Episode 522: Buddy Rich/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 522: Buddy Rich.

Cold open

	Pops dances. Buddy enters.
Pops	Oh, I love to boogie. Boogie-woo- Hey. Hey, who are you?
Buddy	I'm Buddy Rich, world famous drummer.
Pops	We already got one. Ever hear of a drummer called Animal?
Buddy	Are you kidding? All drummers are animals. Now, where's my dressing room?
Pops	It's up the stairs. They're getting it ready for ya.
	The lights dim and flicker.
Buddy	What was that? Somebody's testing my chair?
Pops	(chuckles) No, no, no. We — we're having power trouble. Nothin' to worry about.
Buddy	Good. I just won't sit down.

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Buddy Rich! Yaaayy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, a long, blue, furry arm wearing a boxing gloves punches him in the side of the head.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show where our special guest tonight is the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! (audience oohs) Yes. But first, to get things rolling... eh? (the lights go dim) Uh, Scooter?
Scooter	Yeah, boss?
Kermit	What happened to the lights?
Scooter	(looks up) They went out. (exits)
	Kermit sighs. The lights come back up again.
Kermit	Oh, good. Okay, to kick things off on The Muppet Show, here's a little sunshine.
	In the opening number, "Good Day Sunshine", Fozzie plays a farmer, and Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Floyd, Janice, Gonzo and Scooter are the flower backup singers.
Fozzie	All right, all you flowers! Gather 'round, you cute things, and sing! Ready, go!
	The Muppets take the center stage and sing another chorus. The lights go out suddenly. Kermit enters with a flashlight.
Fozzie	What happened to the lights?
Kermit	Uh, it's nothing- nothing serious, folks. Uh, folks we — we just blew a fuse. (bumps into Gonzo) Uh, I'm sorry, Fozzie.
Gonzo	I'm not Fozzie!
Kermit	Oh, uh, Gonzo. Yes, I'm sorry about that. Listen, Scooter, would you go get us some flashlights?
Scooter	Oh, okay, boss.
Kermit	Okay, now listen. Everybody sing!
Fozzie	(stuttering) Kermit, how can we sing "Good Day Sunshine" when it's dark?
Kermit	Uh, well, think of something. I've gotta go help Beauregard with the fuse box.
Floyd	Good luck!
Gonzo	Remember, it's always darkest just before dawn.
	Scooter and Beaker arrive with some flashlights.
Scooter	Well, here are the flashlights.
Fozzie	Heh. Somebody play something.
	Upbeat jazz music begins playing.
Fozzie	Could you give me a flashlight? Thank you. How do you work this? Oh yeah.
	Fozzie leads them in singing "Dancing in the Dark".
Janice	Ooh, will you watch it?
Fozzie	Sorry. (continues singing)
Lew Zealand	Hey, let go! That's MY fish!
Fozzie	Oh! I'm sorry, Lew. Sorry, fish.
	They finish singing. Applause. Statler and Waldorf wear mining hardhats.
Statler	You think this is better than their usual show?
Waldorf	Of course not. Can't hold a candle to it.
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Beauregard stands on a ladder as Kermit watches.
Kermit	Uh, Beauregard, did you find that fuse?
Beauregard	I can't see anything. There's all these wires in the way.
Kermit	Well, hurry up. The audience is getting restless.
Beauregard	Oh, we don't want them to go nighty-night. I'll just take out some of these wires. And, like...
	He gets an electric shock and falls off the ladder.
Kermit	Are you okay?
Beauregard	I think the fuse box bit me. Kermit — *sniff* — I don't want to play with fuses anymore, okay?
Kermit	Uh, okay, Beauregard. Uh, why don't you just go get some candles? Okay?
Beauregard	Okay.
Scooter	Good news, chief.
Kermit	Yeah?
Scooter	It wasn't Miss Piggy's hot plate after all.
Kermit	Oh? Her hair dryer then?
Miss Piggy	(sarcastic laugh) No. It was that creep Gonzo. He was trying to air condition his closet.
Gonzo	(whoosh!) Nothing but the best for my mildew collection. Heh-ha.
Miss Piggy	You're disgusting.
Kermit	Uh, would you guys knock it off back there? We've got a show to do. Now what can I send out there on a dark stage?
Gonzo	Why don't you introduce the Black Cat Acrobats of Kankakee?
Kermit	Uh, but they're not here.
Gonzo	Nobody will ever notice. (laughs)

Muppet newsflash

Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. (runs to the desk) Um, it's too dark in here to read the news by. Can we have a bigger candle, please?
	Crazy Harry provides more light with a lit stick of dynamite.
Newsman	Than you very much. That's much better. (reads) With the discovery of gold, local residents are expecting a boom—
	BOOM! goes the dynamite.

Dressing room

	It's still dark. Kermit knocks and enters.
Kermit	Uh, excuse me Buddy. Can I see you?
Buddy	Kermit, that's the dumbest thing anyone's said tonight.
Kermit	Uh, listen. I just wanted to tell you, we'll have the lights back on soon.
Buddy	Don't worry about me. I've got eyes like a cat.
	He knocks over the hatrack.
Buddy	A really clumsy cat.
	The lights come on.
Both	Ah!
	The lights go off.
Both	Awwww.
	The lights come on again.
Both	Ah!
Kermit	Well, now that the crisis is over, when can you do your number?
Buddy	Oh, anytime you want me to, Kermit.
Kermit	Uh-huh. Do you need to talk to the band?
Buddy	Who needs a band?
Kermit	Oh. No band? Fantastic. Just you and a drum kit.
Buddy	Who needs drums?
Kermit	No drums?
Buddy	No drums. You just go right into it —
	He picks up his sticks and begins drumming the table, then moves around the room, banging rhythmically on various objects.
Kermit	Hey, you know what? You should be doing this on stage.
Buddy	To the stage!
Kermit	To the stage!
	Buddy continues tapping on everything in his path on his way out the dressing room, down the stairs, and finally to the stage. Among those in his path include a ladder, a telephone, a chandelier, Dr. Bunsen's head and Beaker's helmet.
Buddy	When I play a theatre, I play the theatre.
	Buddy finally drums his way to the stage, but once he sits down at the drum set, the lights go off.
Buddy	Darn!
Waldorf	Well, it's too dark to see this show.
Statler	I'll say.
Waldorf	And my hearing aid is busted, so I can't hear it.
Statler	Oh, you must be having a wonderful time! (laughs)
Waldorf	No, I'm having a wonderful time! (laughs)

Backstage

	It's still dark backstage.
Scooter	Hey, chief?
Kermit	Yeah?
Scooter	I rigged up an emergency work light.
Kermit	Oh, good going, Scooter. How'd you do that?
Scooter	Well, remember how Beauregard pulled all those wires out of the fuse box and got a big shock?
Kermit	Yeah.
Scooter	Well, I just put two and two together, and...
	Beauregard emerges with a lightbulb in his mouth.
Kermit	Is he alright?
Scooter	Oh, sure. I think he got a real charge out of it. (laughs)
Kermit	Listen, I just don't want him to get run down or anything.
Scooter	Aww! (laughs)
Kermit	Are you okay, Beau?
Beauregard	(opens his mouth) I'm fine.
	The lightbulb falls out of his mouth. Scooter facepalms.
Beauregard	Did I do something wrong?

Dressing room

	Buddy lights some candles all around the dressing room.
Buddy	Why do I have this urge to sing "Happy Birthday"?
	A knock on the door.
Buddy	Come in.
	Beauregard enters, panting.
Buddy	Hey, Beau. How ya doing?
Beauregard	Oh, just terrible.
Buddy	Aww.
Beauregard	The electric stuff won't go through the wires — and everybody's blaming me.
Buddy	Oh, you're the one that's caused this mess.
Beauregard	You see what I mean? Everybody's out to get me. Could I use your window?
Buddy	Well, I know it's bad, Beau, but don't jump.
Beauregard	Jump? I was just going to take a nap on the fire escape. That is, unless you know any inspirational songs.
Buddy	Inspirational songs? Have I got the song for you.
	Music swells up.
Buddy	When you think you've hit the bottom …
Beauregard	Yeah?
Buddy	And you're feeling really low …
Beauregard	Uh-huh.
Buddy	You mustn't feel discouraged -- There's always one step further down you can go.
Beauregard	Golly, I'm starting to get inspired.
Buddy	When you're lying in the gutter...
Beauregard	Yeah — Feeling just a bit unsure…
Buddy	Just wait until tomorrow -- You may be lying flat faced down in a sewer.
Beauregard	Golly, think of all those sewers!
Buddy	Don't be afraid of a little rumble.
Beauregard	No!
Buddy	What's that, for goodness sake?
Beauregard	It's nothing!
Buddy	Just remember, one little rumble started the 'Frisco Quake.
Beauregard	What?
Buddy	Take it, Beau!
Beauregard	When I'm living on a park bench, Eating grass 'cause I've no dough...
Buddy	Your luck will change mañana -- You may be six feet under, helping it grow. So just remember, when you're lower than low, There's always one step further down …
Beauregard	Oh yeah! There's always one step further down …
Both	There's always one step further down … you can go!
	Applause. They shake hands.
Beauregard	Wow, thanks Mr. Rich. I feel a lot worse. (exits)
Buddy	I like to help.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Piggy, holding a flashlight, makes her way through a dark operating room.
Announcer	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy	Where are you guys?
Rowlf	We're over here.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Oh. Ahem.
Janice	Oh, Dr. Bob, it's so dark, you can't see your hand in front of your face.
Rowlf	That's okay, I remember what it looks like. It's brown and has these five pointy things sticking out.
Miss Piggy	Ew. Dr. Bob, cancel the operation, it's too dangerous. Nobody can see anything.
Rowlf	Well, if that includes the audience, it'll be the safest bit we've ever done. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	(groans)
Rowlf	Just a second.
	He ducks under the table, then re-emerges wearing a mining helmet and a pick.
Rowlf	Ah-ha!
Miss Piggy	That's a miner's lamp.
Rowlf	Yes. And, a pick. Heh-ha. Now, where's the patient?
Miss Piggy	You can't use a pick on the patient.
Rowlf	I can on the patient's pockets. (laughs)
Miss Piggy	(groans)
Rowlf	Now, where is he?
Janice	Right here, Dr. Bob. He was trying to fix the power line and got a severe shock.
Rowlf	Oh.
Miss Piggy	When he sees who his doctor is, he'll get another one. (she and Janice groan)
Janice	No, not that kind of shock. He's had ten thousand volts.
Rowlf	Gee, that should be enough to get him elected. (laughs) What was he running for?
Miss Piggy	The hills if he had any sense.
Janice	(groans) Not votes, volts.
Rowlf	Oh, in that case, run some volts through him again.
Janice	Again?
Rowlf	Yes, it's called revolting.
Piggy & Janice	(in unison) It certainly is.
Announcer	And, so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf	Listen, if it's still dark when the patient comes to, give him this.
Miss Piggy	That's a ballpoint pen with a little light.
Rowlf	Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy	What good is that?
Rowlf	He can see to sign the check.
	They all laugh. Fade to black.

UK spot

	A group of British Whatnots sing "A Transport of Delight" while riding a double-decker bus.

Backstage

	It's still dark backstage.
Kermit	Uh, listen Bunsen. For once, your goofy inventions had better do some good, because we've got to get the lights going around here.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Uh, not to worry, Mr. Kermit. I will easily power all of the lights with this portable generator.
Kermit	Yeah? This is portable?
	They walk over to the device, which is three times as big as the two of them combined.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, it's a miracle of micro electronics.
Kermit	Yeah, well what's it run on? Uh, batteries? Gasoline?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	No indeedy-doody. This is the age of Beaker power.
	Beaker peeks from inside the machine, meeping.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Soon, electricity will be coursing through the entire theatre. Alright Beakie, start running.
	Beaker starts running, powering the generator like a hamster wheel.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	I'll just make a few minor adjustments.
Kermit	Yeah?
	The generator goes faster. Beaker's eyes light up.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	The connections may not be quite right yet.
	Beaker continues running, his eyes still flickering.

Dressing room

	Buddy sets up some karate planks, as the lights come back on.
Buddy	Oh, that's better.
	A knock on the door.
Buddy	Come in.
Miss Piggy	Oh, excusez-moi, Buddy dear.
Buddy	Hi, Miss Piggy. Come on in.
Miss Piggy	I — I just had to come in and tell you that I think you're a truly great drummer.
Buddy	Why, thank you, Miss Piggy. I think you're a very large singer.
Miss Piggy	I beg your pardon?
Buddy	Oh, nothing. I'm really glad you came by.
Miss Piggy	Oh?
Buddy	I have a question for you.
Miss Piggy	Oh, yes. Ahem.
Buddy	Well, you know I'm kind of interested in karate—
Miss Piggy	Oh, Buddy dear, say no more. Of course I shall give you some pointers. Uh, I am a … pink belt. Ahem.
Buddy	Really?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. Oh now, Buddy dear. First of all, you should put away those silly-nilly boards. Beginners can only hurt themselves on that sort of thing. (he nods) Buddy, karate is a peaceful activity. A beginner need not dwell on the violence and aggression. First you must learn to be at peace with—
	She screams in shock as Buddy suddenly chops a plank in half with his elbow.
Miss Piggy	Holy guacamole!
Buddy	Black belt.
Miss Piggy	Gotcha.
	The lights go out.
Buddy	And speaking of black…
Miss Piggy	Oh, no. I cannot stand it. Not again. I am a star. I will not put up with this stumbling around blind.
Buddy	It's too bad lard doesn't glow in the dark.
Miss Piggy	Pardon?
Buddy	I said, it's too bad lard doesn't—
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!
	She karate-chops him. The lights come back on.
Buddy	Say, where'd you learn to aim so good without lights?
Miss Piggy	Oh, just a … chop in the dark.
	Buddy grins.

Backstage

	It's no longer dark backstage.
Kermit	Okay, good old Bunsen and Beaker. That generator has just saved the day, alright. Let's see, uh, (through the intercom) Swedish Chef on stage next, Swedish Chef, please.
	The Chef wears dark sunglasses.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
Kermit	Yeah, well, thanks Chef. I'm very pleased, too.
	The lights go out. The Chef bumps into the wall.
Kermit	Hey. Hey, listen, guys. What's the matter?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, I'm afraid poor little Beaker is getting tired.
Beaker	Whew!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	We'll have to throw the overdrive lever.
Kermit	Well, what does the overdrive lever do?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	It puts an angry tiger in the wheel with him.
	Bunsen throws the overdrive lever. Beaker runs away from the tiger as the lights come back on.

The Swedish Chef

	Open on the Chef, with a colander full of vegetables.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
	He tosses the colander.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de yëemy-yümmi søüfflé. (displays it) Mmmmmm. De pëefÿ-pøüffy søüfflé.
	The soufflé starts floating around.
Swedish Chef	Søüfflé? Cøme, cøme. Cøme båck hëre. Hëre — hëre. Søüfflé! Cøme båck … (mock Swedish)
	He aims a bow and arrow at it.
Swedish Chef	Søüfflé, cøme!
	He shoots it. It lands on the table, flat as a pancake. The Chef removes the arrow and tosses the flat soufflé away.
Swedish Chef	De frïsbëe-søüfflé. (nods, shrugs)

Backstage

	As Buddy talks to Kermit, Bunsen checks the generator and walks away.
Buddy	Say, Kermit. I understand for the show's finale you want me to do some kind of a drum battle.
Kermit	Oh yeah. I just love drum battles.
Buddy	Okay. Who do I battle? The other guy. You know, the one that loses.
Kermit	Ha ha. Uh, Animal.
Buddy	Animal? That's really his name?
Kermit	Mmm.
	Floyd enters, with Animal on a chain, growling.
Floyd	Easy, Animal.
Buddy	He looks like a sore loser. (Kermit chuckles)
Floyd	Heh. If this chain breaks, you'll be a sore winner.
Kermit	Uh, listen, uh, I'll just go ahead and introduce you. Floyd, get Animal ready.
Floyd	Animal. You ready?
Animal	(glances at Buddy) Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!
Buddy	Yeah. He's ready. (goes onstage)
Animal	Drum battle! Drum battle! (Floyd restrains him)

Drum battle

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Okay, uh. Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, the drum battle of the century! Yes. In one corner, our own ever-popular Animal...
Animal	(babbles)
Kermit	Uh, and in the other corner, The Muppet Show’s own fearless guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
	Buddy plays along to an instrumental of "It Don't Mean a Thing", followed by a long drum battle with Animal. At the climax, Animal throws a snare drum onto Buddy's head.
Buddy	Darn it! There go the lights again!
	Animal finishes up. Applause.

Goodnights

Kermit	Okay, well we've just about come down to the end of another one. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star, ladies...
Buddy	(off-screen) Hey, Kermit. Wait'll I get this thing off. Okay?
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the world's greatest drummer, Mr. Buddy Rich! Yaaay!
	Buddy emerges, holding the drum Animal threw at him. Applause.
Kermit	Uh, listen, I — I'm sorry about the battle of the drums, Buddy.
Buddy	Well, that's alright. Kermit. I'm just glad it wasn't the battle of the pianos. That little devil would have killed me. (tosses the drum)
Kermit	Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The Muppets gather around Buddy and compliment him as the credits roll.
Waldorf	Where were you when the lights went out?
Statler	In the dark. Where else, you old fool?