Transcripts of known Wilkins Coffee commercials.

Picture Description
Wilkins$65 $65

Wontkins is standing in front of a cafe. Wilkins, in hat and coat, steps into the frame and asks:

  • Wilkins: Got 65 dollars for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: 65 dollars?!
  • Wilkins: You want me to go in there looking like a bum?
Wilkins80dayswithwilkins 80 Days with Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen flying on a hot-air balloon, carrying a pile of Wilkins Coffee cans:

  • Wontkins: This thing's sinking. Better throw out that Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins out from the balloon)

  • Wilkins: Just me and Wilkins Instant for 80 whole days.
Wilkinsairplane Airplane(remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in an airplane, we see Wilkins dressed in drag as a hostess and Wontkins sitting in a passenger seat:

  • Wilkins: Have some Wilkins Coffee, sir?
  • Wontkins: If that’s all what you serve, I’ll get off at the next town.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins out from the suspended airplane)

  • Wilkins: Next town five miles straight down.
Wilkinsbadguymachine Bad Guy Machine

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a laboratory. Wontkins is inside a machine and Wilkins is behind a control-pad:

  • Wilkins: This machine tells if you're a good guy or bad guy.
  • Wontkins: How?
  • Wilkins: All good guys drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins turns on the machine, which hits Wontkins repeatedly with two mallets)

Wilkinsbandwagon Bandwagon
  • Wilkins: You gettin' on the Wilkins Coffee bandwagon?
  • Wontkins: Never.

(A bandwagon full of cheering people enters the frame and runs over Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: You either go with Wilkins or you just don't go.
Noimage Bank Robber

Wilkins, dressed in coat and hat, is standing in front of a safe. Wontkins comes in the frame dressed as a robber:

  • Wontkins: Stick 'em up, mac. What d'ya got in the safe?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What d'ya got in your wallet?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee, and you know what I got here?
  • Wontkins: No, what?

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkinsbaseball Baseball

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a baseball field, Wontkins is seen as a batter while Wilkins plays the umpire:

  • Wontkins: Well, what was it? A ball or a strike?
  • Wilkins: You drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw.
  • Wilkins: Stee-rike three, You're out.
S.W.I.N.G Beatnik

In a street alley, a group of beatniks is seen sitting on the ground reading (presumably) beat poetry; Wilkins is also sitting there dressed as a fellow beatnik as he talks to a square-headed Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Hey man, what makes you so square?
  • Wontkins: I don't dig Wilkins Coffee.

(A can of Wilkins Coffee tied to a rope swings on-screen hitting Wontkins on the head)

  • Wilkins: You should, it really swings!
Wilkinsbell Bell

Wilkins is standing next to a suspended bell holding a mallet, Wontkins enters the frame:

  • Wilkins: Hey, I wanna show you something about Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What?
  • Wilkins: Put your head in here.

(Wontkins puts his head inside the bell and Wilkins proceeds to hit it with the mallet.)

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee rings the bell.
WilkinsBestCoffeeIs... Best Coffee is...
  • Wontkins: After much research, I found that the best coffee is...

(Wilkins interrupts Wontkins by pulling a curtain reading "Wilkins" in front of him)

  • Wilkins: He was probably gonna say Wilkins, but I couldn't take the chance.
Wilkins-Biplane Biplane

Wilkins and Wontkins are riding a biplane, with Wilkins as the pilot:

  • Wilkins: Got your parachute?
  • Wontkins: I forgot it.
  • Wilkins: How about the Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I forgot that, too.

(Wilkins flips the plane upside down, causing Wontkins to fall)

  • Wilkins: He'll never forget this!
Community-Cigar Blow Torch (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are working in a factory. Wilkins has a welder's mask and a blow torch. Wontkins has a cigar in his mouth:

  • Wontkins: Let’s take a break.
  • Wilkins: Ah, Wilkins Coffee time. Want a cup?
  • Wontkins: Naw, gimme a light.

(Wilkins blasts the blowtorch in Wontkins' face. Wontkins is blackened, the cigar burnt to a crisp.)

  • Wilkins: He’s smoking more now and enjoying it less.
Wilkinsblowup Blow Up

Wilkins is sitting on a wall next to Wontkins

  • Wilkins: (manning a detonator) Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes.
  • Wontkins: Aw, that's a lotta...

(Wilkins presses down on the detonator, causing Wontkins to somehow explode)

  • Wilkins: See what I mean?
Wilkinsbostonteaparty1 Boston Tea Party
  • Wontkins: Throw all the tea overboard, men.
  • Wilkins: (with a monocle, top hat, and British accent) I say this dreadful thing would never have happened if we'd sent them Wilkins Tea.
Wilkins-Boxing Boxing Glove

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing in front of a coffee machine:

  • Wilkins: Put your money in here and you get a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't want any.
  • Wilkins: Then push that button.

(Wilkins pushes the button, a boxing glove springs out from the machine hitting Wontkins in the face)

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins?


Wilkinsbrandx Brand X(remade for Merita Bread; Claussen's Bakery and Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in the desert, wearing cowboy hats:

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, let me have Brand X.
  • Wilkins: Okay!

(Wilkins marks Wontkins with a branding iron he's wielding)

  • Wilkins: OOOH, THAT SMARTS!
Wilkins-Camera Camera

Wilkins is holding a camera next to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: With this camera, I shoot pictures of people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I'm ready, shoot.

(Wilkins literally shoots Wontkins with the camera)

  • Wilkins: Anybody else?
Wilkinscannibalscene Cannibal Scene

Wilkins and Wontkins are inside a huge coffee cup, surrounded by cannibals:

  • Wilkins: Hey, the cannibals are boiling us in Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Yeah, so what?
  • Wilkins: I was beginning to think you’d never join me in a cup of Wilkins!

(Wontkins faints)

Wilkinscannon Cannon(remade for Merita Bread, Frank's Beverages, Red Diamond Coffee, Kraml Dairy, Nash's Coffee, Taystee Bread, Calso Water, Community Coffee and National City Bank.)

Wilkins is seen sitting on a can of Wilkins Coffee next to a cannon pointed at Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Okay buddy, what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I never tasted it.

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins, and then points the cannon at the viewer)

  • Wilkins: Now what do you think of Wilkins?
Wilkins Coffee2 Car Salesman

Wilkins parked Wontkins' car in the "Super-Safe Parking". Unfortunately, the car is destroyed:

  • Wontkins: What happened to my car?
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw, so what?
  • Wilkins: Well, things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkins75cents Cash Register

Wilkins is sitting behind a bar counter:

  • Wilkins: Lunch with Wilkins Coffee: 75 cents.
  • Wontkins: I didn't drink the Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: That's one dollar even. It pays to drink Wilkins.
Wilkinscheepcheep Cheep Cheep (remade for Dugan's Bread and LaTouraine Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall with two cans of coffee, Wilkins Coffee and Cheap Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I have Wilkins Coffee and another kind of coffee.
  • Wontkins: I want the cheap stuff!

(Two birds come out the Cheap Coffee can)

  • Birds: Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!
  • Wilkins: Sorry, but that other coffee is for the birds.
Wilkinsclimbingtree Climbing Tree(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a tree:

  • Wontkins: Why are we climbing this tree?
  • Wilkins: For Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't want any.

(Wilkins kicks Wontkins, making him fall down from the tree)

  • Wilkins: It's autumn and the nuts are beginning to fall.
Wilkinscloseshave Close Shave

Wilkins is a mustached barber, in a white coat. Wontkins is on the barber chair, with his face covered in shaving cream:

  • Wontkins: Gimme a close shave.
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Never.

(Wilkins brandishes a huge razor.)

  • Wilkins: My friend, this is gonna be the closest shave you ever had.
Wilkinsclub Club

Wilkins is sitting on a wall, Wontkins approaches:

  • Wilkins: We're here to persuade people to drink more Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What's the club for?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a club he's holding)

  • Wilkins: To get their attention.
Wilkinscoffeebreak Coffee Break

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen as construction workers, sitting on a high-level girder:

  • Wilkins: Coffee break. Want a cup of Wilkins?
  • Wontkins: No, thank you.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins down the girder)

  • Wilkins: Now all our workers drink Wilkins.
Wilkinscommie Communist Store

Wontinks is selling coffee in a Communist store, Wilkins, in Russian clothes, enters in:

  • Wilkins: Gimme some Party Line Coffee.
  • Wontkins: How about some Wilkins, comrade?
  • Wilkins: (gasp) That's capitalist coffee, you traitor! (whispering) Send two pounds to the back door.
Wilkinsconvincingmachine Convincing Machine(remade for Community Coffee)

Wontkins is in front of a machine with several mallets attached to a wheel. Wilkins is holding a lever:

  • Wontkins: What's that?
  • Wilkins: This machine convinces people that Wilkins Coffee is great.
  • Wontkins: Impossible.

(Wilkins pulls the lever and turns on the machine and the mallets start to hit Wontkins in quick succession)

  • Wontkins: Ooh, I’m convinced!
Wilkins Coffee Is The Best You Can Buy Cut the Kidding

Wilkins is speaking to Mr. Wilkins on the telephone. Wontkins enters in:

(Sped-up speaking from Mr. Wilkins is heard on the telephone)

  • Wilkins: What... What...
  • Wontkins: What's wrong?
  • Wilkins: Mr. Wilkins says, "Cut the kidding and tell them Wilkins Decaffeinated Coffee is the best you can buy".

(They both nod to the viewers)

Wilkinscutup Cut Up

Wontkins is tied with ropes on a conveyor belt, slowly coming closer to a huge buzzsaw:

  • Wilkins: If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into two by fours.
  • Wontkins: I should've saw this coming.
  • Wilkins: He always was a cut-up.
Wilkinsdeathdefyingleap Death Defying Leap (remade for Community Coffee and Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins is seen holding a bucket labeled "DEATH-DEFYING DIVE":

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee before you jump?
  • Wontkins: (offscreen) No.

(Wilkins moves the bucket out of the way, as Wontkins plunges to the floor and bounces)

  • Wilkins: You miss a lot when you don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinsdesertisland Desert Island

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen stuck in a desert island:

  • Wontkins: Did you put a note in that bottle last week?
  • Wilkins: Sure, I did.
  • Wontkins: What did you say?
  • Wilkins: I said, "Send us more Wilkins Coffee."
Wilkinsdidyoucall Did you Call?

Wontkins is seen alone on a desert island:

  • Wontkins: I wouldn't admit this if I wasn't alone, but... I really do like Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins pops out from behind a hill carrying a sign reading "Wilkins Coffee")

  • Wilkins: Did you call?!
  • Wontkins: (gasps)
Noimage Drinking Fountain

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a drinking fountain:

  • Wilkins: It's my drinking fountain! Wilkins Instant Coffee here, and water here!
  • Wontkins: I'll take water!

(Wilkins turns on the fountain and water comes out and spills all over Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: Something for everyone!
Elevator Elevator

Elevator doors in a department store open revealing Wilkins as an elevator operator and Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Tenth floor: pot, pans, home furnishing, and Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wilkins: Sure, you can't keep house without Wilkins.
Wilkinsengarde En Garde

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen as two fencers:

  • Wilkins: En garde! Salute Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins is shown alone, with a blood-covered blade)

  • Wilkins: Some learn and some don't...
Wilkinsespionage Espionage

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a dark alley. Wilkins is wearing hat and trench coat:

  • Wilkins: I can get you Wilkins Coffee for a price.
  • Wontkins: I wouldn't touch it.

(A bullet shot off-screen hits Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: There's no future in an attitude like that.
Noimage Exploding Cigar

Wontkins is smoking a cigar, Wilkins comes in and says:

  • Wilkins: How's that cigar I gave you?
  • Wontkins: I like it better'n than that Wilkins Coffee.

(The cigar explodes)

  • Wilkins: Stronger too, isn't it?
Wilkinsfairdamsel Fair Damsel

Wontkins, dressed in drag impersonating a fair damsel, is imprisoned in a castle tower:

  • Wontkins: Help, I've been imprisoned.

(From below the tower, Wilkins stands wearing a knight armor)

  • Wilkins: Why, fair damsel?
  • Wontkins I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Well, that's the way the old ball bounces.
Wilkinsfallingsafe Falling Safe

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing on a street corner. Wilkins is holding a string tied to something out of view:

  • Wontkins: Hey, where can I get a cup of coffee?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Any kind of coffee.

(Wilkins pulls the string. A safe drops on Wontkins' head, crushing him.)

  • Wilkins: I guess he must be what you'd call accident-prone.
Wilkins-Fired Fired(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wontkins, covered in flammable material, is standing on a wall, also standing next to a Wilkins Coffee sign:

  • Wontkins: Old Man Wilkins just hired me to sell his crummy Wilkins Coffee.

(Mr. Wilkins' hand pops into the frame holding a match and proceeds to set fire to Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: I think he just fired you, too.
Wilkinsfiveaces Five Aces

Wilkins and Wontkins (with a cigar or cigarette in his mouth) are playing cards, sitting around a table, in a dark room:

  • Wontkins: I've got five aces. Can you beat that?
  • Wilkins: I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins brings on the table a can of Wilkins Coffee and shoots Wontkins with a gun.)

  • Wilkins: Nothing beats Wilkins.
Wilkinsfootdown Footdown** (remade for Kern's Bakery and Claussen's Bakery)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, while Wilkins is holding a cup of coffee:

  • Wilkins: Want a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: What'll Mr. Wilkins do if I don't?

(Mr. Wilkins crushes Wontkins with his foot)

  • Wilkins: Oh, he'll probably put his foot down.
Wilkinsgiveimtheeggs Give 'Im the Eggs

Wilkins is standing behind a bar counter, Wontkins rushes onto the frame and cries:

  • Wontkins: Give me the eggs and no Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Give him the eggs, boys!

(Eggs are thrown at Wontkins' face from off-screen)

  • Wilkins: A meal without Wilkins is a mess.

(despite the mess, Wontkins eats the eggs)

Wilkinsgoodbetterbest Good, Better, Best(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wontkins is standing behind a wall, next to him stands Wilkins menacingly holding a club:

  • Wontkins: Wilkins makes good coffee.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the club)

  • Wontkins: Uh... better coffee?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins again)

  • Wontkins: Ouch, Wilkins makes the best coffee!!
  • Wilkins: Congratulations.
Wilkinsgetalift Get A Lift
  • Wilkins: You sure get a lift from Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Not me, I...

(Suddenly, Wontkins quickly levitates off-screen)

  • Wilkins: And not drinking Wilkins might be your downfall.

(Wontkins falls back down, bouncing on the floor)

Wilkinsghosttoghost Ghost To Ghost

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting in a dark spooky setting adorned with cobwebs as two ghostly version of Wilkins float about while holding tea cups:

  • Wontkins: What are those spooks doing?
  • Wilkins: Serving Wilkins Tea. It's out of this world.
  • Ghostly Wilkins: Finest tea served, "ghost to ghost".

(Wontkins runs off-screen in terror)

Wilkinsgingerale Ginger Ale

Wilkins is a clerk sitting behind the counter of a grocery store, Wontkins enters the frame:

  • Wilkins: You want a can of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, give me a bottle of ginger ale.
  • Wilkins: Okay!

(Wilkins smashes a bottle onto Wontkins' head)

  • Wilkins: But he would've liked the Wilkins.
Noimage Grenade (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a foxhole, wearing shelter hats. Wilkins is holding a grenade:

  • Wilkins: Let’s take a Wilkins Coffee break.
  • Wontkins: I don’t want any.
  • Wilkins: Then hold this while I have a cup.

(Wilkins zips away and the grenade explodes on Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Some people just go to pieces without their Wilkins Coffee.
Wilkinsguillotine Guilottine

Wontkins is standing behind a guillotine, while Wilkins is holding the blade up with a rope.

  • Wilkins: This machine will make you want a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Not me. I’ll-...

(Wilkins lets go of the rope and the blade slides down, narrowly missing Wontkins)

  • Wontkins: Take mine with cream and sugar.
Wilkinshammer Hammer

Wilkins is batting a nail on a wall:

  • Wilkins: Boy, this hammer... (bang) ...reminds me of Wilkins Coffee. (bang)
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: Because it always... (bang) ...hits the spot.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins on his head with the hammer)

Wilkinshandoffate Hand Of Fate

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a storage room that holds dozens of cans of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wontkins: One of us has to go: me or this Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Let's leave it to the hand of fate.

(A human hand appears from above the frame, grabs Wontkins by his head and brings him back above the frame)

  • Wilkins: He must drink Wilkins, too.
Noimage Headaches of Life
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Instant Coffee sooths the headaches of life.
  • Wontkins: I don't have any headaches.

(Wilkins grabs a large mallet and hits Wontkins with it, causing Wontkins to have a headache.)

  • Wilkins: Care for cream and sugar?
Wilkinshiddenpersuaders Hidden Persuaders

Wilkins is sitting behind a desk, next to him we see Wontkins:

  • Wontkins: You can't persuade me to drink Wilkins Instant Coffee...
  • Wilkins: Pretty please?

(Wilkins turns off the lights and quickly stabs Wontkins with a knife)

  • Wontkins: Ouch, okay!

(Wilkins turns the lights back on)

  • Wilkins: Just a stab in the dark.
Wilkinshouseisnotahome House is Not a Home

Wontkins is inside a small house, nearby we see Wilkins holding a bomb.

  • Wilkins: You have any Wilkins Coffee in your house?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins throws the bomb in Wontkins' house and runs away)

  • Wilkins: Y'know, a house isn't a home without Wilkins Coffee.

(The house blows up)

Wilkinshowinstant How Instant

Wilkins is seen using a payphone:

  • Wilkins: Hello, grocery store? Send me some Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(Coffee sprays out from the telephone)

  • Wilkins: (gurgling) Man! How instant can you get?
Wilkinshowlowcanyouget How Low Can You Get?

Wilkins and Wontkins are walking down a city street:

  • Wilkins: You won't find anybody who doesn't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I'll look high and low...

(Wontkins falls into an open manhole)

  • Wilkins: How low can you get?
Wilkinshowshocking How Shocking

Wontkins is tied up on a electric chair, while Wilkins is next to him holding a switch:

  • Wilkins: Any last requests, like for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: You don't drink Wilkins?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: How shocking.

(Wilkins is shown throwing a switch)

Hunch I Have a Hunch

Wilkins (dressed in a fedora and trenchcoat) and Wontkins are seen walking down a dark alley, the latter noticing that a silhouetted stranger in a hat is following the both of them.

  • Wontkins: I have a hunch I'm being followed.
  • Wilkins: Have you started drinking Wilkins Instant Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No!

(stranger grabs Wontkins from behind and whisks him OC)

  • Wontkins: HELP!
  • Wilkins: I have a hunch he'd better start!
Wilkinsidgiveamillionbucks I'd Give a Million Bucks

Wilkins is lying under a tree:

  • Wilkins: Boy, I'd give a million bucks for a cup of Wilkins Coffee.

(A cup of coffee appears in his lap)

  • Wontkins: (appearing beside him) Okay, buster, pay up.
Wilkinsjackinthebox Jack in the Box

Wontkins is staring at a present box, Wilkins rushes in and announces:

  • Wilkins: It's your present from Mr. Wilkins.
  • Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(A Jack pops out the box)

  • Wilkins: I know, he just wanted to be remembered!
Noimage Jailhouse (remade for Faygo and Kraml Dairy)

Wilkins is a judge. Wontkins stands in the dock.

  • Wilkins: Why were you speeding?
  • Wontkins: I wanted a cup of coffee.
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just any old kind.

(A rattle of keys as a prison door slams on Wontkins' face.)

  • Wontkins: Next time, I’ll say Wilkins.
Noimage Jingle in Bed

Wilkins and Wontkins are sleeping together in a double bed. Wilkins sits up in bed and sings a Wilkins jingle.

  • Wilkins: More and more people are waking UP to Wilkins Coffee!

(Wontkins wakes up.)

  • Wontkins: Be quiet, I’m trying to sleep.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a club. Wontkins falls back on the pillow.)

  • Wilkins: Some people go to sleep with it. Wilkins is decaffeinated, of course.
Wilkinsjustchecking Just Checking

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing behind a wall, Wilkins is holding a stamp.

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I don't. Why?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the stamp, leaving a check mark on him)

  • Wilkins: Just checking...
Wilkinsjustkidding Just Kidding(remade for Dugan's Bread)

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing behind a wall.

  • Wilkins: I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don't you?
  • Wontkins: I'm tired of ‘em.

(The set explodes, as Wilkins and Wontkins hide in terror behind the destroyed wall)

  • Wontkins: Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!!
Wilkinsknifethrower Knife Thrower

Wilkins, playing a knife thrower, is about to throw a knife at Wontkins, who is standing in front of a target while wearing bandages all over his body.

  • Wontkins: Watch out where you throw those knives.
  • Wilkins: Are you drinking Wilkins Instant Coffee yet?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins is now wearing a napkin on his eyes)

  • Wilkins: Okay, let's try it blindfolded.

(Wontkins ducks out of the way)

Wilkinsletseveryonesleep Lets Everyone Sleep

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a brick wall, in front of a starry background, while a can of coffee is suspended in the air by a rope.

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Decaffeinated Coffee lets you sleep.
  • Wontkins: Not me, I don't drink it.

(The can hits Wontkins, making him faint)

  • Wilkins: It lets everyone sleep.
RedRidingWilkins Little Red Riding Hood

Wilkins enters a small cottage dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and as he approaches the bed he says :

  • Wilkins: Grandma, it's Little Red Riding Hood with your Wilkins Coffee.

(Wontkins reveals himself under the bedsheets sporting wolf ears)

  • Wontkins: I'm the bad wolf and I just ate your grandma.
  • Wilkins: Well, have some Wilkins to wash her down.

(Wontkins hides back under the sheets in frustration)

Wilkinslostmyhead Lost my Head

Wilkins is seen with his head floating.

  • Wontkins: What happened to you?
  • Wilkins: I lost my head over Wilkins Instant Coffee. Have a cup?

(Wontkins runs away)

  • Wontkins: YEEOOOOOW!
  • Wilkins: Whaddya suppose upset him?
Noimage Love My Wilkins / Psychiatrist (remade for Community Coffee, Kern's Bakery and Kraml Dairy.)

Wilkins is hugging a package of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I really love my Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: You oughta see a psychiatrist.
  • Wilkins: I did, that's who told me about Wilkins. I used to love my raincoat.

(Wilkins snuggles against the package.)

Wilkins-the-great Magician Saw

Wilkins, dressed as a magician, is doing a sawing trick and Wontkins is volunteering:

  • Wilkins: This volunteer doesn't drink Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: I hope you know what you're doing!
  • Wilkins: Oh, I do!

(Wilkins saws vigorously)

Wilkinsmanoverboard Man Overboard

Wilkins, playing a sailor, and Wontkins, playing a sea captain, are riding a ship, the S.S. Wilkins:

  • Wilkins: How about some Wilkins Coffee, captain?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins overboard)

  • Wilkins: (quietly) I say, man overboard. Help.
Noimage Monster (remade for C & P Telephone Co. of VA, Claussen's Bakery, Kraml Dairy, Nash's and Kern's Bakery)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a brick wall.

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(A monster appears and swallows Wontkins whole)

  • Wilkins: Things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinsmountainclimbing Mountain Climbing

Wilkins and Wontkins are climbing a mountain. Wilkins is holding Wontkins with a rope:

  • Wilkins: Hey, did you bring Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I (Wilkins lets go the rope, causing Wontkins to plummet down ) forgooot...!
  • Wilkins: When you come back up, don't forget the Wilkins.
NewCarOrWilkins New Car or Wilkins Coffee?

Wilkins is selling a car while holding its hood opened.

  • Wilkins: You’ll like this new car.
  • Wontkins: Yeah?
  • Wilkins: It’s got a built-in maker for Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Who needs it?

(Wilkins squashes Wontkins' head with the hood)

  • Wilkins: Well, you can't sell 'em all.
Wilkinsnoahsark Noah's Ark

Wilkins and Wontkins (playing Noah) are in their ark which is balanced on top of a cliff:

  • Wilkins: After forty days of this, Noah, I bet you wish we brought some Wilkins Coffee instead of those silly elephants.

(The silhouette of an elephant peeks its head out of the ark and bellows as Wontkins nods)

Wilkinsnobodybeatswilkins Nobody Beats Wilkins

Wilkins is behind a desk, next to him stands Wontkins.

  • Wilkins: You gonna run against the Wilkins Coffee party?
  • Wontkins: Start the race.
  • Wilkins: On-your-mark-get-set-go.

(Wilkins brandishes a gun and shoots Wontkins with it)

  • Wilkins: Nobody beats Wilkins.
Wilkinsnowhere Nowhere

Wilkins is sitting on a wall next to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: If you don't drink Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there.
  • Wontkins: Aw, that's a lotta...

(Wontkins disappears)

  • Wilkins: In fact, without Wilkins Coffee, you're nowhere.
Wilkinsoldmanwilkins Old Man Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are in front of a ton of Wilkins cans. Wontkins breaks the silence by saying...

  • Wontkins: When is Old Man Wilkins going to pay us for all this foolishness?
  • Wilkins: When we sell more Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: (to the camera) Buy Wilkins, will ya?
Noimage On The Wagon(remade for Calso Water)

Wilkins is seen laying on a toy wagon wearing a baby bonnet and cardigan while sipping some Wilkins Coffee; Wontkins, wearing a hat, enters the scene:

  • Wontkins: What's a young kid like you doing drinking Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wilkins: I'm on the wagon, pop.

(Wilkins rolls off-screen on his wagon; Wontkins turns to the camera)

  • Wontkins: Fresh kid...
Wilkinsparachute Parachute

Wilkins leisurely floats in the sky with his parachute, while Wontkins plummets down rapidly with his folded parachute:

  • Wontkins: Help, help, my parachute won't open!
  • Wilkins: Try some Wilkins Instant Coffee! That'll give him a lift.
WilkinsPeterPeterCoffeeDrinker Peter Peter Coffee Drinker

(A still image of Wontkins, who plays Peter Peter Coffee Drinker, staring at a cup of coffee is seen)

  • Narrator: Peter Peter Coffee Drinker told his wife he couldn't sleep.

(Now, a still image of Wontkins standing next to Wilkins cross-dressing as Peter Peter Coffee Drinker's wife is seen)

  • Narrator: Now, Wilkins decaffeinated coffee...

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the can of coffee he's holding, leading to a still image of a unconscious Wontkins)

  • Narrator: ...lets him sleep so very well.
Pie Pie

Wontkins is at a cafe where it serves Wilkins and pie. Wilkins is the waiter:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your pie?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just gimme the pie.

(A human hand splats the pie at Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Sure you wouldn't like a cup of Wilkins to wash it down?
Wontkins shot in the head wiki Public Service Announcement

Wilkins is standing behind a wall holding a microphone while Wontkins is standing next to him:

  • Wilkins: Care for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I don't like coffee.

(A human hand comes into the frame holding a gun and shoots Wontkins in the head)

  • Wilkins: This has been a public service announcement.
Wilkinsquizshow Quiz Show

Wontkins is the host of a quiz show, while Wilkins is the contestant:

  • Wontkins: You win a new car, or a case of Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wilkins: I'll take the Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: We'll never get rid of that car.
Wilkinsrocketship1 Rocket Ship (remade for Merita Bread and Kraml Dairy.)

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a rocket:

  • Wilkins: Wilkins will be the first coffee on the Moon!

(The rocket ship blows up to pieces)

  • Wontkins: Now what?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee is still the best on Earth.
Wilkinsrose Rose in Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall next to a rose growing out from a can of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I grew this rose in Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: So I can have the beauty of a rose and *sniff* the fragrance of Wilkins.
Wilkinssantaclaus Santa Claus

Wilkins is dressed up as Santa Claus while Wontkins, dressed-up as a reindeer, is pulling a sled:

  • Wilkins: Merry Christmas! It's a joy to serve Wilkins Coffee to so many people at Christmas.
  • Wontkins: It's a joy to you! You're not pulling the sled!
Wilkinssleepingbeauty Sleeping Beauty

Wontkins is lying in bed dressed in drag as the Sleeping Beauty. Wilkings, playing the prince, enters the scene:

  • Wilkins: Awake, Sleeping Beauty, It's Prince Charming with Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't drink Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: I waited a hundred years for this old hag!
Wilkinscrystalball Snikliw the Swamee

Wilkins is a fortune-teller and Wontkins is his customer:

  • Wilkins: I see you don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What about my future?
  • Wilkins: I hate to tell you, but...

(Wilkins blows up Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: You don't have a future.
Wilkinssoggyromance Soggy Romance

Wilkins, wearing a wig, and Wontkins are cuddling in a forest:

  • Wilkins: Darling, if I marry you, will you keep me in Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Boy, will this be a soggy romance.
Wilkinsstagecoach Stagecoach

Wontkins is standing next to Wilkins riding a coach:

  • Wontkins: The Indians won't bother ya. All you've got is a shipment of Wilkins Coffee.

(The coach is now moving)

  • Wilkins: (With several arrows in his hat) I learned that everybody drinks Wilkins!
Wilkinssteamroller Steamroller

Wontkins is standing on a wall, next to him there's a cup of coffee:

  • Wontkins: I'm gonna drink this coffee and it’s not Wilkins.

(Wilkins flattens Wontkins with a steamroller)

  • Wilkins: Doesn't that coffee taste kinda flat?
Wilkinshowdystranger Stranger

Wilkins and Wontkins are wearing cowboy hats and bandanas. Wilkins has a gun drawn at Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Howdy stranger, I hear you don’t drink Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Yeah, so what?

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Now there're any other strangers in town?
Wilkinsshortcake Strawberry Shortcake

Wilkins is seen behind a bar counter, holding near Wontkins' face a plate of strawberry shortcake in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your strawberry shortcake?
  • Wontkins: Can't say that I do.

(Wilkins throws the shortcake on Wontkins, and then he pours the coffee on him)

  • Wilkins: You can’t say that you don't, either.
Noimage Survey

Wilkins has a pad and pencil:

  • Wilkins: Next question: what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: It’s wonderful, Delicious.

(Wilkins turn to the audience)

  • Wilkins: You see, friends...
  • Wontkins: Now pay me the ten bucks.
Wilkinsswimmingpool Swimming Pool** (remade for Faygo)

Wilkins is a lifeguard of a swimming pool:

  • Wilkins: I just filled my swimming pool with Wilkins Coffee.

(Wontkins falls into the pool)

  • Wontkins: Help, I'm drowning!
  • Wilkins: I told him he'd end up drinking Wilkins!
Wilkins taking the fifth Taking the Fifth

Wilkins is behind 4 cups of Wilkins Coffee in presumably his house. Wontkins notices the 4 cups and enters the scene:

  • Wontkins: That's your fourth cup of Wilkins Instant Coffee, have you had enough?
  • Wilkins: I refuse to answer.
  • Wontkins: Why?

(Wilkins holds up a fifth cup)

  • Wilkins: I'm taking the fifth!

(Wontkins, frustrated, leaves the scene)

Wilkinstarandfeathers Tar and Feathers
  • Wilkins: Anybody who doesn't drink Wilkins Coffee oughta be tarred and feathered, right?

(Wontkins pops into the frame covered in tar and feathers)

  • Wontkins: Wrong.
  • Wilkins: He always was a bad sport.
Wilkinstonofwilkins Ton of Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a coffee storehouse:

  • Wontkins: You must buy this Wilkins Coffee by the ton.

(A crash is heard as the camera quickly shakes)

  • Wontkins: What was that?
  • Wilkins: Another ton of Wilkins just arrived.
Wilkins-train Trainload (remade for LaTouraine Coffee)

Wontkins is standing on a railroad until Wilkins rushes frantically into the frame:

  • Wilkins: Look out, here comes my trainload of Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Why would you want a whole trainload of--?!

(The train comes into the frame and runs over Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: I like Wilkins.
Wilkinstree Tree

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a tree:

  • Wilkins: You drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(The tree falls on Wontkins head)

  • Wilkins: Things just seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinstruck Truckload of Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, watching the road. Wilkins is holding pen and paper. A truck passes:

  • Wilkins: One truckload of Wilkins Regular Coffee, check!

(A faster truck passes)

  • Wontkins: What was that?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Instant Coffee, check!
Noimage Tunnel of Love (remade for Kraml Dairy)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a boat, heading into the Tunnel of Love. Wilkins is dressed in a blond wig and white blouse:

  • Wilkins: After this, would you buy me a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

(The boat enters the tunnel.)

  • Wontkins: No.

(A splash is heard. Cut to the other side of the tunnel. Wilkins emerges in the boat, alone.)

  • Wilkins: I only go for a man who drinks Wilkins.
Wilkins-antiviolence TV Anti-Violence League

Wilkins is sitting on a can of Wilkins coffee pointing a cannon on Wontkins, who's holding a sign reading "TV Anti-Violence League":

  • Wontkins: Now I'm not gonna drink anymore Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins brings down a curtain with "One Moment Please" written on it. He shoots Wontkins and quickly raises the curtain back up again)

  • Wilkins: Now he’s not going to drink any more coffee.
Wonktins Community Coffee TvColor TV Set (remade for Community Coffee)

Wontkins is watching a Wilkins Coffee commercial featuring Wilkins on TV:

  • Wilkins (on TV): Buy Wilkins Instant Coffee or else.
  • Wontkins: Or else what?

(Wilkins blows the TV set up destroying it)

  • Wontkins(to the audience): Buy Wilkins Instant Coffee. It’s cheaper than a television set.'
Wilkinswashingtonmonument Washington Monument

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to the Washington Monument:

  • Wilkins: How about a delicious cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(The monument falls on Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Strange things happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinswaterwithdinner Water with Dinner

Wontkins is dining in a cafe. Wilkins, working as a waiter, approaches:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your dinner?
  • Wontkins: Nah, gimme some water.

(Wilkins shoots water on Wontkins with a hose)

  • Wilkins: People like that need brainwashing.
Wilkinswhaleofacoffee Whale of a Coffee(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are swimming in the ocean:

  • Wilkins: Let's go up to the surface for some Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I never touch the stuff.

(A whale comes into the frame and swallows Wontkins whole)

  • Wilkins: You should, It's a whale of a coffee.
Wilkinswhatkindofcoffeedoyousell What Kind of Coffee do You Sell?

Wilkins is seen behind a bar counter, selling coffee. Wontkins rushes in and says:

  • Wontkins: What kind of coffee do you sell?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Don't you have any other kind?
  • Wilkins: Sure we have it, but we don't sell it.
Wilkinswhynot Why Not

Wilkins is standing next to a Wilkins Coffee can in a black background.

  • Wilkins: If you like really good coffee, why not spend the extra money and get two cans of Wilkins.
  • Wontkins: Why not?
Wild Horses Couldn't Make Me Wild Horses

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a desert-like background. Wilkins has a cup and saucer and says to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Have a cup of Wilkins Instant Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Wild horses couldn't make me.

(Galloping noises from horses are heard as Wontkins starts shaking in fear)

  • Wontkins: Okay, okay, gimme a cup!
Wilkinswilliamtell William Tell (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins is William Tell, wielding a bow and arrow. Wontkins trembles an apple on his head:

  • Wontkins: Okay, William Tell, this better be good.
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: (offscreen) No.

(Wilkins aims the bow lower, and lets the arrow fly.)

  • Wilkins: We can still use the apple again.
Wilkinstvset You Can't Win

Wontkins is watching a Wilkins Coffee commercial featuring Wilkins on his TV set, then he turns at the camera and says:

  • Wontkins: Those Wilkins Coffee commercials...

(Wilkins comes out the TV)

  • Wilkins: You don't like ‘em?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: Then let me fix your set.

(Wilkins blows Wontkins' TV up)

  • Wontkins: You can't win.

(Wontkins shakes his head)


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