The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 522: Buddy Rich.
Cold open
Pops dances. Buddy enters. | |
Pops | Oh, I love to boogie. Boogie-woo- Hey. Hey, who are you? |
Buddy | I'm Buddy Rich, world famous drummer. |
Pops | We already got one. Ever hear of a drummer called Animal? |
Buddy | Are you kidding? All drummers are animals. Now, where's my dressing room? |
Pops | It's up the stairs. They're getting it ready for ya. |
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The lights dim and flicker. | |
Buddy | What was that? Somebody's testing my chair? |
Pops | (chuckles) No, no, no. We — we're having power trouble. Nothin' to worry about. |
Buddy | Good. I just won't sit down. |
Theme
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Buddy Rich! Yaaayy! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
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When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head. |
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show where our special guest tonight is the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, to get things rolling... eh? (the lights go dim) Uh, Scooter? |
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Scooter | Yeah, boss? |
Kermit | What happened to the lights? |
Scooter | (looks up) They went out. (exits) |
Kermit sighs. The lights come back up again. | |
Kermit | Oh, good. Okay, to kick things off on The Muppet Show, here's a little sunshine. |
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In the opening number, "Good Day Sunshine", Fozzie plays a farmer, and Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Floyd, Janice, Gonzo and Scooter are the flower backup singers. | |
Fozzie | All right, all you flowers! Gather 'round, you cute things, and sing! Ready, go! |
The Muppets take the center stage and sing another chorus. The lights go out suddenly. Kermit enters with a flashlight. | |
Fozzie | What happened to the lights? |
Kermit | Uh, it's nothing- nothing serious, folks. Uh, folks we — we just blew a fuse. (bumps into Gonzo) Uh, I'm sorry, Fozzie. |
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Gonzo | I'm not Fozzie! |
Kermit | Oh, uh, Gonzo. Yes, I'm sorry about that. Listen, Scooter, would you go get us some flashlights? |
Scooter | Oh, okay, boss. |
Kermit | Okay, now listen. Everybody sing! |
Fozzie | (stuttering) Kermit, how can we sing "Good Day Sunshine" when it's dark? |
Kermit | Uh, well, think of something. I've gotta go help Beauregard with the fuse box. |
Floyd | Good luck! |
Gonzo | Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn. |
Scooter and Beaker arrive with some flashlights. | |
Scooter | Well, here are the flashlights. |
Fozzie | Heh. Somebody play something. |
Upbeat jazz music begins playing. | |
Fozzie | Could you give me a flashlight? Thank you. How do you work this? Oh yeah. |
Fozzie leads them in singing "Dancing in the Dark". | |
Janice | Ooh, will you watch it? |
Fozzie | Sorry. (continues singing) |
Lew Zealand | Hey, let go! That's MY fish! |
Fozzie | Oh! I'm sorry, Lew. Sorry, fish. |
They finish singing. Applause. Statler and Waldorf wear mining hardhats. | |
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Statler | You think this is better than their usual show? |
Waldorf | Of course not. Can't hold a candle to it. |
They chuckle. |
Backstage
Beauregard stands on a ladder as Kermit watches. | |
Kermit | Uh, Beauregard, did you find that fuse? |
Beauregard | I can't see anything. There's all these wires in the way. |
Kermit | Well, hurry up. The audience is getting restless. |
Beauregard | Oh, we don't want them to go nighty-night. I'll just take out some of these wires. And, like... |
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He gets an electric shock and falls off the ladder. | |
Kermit | Are you okay? |
Beauregard | I think the fuse box bit me. Kermit — *sniff* — I don't want to play with fuses anymore, okay? |
Kermit | Uh, okay, Beauregard. Uh, why don't you just go get some candles? Okay? |
Beauregard | Okay. |
Scooter | Good news, chief. |
Kermit | Yeah? |
Scooter | It wasn't Miss Piggy's hot plate after all. |
Kermit | Oh? Her hair dryer then? |
Miss Piggy | (sarcastic laugh) No. It was that creep Gonzo. He was trying to air condition his closet. |
Gonzo | (whoosh!) Nothing but the best for my mildew collection. Heh-ha. |
Miss Piggy | You're disgusting. |
Kermit | Uh, would you guys knock it off back there? We've got a show to do. Now what can I send out there on a dark stage? |
Gonzo | Why don't you introduce the Black Cat Acrobats of Kankakee? |
Kermit | Uh, but they're not here. |
Gonzo | Nobody will ever notice. (laughs) |
Muppet newsflash
Newsman | Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Um, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please? |
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Crazy Harry provides more light with a lit stick of dynamite. | |
Newsman | Than you very much. That's much better. (reads) With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a boom— |
BOOM! goes the dynamite. |
Dressing room
Backstage
Dressing room
Buddy lights some candles all around the dressing room. | |
Buddy | Why do I have this urge to sing "Happy Birthday"? |
A knock on the door. | |
Buddy | Come in. |
Beauregard enters, panting. | |
Buddy | Hey, Beau. How ya doing? |
Beauregard | Oh, just terrible. |
Buddy | Aww. |
Beauregard | The electric stuff won't go through the wires — and everybody's blaming me. |
Buddy | Oh, you're the one that's caused this mess. |
Beauregard | You see what I mean? Everybody's out to get me. Could I use your window? |
Buddy | Well, I know it's bad, Beau, but don't jump. |
Beauregard | Jump? I was just going to take a nap on the fire escape. That is, unless you know any inspirational songs. |
Buddy | Inspirational songs? Have I got the song for you. |
Music swells up. | |
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Buddy | When you think you've hit the bottom … |
Beauregard | Yeah? |
Buddy | And you're feeling really low … |
Beauregard | Uh-huh. |
Buddy |
You mustn't feel discouraged -- |
Beauregard | Golly, I'm starting to get inspired. |
Buddy | When you're lying in the gutter... |
Beauregard | Yeah — Feeling just a bit unsure… |
Buddy |
Just wait until tomorrow -- |
Beauregard | Golly, think of all those sewers! |
Buddy | Don't be afraid of a little rumble. |
Beauregard | No! |
Buddy | What's that, for goodness sake? |
Beauregard | It's nothing! |
Buddy | Just remember, one little rumble started the 'Frisco Quake. |
Beauregard | What? |
Buddy | Take it, Beau! |
Beauregard |
When I'm living on a park bench, |
Buddy |
Your luck will change mañana -- |
Beauregard | Oh yeah! There's always one step further down … |
Both | There's always one step further down … you can go! |
Applause. They shake hands. | |
Beauregard | Wow, thanks Mr. Rich. I feel a lot worse. (exits) |
Buddy | I like to help. |
Veterinarian's Hospital
Piggy, holding a flashlight, makes her way through a dark operating room. | |
Announcer | Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs. |
Miss Piggy | Where are you guys? |
Rowlf | We're over here. |
Miss Piggy | Oh. Oh. Ahem. |
Janice | Oh, Dr. Bob, it's so dark, you can't see your hand in front of your face. |
Rowlf | That's okay, I remember what it looks like. It's brown and has these five pointy things sticking out. |
Miss Piggy | Ew. Dr. Bob, cancel the operation, it's too dangerous. Nobody can see anything. |
Rowlf | Well, if that includes the audience, it'll be the safest bit we've ever done. (laughs) |
Miss Piggy | (groans) |
Rowlf | Just a second. |
He ducks under the table, then re-emerges wearing a mining helmet and a pick. | |
Rowlf | Ah-ha! |
Miss Piggy | That's a miner's lamp. |
Rowlf | Yes. And, a pick. Heh-ha. Now, where's the patient? |
Miss Piggy | You can't use a pick on the patient. |
Rowlf | I can on the patient's pockets. (laughs) |
Miss Piggy | (groans) |
Rowlf | Now, where is he? |
Janice | Right here, Dr. Bob. He was trying to fix the power line and got a severe shock. |
Rowlf | Oh. |
Miss Piggy | When he sees who his doctor is, he'll get another one. (she and Janice groan) |
Janice | No, not that kind of shock. He's had ten thousand volts. |
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Rowlf | Gee, that should be enough to get him elected. (laughs) What was he running for? |
Miss Piggy | The hills if he had any sense. |
Janice | (groans) Not votes, volts. |
Rowlf | Oh, in that case, run some volts through him again. |
Janice | Again? |
Rowlf | Yes, it's called revolting. |
Piggy & Janice | (in unison) It certainly is. |
Announcer | And, so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say... |
Rowlf | Listen, if it's still dark when the patient comes to, give him this. |
Miss Piggy | That's a ballpoint pen with a little light. |
Rowlf | Mm-hmm. |
Miss Piggy | What good is that? |
Rowlf | He can see to sign the check. |
They all laugh. Fade to black. |
UK spot
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A group of British Whatnots sing "A Transport of Delight" while riding a double-decker bus. |
Backstage
It's still dark backstage. | |
Kermit | Uh, listen Bunsen. For once, your goofy inventions had better do some good, because we've got to get the lights going around here. |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | Uh, not to worry, Mr. Kermit. I will easily power all of the lights with this portable generator. |
Kermit | Yeah? This is portable? |
They walk over to the device, which is three times as big as the two of them combined. | |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | Yes, it's a miracle of micro electronics. |
Kermit | Yeah, well what's it run on? Uh, batteries? Gasoline? |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | No indeedy-doody. This is the age of Beaker power. |
Beaker peeks from inside the machine, meeping. | |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | Soon, electricity will be coursing through the entire theatre. Alright Beakie, start running. |
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Beaker starts running, powering the generator like a hamster wheel. | |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | I'll just make a few minor adjustments. |
Kermit | Yeah? |
The generator goes faster. Beaker's eyes light up. | |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | The connections may not be quite right yet. |
Beaker continues running, his eyes still flickering. |
Dressing room
Backstage
It's no longer dark backstage. | |
Kermit | Okay, good old Bunsen and Beaker. That generator has just saved the day, alright. Let's see, uh, (through the intercom) Swedish Chef on stage next, Swedish Chef, please. |
The Chef wears dark sunglasses. | |
Swedish Chef | (mock Swedish) |
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Kermit | Yeah, well, thanks Chef. I'm very pleased, too. |
The lights go out. The Chef bumps into the wall. | |
Kermit | Hey. Hey, listen, guys. What's the matter? |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | Oh, I'm afraid poor little Beaker is getting tired. |
Beaker | Whew! |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | We'll have to throw the overdrive lever. |
Kermit | Well, what does the overdrive lever do? |
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew | It puts an angry tiger in the wheel with him. |
Bunsen throws the overdrive lever. Beaker runs away from the tiger as the lights come back on. | |
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The Swedish Chef
Backstage
Drum battle
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, the drum battle of the century! Yes. In one corner, our own ever-popular Animal... |
Animal | (babbles) |
Kermit | Uh, and in the other corner, The Muppet Show’s own fearless guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay! |
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Buddy plays along to an instrumental of "It Don't Mean a Thing", followed by a long drum battle with Animal. At the climax, Animal throws a snare drum onto Buddy's head. | |
Buddy | Darn it! There go the lights again! |
Animal finishes up. Applause. |