a few wishes.
WHOOSH! Gonzo rushes in.
Gonzo How 'bout me?
Marty pauses and squeezes Gonzo's nose.
Kermit What do you think?
Marty Well, he certainly could use a few wishes. 'Scuse me, I've got to get back onstage.
Marty darts out.

Aladdin's Lamp

Marty runs back to the caliph.
Marty Wasn't that sensational? Wasn't that great? That was the best story that I-
The caliph chastises Scheherazade, putting his blade to her neck.
Marty (stammers) I've got a better one. Much better one. How 'bout, "Aladdin and His Magic Lamp?"
Marty's wig falls from his head.
Swedish Chef Aladdin and His Magic Loo?
Marty (babbles incoherently) Like that? Alright. (fussing with his wig) Once upon a time, there was a lad called...a lad...a lad called Aladdin and he had a magic lamp. A thousand and one nights and I have to pick this one.
Dissolve to a Middle Eastern marketplace, where Aladdin (Gonzo) spots an interesting lamp among the merchandise.
Gonzo Wow! What a terrific lamp. I'll be with a little polish, I can resell it for mucho dinero.
Gonzo rubs the lamp and nothing happens.
Gonzo (to offstage) I'm rubbing the la-amp.
Marty (inside the lamp) I didn't fe-eel it!
Genie Feldman.jpg
Gonzo continues rubbing the lamp, when FLASH! The genie, played by Marty, appears. He signals to the audience, letting them know he's in the role.
Marty I am da Genie!
FLASH! Fozzie magically appears.
Fozzie With the light, brown bear! (laughs)
Marty causes Fozzie to disappear again.
Marty I just granted myself a wish. You won't see him again. Now, Aladdin, young master, what is your first wish? How 'bout a nose job?
Gonzo Of course not. I want to be become a sultan with a harem of dancing girls.
Marty You're not as weird as I thought.
Gonzo Very special dancing girls.
Gonzo whispers into Marty's ear. The two go into hysterics.
Marty I take it back. You're even weirder. Then, let it be so, then so be it!
Marty grants his wish. Gonzo now appears as a sultan in his den.
Gonzo Wow, this is terrific! Bring on the dancing girls!
A trio of dancing chickens, dressed as harem girls, appear.
Gonzo Woo-woo-woo! Who loves ya'?!
The music transitions to "In a Persian Market," where Whanots punctuate sections with horns, whistles and gunfire. Animal runs in and begins tossing the chickens around.
Animal Chicken! Chicken! Chickens! Chickens! Chicken!
Gonzo (laughs) Ooo, ooo, ooo. Be still my heart.

UK spot

A Middle Eastern Whatnot and company sing "Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish."
Statler (covering his eyes) Couldn't watch that. Made me dizzy. How about you?
Waldorf moans, then faints and falls out of the box.


Sam the Eagle is backstage with Kermit.
Sam Oh, Kermit, I am so pleased. We finally have a distinguished, British, guest artiste on the show.
Kermit Hmmm.
Marty passes through, still in drag and carrying a saxophone.
Marty Hello, cheeky-face.
Sam What was that?
Kermit Oh, oh, that was our distinguished, British, guest artiste. Hey, Marty!
Marty Yeah, Kermit?
Kermit Come in and say hello to Sam Eagle here.
Marty Oh, yes. How do you do?
Sam Don't touch me!
Kermit Sam! N-now, Marty's doing a great job with the "Arabian Nights" stories.
Sam The Arabian Nights? Oh, well. Yes, the passion, the poetry... (glancing at Marty) well, the poetry at any rate.
Marty Bravo. I'm glad you like the Arabian Nights, 'cause, uh, we're in the next one together.
Sam Uch. Not I. I do not perform.
Marty You see this sax? I'm appealing to you - sax appeal! (manic laughter) Oh, it's humiliating for artist of my stature to do jokes like this. (to Sam) Don't mind me.
Sam (grumbles) Alright. As long as it's cultural. Uh, what is this "Arabian Nights" story?
Marty "The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk!"
Marty dashes off.

The Wright Brothers

The caliph's palace. Marty dashes in, takes provocative pose on pillow.
Marty ... "dashes in, takes provocative pose" ...
He covers him his armpit in embarrassment.
Marty And now, another exciting story - The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.
Swedish Chef "De Rite Broothers at Kitty Hoo?"
Marty That's even better, yes.
The Swedish Chef, yelling angrily, strikes a pillow with his sword.
Marty Our, uh, scene changes to a patent office at the turn of the century...
Marty slides out of frame as the scene cuts to the patent office, where Sam awaits at his desk, reading the script.
Sam (reading) "A Patent Office at the Turn of the Century. Behind the desk..." - this is the desk - "sits the stooge." Ah, that'll be him. "No, the stooge is you."
Marty wheels a prop door through the beaded curtain entrance.
Marty (behind the door) Bang, bang! Thud! Wallop! Knock, knock, knock! Kick! Ow!
Sam Come in!
Marty enters, carrying a case.
Marty I wish to patent an invention.
Sam Certainly. Chair?
Marty The chair? The chair's already been invented! You have one, look! In perfect working order. (sits down)
Sam Would you get on with it?
Marty I have invented the the flying carpet.
Sam "Under whose name is this invention to be patented?"
Marty (leaning in) Wilbur and Orville Wright.
Sam Oh. Uh...which one are you?
Marty Oh, that is me.
Sam You are Wilbur and Orville Wright.
Marty Exactly. You see, my mother wanted twins - identical ones. That's why I look so alike.
Sam Uh, Mr. Wright-
Marty Uh, "Messers," if you don't mind.
Sam Messers-
Marty You can call me Wilbur...
Sam All right, Wilbur-
Marty ...and Orville.
Sam (hard sigh) This invention of yours had better be good.
Marty Just, just feast your eyes upon this thing!
Marty pulls a model airplane from his case and pretends to fly it around.
Sam That is an aeroplane!
Marty Of course it is.
Sam (stammers) Where is the flying carpet?
Marty Inside the airplane, on the floor. You see?
Sam What is the point of that?!
Marty Oh, you may scoff now, but someday, people will be able to pick up one of these and speak to someone on the other side of the Atlantic! "Hello, the other side of the Atlantic," they'll say.
A whistle blares. A policeman, armed with a telephone receiver as it were his firearm, barges in.
Policeman This is the police! You're both under arrest!
Sam W-w-why me?
Policeman No, no, not you. Just these two!
Marty raises his hands.
Policeman Wilbur and Orville Wright, I arrest you for fraud! And I cite as an example elastic-waisted underpants...
Marty recoils.
Policeman ...patented by you under the description "the eternal combustion engine."
A telephone ring is heard.
Marty I'll get it! (picks up and speaks into the plane) Hello. (to the officer) It's for you darling!
Policeman (into his receiver) Uh, hello?
BANG! The policeman is shot and falls over.
Sam This is getting completely out of hand! Get me the real police number!
Marty "Real Police Number" onstage immediately!
Marty is joined by three other officers and sings a verse of "The Laughing Policeman." He and the four officers eventually get caught up in laughter, as Sam facepalms.

Ali Baba

Marty, back in his female costume, returns to the sultan.
Marty And so the lived happily ever after. Wasn't that a terrific story, eh?
Swedish Chef (angry mock Swedish)
Marty Yeah, I hated it too. Actually, I-I've been saving the best one for last.
Swedish Chef (curious mock Swedish)
Marty Yes - Ali Baba.
Swedish Chef Ooo! Ali Boo-Boo! Ali Boo-Boo, jaaaa!
Marty Ali Boo-Boo! Yes, Ali Boo-Boo. I knew you'd like that, yeah. Ali Boo-Boo and the, uh, Four Thieves.
Swedish Chef Nu, nu, nu. Nu four thieves, forty thieves.
Marty Ah, well, there were supposed to be forty thieves, but, uh...Kermit told me that they had, uh...budget problems. They said that they spent all the money borrowing this costume from Bette Midler, you see.
Kermit walks onto the set.
Kermit 'Scuse me, Marty. One of your thieves went home sick.
Marty Oh, terrific. Marvelous. Bloody wonderful. Alright, Ali Baba and the Three Thieves! They wouldn't dare do this to Liza Minnelli.
Dissolve to a forest set, with a prominent cave. Marty narrates.
Marty Once, long ago, there lived a poor, but honest woodcutter named Ali Baba. He was known as the most handsome lad in all the world.
Ali Baba and his horse, backs to the camera, traipse through the woods. Ali Baba turns out, revealing himself to be the spitting image of Marty.
Ali Baba (laughs) You are my kind of narrator, Feldman! (laughs)
Marty Thank you. And one day, while Ali Baba was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching.
Ali Baba Oh, oh! We'd better hide!
Horse Yeah, these woods are full of thieves!
The two take shelter in the bushes.
Marty And so they hid, which was just as well, because suddenly, out of the forest came...
Fozzie and two bears emerge from the bushes.
Fozzie ...the Three Bears! (laughs) Come on, guys!
Ali Baba Hey! You are not thieves.
Fozzie Wha-no, we're bears.
Horse Oh, does this mean we're gonna have to listen to a lotta dumb porridge jokes?
Fozzie What porridge? We are looking for a straw house!
Ali Baba No, no, that's the Three Pigs!
Fozzie Pigs? You want us to be pigs? Y-you just said you wanted us to be thieves!
Ali Baba Yeah, yeah, thieves! Big, tough thieves.
Fozzie Big, tough thieves! Alright, okay. Let's go back, guys. Uh, cue us again.
Ali Baba Alright, we'll start over.
Marty Ali Baba...
Ali Baba and the horse scream in fear.
Marty What's wrong?
Ali Baba Uh, nothing, we forgot you were there.
Marty Sorry! (clears throat) One day, Ali Baba was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching.
Ali Baba Oh, we better hide!
Horse Yeah, these woods are full of thieves!
Fozzie and the bears re-emerge, dresses as stereotypical gangsters.
Fozzie Dum-de-dum-dum. Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, thieves. That was some swell jewel heist we just pulled off, eh?
Bear You betcha, Big Fozz.
Fozzie Therefore, we will now retire to our hideout cave and count the loot. Open Sesame!
The cave opens, revealing oodles of treasure.
Fozzie Wa-ha-ha!
Bear We're wi'cha, Big Fozz!
The bears scamper into the cave, which then shuts.
Ali Baba This story is a mess! It couldn't get worse!
Goldilocks (entering) Hi, I'm Goldilocks! You guys seen my bears?
Horse It just got worse...
Fozzie runs into the empty backstage.
Fozzie Hey, Kermit! Kermit! Anybody? Hey, it's goin' great out there. Oh.
Scooter (entering) Hey, Fozzie, who ya' talkin' to?
Fozzie W-I'm trying to find Kermit. Where is everybody?
Scooter Oh, everybody's outside in the alley. We're heating up the oil for "Ali Baba!"
Fozzie Oh? W-why do we need hot oil?
Scooter 'Cause the thieves get cooked in it!
Fozzie "The thieves get cooked in it?!"
Scooter Yup.
Fozzie Um...w-w-when does this happen?
Scooter Oh, just before the closing number.
Fozzie Uh huh. Well, there's only one thing to do.
Fozzie runs out, panicking. He reappears back onstage, where the others are still waiting.
Fozzie Uh, okay, hit it, boys! This is the closing number.
Fozzie and the cast sing a verse of "Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight."
Fozzie Wait, now, we need more people, a bigger finale. Alright, open Sesame!
The cave opens. Kermit, Gonzo and others emerge, all singing another verse.
Fozzie Alright, one more time! Open Sesame!
The cave door re-opens. Emerging now are the gang from Sesame Street - Ernie, Bert, Cookie Monster, Grover, Count von Count and two Anything Muppets, who sing a verse of the "Sesame Street Theme."
Fozzie Okay, everybody. Let's go to Marty!
The whole joins Marty and the Chef in the sultan's den and sing a finale verse.


Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit And so we come to the end of another one, and I know what you're thinking and I didn't understand it either. But, one of the good parts was our guest star, the master of nuttiness - are you changed yet?
Marty (off-screen) Yes, but I think I'll recover.
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Feldman! Yaaay!
Marty enters, clapping, now in his normal clothes.
Marty Yay! Let's hear it for us! Yes!
Kermit Yes!
Marty Hey, Kermit. Kermit, Kermit, thank you. Um, the big thing on this show for me has been meeting my favorite Muppet...
Kermit Oh, thank you.
Marty Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster enters, laughing.
Cookie Monster Hi, Marty.
Marty I don't know what there is about him, but there's...s-something.
Kermit Well, whatever it is, we've never had anyone make such an impression on our entire cast!
Scooter, Gonzo and other bit players from the episode enter, all wall-eyed.
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Cookie Monster Bye-bye!
Gonzo All both of them! Yes! Hi, Cookie. I'm the Great Gonzo. You know him? You know him?
The Muppet Show orchestra plays the closing theme. As it nears the end, the Sesame Street gang appears in Statler and Waldorf's box.
Waldorf How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
Statler We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!
Everyone laughs.