When Gonzo blows his trumpet, white sparks fly out.
Gonzo
Popcorn!
Opening act / Backstage[]
Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a dapper suit.
Kermit
Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And you picked a great show not to miss, because our guest star is one of the great singers of all time, Miss Linda Ronstadt! (audience cheers) Yes! But first, let's get things started with Bugsy Salsipueda and his hypnotized horse!
Bugsy and his horse take the stage. Bugsy dangles a watch in front of the horse. Meanwhile, backstage, Gonzo and Scooter lug a steamer trunk.
Scooter
This sure is heavy.
Gonzo
(grunts) It should be! It contains my entire fungus collection. (opens it)
Scooter
(flatly) Terrific.
Gonzo
Oh no! We forgot the mildew!
He runs off with Scooter, bumping into Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Will you — please watch it?! (looks in the trunk) Yuchhh!
Kermit straightens his outfit while looking in the mirror.
Miss Piggy
Kermie! Kermie?
Kermit
Hey, is she here yet?
Miss Piggy
Kermie. You're all dressed up.
Kermit
Well, of course. Linda Ronstadt is our guest.
Miss Piggy
Oh. Yes, the uh, ahem, girl singer.
Kermit
(nods) Oh, I just can't wait to meet her. She is terrific! And besides that, she's a real foxy lady.
Miss Piggy
Foxy lady?
Kermit
Uh, excuse me, I gotta get the flowers I ordered. (walks off)
Miss Piggy
Flowers? (hides her face) Oh, good grief, it's what's-her-name Ronstadt.
Linda comes out of her dressing room.
Linda
Hi, Miss Piggy. Have you seen Kermit?
Miss Piggy
(giggles) Many times, dear.
Linda
(comes downstairs) I've never met him and … well, I'm such a fan of his.
Miss Piggy
Oh, are you really, now? Heh.
Linda
Oh, there's something about him, well, he's … oh, he's just so earnest.
Miss Piggy
Uh huh. (leads her away) Um, uh, dear, uh, Kermit just might be behind stage, y'know, why don't you have a look over there, ahah, and you can put on the rest of your clothes. (grunts) Time for decisive action!
Kermit emerges with the flowers.
Kermit
Oh, Linda? I got some flow-AAH!
Piggy throws him in the steamer trunk and locks it.
Miss Piggy
That should be decisive enough. (exits)
Kermit
(from inside the trunk) Help? Help! Help!
"Blue Bayou"[]
On stage, the horse dangles the watch in front of the hypnotized Bugsy and snickers. Piggy shoos them away as a fanfare plays, then drags the Swedish Chef onstage.
Miss Piggy
Get off! Off! Get off! Get off!
Miss Piggy
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kermit has asked a friend of his to introduce … what's-her-face. Ahem. (exits)
The curtain opens on a cabin in the middle of a swamp. Floyd, Janice, Animal, Zeke and some frogs accompany Linda as she sings "Blue Bayou".
Waldorf
Oh, I thought that bayou number was okay, didn't you?
Statler
Well, it's okay by me if it's okay bayou!
They chuckle.
The Swedish Chef / Muppet newsflash[]
Open on the Chef, with a champagne bottle on the table. He plays with a glass as he sings.
Swedish Chef
(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
He tosses the glass away, and addresses the bottle.
Swedish Chef
(mock Swedish) … de bübblÿ-bübblÿ! (mock Swedish) de fïrstÿ, pøppën de cørkën.
He struggles to open the bottle. Finally, the cork propels him into the air. Fade to the newsroom.
Newsman
Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Local citizens have reported the sighting of an unidentified flying object. When last seen, it was directly over the Muppet newsroom.
PLOP! The Chef falls on the newsman.
"The Cat Came Back"[]
Rowlf plays the banjo and sings. A terrier in the house behind him plays the fiddle.
Rowlf
Little Bennie had a cat that they wouldn't let him keep, So he put her up for sale at a price he thought was cheap.
Rowlf
He took her to a neighbor to ask him for advice. He said…
Neighbor
Leave the kitty here. She can help me with the mice.
He takes Gaffer away, and she walks back to the porch.
Rowlf
But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away. She was sitting on the porch the very next day. The cat came back, she didn't want to roam. The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
Rover Joe pulls up in a yellow truck and drives off with Gaffer.
Rowlf
Then Bennie met a man who was driving way out West. He would take the cat along as a special honored guest. The steering wheel was wobbly, he drove into a tree …
crash
Rowlf
The car was just a total wreck as anyone could see …
But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away. She was sitting on the porch the very next day. The cat came back, she didn't want to roam. The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
A cannon is rolled into view.
Rowlf
So Bennie bought a gun from the Human Cannonball. He put the cat inside with Tri-Nitro Toluol. When he pulled the trigger, the cannon made a roar.
Explosion.
Rowlf
The neighbors all surrendered 'cause they thought it was a war …
Neighbors
(waving white flags) We surrender! We surrender! …
Rowlf & neighbors
But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away. She was sitting on the porch the very next day.
Rowlf
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam. The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
Last verse, here we go.
A dog gives Gaffer a bomb with a lit fuse.
Rowlf
Little Bennie gave the cat to a man who had a bomb. When he took the cat away, she was acting cool and calm. And then the bomb exploded, it made an awful sound…
Explosion. The house blows up.
Rowlf
They looked and looked for ages and the man was never found.
Buuuuut the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away. She was sitting on the porch the very next day. Sing!
Rowlf & neighbors
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam. The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
Rowlf
Very nice.
Applause.
Waldorf
Woof woof!
Statler
Meow.
They chuckle.
Backstage[]
Rowlf leads Gaffer and the dogs backstage.
Scooter
Well, I see the cat came back.
Rowlf
Well, we all came back. That's 'cause the number's over. C'mon, cat — whoa! Whooaaa!
Linda comes downstairs, fully dressed.
Linda
Kermit? Kermit? Have you seen Kermit?
Scooter
Well, no. But it's not like him to leave. I'll look for him for you. Uh, but don't touch that trunk. It's full of fungus. (runs off)
Linda
Yuchh! Thanks for the warning. Kermit?
Kermit
(from inside the trunk) Let me outta here.
She opens the trunk and he gasps for air. She holds her nose.
Linda
Eww. You're not fungus.
Kermit
(sniffs) I'm sorry about the smell.
Linda
You're Kermit the Frog!
Kermit
Oh — oh, Linda! I'm so glad you're doing the show!
Linda
Oh, I'm so pleased to be here.
Kermit
Oh, good! You know, I, I got some uh, I got some flowers for you … darn, they got crushed.
She sits down as music swells up.
Linda
Aww. Nothing wrong with crushes.
Kermit
Huh?
The lights dim. Linda sings.
Linda
I've got a crush on you …
Kermit
On me?
Linda
… Sweetie pie. Morning, noon and nighttime, hear me sigh, The world will pardon my mush…
Kermit
Um …
Linda
'Cause I have got a crush … my baby, on you.
Applause.
Kermit
I didn't know you could sing, Linda.
Linda
Um … maybe I'd better go get dressed for my next number.
Linda makes herself up in the mirror. Someone knocks on the door.
Linda
Is that you, Kermit?
Janice
(enters) No, it's just me. Hi, Linder.
Linda
Hi, Janice.
Janice
You wanna go over the song?
Linda
Yeah, I guess so.
Janice
Great.
Two backup singers get behind Linda.
Linda
You haven't seen Kermit, have you?
Janice
No.
Linda
Well — he was here, but — now I can't seem to find him again.
Janice
Oh, bummer.
Linda
Well … at least I got his picture.
Linda, Janice and the backup singers launch into a rendition of "It's in His Kiss".
Lola the Fan Dancer[]
Scooter
Well, we still don't have Kermit the Frog, but we do have Lola the fan dancer!
The curtain opens on Lola, who dances with two electric fans as burlesque music plays. The fans briefly lift her up to the ceiling, and she falls.
Backstage[]
Scooter
(through the intercom) Pigs in Space on next.
Linda
Scooter, have you seen Kermit?
Scooter
Hmm?
Linda
I'm still looking for him.
Scooter
Aren't we all?
Linda
I thought he liked me.
The steamer trunk rattles, knocking over a flower vase.
Linda
Kermit? Are you still in there? Kermit?
Kermit
(from inside the trunk) Piggy did this! She locked me in!
Linda
You've gotta stop doing this!
Scooter
Pigs in Space on stage!
The cast passes by. Linda stops Piggy in her tracks.
Miss Piggy
Watch out, guys …
Linda
Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy
Hello, Linda dear. Haha.
Linda
Miss Piggy, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Miss Piggy
Uh-oh.
Linda
Locking Kermit in that trunk?
Miss Piggy
Um … trunk — well, it uh … it's not a trunk. It's a, um … sauna. Yes, it's a sauna. Uh, frogs love it. Dry heat, don't you know.
Scooter
Piggy, onstage, now!
Miss Piggy
Oh, yes, yes. (wheels the trunk) I'll just take my prop with me. Haha.
Linda
Scooter, Kermit's in that trunk.
Scooter
I know, Linda. But the show must go on!
Pigs in Space[]
Announcer
And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As you may remember, the crew of the Swinetrek had captured a deadly battle robot.
Link Hogthrob
Oh! A deadly battle robot! Ohh! I'm so frightened! (sucks his thumb)
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Where is the deadly battle robot, Link?
Link Hogthrob
(points) First Mate Piggy has it!
Piggy wheels in the steamer trunk, grunting.
Link Hogthrob
Uh, that's a deadly battle robot?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Looks like a steamer trunk.
Link Hogthrob
Mmm. (nods)
Miss Piggy
Um … well, uh, the deadly battle robots often disguise themselves as … steamer trunks.
Link Hogthrob
Ohh! (cowers, sucking his thumb)
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Don't be scared, Captain Link! I will neutralize the deadly battle robot with the Zappo ray! It's Zappo time!
Kermit
(from inside trunk) No! No! No!
Miss Piggy
Just a moment! Just a moment. Kermie? Uh, are you going to see Linda Ronstadt again?
Kermit
Piggy, that's not fair.
Miss Piggy
It's Zappo time!
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Okay!
He zaps the trunk as Kermit winces. A hook drags the trunk away.
Miss Piggy
Ronstadt! (runs off)
Link Hogthrob
What happened to the deadly battle robot?
Dr. Julius Strangepork
I don't know! I must have zapped it into the fifth dimension!
Link Hogthrob
(nods) Oh, thank you.
Dr. Julius Strangepork
Don’t di-mention it! (they both laugh)
Backstage[]
Piggy and Linda have a tug-of-war with the trunk.
Miss Piggy
No — please don't take my frog away! (grunts)
Linda
I'm taking him to a locksmith!
Miss Piggy
Hah! Love laughs at locksmiths! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Linda
Wait a minute. Are you actually trying to tell me you're in love with Kermit?
Miss Piggy
(sincerely) Linda … I love my frog more than life itself. I love him more than sunshine and laughter. I love him more than …
Linda
More than chocolate cookies with white stuff in the middle?
Miss Piggy
Linda … I do love Kermie.
Linda
(hugs her) Oh, Piggy …
Miss Piggy
I do! I do!
Kermit
Uh, hey guys, yoo-hoo…
Miss Piggy
Oh! Kermie! Kermie, um, uh, here's a key. (hands it to Linda) Here's a key. Take it. We're coming!
Linda
Listen, Piggy, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna dedicate our final duet to just you and Kermit.
She opens the trunk, and he gasps for air.
Miss Piggy
Oh!
Linda
I wouldn't take your frog from you. C'mon, Kermit.
Miss Piggy
What?
"When I Grow Too Old to Dream"[]
On stage, Rowlf plays a fanfare on the piano as Linda emerges to applause.
Kermit
Um, okay, yeah, we'll talk about that later, Miss Piggy.
Linda
Oh, Kermit. Thanks for singing this song for me. Even though I know your heart still belongs to Piggy.
Kermit
Well, you may know that, a-and Piggy may know that, but … the vote's not in yet from the frog.
Linda
Well … it's been nice being with you. Even if it's only been for a little while.
They sing a duet of "When I Grow Too Old to Dream", later joined by the other Muppets. Piggy watches from the wings, and Rizzo sobs.
Goodnights[]
Kermit
Okay! Well, we've just about come to the end of another one, and I'm sorry I didn't get to see more of it because our guest star has been the very talented, the very beautiful, Miss LINDA RONSTADT! YAAAAYY!
Applause.
Linda
And it's been fun singing with the very cute, and the very green, Kermit the Frog.
Kermit
Aww! Thank you. A-and by the way, thank you, could I have a good night kiss? (puckers up)
Linda
Do you think we should? I mean … Miss Piggy …
Kermit
Oh. Well, don't worry about Miss Piggy, because I've taken care of her. She will cause us no problem.
Piggy, locked in the steamer trunk, hobbles onstage.
Miss Piggy
(grunts)
Kermit
Uh, just try to ignore that, Linda. Now how about that kiss?
Miss Piggy
Hi-YAH!
Linda
Maybe we'd better just shake hands and say goodnight.
Kermit
(nods) You got it, kid. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Piggy knocks him over from within the trunk. The Muppets gather around Linda as the credits roll.