The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 518: Marty Feldman.
Cold open[]
Theme[]
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Marty Feldman! Yaaayyy! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
Gonzo's horn emits a blue spirt, which plays a Middle Eastern tune. |
Sinbad the Sailor[]
Kermit enters to applause, dressed in Arabian garb. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where we're going to devote the entire evening to the Arabian Nights! |
GONGGGG! Kermit is startled by that sound effect. | |
Kermit | And as a very special treat, our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, is the ever popular Marty Feldman! (audience aahs) Yes! And so, without further ado, let the story begin. |
The curtains open on a caliph's palace room. Kermit narrates. | |
Kermit | Once upon a time, there was an evil caliph, who had a thousand wives. |
The caliph, portrayed by the Swedish Chef, sharpens his swords and hums to himself. | |
Kermit | Every night, he would ask one of his wives to tell him a bedtime story. If he didn't like the story, he'd chop off her head. One night, a beautiful princess named Scheherazade came to his harem. |
Scheherazade dances in the doorway, revealed to be Marty, smoking a cigarette. | |
Marty | (cigarette in mouth) I am the beautiful princess, Scheherazade. (breaking character) Well, this is fantasy. I mean, you've got to use your imagination. |
He stomps out the cigarette and heads to the caliph. | |
Marty | Oh, mighty caliph! I dance attendance upon your every whim. Would you like me to shake it out a bit? Or, uh, would you prefer...a bedtime story. |
Swedish Chef | Ja! (mock Swedish) de beddy-bye! |
Marty | Uh, could y-could I have that again? |
Swedish Chef | '(mock Swedish) de beddy-bye stoory. |
Marty | Uh, a bedtime story? |
Swedish Chef | Ja, ja, ja! |
Marty | Ah. I suppose you want the usual, trashy "Three Bears" or something like that. |
Swedish Chef | Noo, noo, noo, noo. (mock Swedish) Zinbad de Veeking. |
Marty | Zinbad de Zeeking? |
Swedish Chef | Joo, joo. |
Marty | S-Sinbad the Sailor! |
Swedish Chef | Ja, ja! |
Marty | You don't want that old rubbish. |
Swedish Chef | Oh, ja-a-a-a. |
Marty | You do want that old rubbish. Alright. It's gonna be a long, Arabian night, folks. Once upon a time, Zinbad the Veeking and his crew sailed to an island far, far, far away into another set. |
Dissolve to a far off island, where Sinbad (Kermit) and his crew of frogs investigate and find a cave. | |
Kermit | Ah-ha! This cave, men, contains the treasure of King Solomon! |
Frog | Gosh, Captain Sinbad. I'm scared! What if there's an evil genie guarding the treasure? |
Kermit | Don't be silly! There's so such thing as evil genies! |
Suddenly, an evil genie (Sweetums) emerges from the cave, laughing maniacally. | |
Kermit | On the other hand, you might be right. |
Sweetums | Okay, little froggies. I'm gonna eat you up! |
Kermit | No, no, no! You can't do that! You'd be making a big mistake because us frogs taste terrible! |
Sweetums | Even with lots of ketchup? |
Kermit | Even with lots of ketchup! Right, men? |
Frogs | (all together) Yeah! Yeah, terrible. |
Kermit | Have I ever been accused of good taste, men? |
Frogs | (all together) No! No! |
Sweetums | Aw, you're lucky I got no ketchup! |
Back at the palace, the Swedish Chef produces a bottle of "kee-choop" for the crew. | |
Marty | Oh, uh, no. You see, this, this all happened a thousand years ago; it's too late. |
Swedish Chef | Oooo... |
Marty | Ah, mate, don't worry. I mean, I mean, looks very good though. Very good. 1965, that was-that was a very good year for tomatoes. Cheers. |
Marty takes a drink from the ketchup bottle. | |
Marty | Mmmm. You'll be titillated by its presumption, but a little angry at its arrogance. |
Kermit | Uh, can we get on with it?! |
Marty | If you feel you absolutely have to, yeah. |
Kermit | Thank you. Hey, listen! Why are you guarding this treasure, anyway? |
Sweetums | Well, ya' see, there's this guy - Sinbad the Sailor. |
The frogs all gasp. | |
Sweetums | Yeah. Well, anyway, he goes around stealin' treasure. What's your name, anyway? |
Kermit | Uh, well, it's, uh...uh, Sinbad. |
Sweetums | WHAT?! |
Kermit | Uh, but it's not Sinbad the Sailor! It's Sinbad the Surfer! |
Sweetums | Sinbad the Surfer? |
Kermit | Mm-hmm. |
Sweetums | You expect me to believe that? |
Kermit | Sure. Hit it, guys! |
Kermit and the frogs whip out their guitar and surfboards and sing "Surfin' USA." Sweetums eventually fetches his own board and joins them. | |
Statler | I don't think that was Sinbad. |
Waldorf | No, but it was certainly sung bad! (both laugh) |
Backstage[]
Aladdin's Lamp[]
Marty runs back to the caliph. | |
Marty | Wasn't that sensational? Wasn't that great? That was the best story that I- |
The caliph chastises Scheherazade, putting his blade to her neck. | |
Marty | (stammers) I've got a better one. Much better one. How 'bout, "Aladdin and His Magic Lamp?" |
Marty's wig falls from his head. | |
Swedish Chef | Aladdin and His Magic Loo? |
Marty | (babbles incoherently) Like that? Alright. (fussing with his wig) Once upon a time, there was a lad called...a lad...a lad called Aladdin and he had a magic lamp. A thousand and one nights and I have to pick this one. |
Dissolve to a Middle Eastern marketplace, where Aladdin (Gonzo) spots an interesting lamp among the merchandise. | |
Gonzo | Wow! What a terrific lamp. I'll be with a little polish, I can resell it for mucho dinero. |
Gonzo rubs the lamp and nothing happens. | |
Gonzo | (to offstage) I'm rubbing the la-amp. |
Marty | (inside the lamp) I didn't fe-eel it! |
Gonzo continues rubbing the lamp, when FLASH! The genie, played by Marty, appears. He signals to the audience, letting them know he's in the role. | |
Marty | I am da Genie! |
FLASH! Fozzie magically appears. | |
Fozzie | With the light, brown bear! (laughs) |
Marty causes Fozzie to disappear again. | |
Marty | I just granted myself a wish. You won't see him again. Now, Aladdin, young master, what is your first wish? How 'bout a nose job? |
Gonzo | Of course not. I want to be become a sultan with a harem of dancing girls. |
Marty | You're not as weird as I thought. |
Gonzo | Very special dancing girls. |
Gonzo whispers into Marty's ear. The two go into hysterics. | |
Marty | I take it back. You're even weirder. Then, let it be so, then so be it! |
Marty grants his wish. Gonzo now appears as a sultan in his den. | |
Gonzo | Wow, this is terrific! Bring on the dancing girls! |
A trio of dancing chickens, dressed as harem girls, appear. | |
Gonzo | Woo-woo-woo! Who loves ya'?! |
The music transitions to "In a Persian Market," where Whanots punctuate sections with horns, whistles and gunfire. Animal runs in and begins tossing the chickens around. | |
Animal | Chicken! Chicken! Chickens! Chickens! Chicken! |
Gonzo | (laughs) Ooo, ooo, ooo. Be still my heart. |
UK spot[]
A Middle Eastern Whatnot and company sing "Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish." | |
Statler | (covering his eyes) Couldn't watch that. Made me dizzy. How about you? |
Waldorf moans, then faints and falls out of the box. |
Backstage[]
The Wright Brothers[]
The caliph's palace. Marty dashes in, takes provocative pose on pillow. | |
Marty | ... "dashes in, takes provocative pose" ... |
He covers him his armpit in embarrassment. | |
Marty | And now, another exciting story - The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk. |
Swedish Chef | "De Rite Broothers at Kitty Hoo?" |
Marty | That's even better, yes. |
The Swedish Chef, yelling angrily, strikes a pillow with his sword. | |
Marty | Our, uh, scene changes to a patent office at the turn of the century... |
Marty slides out of frame as the scene cuts to the patent office, where Sam awaits at his desk, reading the script. | |
Sam | (reading) "A Patent Office at the Turn of the Century. Behind the desk..." - this is the desk - "sits the stooge." Ah, that'll be him. "No, the stooge is you." |
Marty wheels a prop door through the beaded curtain entrance. | |
Marty | (behind the door) Bang, bang! Thud! Wallop! Knock, knock, knock! Kick! Ow! |
Sam | Come in! |
Marty enters, carrying a case. | |
Marty | I wish to patent an invention. |
Sam | Certainly. Chair? |
Marty | The chair? The chair's already been invented! You have one, look! In perfect working order. (sits down) |
Sam | Would you get on with it? |
Marty | I have invented the flying carpet. |
Sam | "Under whose name is this invention to be patented?" |
Marty | (leaning in) Wilbur and Orville Wright. |
Sam | Oh. Uh...which one are you? |
Marty | Oh, that is me. |
Sam | You are Wilbur and Orville Wright. |
Marty | Exactly. You see, my mother wanted twins - identical ones. That's why I look so alike. |
Sam | Uh, Mr. Wright- |
Marty | Uh, "Messers," if you don't mind. |
Sam | Messers- |
Marty | You can call me Wilbur... |
Sam | All right, Wilbur- |
Marty | ...and Orville. |
Sam | (hard sigh) This invention of yours had better be good. |
Marty | Just, just feast your eyes upon this thing! |
Marty pulls a model airplane from his case and pretends to fly it around. | |
Sam | That is an aeroplane! |
Marty | Of course it is. |
Sam | (stammers) Where is the flying carpet? |
Marty | Inside the airplane, on the floor. You see? |
Sam | What is the point of that?! |
Marty | Oh, you may scoff now, but someday, people will be able to pick up one of these and speak to someone on the other side of the Atlantic! "Hello, the other side of the Atlantic," they'll say. |
A whistle blares. A policeman, armed with a telephone receiver as it were his firearm, barges in. | |
Policeman | This is the police! You're both under arrest! |
Sam | W-w-why me? |
Policeman | No, no, not you. Just these two! |
Marty raises his hands. | |
Policeman | Wilbur and Orville Wright, I arrest you for fraud! And I cite as an example elastic-waisted underpants... |
Marty recoils. | |
Policeman | ...patented by you under the description "the eternal combustion engine." |
A telephone ring is heard. | |
Marty | I'll get it! (picks up and speaks into the plane) Hello. (to the officer) It's for you darling! |
Policeman | (into his receiver) Uh, hello? |
BANG! The policeman is shot and falls over. | |
Sam | This is getting completely out of hand! Get me the real police number! |
Marty | "Real Police Number" onstage immediately! |
Marty is joined by three other officers and sings a verse of "The Laughing Policeman." He and the four officers eventually get caught up in laughter, as Sam facepalms. |
Ali Baba[]
Marty, back in his female costume, returns to the sultan. | |
Marty | And so the lived happily ever after. Wasn't that a terrific story, eh? |
Swedish Chef | (angry mock Swedish) |
Marty | Yeah, I hated it too. Actually, I-I've been saving the best one for last. |
Swedish Chef | (curious mock Swedish) |
Marty | Yes - Ali Baba. |
Swedish Chef | Ooo! Ali Boo-Boo! Ali Boo-Boo, jaaaa! |
Marty | Ali Boo-Boo! Yes, Ali Boo-Boo. I knew you'd like that, yeah. Ali Boo-Boo and the, uh, Four Thieves. |
Swedish Chef | Nu, nu, nu. Nu four thieves, forty thieves. |
Marty | Ah, well, there were supposed to be forty thieves, but, uh...Kermit told me that they had, uh...budget problems. They said that they spent all the money borrowing this costume from Bette Midler, you see. |
Kermit walks onto the set. | |
Kermit | 'Scuse me, Marty. One of your thieves went home sick. |
Marty | Oh, terrific. Marvelous. Bloody wonderful. Alright, Ali Baba and the Three Thieves! They wouldn't dare do this to Liza Minnelli. |
Dissolve to a forest set, with a prominent cave. Marty narrates. | |
Marty | Once, long ago, there lived a poor, but honest woodcutter named Ali Baba. He was known as the most handsome lad in all the world. |
Ali Baba and his horse, backs to the camera, traipse through the woods. Ali Baba turns out, revealing himself to be the spitting image of Marty. | |
Ali Baba | (laughs) You are my kind of narrator, Feldman! (laughs) |
Marty | Thank you. And one day, while Ali Baba was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching. |
Ali Baba | Oh, oh! We'd better hide! |
Horse | Yeah, these woods are full of thieves! |
The two take shelter in the bushes. | |
Marty | And so they hid, which was just as well, because suddenly, out of the forest came... |
Fozzie and two bears emerge from the bushes. | |
Fozzie | ...the Three Bears! (laughs) Come on, guys! |
Ali Baba | Hey! You are not thieves. |
Fozzie | Wha-no, we're bears. |
Horse | Oh, does this mean we're gonna have to listen to a lotta dumb porridge jokes? |
Fozzie | What porridge? We are looking for a straw house! |
Ali Baba | No, no, that's the Three Pigs! |
Fozzie | Pigs? You want us to be pigs? Y-you just said you wanted us to be thieves! |
Ali Baba | Yeah, yeah, thieves! Big, tough thieves. |
Fozzie | Big, tough thieves! Alright, okay. Let's go back, guys. Uh, cue us again. |
Ali Baba | Alright, we'll start over. |
Marty | Ali Baba... |
Ali Baba and the horse scream in fear. | |
Marty | What's wrong? |
Ali Baba | Uh, nothing, we forgot you were there. |
Marty | Sorry! (clears throat) One day, Ali Baba was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching. |
Ali Baba | Oh, we better hide! |
Horse | Yeah, these woods are full of thieves! |
Fozzie and the bears re-emerge, dresses as stereotypical gangsters. | |
Fozzie | Dum-de-dum-dum. Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, thieves. That was some swell jewel heist we just pulled off, eh? |
Bear | You betcha, Big Fozz. |
Fozzie | Therefore, we will now retire to our hideout cave and count the loot. Open Sesame! |
The cave opens, revealing oodles of treasure. | |
Fozzie | Wa-ha-ha! |
Bear | We're wi'cha, Big Fozz! |
The bears scamper into the cave, which then shuts. | |
Ali Baba | This story is a mess! It couldn't get worse! |
Goldilocks | (entering) Hi, I'm Goldilocks! You guys seen my bears? |
Horse | It just got worse... |
Fozzie runs into the empty backstage. | |
Fozzie | Hey, Kermit! Kermit! Anybody? Hey, it's goin' great out there. Oh. |
Scooter | (entering) Hey, Fozzie, who ya' talkin' to? |
Fozzie | W-I'm trying to find Kermit. Where is everybody? |
Scooter | Oh, everybody's outside in the alley. We're heating up the oil for "Ali Baba!" |
Fozzie | Oh? W-why do we need hot oil? |
Scooter | 'Cause the thieves get cooked in it! |
Fozzie | "The thieves get cooked in it?!" |
Scooter | Yup. |
Fozzie | Um...w-w-when does this happen? |
Scooter | Oh, just before the closing number. |
Fozzie | Uh huh. Well, there's only one thing to do. |
Fozzie runs out, panicking. He reappears back onstage, where the others are still waiting. | |
Fozzie | Uh, okay, hit it, boys! This is the closing number. |
Fozzie and the cast sing a verse of "Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight." | |
Fozzie | Wait, now, we need more people, a bigger finale. Alright, open Sesame! |
The cave opens. Kermit, Gonzo and others emerge, all singing another verse. | |
Fozzie | Alright, one more time! Open Sesame! |
The cave door re-opens. Emerging now are the gang from Sesame Street - Ernie, Bert, Cookie Monster, Grover, Count von Count and two Anything Muppets, who sing a verse of the "Sesame Street Theme." | |
Fozzie | Okay, everybody. Let's go to Marty! |
The whole joins Marty and the Chef in the sultan's den and sing a finale verse. |