It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Wally Boag — yaaay!
Opening act[]
Kermit
Thank you, thank you. Hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. As you know, every week we try to do a real old-fashioned vaudeville show. Well, this week, we're going to succeed. That's because in the wings is that master vaudevillian and king of comedy, Mr. Wally Boag. Yes! So, here for openers, are The Flying Zucchini Brothers and their human cannonball act. Yaaay!
1st Zucchini Brother
Yeah, boom-ah boom-ah! Boom-ah boom-ah! Ladies and gentlemen, now for the Zucchini Brother's famous cannonball act. Brothers, squish down into your cannons, and point them to the heavens. Ah-squishy squishy. And now, ladies and gentlemen, get ready for the big boom-ah boom-ah. Brothers, signal when ready. Luigi.
Luigi
Luigi, ready.
Marco
Marco, ready.
Lorenzo
Lorenzo, ready.
Giuseppe
Giuseppe, ready.
Heathcliff
Heathcliff, I'm ready mama.
1st Zucchini Brother
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Zucchini Brother's five man cannonball boom-ah boom-ah.
Kermit
Is that it? Is the act over? Hey, it's a little short, fellas. Uh, close the curtain. Quick, change the scenery. Uh, moving right along, ladies and gentlemen, Lottie Lemon and her Singing Wig.
Poor Lottie Lemon. I hope someone knows first aid.
Waldorf
Forget first aid, Lottie needs lemonade.
Balloon animals[]
Kermit
Uh, according to the Guinness Book of Records, on July 17, 1955, Wally Boag opened the Golden Horseshoe Revue in Disneyland. He's been doing five shows a day there, ever since. A total of over thirty-two thousand performances. Yes! So, having achieved this feat, he's decided to tempt fate and try to make it through one performance on The Muppet Show. So here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the amazing Wally Boag — yaaay!
Wally
Here I am, your traveling salesman. Hi, Hermit.
Kermit
Kermit.
Wally
Ha-ha-ha. Great. What have I got for sale? Let me take a look in my purse. I've got balloons. I had balloons. Oh, well. Is there a psychiatrist in the house? Nothing personal, it's just that I have a new theory in psychiatry. I can tell people's troubles and their character by the way they blow up a toy balloon. And it's much cheaper than a couch. Let me show you how it works. For instance, the average and normal person would blow a balloon something like that. That's the average type. And then we have a straight, forward person. Straightforward type. Some people are a little backwards. Backwards, yes. The backward type, did you see that? Oh, I've got talent. Here's a, um, scatterbrain. Their mind jumps around a bit. The balloon will do they same thing. And, we'll get rid of that. Now, the message, you have a person wrap up all of these thoughts. Put them all together and you find out something more about them. I've made quite a name for myself doing this. And I don't like it. You've heard pink elephants. Here's someone who sees pink elephants. Looking a little like that. A little pink elephant, right there. Oh, you're so right. Let's take his, uh, trunk here now and make a little suitcase out of it. I have an uncle used to yell at us when he was inebriated — drunk — he was a character. He was a kleptomaniac. Kleptomaniac, that's a person who finds things before lose them. But, uh, he's reformed. He only steals things now that begin with A. A watch. A car. A purse. A wallet. A rabbit. Here's a little rabbit thing up there now. Hey, did you hear about the rabbit, washed his hare and couldn't do a thing with her. Perhaps you're right. This is just a normal husband leading the life of a dog. But he's a gay debonnaire French poodle type dog. And there's a little problem there. I have a French poodle. I had to sell my dog. He ran in front of the lawnmower to cut off his tail. I sold him whole sale. I couldn't re-tale him. Here's a, uh, nearsighted person. We'll just wrap these up now and see what we have. I want you to remember my name again, folks. Wally Boag. Because, you'll be reading about me in the newspapers. I smoke in bed. Now, here's a very fancy dog. This is a police dog. You might not recognize him, he's in the CIA. Same dog, went around the corner. I'd like to make more for you, but something happened to my balloons. I had a whole lot—
the Muppets enter the stage wearing balloons
Waldorf
There, can you tell anything about me from this?
Statler
Yeah. You've got a round shape and you're full of hot air.
Oh, hello Wallace. Oh, uh, Foo-Foo. Foo-Foo! Come to mommykins, Foo-Foo. Kermie? Kermie? Are you going to give Foo-Foo and me a wonderful introduction?
Kermit
Uh. Right.
Foo-Foo
Woof!
Piggy
Oh, oh, Rowlfie? Rowlfie? Now, do you have your musical cues?
Rowlf
Yes. I hate playing dog acts.
Piggy
Professional jealousy.
Miss Piggy and Foo-Foo's dog act[]
Kermit
On with the vaudeville show. Here's The Muppet Show’s answer to Lassie. The amazing Foo-Foo and her equally amazing trainer, Miss Piggy!
Piggy
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gen— Cool it! Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, now here she is, Foo-Foo the wonder dog. Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you. Very good, Foo-Foo. Now, for her second trick...
Rowlf
Second trick?
Piggy
For her second trick.
Foo-Foo scratches her ear
Piggy
Very good. Now, for her third trick. Yes. I'm going to ask Foo-Foo to solve a difficult mathematical problem. Foo-Foo? What is two plus two?
Foo-Foo
Woof! Woof! Woof!
Piggy
One more. She wasn't finished! Three is wrong.
Rowlf
Well, I know that. But I figured that was as close as she was going to get. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ahem. We shall do it again. This time let her finish.
Rowlf
Mm.
Piggy
Foo-Foo, dear. What is two plus two?
Foo-Foo
Woof! Woof-woof! Woof!
Piggy
Ah-ha.
Foo-Foo
Woof!
Piggy
What are you doing?
Rowlf
I was waiting for her to finish. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy
Oh, wonderful. Now you've done it. to Foo-Foo You're all upset.
Rowlf
Oooh, sorry. Maybe that trick's too hard for her. Have her do something simple. Like, roll over and play dead. Heh-ha-ha.
Piggy
Why don't you roll over and drop dead? If I want her to do something simple, I would have had her play the piano and make dumb remarks. Now. Ahem. Would everyone like to see Foo-Foo dance? Hm?
Foo-Foo, it's behind you! Ah! Go get it! Sorry, Miss Piggy. Old habits are hard to break. Foo-Foo! Woof-woof!
Statler
Have we ever said this show is going to the dogs?
Waldorf
About a million times.
UK spot[]
Kermit
Okay, moving right along. Here are three gifted singers who have all kissed the Blarney Stone. Ladies and gentlemen, The Leprechaun Brothers — yaaay!, leprechaun!
Well, there goes another popular expression down the drain.
Waldorf
What's that?
Statler
The luck of the Irish.
Wally plays the bagpipes[]
Kermit
And now, ladies and gentlemen, continuing with our vaudeville show, it's Wally Boag time. And here he is to do the Highland Fling.
Wally
Don't fling at e like that! Thank you. Thank you, I deserve it. I- I am Scotch, you know. As a matter of fact, it was my great-grandfather McBoag that gave me these very rare McBag Bird, here. Isn't she pretty? Can't fly, but what a voice. Little history on the bag bird, it was originated in Ireland in the 15th century and the Irish gave them to the Scots. And the Scots haven't caught on to the joke yet. Yeah. For my first number, I play by ear. I play, heh. Well, my first number. Come on, baby. Green olives, again. It's lonesome for its mommy. Yeah. Just relax. Oh, one more time. One more time. Oh, well. I'll give it a vitamin pill. Actually, I would like to play. I would like to play. I've got to. A little song entitled, uh, "The Girl Next Door Live the Life of a Dog So I Called Her Over". I called... Shouldn't have, should I? Here we go. Of course, a lot of people— a lot... A lot of people. A lot. I'm talking, do you mind? Thank you. A lot of people. Down girl. A lot of people. I'll be right with you. A lot of people — I hear you — have said, "Wally," — that's my maiden name — "Is it possible to play a melody on the bagpipes?" Is it possible to play a melody? No. But I'd like to endeavor to play "Suwannee River". And I wondered if the band — band! — would join me because, uh, I'm really coming apart. You ready? "Suwannee River". Beat it in rock time. No hands.
Hey, say anybody wants me, Pops, I'm getting some fresh air.
Pops
Oh, great. You can watch the stage door while I'm away.
Wally
Hey, where you going, Pops?
Pops
I'm going to watch the show.
Wally
Let me know how I was.
Dr. Salamander[]
Kermit
Introducing the astounding illusionist, Dr. Salamander, hypnotist and newt. Yaaay!
Dr. Salamander
Aloha! Ciao! Hey! Salam! First, I need a volunteer from the audience. Uh, sir, you with the mustache. Yes, in the front row. Somebody help him up.
Pops
Huh? Hey! Get your dirty hands off my filthy arm!
Dr. Salamander
Ah, that's good sir. Just step right over here. Wait a minute, Pops. What are you doing in the audience?
Pops
I come here to try to get some sleep.
Dr. Salamander
Well, this is no time for that. Because I am going to... Hey, wake up!
Pops
Wha?
Dr. Salamander
I'm going to hypnotize you and then I will command you to float up into the air levitating against all laws of gravity. Wake up!
Pops
Oh, what is it now?
Dr. Salamander
Now, I'm going to put you to sleep.
Pops
You woke me up to tell me that?
Dr. Salamander
Alright. Look it. Just lie down here.
Pops
That's the first sensible thing you've said all evening.
Dr. Salamander
Alright, look into my eyes and by the time I count to ten, you will be totally under my power. One.
Pops
snoring
Dr. Salamander
Good enough. Alright. And now, up you go. Levitate. Rise. Rise, up you go. Rise. Up. Up, you go. Yes. Thank you, thank you. Alright, wake up. You can come down now. No, watch out! Look out for the lights!
Kermit
Uh, this is terrible! Uh, wake up... Uh, Salamander, uh, what do we do now?
Okay, well, it looks like it's about time to head back to the old corral here on The Muppet Show. But, before we go, let us bring back our terrific guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Wally Boag, yaaay! Oh, that was wonderful, Wally. But, uh, I'm sorry about your teeth. Just send us your dentist bill.