Episode 524: Roger Moore/transcript

Cold open

	Theater entrance. Pops sneezes into a handkerchief. Roger Moore enters.
Pops	Well, who are you?
Roger	Well, I'm tonight's guest star, Roger Moore.
Pops	That's funny, I coulda swore you were that James Bond fella from the movies.
Roger	Well, you mustn't believe everything you see in the movies. I mean, all that secret agent spy stuff is only make believe.
	Roger walks away.
Pops	Okay, young fella, if you say so.
	Once Roger leaves, Pops starts speaking into a walkie-talkie.
Pops	Hello, this is Agent Pops to Control. Do you read me?
Roger	(on other line) Go ahead, Agent Pops.
Pops	Yeah, 007 just passed check poyebo headed your wa — AACK!
	Roger sneaks up from behind and puts him in a headlock.
Roger	All right, who're you working for?
Pops	The frog! The frog!
Roger	(lets Pops go) Hmm. That's funny. So am I. (leaves)

Theme

Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Roger Moore! Yaaayyy!
	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
	Gonzo's trumpet sounds like a coach's whistle, and so a soccer ball is thrown at him, pushing the trumpet down his throat.

Opening number

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Thank you, thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is James Bond, secret agent 007, known secretly to his millions of fans as movie star Roger Moore! (audience oohs) Yes! But first, meet the Vikings, those cruel, heartless Scandinavian marauders whose savage brutality earned them the reputation "worst human beings in history" —
	The Swedish Chef, taking offense, whacks Kermit with a pan, and exits.
Kermit	Uh, I'm sorry about that! Uh, ladies and gentlemen, uh … the Vikings, those gentle, quaint, fun-loving old charmers.
	Open on a quaint little village by the coast. A Viking pig ship approaches.
	The head Viking blows a horn, and the villagers scramble away.
	The pigs sing "In the Navy" as they pillage the town and recruit the villagers, including the ducks, cows, sheep, goats and chickens.
Waldorf	Tell me, Statler, did you ever have any Naval experience?
Statler	Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.
Waldorf	Really? How?
Statler	I gave him mouse-to-mouse resuscitation!
	They chuckle.

Backstage

	Kermit speaks through the intercom. Upstairs, Annie Sue practices some lines.
Kermit	Okay, Roger Moore's number is next. On stage, Roger and Miss Piggy.
	The Viking pigs walk past him.
Kermit	Way to go, Vikings. Nicely pillaged.
Viking pig	Moørt mørks, vërduügå brødskå.
Kermit	(nods) Mmm. Tell that to the Chef!
	Scooter and Beauregard approach, carrying cream pies.
Scooter	Hey Kermit, you want us to put these pies on stage?
Kermit	Uh, no. Why?
Scooter	Well, don't you remember? When I asked you what we were gonna do for that big James Bond number with Roger Moore, you said "use pies".
Kermit	No no no, not "pies", I said "spies"!
Scooter	Oh. How embarrassing.
	Miss Piggy walks past them.
Kermit	Oh, oh, yes, uh, never mind, listen, I gotta introduce Roger's first number. Just get rid of those pies.
Beauregard	You mean throw them away?
Kermit	Yeah. (walks on stage)
Beauregard	Okay. (launches his pie tray towards the stage)
Scooter	Wha — OH! WATCH OUT!!
	On stage, a pie hits Kermit in the face.
Kermit	Uh, excuse the, uh, excuse the pie, folks. It's all part of the show. Ahem. Um, and now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here? Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yaaaayy!

"On a Slow Boat to China"

	The curtain opens, revealing Roger and Piggy in a fancy penthouse setting.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Come sit, Roger.
	Roger sits next to Piggy on the couch, setting two champagne glasses on the table.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Roger, I'm so glad you asked me up here.
Roger	Well, actually, I didn't ask you.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Well, heh, Roger, mon amour, you know we are meant to be, vous et moi.
Roger	Vous et moi? Nous?
Miss Piggy	Who?
Roger	"We".
Miss Piggy	Oh, oui, oui, oui, oui.
Roger	What are you trying to say, Miss Piggy?
	She gets close to him as she sings.
Miss Piggy	Oh — I'd love to get you, Roger, On a slow boat to China, All to myself … alone…
Roger	I can't believe that she's singing to me.
Miss Piggy	(stands up) Get you and keep you in my arms evermore …
Roger	Look, look, Piggy, I must be honest, I have a date!
Miss Piggy	Leave all your ladies Weeping on the faraway shore!
Roger	Yes, but what about Kermit? He's your true love.
Miss Piggy	Out on the briny, oh Roger, Where the moon's big and shiny!
Roger	I'm not green. I don't have flippers.
Miss Piggy	Melting your heart of stone …
Roger	Just look, my eyes don't bulge, I don't eat flies — I'm not your type!
Miss Piggy	Oh! I'd like to take you On a slow boat to China…
Roger	Piggy, you are wrinkling the lapels.
Miss Piggy	All to myself, haha, alone!
Roger	Please, you really must stop.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Roger, I know what you're thinking!
Roger	I doubt that.
Miss Piggy	Yes, you are thinking that you are a man and … I am a pig.
Roger	Why would I think that?
Miss Piggy	Oh, Roger! Silly, dear, dear Roger, it can work! Roger — we can make it work!! Yes!
Roger	But I don't want to make it work!
Miss Piggy	(throws herself upon him again) OH!! I'd love to get you On a ssssssslow boat to China…
Roger	Not even Concorde.
Miss Piggy	All to myself, Aloooooooooone …
Roger	Piggy, my date'll be here any second …
Miss Piggy	Oh Roger — All to myself! A! LOOOOOOOOONE!!
	She starts showering him with kisses.
Miss Piggy	Oh Roger! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
Roger	Miss Piggy! Piggy! You'll ruin your date —
	The song ends; the doorbell rings. Annie Sue enters.
Annie Sue	Roger, I'm here!
	Roger walks over to her.
Roger	Annie Sue, how lovely you look.
Annie Sue	(swoons)
Miss Piggy	This is your date?
Roger	Yes, we're going to the opening of Hamlet. Put off the lights, will you?
	Roger and Annie Sue exit. Piggy walks over to Roger's picture on the table, and gives it a karate chop.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!
Waldorf	Quite a touching scene. Oh-oh-seven and seven-oh-oh. (chuckles)
Statler	Seven-oh-oh? (Waldorf nods) Is that Miss Piggy's code name?
Waldorf	No, it's her weight!
	They chuckle.
Statler	Her weight!

Backstage

	Roger and Annie Sue walk off stage. In the background, Gaffer cleans herself.
Kermit	Okay, nice number, nice number.
Roger	Thank you, Annie Sue.
Annie Sue	Thank you! (walks away)
Kermit	Roger, you were great.
Roger	Oh, thank you, Kermit. By the way, do you use pies on the show?
Kermit	Spies?
Roger	No, pies.
Kermit	Well — maybe down in the canteen.
Roger	On stage.
Kermit	I, I don't think so. Why?
Roger	I just trod in one.
	Angle on his foot. A rat with a spoon passes by and follows him upstairs.
Kermit	Gee. He's so suave, I never would have noticed unless he mentioned it. (into the intercom) Okay, Lew Zealand, you're on.

"You Light Up My Life"

	Lew Zealand enters the stage to a row of five fish.
Lew Zealand	Heh heh heh heh! Yeah, here I am, Lew Zealand and my fabulous singing fish! Heh heh heh heh! With our rendition of "You Light Up My Life". Heh, maestro, please.
	Music begins. Lew plays the fish like a row of horns, until he is yanked off-stage by a hook.

Backstage

	Piggy, dressed for Veterinarian's Hospital, yanks Lew off stage with the hook and pulls him aside.
Miss Piggy	(grunting) Listen, fish-freak, we are trying to put on a classy show here!
Lew Zealand	You can't treat me like that! I'll sic my pet barracuda on you! Get 'er, Fred! (wiggles it in her face)
Miss Piggy	AAAAH! Get that slimy thing away from me! (swats it with the hook)
Kermit	(on the intercom) Okay, Vet's Hospital on in three minutes!
Lew Zealand	Kamikaze attack! Banzai!
	Piggy ducks as Lew throws the fish at her. She gets up and notices Roger, who just came down from the dressing room.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Haha! Roger, how was Hamlet?
Roger	It was canceled. We saw Pygmalion instead.
	Piggy runs off in a huff.
Lew Zealand	Good riddance, short-snout!
Roger	Kermit, is it always like this on the show?
Kermit	Uh, well, how do you mean?
Roger	All this craziness.
Kermit	Oh, well, this is a rather quiet show for us. No unforeseen disasters so far.
	The Vet's Hospital cast tramples over Kermit as they rush towards the stage.
Janice	Hurry up, guys!
Rowlf	All right, all right, all right … I just hit the frog.
Miss Piggy	WATCH OUT!!! (knocks Kermit over)
Roger	Unforeseen disasters?
Kermit	Uh, uh, well, that's a disaster that we knew about all along.

Veterinarian's Hospital

	Pan across the operating room as the opening music plays. Piggy walks to the table, which has a Viking pig as the patient.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf	Well, Nurse Piggy, ready to save another life?
Miss Piggy	Yes, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf	Good! Send the patient to another hospital! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Janice	Dr. Bob, this is a special patient! Can't you tell by looking at him?
Rowlf	(sits the patient up) Yes, he looks like a very unlucky bullfighter — gored right through the gourd! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Rowlf	Down, boy!
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, that is a helmet and he is a Viking.
Rowlf	I know all about 'em. They come from Denmark. One of my ancestors was a Viking.
Miss Piggy	Oh, this isn't going to be a "great Dane" joke, is it?
Rowlf	Well, it's a Dane joke, but I wouldn't call it great. (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Janice	Dr. Bob, no more jokes just because he's Danish!
Rowlf	Well, don't blame me! I ordered a roll, not a Danish! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan) Brother!
Rowlf	Gotta keep 'em coming, fast and furious.
Janice	Why not try fast and funny?
Piggy & Rowlf	(groan)
Viking pig	(sits up) Just hurry it up, will ya? I've gotta get back to my plundering and pillaging!
Rowlf	(pushes him down) Down, boy! Listen, my ancestor the Viking was terrible at plundering and pillaging.
Janice	He was?
Rowlf	Yes, he blundered his plundering and he was stupid with his pillaging! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan) How stupid was he?
Rowlf	They called him the Pillage Idiot! (chuckles)
Piggy & Janice	(groan)
Announcer	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in again next week, when you'll hear Dr. Bob say …
Rowlf	Good night, and may the good Lord take a Viking to you! (chuckles)
Janice	(groan)
Miss Piggy	Ah ha ha ha! "Viking to you"! Ha ha ha ha!

UK Spot

	In the orchestra pit, Rowlf, Zoot, Janice, Floyd, Animal, Lips and Trumpet Girl perform an instrumental of "How High the Moon."

Bear on Patrol

	The opening sequence plays.
Announcer	And now … ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol!
	Police station. Chief Link looks in the mirror while fitting a new toupee.
Fozzie	Oh — oh great, you found my frisbee!
Link Hogthrob	It is not a frisbee, it is my toupee. It's a good thing I ordered a new one.
	A knock on the door.
Link Hogthrob	Oh! That must be the visiting toupee representative, and you know what that means.
Fozzie	Yes! The Wigman!
	The salesman enters.
Salesman	This could be your lucky day!
Link Hogthrob	Well, I certainly hope so.
	The salesman sets a suitcase down on the table, opens it, and takes out a pair of handcuffs.
Salesman	These are the very latest …
	He puts one of the cuffs on Fozzie.
Link Hogthrob	That is not a wig.
Salesman	It is not a wig.
Link Hogthrob	It would look dumb and they would slide off my head.
Salesman	No, these will never slide off. (yanks Fozzie along, demonstrating his point)
Fozzie	Whoa! Wait! Sir? Sir, you're OH! — Sir, sir, sir —WHOA! Sir! Sir!
Salesman	Yeah! Get the picture?
Link Hogthrob	Yes! You are a handcuff salesman!
Fozzie	(exhausted, to salesman) I don't think we need any handcuffs today, sir. See, (points to Link) he loses the key.
Link Hogthrob	Ohhhh!
Salesman	Here, you try 'em!
	He snaps the other cuff on Link.
Fozzie	What are you do- … I don't like this. Wait a min- OH! Whoa! Sir! Whoa!
	Link yanks Fozzie while trying to get loose.
Link Hogthrob	Yeah. They're good, all right.
Fozzie	I don't know, there's something about them I just don't like.
Salesman	Well, they do have some drawbacks.
Fozzie	How do you get them off?
Salesman	That's one of the biggest.
	He swiftly strips Link and Fozzie down to their underwear, making off with their uniforms and valuables.
Fozzie	Wait, hold it! You can't leave us like this!
Salesman	You're right. Here's fifty cents.
	He tosses two quarters.
Link Hogthrob	What's that for?
Salesman	Get yourself a decent frisbee.
	He wheelbarrows the entire contents of the station away.

Backstage

	Kermit talks on the phone.
Kermit	Hello, Secret Service? Uh, this is Kermit the Frog, speaking from the Muppet Theater. Uh, listen, I need to hire a bunch of spies for a closing number. (nods) Mm-hm. How fast can you get here?
	He is immediately cornered by three Frackle spies.
Kermit	Uh, uh, that was pretty fast! (the spies chuckle)
Purple spy	All right, who gave you the Secret Service phone number?
Kermit	No one! It's in the Yellow Pages!
Spies	It is?
Kermit	Mm-hm. Listen, all I wanted was some real-life spies for a closing number. It's a big spy spectacular featuring 007, James Bond.
Spies	James Bond?
Purple spy	Don't worry.
Pink spy	We'll fix 'im. (the spies chuckle)
Kermit	What?
Purple spy	Yeah, you won't be bothered by him again.
Pink spy	Yeah. At last, a chance to get James Bond!
Kermit	Hey guys …
	The spies laugh, then quickly depart. Roger comes out of his dressing room.
Roger	Kermit? Excuse me, Kermit, everything ready for the closing number?
Kermit	Uh, it's all fixed up, Roger, and it's going to be absolutely and totally —
Roger	Oh, it'll be cute, don't worry.
Kermit	Uh, cute was the only thing I hadn't worried about.
Roger	But, Kermit, I'm going to sing "Talk to the Animals," surrounded by oodles of cute, fluffy little creatures. (strokes Gaffer) You'll be surprised.
Kermit	I'll be surprised? I already am.
	Meanwhile, the spies hide behind the circus set.
Purple spy	Cute fluffy animals, huh?
Pink spy	Good thing we're masters of instant disguise!
	The spies chuckle as Kermit encounters them.
Kermit	Good thing you're what?
	The spies pop out wearing furry costumes.
Spies	Cute fluffy animals! (they chuckle)
Kermit	What the hey?

Muppet Sports

	The split-screen montage plays as Louis announces.
Louis Kazagger	This is Louis Kazagger, from the Woodland Hills, Nevada, Salt Flats, where we are now in the fifth week of the annual Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial Cross-Country Billiards Tournament.
	Pan over to a forest clearing.
Louis Kazagger	Here at the far turn, it appears that top-seated Rodney Rugg is in the lead.
	A cue ball lands. Rodney hits it with his cue, then runs after it. Another player passes him.
Louis Kazagger	However, eager young Swedish hopeful Boo Mortmorkson is pulling up fast with only three and a half miles to go.
	Mortmorkson approaches his cue ball, hits it, and follows it.
Louis Kazagger	Wait a minute! What a game, folks! Boo has overshot the course, and landed in a trap!
	A deer emerges, with the ball in his antler.
Louis Kazagger	A moose trap, that is.
Deer	I'm not a moose. I'm a deer!
	Mortmorkson encounters the deer. The deer dodges as Mortmorkson tries to hit the ball. He chases after the deer, yelling out as if it were a mating call.
Louis Kazagger	And that's all for now, from Muppet Sports.

Muppet Newsflash

	Open on Newsman in newsroom.
Newsman	Here is a Muppet newsflash. (reads from the paper) An international spy ring is trying to sneak ridiculous stories into the news. Fortunately, with the tight security in the Muppet Newsroom, it can't happen here. (tosses the paper away) In other news, a black and yellow striped mackerel was elected king this morning and — (scowls) — Art?
Janitor	Yes?
Newsman	Where have you been?
Janitor	Oh, I've been showing His Majesty around the newsroom.
	The king fish enters.
Newsman	Holy mackerel!
Mackerel	No, "your highness" will do. Would you like to be knighted?
Newsman	Uh, of course!
Mackerel	Okay! Good night!
	He whacks the Newsman with his scepter.

Backstage

	Scooter is surrounded by a menagerie of cute, fluffy animals for the closing number. He tries to stop a gopher from drinking out of Kermit's coffee mug.
Scooter	Uh, don't drink that, I don't think Kermit — aww … no, no, please don't touch …
	Upstairs, the spies gather in disguise.
Purple spy (green dog)	The next musical number is where we get Bond. (they chuckle) Just go down there, mingle with the other animals, and act cute and cuddly. (they chuckle and go downstairs)
Scooter	Let go! Let go! Let go!
Kermit	Uh, Scooter, Scooter, listen, I gotta go introduce the finale. Now, some of these animals are spies. (Scooter gasps) Uh, you gotta get rid of the spies.
Scooter	But how?
Kermit	Uh, well, tell them there are no spies in the closing number. You just say, "Spies, go home." (walks to the stage)
Purple spy	Okay, mingle, mingle …
Scooter	Uh … there are no spies in the closing number! (the animals react in confusion) Spies, go home! (the animals shrug) Kermit, nobody's goin' home!

"Talk to the Animals"

	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Uh, well, folks, we were going to do a big James Bond closing number, with spies and counterspies and action and mayhem, (shouts offstage) but we're not going to do that! Please! Uh, so uh, here he is, that gentle, fun-loving charmer, Roger Moore.
	The curtain opens on a circus setting. Roger strolls around.
Roger	If I could talk to the animals, Just imagine it. Talking to a chimp in chimpanzee.
Quongo	Hi, Rog.
Rabbit	(singing) Imagine talking to a tiger…
Tiger	(singing) Rapping with a rabbit…
Roger	What a happy habit that would be. If I could talk to the animals…
Animals	(singing) Learn our languages…
Gopher	(singing) Maybe take an animal degree…
Roger	I'd study elephant, and eagle, Buffalo, and beagle, Alligator, guinea pig, and flea.
Dog	Scratch the flea.
Roger	I'd learn to parlez vous avec my poodle. With my g'nu …
Gnu	Your g'noodle would expand.
Roger	And if they asked me, "Can you handle an Afghan?" …
Afghan	You'd say …
Roger	"I have-gan!"
Afghan	And you'd get a hand!
Roger	If I conferred with my furry friends, Man to animal, There would be no animosity. If I could walk with the animals, Talk with the animals …
Roger & animals	Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals …
Roger	And they could talk. To. Me.
Baskerville	Uh, excuse me, Roger, but aren't you also 007, James Bond?
Roger	Well, sometimes.
Baskerville	(fearful) Oh, I hope this is one of those times!
Roger	Why?
Baskerville	Because those new guys over there are spies!
Roger	Not spies, pies! I trod in one earlier.
	The head spy hands him a lit bomb.
Purple spy (green dog)	Candygram!
	Roger tosses away the bomb, then proceeds to fend off the spies' attack flawlessly as he continues the song.
Roger	I'll have a talk to the animals, Trade a thought or two In language I think they'll comprehend. And to the music of Scarlatti, Some judo and karate, I'll prove I'm strong enough to make them bend. Communication is what we need, Then they'll understand, Things can always end up peacefully. When I've explained to the animals, Brained all the animals, Fought and taught and trained all the animals, They won't talk back … to … me.
	The animals cheer and gather around him.
Animals	(singing) Now that you've talked to the animals, Who needs other tongues?
Roger	I can speak your language fluently. Now I can walk with the animals, Talk to the animals,
Roger & animals	Grunt and squeak and squawk with the animals …
Roger	And they can talk. To. Me.
	Applause.

Goodnights

	Kermit comes on stage.
Kermit	And as we explode gently into the West, we hope you got as big a bang out of tonight's show as we did.
	A bomb explodes behind him, startling him.
Kermit	Uh, but before we go, let us say thank you to a very courageous and brave and foolhardy guest, ladies and gentlemen, Roger Moore! Yaaaay!
Roger	Thank you, Kermit. I've had a wonderful time, and I have certainly learnt my lesson.
Kermit	Uh, well, what lesson is that?
Roger	Well, from now on, I am through with cute, cuddly little animals.
	He is then surrounded by ugly Muppets who get cozy around him.
Roger	Thanks to this show, I shall stick to the sick, weird, disgusting animals I can trust.
Kermit	Well, uh, that's all for now! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
	The credits roll.
Statler	Well, I guess I'll go talk to the animals.
Waldorf	What animals?
Statler	The wife and kids!
	They chuckle.