Act I

Cold open

Main stage. Sal Minella enters.
SAL All right! All right! Quiet down everybody! I got a few announcements here, so listen up!

First of all, I've seen what you're about to see and I just want to say: "I'm sorry." Second, we've never done a live Muppet Show before, and tonight you're gonna find out why. There's no retakes, no edits, no nuthin. They must be nuts… Now, you folks here in the pricey seats. Not only did you pay good money for this, but we're puttin' you to work. You're doin' special effects for the Muppet News sketches. Ya got your props. When you see your cue up on the stage, throw the prop. I'm warnin' ya', pay attention and don't mess it up! Oh yea, and everybody turn off your cell phones. I hate those things.

Lionel Richie will not be performing tonight due to illness... Gee, I wish I'd thought of that.

Okay, one last thing: we got this here video clip. It's a rare tape that some guy named Jim Henson made to sell the Muppet Show. It kinda sets the mood. So enjoy it, y'hear! Have a good show, and don't come to me for refunds. Amen.

Roll Tape!

Video: The Muppet Show Pitch Reel

video clip from The Muppet Show Pitch Reel

Statler and Waldorf

A spotlight falls on Statler and Waldorf in their box. Audience cheers enthusiastically.
WALDORF Good grief. Say, Statler, do you think "The Muppet Show" will be any better live?
STATLER Waldorf, at our age, it's great to be around anything live.
BOTH Ho-ho-ho!!
WALDORF Well, at least it's only for one night.
STATLER That's the same thing they told us 25 years ago.
BOTH Ho-ho-ho!! ... OH NO!!!!!!

The Muppet Show Theme

Kermit appears in the show's O.
KERMIT It's The Muppet Show Live, with our very special guest stars Brooke Shields and Paul Williams and lots of surprises! Yaaaay!!!
Video of the theme plays


KERMIT Okay. Alright. Well this is it, Rowlf. Let's go through that checklist one last time.
KERMIT Special effects?
ROWLF Check.
ROWLF Check.
KERMIT Wardrobe?
ROWLF Check.
KERMIT Oh good. I think then we're completly ready!
ROWLF Yup, just as soon as we write some checks we can buy all those things.
KERMIT Sheesh!
Kermit exits.
ROWLF Good luck... go get 'em.


Main stage. Kermit enters.
KERMIT Thank you, thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show. Um. I am Kermit the Frog and thank you so much for coming. Y'know, back in 1966, I appeared on this very stage on the old "Hollywood Palace" TV show and it was so successful, it only took 35 years to invite me back. But, um, anyway, in celebration of the 25th anniversary of The Muppet Show, tonight you're going to see the show as never before. You'll even see who's doing it.

Isn't that right, Steve? (Looks down at Steve Whitmire)

Pay no attention to that guy - he's just a hired hand. That's just a little Muppet humor there.

Anyway, we asked your suggestions about an opening number. And in spite of what you told us, we're going to do one anyway. It's a classic we first did on the old Ed Sullivan Show...


"Mah Na Mah Na"

Mahna Mahna and the Snowths perform "Mahna Mahna." The puppetry is performed to the original audio track from The Muppet Show. New footage of Mahna Mahna leaving the theater and stopping at In-N-Out Burger before calling the theater was played at the end.

Muppet News Flash: Golf Balls

NEWSMAN This is a Muppet News Weather Update! The Hollywood area is being pelted by a hailstorm. Witnesses report hailstones as large as golf balls. Well that can't be right. Golf balls? Golf balls? .
Plastic golf balls are thrown from the audience, hitting the Newsman
NEWSMAN After 25 years you'd think I would have known better.

Video: Veterinarian's Hospital - Rabbit

video clip from Episode 422: Andy Williams


Kermit is backstage. Pepe comes running in.
PEPE Kermin! Kermin! Kermin! Excuse me, Kermin?
KERMIT Listen, I'm wondering if you've seen Miss Piggy anywhere?
PEPE No, no, no Piggy. But, Kermin, I need your help with the problem, okay?
KERMIT What problem?
PEPE I have never done a show live, okay. So I have the stage frights.
KERMIT Oh, listen, Pepe, whenever I feel like that, I just imagine the audience in their underwear.
PEPE That is voyeuristical! Okay?
KERMIT No, no, that's not what I mean. It's just...
Bunsen and Beaker enter.
BUNSEN Excuse me, Mr. Kermit.
KERMIT Oh, Bunsen. Beaker!
BUNSEN Have no fear, Mr. Kermit. We at Muppet Labs have an invention that will solve everything for your friend Pee-pee.
PEPE That's Pepe, okay.
KERMIT Listen, Doctor Honeydew, what is it that you have?
BUNSEN A small rash on the tip of my pinky toe, which I suspect is caused by chafing. However there is a distinct possibility...
KERMIT No, no, I mean, what invention do you have?
BUNSEN Oh, yes. Silly me. You've all heard of DVD technology.
An audience member lets out a loud "whoo." The characters turn to the crowd.
KERMIT They've heard of it.
BUNSEN They like it... Now thanks to Muppet Labs' new BVD technology, imagining the audience in their skivvies is a thing of the past.
PEPE You're a very sick man, okay.
BUNSEN On the contrary! With these special glasses in here, you can see through underwear rendering the audience completely naked!
PEPE Oh, this is much better, okay!
BUNSEN I know you'd like that. Give it a try, Pee-pee.
PEPE Pepe.
BUNSEN Whatever. Now let's go down below for a moment where we can rig the glasses to your face.
KERMIT Should I stall?
BUNSEN I think you should.
KERMIT (to audience) Well, this down here is where we normally would have done a tape edit - this is where a video tape edit would have come. And so it does give you a chance to see our great Muppet Workshop people at work down here in the trenches. This is Jane Gootnick down here. All set, Jane? She's all set. So pardon what they call a little hiccup there.
Busen exits
KERMIT Ready? (to Beaker) So long, Beaker!
Beaker quickly exits
KERMIT (to audience) He always forgets his exits. (to Pepe) So how are the glasses, Pepe?
PEPE They are amazing, okay. I see you with no pants.
KERMIT Pepe, I never have pants.
PEPE Shame on you, Kermin.
KERMIT Try going out there and looking at the audience.
PEPE Si, si. Stage frights.
KERMIT Give that a try.
Pepe peeks around the curtain to the audience
PEPE Wooo... Hahahaha.
KERMIT So much for stagefright. Does it help?
PEPE It doesn't hurt, okay. Hey, lady in the front row here. Si. Ever feel the need to peel and eat a hot and spicy prawn? Heheh!
KERMIT Pepe! Pepe, please!
PEPE I am never taking these off, okay.
KERMIT Fine. Fine, leave them on. Just help me look for Miss Piggy.
PEPE Miss Piggy? I am taking these off, okay.

Video: Fozzie's Comedy Act - Ventriloquism

video clip from Episode 207: Edgar Bergen

Gonzo's Comedy Act

Gonzo enters.
GONZO Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, to those of you seated nearby here, I am the Great Gonzo. And to those of you sitting up in the balcony, I am Antonio Banderas. Now many of you know me as a daredevil performance artiste, but I also have a classical side. And tonight, it is my pleasure to present the first ever live performance by my All-Chicken Vocal Ensemble. Ladies!
Muppet chickens enter
GONZO Thank you. Thank you! (chicken pecks Gonzo in the back). Camilla, Camilla, get in line. What are you doing over there? Alright, I regret to announce that one of our best cluckers, Henrietta, is molting. But a close personal friend of mine has agreed to take her place. Please welcome Academy Award winner, Jon Voight!
Voight enters wearing chicken suit
GONZO You're not a chicken, you're a turkey.
JON Yeah, this whole sketch is a turkey.
GONZO Ohh, aren't we in a fowl mood.
JON Anyway, I'm a brown chicken, everybody.
GONZO They don't care.
JON Can we just get this over with, please.
GONZO One other thing. I love you in "Jim Henson's Jack and the Beanstalk."
JON Y'know, it's available on video and DVD? Should I give them the 800 number?
GONZO That might be too much.
JON (sarcastically) oh yeah. We wouldn't want to over do it.
GONZO Then let's begin. All right, girls, we're gonna tune up! Okay, Silvia
They go down the line, each chicken clucking a note until coming to Voight.
JON (unenthusiastically) Cluck!
GONZO Hmm.. how do I say this? A little more vibrato, maybe.
JON Cluck!
GONZO A little better.
GONZO Ladies and gentlemen, "The Blue Danube Waltz". Ready and one and two...
The chickens cluck "The Blue Dnube Waltz" with Voight reluctantly joining in.
GONZO Wow that was beautiful. Thank you! Wow.
JON How did I do? Because I was kind of getting into it at the end.
GONZO You were great. Seriously. In fact, you know there's a guy from NBC that I want you to meet.
JON Oh, I'll get dressed then.
GONZO No, no, stay in the suit. It's good.
JON NBC's the Peacock, isn't it?
GONZO That could be a problem.
JON So I'll go take a shower. Anybody got any soap?
Voight exits.
GONZO Oh wait...there's a guy from Animal Planet here. Jon?

"Bein' Green"

Kermit sings "Bein' Green."

Video: Java

video clip from Episode 122: Ethel Merman

Muppet News Flash - Football

NEWSMAN This is a Muppet Newsflash! In the world of sports today, Rich Gannon quarterback for the Oakland Raiders threw 250 touchdown passes. 250 Touchdown passes?!? That's impossible! There's got to be a mistake somewhere. That's ridiculous, 250 touchdown passes?
Dozens of NERF Footballs are thrown from the audience at the Newsman. He faints.

"What Happened to Show Business?"

A video montage of The Muppet Show guest stars plays as the Muppet performers sing a revised version of "There's No Business Like Show Business" with new lyrics about the guest stars.

Joe Pasqule Comedy Act

GONZO Wow! Hello, again. Y'know, one of my favorite things about "The Muppet Show" was giving a break to talented newcomers. Now tonight, we'd like to continue that tradition by introducing someone I recently discovered in England. This is his first appearance in America and with your help it can be his last. Ladies and Gentleman, the astounding and baffling Joe Pasquale!

Joe Pasqule enters and performs a 10-minute stand-up routine.

Video: Muppet Labs - Banana Sharpener

video clip from Episode 402: Crystal Gayle

"It Feels Like Christmas"

KERMIT Hi-ho everybody, I want to take a moment to thank you all for coming tonight. It's fun to bring everyone together and put on a show, but the real reason we're here is to support Save The Children and the work they do helping kids around the world. Now more than ever we know how important that work is. So tonight, let's remember the children and celebrate their spirit.
Kermit starts singing "It Feels Like Christmas" from The Muppet Christmas Carol. He is soon joined by Robin, Clifford, Sweetums, Gonzo, Sal, Pepe and a chorus of others who all join in the song.
KERMIT We'll be right back, folks, after a brief intermission.
CLIFFORD Yeah, don't go away.
KERMIT Don't go away. Curtain!

Act II

Statler and Waldorf

A spotlight falls on Statler and Waldorf in their box.
WALDORF You know, the second half of this show reminds me of Aspen.
STATLER Oh? Why Aspen?
WALDORF 'Cause it's all downhill from here.
BOTH D'oh-ho-ho-ho!

Video: Muppet Movie Camera Tests

video clip from Jim Frawley's Camera Tests

Jim Henson Tribute

Brian Henson, Jerry Nelson, Steve Whitmire, and Dave Goelz share memories of Jim Henson
Tmslive jht

"Where You At?" / "Can You Picture That?

Floyd and Zoot enter
FLOYD Whoah, where's the rest of the band?
ZOOT Late, man. Late.
FLOYD I must be getting old - I'm starting to get to my gigs on time. I wonder where they at…
Floyd starts to play his bass and sings "Where You At?" with Zoot accompanying on sax. One by one, they are joined by Dr. Teeth, Animal and Janice until the whole band is on stage.
FLOYD They're here!
The band performs "Can You Picture That?" The puppetry is performed to the original audio track from The Muppet Movie
Picture that2

Video: Pigs in Space - Weight Problems

video clip from Episode 420: Alan Arkin

Kermit and Brooke Shields

KERMIT Thank you, thank you, I was supposed to perform a duet with Miss Piggy right now but we still don't know where she is, so I guess we won't be able to actually --
Gonzo enters
GONZO Pssst, Kermit. Introduce Miss Piggy.
KERMIT You found her?
GONZO Sort of.
KERMIT What do you mean "sort of"?
GONZO Relax! Just introduce Miss Piggy.
Gonzo exits
KERMIT Ok... Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing "Never Before and Never Again" with me is Miss Piggy, sort of.
SHIELDS (off stage) You want me to go out there like this?
GONZO (off stage) Be a sport! It's the 25th anniversary! Go on, break a leg!
Brooke Shields enters dressed as Miss Piggy.

KERMIT Wait a second... it can't be... Brooke Shields? Brooke, why are you dressed like that?
SHIELDS What?! Gonzo told me it was your idea to have me impersonate Miss Piggy.
GONZO (popping on from the wings) Oops!
KERMIT I'm sorry about this.
SHIELDS Oh, it's okay. Actually it's an honor to be able to impersonate Miss Piggy, especially because I get to work with vous.
KERMIT Gee, thanks.
SHIELDS (imitating Piggy) Kissy-kissy, Kermie, Kermie, Kermie. Let us make be-yoo-tiful music together, shmoopie-poo.
KERMIT Shmoopie-poo?
SHIELDS It's all I got.
KERMIT Uh, okay. (calling off) Music please.
SHIELDS (singing beautifully) Never before… have two souls joined so freely and so fast…
KERMIT (interrupting) Brooke, wait, wait, just a second.
SHIELDS What's the matter? Not good enough?
KERMIT Nope. Not bad enough. You're singing far too good to be Miss Piggy.
SHIELDS Ok I'll try again.
KERMIT (calling off) Music!
SHIELDS (singing slightly worse) Never before… (spoken) That bad enough?
SHIELDS (sings worse) Never before… (spoken)
SHIELDS (sings even worse) Never before…
KERMIT That's it!
SHIELDS (singing) …have two souls joined so freely and so fast. For me this is the first time, and the last Is this an angel's wish for men? Never before and never…
Screen comes on. Miss Piggy is looking down at Brooke and Kermit
PIGGY All right, knock it off, Brookie. Listen, you go near my frog again and I'll make you wish that you…
KERMIT Miss Piggy, what are you doing up there? You were supposed to be here tonight.
PIGGY Oh, Kermit, I told you I couldn't make it. This weekend is "Piggyfest," a celebration of all things moi. And let me tell you Bayonne is lovely this time of year.
KERMIT Oh good grief. Piggyfest? Bayonne? Piggy, how could you do this to us.
PIGGY Moi!? What about you and "Miss Suddenly Snooty-Pants'" there. Huh? Huh?
SHIELDS I'll just leave.
KERMIT No.No, Brooke. You just wait here. I'll be right back. Oh good grief.
Kermit exits the stage. Enters video feed.
KERMIT Piggy! What is this all about?
PIGGY What is this all about? I'll tell vous what it's all about: you never call, you never write. You sell the company and all I get is a T-shirt that says "Somebody in Munich Loves Me".
KERMIT Piggy!… I'm sorry, it's just that….
PIGGY It's okay, Kermie. Sometimes it's good just to let these things out.
KERMIT That's right. You just let it out, Piggy. It'll be fine. You just let it out.
PIGGY Vous asked for it… Hiiii-yaaaaa!!!
Piggy karate chops Kermit who goes flying off screen.
PIGGY (to camera) Kissy-kissy! Bye-bye everyone! Ta! Kissy-Kissy!
Kermit flies back onto the stage.
SHIELDS Are you okay, Kermit?
KERMIT I'm fine. I think.
KERMIT Are you sure?
KERMIT I think so.
SHIELDS Should we still do the song?
KERMIT Uh sure, I guess. (calling out) music, please! (To Brooke) Shall we do it together? Two.. three..
Bobo enters, interrupting the song.
BOBO Whoa! Whoa! Stop the music!
KERMIT Bobo, what are you doing?
BOBO I got Paul Williams backstage threatening to leave if you do any further damage to that song there, mister.
SHIELDS Well, what do we do?
BOBO Alright, first, lose the pig stuff. You're scarin' the kids out here.
KERMIT Maybe we could do another song - another number.Lemme think…
BOBO Oh! Do you guys know "San Francisco Bay Blues"?
SHIELDS Sure… yeah.
BOBO Ok, that's what you're gonna do. (to orchestra) Hey, Ray, gimme a D, gimme a nice round D. (to Brooke) and you're gonna want to lose the boa.
SHIELDS I'm keepin' the boa.
BOBO She's keepin' the boa! Here we go, Ray!
Bobo exits
Brooke and Kermit sing "San Francisco Bay Blues". They are joined part way through by Floyd. Bobo, Gonzo, Dr. Teeth, Janice, Animal, Zoot, a sheep, and a horse also join in.
KERMIT Ladies and gentlemen, Brooke Shields!

Video: The Swedish Chef - Lobster Banditos

video clip from Episode 209: Madeline Kahn

Muppet News Flash - Giant Boulder

NEWSMAN A Muppet News Flash! Scientists were flummoxed today as reports of a giant boulder rolling through Hollywood.
He cringes and then looks out at the front rows.
NEWSMAN Ha! Ha! They didn't give you giant boulders to throw, did they?
Sweetums enters, carrying a giant boulder.
SWEETUMS Nope, but they gave me one.
Sweetums tosses the boulder at the Newsman. He misses.
NEWSMAN Ha! Ha! You missed.
A cow falls on the newsman.

Paul Williams Sing-Along

KERMIT Our next guest is one of the most talented guys in Hollywood. And it has been my pleasure to work with him for many years. Nobody has a bigger heart than this guy. And he's a dear friend of the Muppets. Here is Paul Williams.
Willams enters.
KERMIT How are you?
PAUL Good to see you, Kermit. It's been a long time.
KERMIT Good to see you too.
PAUL Hi, everybody.
KERMIT You know, Paul, we've worked together a lot over the years, haven't we?
PAUL We've worked together since 1979 - I was about your height then.
KERMIT Yeah, and since then we've shared the same clothes many, many times.
PAUL I've got short hair, and the guy under you has long hair - it's bizarre.
KERMIT That's funny. I don't know who that guy is. He keeps following me around. I think he's a stalker.
PAUL I always loved working with you guys, it was always special for me because it made me feel larger than life.
KERMIT You always made us sound so good too, and you've written an awful lot of songs for us. Do you have any favorites?
PAUL Here's one from The Muppet Movie. Remember this?
Kermit and Williams sing "Movin' Right Along" with Williams taking on Fozzie's part.
Gonzo enters.
GONZO Whoa, that was a great job guys.
KERMIT Thank you.
GONZO That was fabulous!
KERMIT Hey, Gonzo, how 'bout singing that song you sung in the first Muppet movie?
GONZO Only if yodeling is out of the question.
GONZO OK, I'll do it.
Gonzo sings "I'm Going to Go Back There Someday." Kermit and Williams join in with back up vocals on the second verse.
Robin enters.
GONZO Oh hi, Robin.
ROBIN Hi, Mr. Williams. Hi, Gonzo. Could we do a song from Muppet Christmas Carol?
PAUL Sure, sure.
ROBIN Tiny Tim was my biggest part... so to speak.
Robin sings "Bless Us All" with Williams, Kermit and Gonzo.
Sal and Rowlf enter.
SAL Rowlf's got one. Rowlf's got one. And I'm gonna sing it with him. Okay, okay, okay? Alright guys, hit it!
Rowlf, Sal, Williams, Gonzo, Kermit and Robin sing "I Hope That Somethin' Better Comes Along."
ROBIN Mr. Williams, what was the first Muppet project you ever worked on?
PAUL The first thing I ever worked on was Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas. You know there's a song from that that's perfect for you, Robin. Why don't you sing it.
Robin sings "When the River Meets the Sea" with Williams. Elmo enters, interrupting the song.
ELMO Hi, everybody. Elmo loves this song too!
ROBIN Would you sing it with us Elmo?
ELMO You bet! Elmo wouldn't travel all this way from Sesame Street for nothing!
The song resumes with Elmo singing a verse and the rest singing back-up.
Kermit sings "Rainbow Connection" with Williams. The group join in on the chorus.
PAUL You know, guys, making music for almost 30 years, the most fun I've ever had in my life is going to work with you. Throughout the years I got to know Jim Henson pretty good. He always believed that in their hearts people were really loving, kind, and good. You know? And he believed that everybody should live their dreams - everybody.
The group sings the final verse of "Rainbow Connection" - the crowd grows as Sweetums, Statler, Waldorf, Bunsen, Beaker, Sam, Rizzo, Scooter, Pepe, Johnny, and the Bossmen join the group on stage.
KERMIT Well, folks, that just about brings us to the end of our first-ever live Muppet Show. But before we go, I want to thank our very special guests - Brooke Shields, and Jon Voight, Paul Williams, Joe Pasquale and, of course, the other Ray Charles and his orchestra! And all the other people who worked so hard to put on the show. Come out, everybody!
The cast and crew comes out for the closing curtain call.
KERMIT And finally, folks, we want to thank all of you for helping Save the Children. After all these years we still believe that making people happy is the best dream of all. (singing) Life's like a movie, write your own ending.
ALL (singing) Keep believing, keep pretending. We've done just what we set out to do. Thanks to the lovers, the dreamers, and you!
KERMIT We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
The Muppet Show Closing Theme plays and the crowd gives a standing ovation while Brian Henson introduces and recognizes the performers and producers on stage.
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