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Main stage. Kermit approaches the microphone.
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Kermit
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Okay, folks, it's comedy time, and here is our own Fozzie —
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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Hold on, little green buddy! Which comic you introducin'?
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Kermit
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I was introducing our own comedian …
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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Yes, folks, and here he is, that wild wit of the west, wonderful Wally Whoopee!
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Kermit
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Fozzie Bear! YAAAYYY!
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The curtain opens. Fozzie and Wally take the stage.
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Fozzie
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Hiya hiya hiya! Thank you! Thank you!
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Wally Whoopee
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Howdy, friends! Wonderful Wally Whoopee here and — whoa Nelly! You folks watching on the radio won't believe this, but I am standing next to a wild bear!
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Fozzie
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Oh, no, no, sir, I — I'm not a wild — well. I mean, I'm a bear, b-but I'm not wild.
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Wally Whoopee
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Aww! Listen, I don't blame ya! I'm not wild about bears either! (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back)
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Fozzie
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I — I am a comedian!
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Wally Whoopee
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A comedian?
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Fozzie
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Yes!
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Wally Whoopee
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Do you know the most important thing about being a comedian?
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Fozzie
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No, what's the most impo —
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Wally Whoopee
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Timing! (chuckles) Let's hear one of your jokes, comedian!
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Fozzie
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Oh, all right. Ahem. (blows on the mic) Ahem. See, this walrus, he goes into the theater, and all of a sudden —
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Wally Whoopee
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Hey, you're not nervous, are you?
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Fozzie
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Well — a little bit, yeah. But this walr—
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Wally Whoopee
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A little? Why folks, he's as nervous as a frog on a freeway with his hopper busted! (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back) Just go ahead with your little story, now.
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Fozzie
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Thank you. This walrus, see —
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Wally Whoopee
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And don't be nervous.
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Fozzie
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Fine. This walrus—
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Wally Whoopee
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This better be good, folks!
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Fozzie
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(sigh)
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Wally Whoopee
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What's the matter? Cat got your joke? (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back) Listen, why don't you forget about being a comedian — why don't you learn how to ride a bicycle and join the circus?
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Fozzie
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Oh, no, no — I wanna get laughs.
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Wally Whoopee
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Fall off the bike! (chuckles, gives him a slap on the back) Listen! You've been a great stooge, and to show you what kinda guy Wally Whoopee is, I'm invitin' you up to my ranch for the weekend. (nods)
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Fozzie
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You mean — oh, wow! Thank you! Thank you!
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Wally Whoopee
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Yes, I just want you to go up there and relax.
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Fozzie
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Yeah!
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Wally Whoopee
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Just stretch out on the floor and take it easy.
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Fozzie
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On the floor?
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Wally Whoopee
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Yes — my regular rug's at the cleaners! (chuckles, gives him a slap as the closing music plays) Thank you! Thank you! Keep them fires runnin' for me! Yes indeed, we'll see you soon at the Trick Bone Lodge! (laughs)
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The curtain closes.
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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All riiiiight! Let's hear it for the funniest man west of west of the Pecos, Wally Whoopee! C'mon out, Wally!
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A fanfare plays as Wally bows and exits.
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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Ha ha! Hey, good man. And while we're at it, let's have a murmur of sympathy, for that poor sap, Fozzie Bear. (audience: "Awwww.")
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Kermit
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Okay, that does it!
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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Huh?
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Kermit
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Listen! How dare you say things like that about my friend Fozzie!
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Fozzie peeks from behind the curtain.
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Kermit
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(cont'd) This bear is one of the stars of The Muppet Show! He's loving and friendly.
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Fozzie
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Uh, funny.
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Kermit
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Uh — he's dedicated, loyal, trustworthy —
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Fozzie
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Funny?
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Kermit
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Uh — handsome, generous, sweet, gentle, charming …
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Fozzie
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Funny?
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Kermit
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And very, very FUNNY!
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Applause. Fozzie's fanfare plays and he comes out blowing kisses.
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Fozzie
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Thank you! (to Tiny) Ha ha! (exits)
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Kermit
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(nods) Yes. Now, Tallsaddle, just get out of the theater.
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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What?
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Kermit
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You heard me. My friends and I work hard every week to do a good show, and we don't need your kind around being mean and cruel!
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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(clutches the mic) Speakin' of bein' cruel, I have this little trick I like to do, with necks and microphone stands —
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Scooter
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Wait a minute, Mr. Tallsaddle! I was just out in the alley, and some kids were letting the air out of your horse!
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Big Tiny Tallsaddle
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Huh? My horse? (runs outside) Hey — hey, you kids get away from that horse! That's a brand-new horse!
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Scooter
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Lock the door, Beau!
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Beauregard
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(offstage) Okay!
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CLANG! The door shuts.
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Kermit
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Letting the air out of his horse?
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Scooter
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Well, it's all I could think of.
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Kermit
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Whatever. Scooter, listen, you got rid of Tallsaddle. I can't thank you enough.
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Scooter
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Oh. Gee, Kermit, I don't need thanks. 'Course, I could use some cash. (holds out his hand)
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Kermit
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Well. Of course you could use some cash. Cash is exactly what we all need! So let's just sit back and enjoy the music of the one and only JOHNNY CASH! YAAAAYYY!
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Scooter
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No, but you see, I —
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Kermit
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Scooter, will you get outta here? YAAAAY!
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