When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head.
Opening number[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show where our special guest tonight is the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, to get things rolling... eh? (the lights go dim) Uh, Scooter?
Scooter
Yeah, boss?
Kermit
What happened to the lights?
Scooter
(looks up) They went out. (exits)
Kermit sighs. The lights come back up again.
Kermit
Oh, good. Okay, to kick things off on The Muppet Show, here's a little sunshine.
In the opening number, "Good Day Sunshine", Fozzie plays a farmer, and Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Floyd, Janice, Gonzo and Scooter are the flower backup singers.
Fozzie
All right, all you flowers! Gather 'round, you cute things, and sing! Ready, go!
The Muppets take the center stage and sing another chorus. The lights go out suddenly. Kermit enters with a flashlight.
Fozzie
What happened to the lights?
Kermit
Uh, it's nothing- nothing serious, folks. Uh, folks we — we just blew a fuse. (bumps into Gonzo) Uh, I'm sorry, Fozzie.
Gonzo
I'm not Fozzie!
Kermit
Oh, uh, Gonzo. Yes, I'm sorry about that. Listen, Scooter, would you go get us some flashlights?
Scooter
Oh, okay, boss.
Kermit
Okay, now listen. Everybody sing!
Fozzie
(stuttering) Kermit, how can we sing "Good Day Sunshine" when it's dark?
Kermit
Uh, well, think of something. I've gotta go help Beauregard with the fuse box.
Floyd
Good luck!
Gonzo
Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn.
Scooter and Beaker arrive with some flashlights.
Scooter
Well, here are the flashlights.
Fozzie
Heh. Somebody play something.
Upbeat jazz music begins playing.
Fozzie
Could you give me a flashlight? Thank you. How do you work this? Oh yeah.
(sarcastic laugh) No. It was that creep Gonzo. He was trying to air condition his closet.
Gonzo
(whoosh!) Nothing but the best for my mildew collection. Heh-ha.
Miss Piggy
You're disgusting.
Kermit
Uh, would you guys knock it off back there? We've got a show to do. Now what can I send out there on a dark stage?
Gonzo
Why don't you introduce the Black Cat Acrobats of Kankakee?
Kermit
Uh, but they're not here.
Gonzo
Nobody will ever notice. (laughs)
Muppet newsflash[]
Newsman
Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Um, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please?
Crazy Harry provides more light with a lit stick of dynamite.
Newsman
Than you very much. That's much better. (reads) With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a boom—
BOOM! goes the dynamite.
Dressing room[]
It's still dark. Kermit knocks and enters.
Kermit
Uh, excuse me Buddy. Can I see you?
Buddy
Kermit, that's the dumbest thing anyone's said tonight.
Kermit
Uh, listen. I just wanted to tell you, we'll have the lights back on soon.
Buddy
Don't worry about me. I've got eyes like a cat.
He knocks over the hatrack.
Buddy
A really clumsy cat.
The lights come on.
Both
Ah!
The lights go off.
Both
Awwww.
The lights come on again.
Both
Ah!
Kermit
Well, now that the crisis is over, when can you do your number?
Buddy
Oh, anytime you want me to, Kermit.
Kermit
Uh-huh. Do you need to talk to the band?
Buddy
Who needs a band?
Kermit
Oh. No band? Fantastic. Just you and a drum kit.
Buddy
Who needs drums?
Kermit
No drums?
Buddy
No drums. You just go right into it —
He picks up his sticks and begins drumming the table, then moves around the room, banging rhythmically on various objects.
Kermit
Hey, you know what? You should be doing this on stage.
Buddy
To the stage!
Kermit
To the stage!
Buddy continues tapping on everything in his path on his way out the dressing room, down the stairs, and finally to the stage. Among those in his path include a ladder, a telephone, a chandelier, Dr. Bunsen's head and Beaker's helmet.
Buddy
When I play a theatre, I play the theatre.
Buddy finally drums his way to the stage, but once he sits down at the drum set, the lights go off.
Buddy
Darn!
Waldorf
Well, it's too dark to see this show.
Statler
I'll say.
Waldorf
And my hearing aid is busted, so I can't hear it.
Statler
Oh, you must be having a wonderful time! (laughs)
Waldorf
No, I'm having a wonderful time! (laughs)
Backstage[]
It's still dark backstage.
Scooter
Hey, chief?
Kermit
Yeah?
Scooter
I rigged up an emergency work light.
Kermit
Oh, good going, Scooter. How'd you do that?
Scooter
Well, remember how Beauregard pulled all those wires out of the fuse box and got a big shock?
Kermit
Yeah.
Scooter
Well, I just put two and two together, and...
Beauregard emerges with a lightbulb in his mouth.
Kermit
Is he alright?
Scooter
Oh, sure. I think he got a real charge out of it. (laughs)
Kermit
Listen, I just don't want him to get run down or anything.
Scooter
Aww! (laughs)
Kermit
Are you okay, Beau?
Beauregard
(opens his mouth) I'm fine.
The lightbulb falls out of his mouth. Scooter facepalms.
Beauregard
Did I do something wrong?
Dressing room[]
Buddy lights some candles all around the dressing room.
The electric stuff won't go through the wires — and everybody's blaming me.
Buddy
Oh, you're the one that's caused this mess.
Beauregard
You see what I mean? Everybody's out to get me. Could I use your window?
Buddy
Well, I know it's bad, Beau, but don't jump.
Beauregard
Jump? I was just going to take a nap on the fire escape. That is, unless you know any inspirational songs.
Buddy
Inspirational songs? Have I got the song for you.
Music swells up.
Buddy
When you think you've hit the bottom …
Beauregard
Yeah?
Buddy
And you're feeling really low …
Beauregard
Uh-huh.
Buddy
You mustn't feel discouraged -- There's always one step further down you can go.
Beauregard
Golly, I'm starting to get inspired.
Buddy
When you're lying in the gutter...
Beauregard
Yeah — Feeling just a bit unsure…
Buddy
Just wait until tomorrow -- You may be lying flat faced down in a sewer.
Beauregard
Golly, think of all those sewers!
Buddy
Don't be afraid of a little rumble.
Beauregard
No!
Buddy
What's that, for goodness sake?
Beauregard
It's nothing!
Buddy
Just remember, one little rumble started the 'Frisco Quake.
Beauregard
What?
Buddy
Take it, Beau!
Beauregard
When I'm living on a park bench, Eating grass 'cause I've no dough...
Buddy
Your luck will change mañana -- You may be six feet under, helping it grow. So just remember, when you're lower than low, There's always one step further down …
Beauregard
Oh yeah! There's always one step further down …
Both
There's always one step further down … you can go!
Applause. They shake hands.
Beauregard
Wow, thanks Mr. Rich. I feel a lot worse. (exits)
Buddy
I like to help.
Veterinarian's Hospital[]
Piggy, holding a flashlight, makes her way through a dark operating room.
Announcer
Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy
Where are you guys?
Rowlf
We're over here.
Miss Piggy
Oh. Oh. Ahem.
Janice
Oh, Dr. Bob, it's so dark, you can't see your hand in front of your face.
Rowlf
That's okay, I remember what it looks like. It's brown and has these five pointy things sticking out.
Miss Piggy
Ew. Dr. Bob, cancel the operation, it's too dangerous. Nobody can see anything.
Rowlf
Well, if that includes the audience, it'll be the safest bit we've ever done. (laughs)
Miss Piggy
(groans)
Rowlf
Just a second.
He ducks under the table, then re-emerges wearing a mining helmet and a pick.
Rowlf
Ah-ha!
Miss Piggy
That's a miner's lamp.
Rowlf
Yes. And, a pick. Heh-ha. Now, where's the patient?
Miss Piggy
You can't use a pick on the patient.
Rowlf
I can on the patient's pockets. (laughs)
Miss Piggy
(groans)
Rowlf
Now, where is he?
Janice
Right here, Dr. Bob. He was trying to fix the power line and got a severe shock.
Rowlf
Oh.
Miss Piggy
When he sees who his doctor is, he'll get another one. (she and Janice groan)
Janice
No, not that kind of shock. He's had ten thousand volts.
Rowlf
Gee, that should be enough to get him elected. (laughs) What was he running for?
Miss Piggy
The hills if he had any sense.
Janice
(groans) Not votes, volts.
Rowlf
Oh, in that case, run some volts through him again.
Janice
Again?
Rowlf
Yes, it's called revolting.
Piggy & Janice
(in unison) It certainly is.
Announcer
And, so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf
Listen, if it's still dark when the patient comes to, give him this.
Miss Piggy
That's a ballpoint pen with a little light.
Rowlf
Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy
What good is that?
Rowlf
He can see to sign the check.
They all laugh. Fade to black.
UK spot[]
A group of British Whatnots sing "A Transport of Delight" while riding a double-decker bus.
Backstage[]
It's still dark backstage.
Kermit
Uh, listen Bunsen. For once, your goofy inventions had better do some good, because we've got to get the lights going around here.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Uh, not to worry, Mr. Kermit. I will easily power all of the lights with this portable generator.
Kermit
Yeah? This is portable?
They walk over to the device, which is three times as big as the two of them combined.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Yes, it's a miracle of micro electronics.
Kermit
Yeah, well what's it run on? Uh, batteries? Gasoline?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
No indeedy-doody. This is the age of Beaker power.
Beaker peeks from inside the machine, meeping.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Soon, electricity will be coursing through the entire theatre. Alright Beakie, start running.
Beaker starts running, powering the generator like a hamster wheel.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
I'll just make a few minor adjustments.
Kermit
Yeah?
The generator goes faster. Beaker's eyes light up.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
The connections may not be quite right yet.
Beaker continues running, his eyes still flickering.
Dressing room[]
Buddy sets up some karate planks, as the lights come back on.
Buddy
Oh, that's better.
A knock on the door.
Buddy
Come in.
Miss Piggy
Oh, excusez-moi, Buddy dear.
Buddy
Hi, Miss Piggy. Come on in.
Miss Piggy
I — I just had to come in and tell you that I think you're a truly great drummer.
Buddy
Why, thank you, Miss Piggy. I think you're a very large singer.
Miss Piggy
I beg your pardon?
Buddy
Oh, nothing. I'm really glad you came by.
Miss Piggy
Oh?
Buddy
I have a question for you.
Miss Piggy
Oh, yes. Ahem.
Buddy
Well, you know I'm kind of interested in karate—
Miss Piggy
Oh, Buddy dear, say no more. Of course I shall give you some pointers. Uh, I am a … pink belt. Ahem.
Buddy
Really?
Miss Piggy
Mm-hmm. Oh now, Buddy dear. First of all, you should put away those silly-nilly boards. Beginners can only hurt themselves on that sort of thing. (he nods) Buddy, karate is a peaceful activity. A beginner need not dwell on the violence and aggression. First you must learn to be at peace with—
She screams in shock as Buddy suddenly chops a plank in half with his elbow.
Miss Piggy
Holy guacamole!
Buddy
Black belt.
Miss Piggy
Gotcha.
The lights go out.
Buddy
And speaking of black…
Miss Piggy
Oh, no. I cannot stand it. Not again. I am a star. I will not put up with this stumbling around blind.
Buddy
It's too bad lard doesn't glow in the dark.
Miss Piggy
Pardon?
Buddy
I said, it's too bad lard doesn't—
Miss Piggy
Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him. The lights come back on.
Buddy
Say, where'd you learn to aim so good without lights?
Miss Piggy
Oh, just a … chop in the dark.
Buddy grins.
Backstage[]
It's no longer dark backstage.
Kermit
Okay, good old Bunsen and Beaker. That generator has just saved the day, alright. Let's see, uh, (through the intercom)Swedish Chef on stage next, Swedish Chef, please.
The Chef wears dark sunglasses.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish)
Kermit
Yeah, well, thanks Chef. I'm very pleased, too.
The lights go out. The Chef bumps into the wall.
Kermit
Hey. Hey, listen, guys. What's the matter?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew
Oh, I'm afraid poor little Beaker is getting tired.
He shoots it. It lands on the table, flat as a pancake. The Chef removes the arrow and tosses the flat soufflé away.
Swedish Chef
De frïsbëe-søüfflé. (nods, shrugs)
Backstage[]
As Buddy talks to Kermit, Bunsen checks the generator and walks away.
Buddy
Say, Kermit. I understand for the show's finale you want me to do some kind of a drum battle.
Kermit
Oh yeah. I just love drum battles.
Buddy
Okay. Who do I battle? The other guy. You know, the one that loses.
Kermit
Ha ha. Uh, Animal.
Buddy
Animal? That's really his name?
Kermit
Mmm.
Floyd enters, with Animal on a chain, growling.
Floyd
Easy, Animal.
Buddy
He looks like a sore loser. (Kermit chuckles)
Floyd
Heh. If this chain breaks, you'll be a sore winner.
Kermit
Uh, listen, uh, I'll just go ahead and introduce you. Floyd, get Animal ready.
Floyd
Animal. You ready?
Animal
(glances at Buddy) Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Buddy
Yeah. He's ready. (goes onstage)
Animal
Drum battle! Drum battle! (Floyd restrains him)
Drum battle[]
Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit
Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, the drum battle of the century! Yes. In one corner, our own ever-popular Animal...
Animal
(babbles)
Kermit
Uh, and in the other corner, The Muppet Show’s own fearless guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
Buddy plays along to an instrumental of "It Don't Mean a Thing", followed by a long drum battle with Animal. At the climax, Animal throws a snare drum onto Buddy's head.
Buddy
Darn it! There go the lights again!
Animal finishes up. Applause.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay, well we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies...
Buddy
(off-screen) Hey, Kermit. Wait'll I get this thing off. Okay?
Kermit
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
Buddy emerges, holding the drum Animal threw at him. Applause.
Kermit
Uh, listen, I — I'm sorry about the battle of the drums, Buddy.
Buddy
Well, that's alright. Kermit. I'm just glad it wasn't the battle of the pianos. That little devil would have killed me. (tosses the drum)
Kermit
Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around Buddy and compliment him as the credits roll.