The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 524: Roger Moore.
Cold open
Theme
Kermit | It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Moore! Yaaayyy! |
The curtain opens, and the theme begins. | |
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Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a coach's whistle, and so a soccer ball is thrown at him, pushing the trumpet down his throat. |
Opening number
Main stage. Kermit enters. | |
Kermit | Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is James Bond, secret agent 007, known secretly to his millions of fans as movie star Roger Moore! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, meet the Vikings, those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders whose savage brutality earned them the reputation "worst human beings in history" — |
The Swedish Chef, taking offense, whacks Kermit with a pan, and exits. | |
Kermit | Uh, I'm sorry about that! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh … the Vikings, those gentle, quaint, fun-loving old charmers. |
Open on a quaint little village by the coast. A Viking pig ship approaches. | |
![]() The head Viking blows a horn, and the villagers scramble away. | |
![]() The pigs sing "In the Navy" as they pillage the town and recruit the villagers, including the ducks, cows, sheep, goats and chickens. | |
Waldorf | Tell me, Statler, did you ever have any Naval experience? |
Statler | Well, I once saved a rat from drowning. |
Waldorf | Really? How? |
Statler | I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation! |
They chuckle. |
Backstage
"On a Slow Boat to China"
Backstage
"You Light Up My Life"
Backstage
Veterinarian's Hospital
UK Spot
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In the orchestra pit, Rowlf, Zoot, Janice, Floyd, Animal, Lips and Trumpet Girl perform an instrumental of "How High the Moon." |
Bear on Patrol
Backstage
Kermit talks on the phone. | |
Kermit | Hello, Secret Service? Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, speaking from the Muppet Theater. Uh, listen, I need to hire a bunch of spies for a closing number. (nods) Mm-hm. How fast can you get here? |
He is immediately cornered by three Frackle spies. | |
Kermit | Uh, uh, that was pretty fast! (the spies chuckle) |
Purple spy | All right, who gave you the Secret Service phone number? |
Kermit | No one! It's in the Yellow Pages! |
Spies | It is? |
Kermit | Mm-hm. Listen, all I wanted was some real-life spies for a closing number. It's a big spy spectacular featuring 007, James Bond. |
Spies | James Bond? |
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Purple spy | Don't worry. |
Pink spy | We'll fix 'im. (the spies chuckle) |
Kermit | What? |
Purple spy | Yeah, you won't be bothered by him again. |
Pink spy | Yeah. At last, a chance to get James Bond! |
Kermit | Hey guys … |
The spies laugh, then quickly depart. Roger comes out of his dressing room. | |
Roger | Kermit? Excuse me, Kermit, everything ready for the closing number? |
Kermit | Uh, it's all fixed up, Roger, and it's going to be absolutely and totally — |
Roger | Oh, it'll be cute, don't worry. |
Kermit | Uh, cute was the only thing I hadn't worried about. |
Roger | But, Kermit, I'm going to sing "Talk to the Animals," surrounded by oodles of cute, fluffy little creatures. (strokes Gaffer) You'll be surprised. |
Kermit | I'll be surprised? I already am. |
Meanwhile, the spies hide behind the circus set. | |
Purple spy | Cute fluffy animals, huh? |
Pink spy | Good thing we're masters of instant disguise! |
The spies chuckle as Kermit encounters them. | |
Kermit | Good thing you're what? |
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The spies pop out wearing furry costumes. | |
Spies | Cute fluffy animals! (they chuckle) |
Kermit | What the hey? |
Muppet Sports
Muppet Newsflash
Backstage
"Talk to the Animals"
Goodnights
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