The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 519: Chris Langham.

Cold open

Pops reads the newspaper and tosses it.
Pops Heh-heh-heh-heh. Eh, that's not funny.
Chris enters with a piece of paper.
Pops Hey! Who are you?
Chris Oh, I'm a messenger. I've got a message here from — Benny Brillstein, the Yiddish Yodeler.
Kermit Uh, that's tonight's guest star.
Chris Uh, it says, uh, "Oh, no I'm not, and you can't make me."
Kermit (frets) But, this is terrible. What will we do for a guest star?
Pops Ehh, no one here but me and this turkey.
Kermit (looks at Chris) Uh, listen, uh, what's your name?
Chris Uh, Langham. Chris Langham.
Kermit Mm-hmm. Uh, you want a job?
Pops I don't believe it! He's gonna book the turkey! (laughs)
Chris I don't know. Will it take very long?
Kermit Uh, listen. I'll have you out of here in half an hour.
He leads Chris out of the entry way.
Pops How about that? A star is hatched. (laughs)


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Chris Langham! Yaaayy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening
Gonzo open 423
Gonzo is blown away in an Autumn storm.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Tonight, our special guest star is that brilliant British, um … uh, just a second.
He runs backstage to Chris.
Kermit Uh, uh, quick, Chris. What do you do?
Chris What have you got?
Kermit Uh, well, uh, how about being a comedian? You know, being funny, telling jokes?
Chris … I know one. I know one.
Kermit Oh, good!
Kermit runs back onstage while Chris tries to think up a joke.
Kermit Our guest star is that brilliant British comedian, Mr. Chris Langham.
Chris (wanders onstage) Where do I start?
Kermit Uh, well, you can start right here. You can introduce the opening number. (runs off)
Chris Oh. Well. Here it is. The opening number.
Chris (aside) This is really easy.
He exits stage right, then goes stage left. The curtain opens on Kermit and Robin, fishing in a rowboat on the sea. They sing the first verse of "Friendship". Something tugs Kermit's line.
Kermit Oh! Hey Robin — somebody's on the line.
A fish pops up.
Kermit Tommy!
Fish (SW) Hey you guys! There's a friend of yours down here who wants to see ya!
Kermit Oh, I'll be right down!
Kermit and Robin dive into the water, where they meet a mother whale and her baby, who sing the rest of the song with them. They suddenly hear a bang.

Kermit What's that?
Mother whale Oh, it doesn't sound good!
Above, a gang of pig whalers sail along, singing "We'll Meet Again". They notice Kermit and Robin sitting on what looks like a boulder, but is actually the mother whale.
Pig (DG) Ahoy there, frogs! Hey, slimy, you seen any whales?
Kermit Listen, whales are scarcer than hens' teeth these days, thanks to you guys!
Robin Yeah, give 'em a break!
Pig (RH) Not a chance!
The pigs laugh as they sail away.
Kermit See, Robin, sometimes you gotta stand up for your friends.
The frogs and whales sing one more chorus. Applause.
Statler Do you know how whales cry?
Waldorf No, how do they cry?
Statler "Blubber, blubber, blubber"!
They chuckle.


Kermit and the pig whalers pass by Scooter. Kermit dries himself with a towel.
Scooter Yup. Sure was.
Kermit Okay. How'd that look, Scooter?
Scooter Oh, terrific, Kermit. It was a whale of a number. (he and Kermit laugh)
Pig (DG) Not for us.
Kermit Well, okay, uh, what — what's on now?
Scooter Oh, uh — Melissa and her magnetic moose.
Kermit Mm. Magnetic moose, huh? Did you warn the people in the front row about their fillings?
Scooter (glances at the stage) … Well, yeah.
Kermit Oh, good. Well, tell Chris Langham he's on next.
Scooter The messenger?
Floyd approaches Kermit.
Kermit He's not a messenger anymore. He's a guest star. And he's up in his room putting together an act.
Scooter Oh, right. (runs off)
Floyd What's he doing, trying on lamp shades? (laughs)
Kermit Uh, listen, Floyd. Be nice to Chris. He's very nervous. Show business is a big unknown to him. It's just a freak thing he's here, so be kind.
Floyd Okay, so when do we see this nervous, unknown freak? (laughs)
Kermit Floyd!
Kermit goes onstage. Melissa comes backstage with her moose, decked with metal paraphernalia.
Melissa (sigh)
Kermit Hey, how'd it go, Melissa?
Melissa Oh, you know. Mostly wrist watches and car keys. Well, I'll return them later. (leaves)
Floyd Yeah, attracts all metal, huh? Great act.
Moose (JN) Not during hunting season.
Floyd (laughs)

Chris' comedy act

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Uh, uh, ladies and gentlemen, sometimes a performer comes along who needs no introduction. This is not one of those times. I mean, what can I tell ya? This guy's a great guy. He's a hard worker. He's a good messenger. And here he is to do whatever he's going to do. Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Langham, yaaaaay!
The curtain opens on Chris, who emerges in a trench coat and hat.
Chris And now the moment you've all been waiting for... and there it goes. Now, um, you've come about the, um... (blanks for a moment) … about the show. That's right, you've come to see the show. (points to the backdrop) Well, uh, this is the show. Here, you see? And — oh! — (points) and a bit of it over there as well. I'm sorry, I'll get out of your way. (steps to the side) It is good, isn't it? Watching the show. And while you watch the show, I've got a little Scottish item that I'm going to do.
He removes the trench coat, revealing a kilt.
Chris So, I'll get straight on with... (audience laughs) … please. And with the help of these, uh, elastic, uh, knee trembling devices here... (removes stockings) Oh, actually, I shouldn't just throw them down on the floor. I ought to use a little respect because they were given to me by my father just after he had his legs taken in. And now, sensation seekers, my impression of autumn in Scotland.
He strikes a pose, and the sporran falls off his kilt. He reaches into the kilt and removes a bag.
Chris Thank you. But what's this? … Peanuts. How kind of them to pay me in advance. Now, I must ask for complete silence during the next section, as it could be extremely dangerous.
He takes a peanut, tosses it into the air, and tries to catch it with his mouth.
Chris Look, I'm only prepared to take this seriously if you are.
He takes a small handful of peanuts and attempts to flip them.
Chris The sooner we get this over with, the sooner we can all go home, alright?
He takes a big handful of peanuts, throws them into the air, looks up and opens his mouth. It rains peanuts on him. He faints. Applause.
Waldorf Did you know that the peanut is one of the world's richest sources of protein?
Statler Oh, well, Chris Langham will be glad. At least he'll die healthy.
They chuckle.


Chris comes backstage, dazed.
Kermit Uh, Chris, are you okay?
Chris Huh?
Floyd Hey, don't worry about it, kid. That's a tough audience out there.
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Chris Hey, listen. I had that audience … right there …
Chris holds out his right palm and points to it, but his depth perception is out of whack. He goes upstairs to his dressing room as Floyd laughs.
Scooter Hey, hey, Kermit?
Kermit Yeah?
Scooter This guy wants to talk to you about the magnetic moose.
Whatnot (DG) Yeah, I want my watch back.
Kermit Uh, well, Scooter, where is the magnetic moose?
Scooter Oh, in the canteen.
Kermit Wha — you let the magnetic moose in the canteen?!?
The moose runs away, with pots and pans stuck to it, chased by an angry Swedish Chef.

Muppet newsflash

Newsman And now for this Muppet News Flash. Stars fell on Alabama last night... but the Weather Bureau said it was a freak storm and would never happen—
Metallic stars fall on him.

Dressing room

Chris stands on top of the vanity table, pretending to go skiing. There's a knock on the door.
Chris Yes?!
Sam the Eagle (enters) Mr. Langham. I would like to suggest a more cultural approach to your act. (notices) — What are you doing?
Chris I am zen skiing.
Sam the Eagle Zen skiing.
Chris I could have broken my leg.
Sam the Eagle Oh, uh, forgive me, I've always had the greatest respect for other people's, uh, crackpot beliefs.
Chris Crackpot beliefs? (sits down) We believe in fondue.
Sam the Eagle Fondue.
Chris Do you believe in fondue, too?
Sam the Eagle Well, uh. I know it exists.
Chris Of course you do. When you look deep within your heart, you know that you'll find melted cheese.
Sam the Eagle I hope you're not going to do this sort of thing in your act.
Chris I have here in my hand this uncut pack of sausages. I shall now cut the pack once. (divides them) And, shuffle the sausages.
He starts shuffling them like cards.
Chris There they are, as you can now see, thoroughly shuffled. You all see them? (to Sam) Now, please sir, pick one sausage, any sausage, from this pack of shuffled sausages in my hand.
Sam picks one.
Chris (cont'd) Scrutinize it with an intense scrute and then please memorize that sausage if you would. Have you committed that sausage to memory?
Sam the Eagle Er …
Chris (shuffles them) Then pop it back into my hand along with the rest of the pack and I will once again shuffle these sausages in a completely random, arbitrary order and -- hey, presto -- and, lo and behold — (throws them) — eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and this is your sausage, is it not?
Sam looks confused. Applause.
Chris I thank you.

UK spot

A pack of dogs ride in a double decker bus and sing "Maybe It's Because I'm a Londoner".

Time Travel Apparatus

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Okay, and now, ladies and gentlemen, here is that fabulous, young ex-messenger, Chris Langham, explaining his new invention. Yaaaay!
The curtain opens on Chris, holding a strange device.
Chris (walks onstage) Hello. This is what I'm working on at the moment. It's a time travel apparatus. (maniacal laugh) Excuse me. If all my calculations are correct, all I have to do is pull this little lever here and I go traveling backwards through time.
He pulls the lever. The machine starts beeping.
Chris Time through backwards traveling go I and here lever little this pull is do to have I all correct are calculations my all if. Me excuse. (maniacal laugh) Apparatus travel time a it's. Moment the at on working I'm what is this. Hello. (jumps offstage)
Statler That's the worst act I've ever seen on this show.
Waldorf Yeah, and we just saw it twice.
They chuckle.

"The Gnu"

A British chap sings about his encounter with "The Gnu" at the zoo.


Kermit looks over the rundown. Chris emerges from the dressing room, dressed in brown.
Chris Kermit? Can I do my impression of an owl for you?
Kermit Uh, well, sure, Chris, go ahead.
Chris puts on a brown hat, stands on the balcony, removes his arms from his sleeves, and places his hands on the ridge to mimic talons. Gonzo watches.
Chris I think you're going to enjoy this, it's uh, it is good. Just takes just a second to get into it, and then uh... It's all just the sort of stuff you can do at home, you know? (steps left, steps right) "Hoo".
Kermit Uh, well, it — it's nice, Chris, but uh, you know, we have had lots of people do bird impressions.
Chris … Yeah.
He jumps off the balcony.
Gonzo Dead owl! Nobody's done that before! It's a triumph!
Cut to the balcony.
Waldorf You know, if you ever think about it, there are these strange pauses in this show when nothing happens on stage.
Statler Let's not think about it.
They chuckle.

Dressing room

Gonzo enters, excitedly.
Gonzo Mr. Langham!
Chris … Won't you come in?
Gonzo Mr. Langham, let me worship at your feet.
Chris Alright.
He kisses Chris' feet, making him giggle.
Gonzo Fawn, fawn. Idolize. (Chris picks him up) Oh, Mr. Langham! The dead owl sketch was the Sistine Chapel of vaudeville acts.
Chris Well, I got the idea from an uncle of mine. He was in show business, actually. He had a fantastic escape artist trick.
Gonzo Well, what did he do? What did he do?
Chris Well, his assistant would chain him up, you know? In a box...
Gonzo Yeah, yeah.
Chris ...with huge padlocks and then, from inside he'd shout, uh, "hoopla" and he'd just be sort of standing in front of you.
Gonzo How did he do it?
Chris Well, it was so easy, it was ridiculous. I can show you.
Gonzo Great!
Chris Of course, I don't have the chains and padlocks here, so it's gonna look even easier than it really is. But, you will get the general idea, alright?
Gonzo Don't worry, I'm a professional.
Chris gets into the wardrobe and shuts the door.
Chris Are you ready?
Gonzo Yes, go for it! "Hoopla!"
Chris Okay. "Hoopla!" Hey! (bangs on the door) … No? Okay, uh, hang on. Heyyy-huh! (bangs on the door) … No? Not to worry, not to worry. Um. Hey, abra-cadabrah! (bangs on the door) … No? Never mind, never mind. (struggles to open the door)
Kermit Uh. Uh, Chris?
Chris Yes?
Kermit Chris, where are you?
Chris Oh. Um, I'm in the wardrobe, Kermit. Uh, I can't get out.
Gonzo Kermit, how did you book this turkey?
Kermit Eesh. Listen, I'll tell you later. Uh, Chris? Uh, don't worry, we'll just cancel the final number.
Chris Cancel?
Kermit Mm-hmm.
Chris But why?
Kermit Well, how can you perform in that wardrobe?
Chris No trouble. (lifts the wardrobe with his feet) The show must go on. (laughs nervously)

"Hawaiian Cowboy"

Main stage. Scooter enters.
Scooter Uh, well uh, Kermit isn't here right now, so I guess I get to do the introduction. Here once again, our British guest star as an Hawaiian cowboy -- don't look at me, I didn't book him -- ladies and gentlemen, Chris Langham!
The curtain opens on an island setting, with Hawaiian-dressed pigs and penguins. Chris, still inside the wardrobe, walks onstage as they sing. The wardrobe has a cowboy hat on top.
Pigs, penguins

Ulu lei, ʻo lei lehua,
Lei lehua, ʻo lei lehua,
Lei lehua, ʻo lei lehua,
ʻO nā lei, lei uʻi ē.

Chris saws a hole in the wardrobe door and peeks out.
Chris (tries to sing —)

He wahi lio Lehua kou inoa lā
Hanohano wale ʻoe Hawaiʻi lā
E like kou holo ʻana me ka ʻōʻio lā
Ke kolo, ke kuli, ke kuʻi kolo iho ʻoe
ʻAuhea wale ʻoe te wahine holo lio
Pua nani aʻo Hawaiʻi lā
Aloha i ka Hawaiian cowboy.

Pigs, penguins

Ulu lei, ʻo roselani,
Roselani, ʻo roselani,
Roselani, ʻo roselani,
Roselani, lei uʻi ē.

Chris (tries to sing —)

He wahi lio Roselani kou inoa lā
Kilakila wale ʻoe o Maui lā
E like kou holo ʻana me ka ʻōʻio lā
Ke kolo, ke kuli, ke kuʻi kolo iho ʻoe
ʻAuhea wale ʻoe te wahine holo lio
Pua nani aʻo Maui —
Means "I love you, Hawaiian cowboy".

It suddenly occurs to Chris that he can turn around and escape the wardrobe closet from the back, which is completely clear.
Pigs, penguins

Ulu lei, ʻo lei ʻilima,
Lei 'ilima, ʻo lei ʻilima,
Lei ʻilima, ʻo lei ʻilima,
ʻO nā lei, lei uʻi e.

Chris Hoopla! (tries to sing —)

Haʻalele mai au i Honolulu lā
Hoʻi mai au i ka ʻāina malihini
Ke kau ʻana aku i ka lio Kaleponi
Ua fāfā mai lā ʻo Lehua
He wahi lio kalakoa ko
Ka ʻāina malihini lā
In San Francisco by the Golden Gate —
Aloha i ka Hawaiian cowboy.
Yes, I'm heading for the last roundup
Everybody sing!
Oy vey! Havaii! Ha-vhy not?
You have to be nuts to sing "Hawaiian Cowboy".

It rains peanuts on Chris once again.
Pigs, penguins

Haʻina mai o ka puana …
ʻO na lei, lei uʻi e.

Chris (points to peanut in hand) I got one. (bows)


Kermit Okay, well, we've had a terrific evening here on The Muppet Show, and it's all thanks to our very special, surprise guest, that messenger turned superstar, Mr. Chris Langham! Yaaaay!
Applause. Chris comes out and bows.
Chris You know, there's … one thing that you didn't ask me: whether or not I have an electronic larynx.
Kermit Uh, no, I didn't.
Chris Oh, alright — yes I have. It's a masterpiece of modern micro electronics. (points to neck) A little amplification unit in here with a radio microphone. All tucked — I don't know, you see the scar?
Kermit Um, uh, yeah?
Chris (grips Kermit) Blast, he told me you wouldn't be able to see the scar.
Kermit Uh, relax, Chris.
Chris Sorry. No, I've had a great time. I'm sorry, I've enjoyed from the first moment — (dropouts) — head — until the last — of — -ian Cowboy, I had — onderful — ime.
Kermit Are you okay?
Chris Oh, —eeling absolutely fine, yes. You? — Oh, sorry. (taps neck) —adio —icrophone. Hang o— some —oblems with the...
Kermit We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather onstage with Chris as the credits roll.
Waldorf It's a classic show business story: Chris Langham walked into this theatre a nobody.
Statler And he's walking out a has-been.
They chuckle.
Atv zoot
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