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The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 522: Buddy Rich.

Cold open

Pops dances. Buddy enters.
Pops Oh, I love to boogie. Boogie-woo- Hey. Hey, who are you?
Buddy I'm Buddy Rich, world famous drummer.
Pops We already got one. Ever hear of a drummer called Animal?
Buddy Are you kidding? All drummers are animals. Now, where's my dressing room?
Pops It's up the stairs. They're getting it ready for ya.
The lights dim and flicker.
Buddy What was that? Somebody's testing my chair?
Pops (chuckles) No, no, no. We — we're having power trouble. Nothin' to worry about.
Buddy Good. I just won't sit down.


Kermit It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Buddy Rich! Yaaayy!
The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
LipsTrumpet Opening.jpg
Gonzo open 412.jpg
When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head.

Opening number

Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show where our special guest tonight is the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, to get things rolling... eh? (the lights go dim) Uh, Scooter?
Scooter Yeah, boss?
Kermit What happened to the lights?
Scooter (looks up) They went out. (exits)
Kermit sighs. The lights come back up again.
Kermit Oh, good. Okay, to kick things off on The Muppet Show, here's a little sunshine.
In the opening number, "Good Day Sunshine", Fozzie plays a farmer, and Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Floyd, Janice, Gonzo and Scooter are the flower backup singers.
Fozzie All right, all you flowers! Gather 'round, you cute things, and sing! Ready, go!
The Muppets take the center stage and sing another chorus. The lights go out suddenly. Kermit enters with a flashlight.
Fozzie What happened to the lights?
Kermit Uh, it's nothing- nothing serious, folks. Uh, folks we — we just blew a fuse. (bumps into Gonzo) Uh, I'm sorry, Fozzie.
Gonzo I'm not Fozzie!
Kermit Oh, uh, Gonzo. Yes, I'm sorry about that. Listen, Scooter, would you go get us some flashlights?
Scooter Oh, okay, boss.
Kermit Okay, now listen. Everybody sing!
Fozzie (stuttering) Kermit, how can we sing "Good Day Sunshine" when it's dark?
Kermit Uh, well, think of something. I've gotta go help Beauregard with the fuse box.
Floyd Good luck!
Gonzo Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn.
Scooter and Beaker arrive with some flashlights.
Scooter Well, here are the flashlights.
Fozzie Heh. Somebody play something.
Upbeat jazz music begins playing.
Fozzie Could you give me a flashlight? Thank you. How do you work this? Oh yeah.
Fozzie leads them in singing "Dancing in the Dark".
Janice Ooh, will you watch it?
Fozzie Sorry. (continues singing)
Lew Zealand Hey, let go! That's MY fish!
Fozzie Oh! I'm sorry, Lew. Sorry, fish.
They finish singing. Applause. Statler and Waldorf wear mining hardhats.
Statler You think this is better than their usual show?
Waldorf Of course not. Can't hold a candle to it.
They chuckle.


Beauregard stands on a ladder as Kermit watches.
Kermit Uh, Beauregard, did you find that fuse?
Beauregard I can't see anything. There's all these wires in the way.
Kermit Well, hurry up. The audience is getting restless.
Beauregard Oh, we don't want them to go nighty-night. I'll just take out some of these wires. And, like...
He gets an electric shock and falls off the ladder.
Kermit Are you okay?
Beauregard I think the fuse box bit me. Kermit — *sniff* — I don't want to play with fuses anymore, okay?
Kermit Uh, okay, Beauregard. Uh, why don't you just go get some candles? Okay?
Beauregard Okay.
Scooter Good news, chief.
Kermit Yeah?
Scooter It wasn't Miss Piggy's hot plate after all.
Kermit Oh? Her hair dryer then?
Miss Piggy (sarcastic laugh) No. It was that creep Gonzo. He was trying to air condition his closet.
Gonzo (whoosh!) Nothing but the best for my mildew collection. Heh-ha.
Miss Piggy You're disgusting.
Kermit Uh, would you guys knock it off back there? We've got a show to do. Now what can I send out there on a dark stage?
Gonzo Why don't you introduce the Black Cat Acrobats of Kankakee?
Kermit Uh, but they're not here.
Gonzo Nobody will ever notice. (laughs)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Um, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please?
Crazy Harry provides more light with a lit stick of dynamite.
Newsman Than you very much. That's much better. (reads) With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a boom—
BOOM! goes the dynamite.

Dressing room

It's still dark. Kermit knocks and enters.
Kermit Uh, excuse me Buddy. Can I see you?
Buddy Kermit, that's the dumbest thing anyone's said tonight.
Kermit Uh, listen. I just wanted to tell you, we'll have the lights back on soon.
Buddy Don't worry about me. I've got eyes like a cat.
He knocks over the hatrack.
Buddy A really clumsy cat.
The lights come on.
Both Ah!
The lights go off.
Both Awwww.
The lights come on again.
Both Ah!
Kermit Well, now that the crisis is over, when can you do your number?
Buddy Oh, anytime you want me to, Kermit.
Kermit Uh-huh. Do you need to talk to the band?
Buddy Who needs a band?
Kermit Oh. No band? Fantastic. Just you and a drum kit.
Buddy Who needs drums?
Kermit No drums?
Buddy No drums. You just go right into it —
He picks up his sticks and begins drumming the table, then moves around the room, banging rhythmically on various objects.
Kermit Hey, you know what? You should be doing this on stage.
Buddy To the stage!
Kermit To the stage!
Buddy continues tapping on everything in his path on his way out the dressing room, down the stairs, and finally to the stage. Among those in his path include a ladder, a telephone, a chandelier, Dr. Bunsen's head and Beaker's helmet.
Buddy When I play a theatre, I play the theatre.
Buddy finally drums his way to the stage, but once he sits down at the drum set, the lights go off.
Buddy Darn!
Waldorf Well, it's too dark to see this show.
Statler I'll say.
Waldorf And my hearing aid is busted, so I can't hear it.
Statler Oh, you must be having a wonderful time! (laughs)
Waldorf No, I'm having a wonderful time! (laughs)


It's still dark backstage.
Scooter Hey, chief?
Kermit Yeah?
Scooter I rigged up an emergency work light.
Kermit Oh, good going, Scooter. How'd you do that?
Scooter Well, remember how Beauregard pulled all those wires out of the fuse box and got a big shock?
Kermit Yeah.
Scooter Well, I just put two and two together, and...
Beauregard emerges with a lightbulb in his mouth.
Kermit Is he alright?
Scooter Oh, sure. I think he got a real charge out of it. (laughs)
Kermit Listen, I just don't want him to get run down or anything.
Scooter Aww! (laughs)
Kermit Are you okay, Beau?
Beauregard (opens his mouth) I'm fine.
The lightbulb falls out of his mouth. Scooter facepalms.
Beauregard Did I do something wrong?

Dressing room

Buddy lights some candles all around the dressing room.
Buddy Why do I have this urge to sing "Happy Birthday"?
A knock on the door.
Buddy Come in.
Beauregard enters, panting.
Buddy Hey, Beau. How ya doing?
Beauregard Oh, just terrible.
Buddy Aww.
Beauregard The electric stuff won't go through the wires — and everybody's blaming me.
Buddy Oh, you're the one that's caused this mess.
Beauregard You see what I mean? Everybody's out to get me. Could I use your window?
Buddy Well, I know it's bad, Beau, but don't jump.
Beauregard Jump? I was just going to take a nap on the fire escape. That is, unless you know any inspirational songs.
Buddy Inspirational songs? Have I got the song for you.
Music swells up.
Buddy When you think you've hit the bottom …
Beauregard Yeah?
Buddy And you're feeling really low …
Beauregard Uh-huh.

You mustn't feel discouraged --
There's always one step further down you can go.

Beauregard Golly, I'm starting to get inspired.
Buddy When you're lying in the gutter...
Beauregard Yeah — Feeling just a bit unsure…

Just wait until tomorrow --
You may be lying flat faced down in a sewer.

Beauregard Golly, think of all those sewers!
Buddy Don't be afraid of a little rumble.
Beauregard No!
Buddy What's that, for goodness sake?
Beauregard It's nothing!
Buddy Just remember, one little rumble started the 'Frisco Quake.
Beauregard What?
Buddy Take it, Beau!

When I'm living on a park bench,
Eating grass 'cause I've no dough...


Your luck will change mañana --
You may be six feet under, helping it grow.
So just remember, when you're lower than low,
There's always one step further down …

Beauregard Oh yeah! There's always one step further down …
Both There's always one step further down … you can go!
Applause. They shake hands.
Beauregard Wow, thanks Mr. Rich. I feel a lot worse. (exits)
Buddy I like to help.

Veterinarian's Hospital

Piggy, holding a flashlight, makes her way through a dark operating room.
Announcer Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy Where are you guys?
Rowlf We're over here.
Miss Piggy Oh. Oh. Ahem.
Janice Oh, Dr. Bob, it's so dark, you can't see your hand in front of your face.
Rowlf That's okay, I remember what it looks like. It's brown and has these five pointy things sticking out.
Miss Piggy Ew. Dr. Bob, cancel the operation, it's too dangerous. Nobody can see anything.
Rowlf Well, if that includes the audience, it'll be the safest bit we've ever done. (laughs)
Miss Piggy (groans)
Rowlf Just a second.
He ducks under the table, then re-emerges wearing a mining helmet and a pick.
Rowlf Ah-ha!
Miss Piggy That's a miner's lamp.
Rowlf Yes. And, a pick. Heh-ha. Now, where's the patient?
Miss Piggy You can't use a pick on the patient.
Rowlf I can on the patient's pockets. (laughs)
Miss Piggy (groans)
Rowlf Now, where is he?
Janice Right here, Dr. Bob. He was trying to fix the power line and got a severe shock.
Rowlf Oh.
Miss Piggy When he sees who his doctor is, he'll get another one. (she and Janice groan)
Janice No, not that kind of shock. He's had ten thousand volts.
Rowlf Gee, that should be enough to get him elected. (laughs) What was he running for?
Miss Piggy The hills if he had any sense.
Janice (groans) Not votes, volts.
Rowlf Oh, in that case, run some volts through him again.
Janice Again?
Rowlf Yes, it's called revolting.
Piggy & Janice (in unison) It certainly is.
Announcer And, so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf Listen, if it's still dark when the patient comes to, give him this.
Miss Piggy That's a ballpoint pen with a little light.
Rowlf Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy What good is that?
Rowlf He can see to sign the check.
They all laugh. Fade to black.

UK spot

A group of British Whatnots sing "A Transport of Delight" while riding a double-decker bus.


It's still dark backstage.
Kermit Uh, listen Bunsen. For once, your goofy inventions had better do some good, because we've got to get the lights going around here.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Uh, not to worry, Mr. Kermit. I will easily power all of the lights with this portable generator.
Kermit Yeah? This is portable?
They walk over to the device, which is three times as big as the two of them combined.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Yes, it's a miracle of micro electronics.
Kermit Yeah, well what's it run on? Uh, batteries? Gasoline?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew No indeedy-doody. This is the age of Beaker power.
Beaker peeks from inside the machine, meeping.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Soon, electricity will be coursing through the entire theatre. Alright Beakie, start running.
Beaker starts running, powering the generator like a hamster wheel.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew I'll just make a few minor adjustments.
Kermit Yeah?
The generator goes faster. Beaker's eyes light up.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew The connections may not be quite right yet.
Beaker continues running, his eyes still flickering.

Dressing room

Buddy sets up some karate planks, as the lights come back on.
Buddy Oh, that's better.
A knock on the door.
Buddy Come in.
Miss Piggy Oh, excusez-moi, Buddy dear.
Buddy Hi, Miss Piggy. Come on in.
Miss Piggy I — I just had to come in and tell you that I think you're a truly great drummer.
Buddy Why, thank you, Miss Piggy. I think you're a very large singer.
Miss Piggy I beg your pardon?
Buddy Oh, nothing. I'm really glad you came by.
Miss Piggy Oh?
Buddy I have a question for you.
Miss Piggy Oh, yes. Ahem.
Buddy Well, you know I'm kind of interested in karate—
Miss Piggy Oh, Buddy dear, say no more. Of course I shall give you some pointers. Uh, I am a … pink belt. Ahem.
Buddy Really?
Miss Piggy Mm-hmm. Oh now, Buddy dear. First of all, you should put away those silly-nilly boards. Beginners can only hurt themselves on that sort of thing. (he nods) Buddy, karate is a peaceful activity. A beginner need not dwell on the violence and aggression. First you must learn to be at peace with—
She screams in shock as Buddy suddenly chops a plank in half with his elbow.
Miss Piggy Holy guacamole!
Buddy Black belt.
Miss Piggy Gotcha.
The lights go out.
Buddy And speaking of black…
Miss Piggy Oh, no. I cannot stand it. Not again. I am a star. I will not put up with this stumbling around blind.
Buddy It's too bad lard doesn't glow in the dark.
Miss Piggy Pardon?
Buddy I said, it's too bad lard doesn't—
Miss Piggy Hi-YAH!
She karate-chops him. The lights come back on.
Buddy Say, where'd you learn to aim so good without lights?
Miss Piggy Oh, just a … chop in the dark.
Buddy grins.


It's no longer dark backstage.
Kermit Okay, good old Bunsen and Beaker. That generator has just saved the day, alright. Let's see, uh, (through the intercom) Swedish Chef on stage next, Swedish Chef, please.
The Chef wears dark sunglasses.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish)
Kermit Yeah, well, thanks Chef. I'm very pleased, too.
The lights go out. The Chef bumps into the wall.
Kermit Hey. Hey, listen, guys. What's the matter?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew Oh, I'm afraid poor little Beaker is getting tired.
Beaker Whew!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew We'll have to throw the overdrive lever.
Kermit Well, what does the overdrive lever do?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew It puts an angry tiger in the wheel with him.
Bunsen throws the overdrive lever. Beaker runs away from the tiger as the lights come back on.

The Swedish Chef

Open on the Chef, with a colander full of vegetables.
Swedish Chef (sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the colander.
Swedish Chef (mock Swedish) … de yëemy-yümmi søüfflé. (displays it) Mmmmmm. De pëefÿ-pøüffy søüfflé.
The soufflé starts floating around.
Swedish Chef Søüfflé? Cøme, cøme. Cøme båck hëre. Hëre — hëre. Søüfflé! Cøme båck … (mock Swedish)
He aims a bow and arrow at it.
Swedish Chef Søüfflé, cøme!
He shoots it. It lands on the table, flat as a pancake. The Chef removes the arrow and tosses the flat soufflé away.
Swedish Chef De frïsbëe-søüfflé. (nods, shrugs)


As Buddy talks to Kermit, Bunsen checks the generator and walks away.
Buddy Say, Kermit. I understand for the show's finale you want me to do some kind of a drum battle.
Kermit Oh yeah. I just love drum battles.
Buddy Okay. Who do I battle? The other guy. You know, the one that loses.
Kermit Ha ha. Uh, Animal.
Buddy Animal? That's really his name?
Kermit Mmm.
Floyd enters, with Animal on a chain, growling.
Floyd Easy, Animal.
Buddy He looks like a sore loser. (Kermit chuckles)
Floyd Heh. If this chain breaks, you'll be a sore winner.
Kermit Uh, listen, uh, I'll just go ahead and introduce you. Floyd, get Animal ready.
Floyd Animal. You ready?
Animal (glances at Buddy) Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Buddy Yeah. He's ready. (goes onstage)
Animal Drum battle! Drum battle! (Floyd restrains him)

Drum battle

Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, the drum battle of the century! Yes. In one corner, our own ever-popular Animal...
Animal (babbles)
Kermit Uh, and in the other corner, The Muppet Show’s own fearless guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
Buddy plays along to an instrumental of "It Don't Mean a Thing", followed by a long drum battle with Animal. At the climax, Animal throws a snare drum onto Buddy's head.
Buddy Darn it! There go the lights again!
Animal finishes up. Applause.


Kermit Okay, well we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies...
Buddy (off-screen) Hey, Kermit. Wait'll I get this thing off. Okay?
Kermit Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
Buddy emerges, holding the drum Animal threw at him. Applause.
Kermit Uh, listen, I — I'm sorry about the battle of the drums, Buddy.
Buddy Well, that's alright. Kermit. I'm just glad it wasn't the battle of the pianos. That little devil would have killed me. (tosses the drum)
Kermit Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppets gather around Buddy and compliment him as the credits roll.
Waldorf Where were you when the lights went out?
Statler In the dark. Where else, you old fool?