Muppet Wiki
(Checkpoint publish, will return to contribute more)
(While I'm at it, here's the reference)
Line 127: Line 127:
 
*'''Wilkins:''' You should, it really swings!
 
*'''Wilkins:''' You should, it really swings!
   
 
|-
  +
| align=center |
  +
| '''Because It's True'''<hr/>
  +
  +
Wilkins runs a store selling Wilkins Coffee; Wontkins stands beside him:
  +
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Wilkins Coffee is best at any price!
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Aw, you just say that because...
  +
(Wilkins pulls out a mallet)
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' Because ''what?''
 
*'''Wontkins:''' ...because it's true.
 
|-
 
|-
 
| align=center | [[File:Wilkinsbell.jpg|250px]]
 
| align=center | [[File:Wilkinsbell.jpg|250px]]
Line 179: Line 190:
 
*'''Wilkins:''' ''(manning a detonator)'' Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' ''(manning a detonator)'' Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Aw, that's a lotta...
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Aw, that's a lotta...
''(Wilkins presses down on the detonator, causing Wontkins to somehow explode)''
+
''(Wilkins presses down on the detonator, causing Wontkins to explode)''
 
*'''Wilkins:''' See what I mean?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' See what I mean?
   
Line 193: Line 204:
 
| '''Boxing Glove'''<hr/>
 
| '''Boxing Glove'''<hr/>
   
Wilkins and Wontkins are standing in front of a coffee machine:
+
Wilkins and Wontkins are standing in front of a coffee vending machine:
   
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Put your money in here and you get a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Put your money in here and you get a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
Line 199: Line 210:
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Then push that button.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Then push that button.
 
''(Wilkins pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face)''
 
''(Wilkins pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face)''
*'''Wilkins:''' How about a cup of Wilkins?
+
*'''Wilkins (to audience):''' How 'bout a cup of Wilkins?
   
   
Line 264: Line 275:
 
Wilkins is sitting behind a bar counter:
 
Wilkins is sitting behind a bar counter:
   
  +
Version 1:
*'''Wilkins:''' Lunch with Wilkins Coffee: 75 cents.
 
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Lunch and Wilkins Coffee: 75 cents.
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' I didn't drink the Wilkins.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' That's one dollar even.
  +
(Wilkins completes the transaction as a stunned Wontkins stands in shock)
 
*'''Wilkins:'''It pays to drink Wilkins.
  +
  +
Version 2:
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' Wilkins Coffee and pie: 25 cents.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' I didn't drink the Wilkins.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' I didn't drink the Wilkins.
*'''Wilkins:''' That's one dollar even. It pays to drink Wilkins.
+
*'''Wilkins:''' That's one dollar even.
  +
(Wilkins completes the transaction as a stunned Wontkins stands in shock)
  +
*'''Wilkins:'''It pays to drink Wilkins.
   
 
|-
 
|-
Line 478: Line 499:
   
 
*'''Wilkins:''' How's that cigar I gave you?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' How's that cigar I gave you?
*'''Wontkins:''' I like it better'n than that Wilkins Coffee.
+
*'''Wontkins:''' I like it better than that Wilkins Coffee.
 
''(The cigar explodes)''
 
''(The cigar explodes)''
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Stronger too, isn't it?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Stronger too, isn't it?
Line 529: Line 550:
 
|-
 
|-
 
| align=center | [[File:Wilkinsfootdown.jpg|250px]]
 
| align=center | [[File:Wilkinsfootdown.jpg|250px]]
| '''Footdown** ''' <small>(remade for [[Kern's Bakery]] and [[Claussen's Bakery]])</small><hr/>
+
| '''Foot Down ''' <small>(remade for [[Kern's Bakery]] and [[Claussen's Bakery]])</small><hr/>
   
 
Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, while Wilkins is holding a cup of coffee:
 
Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, while Wilkins is holding a cup of coffee:
Line 537: Line 558:
 
''(Mr. Wilkins crushes Wontkins with his foot)''
 
''(Mr. Wilkins crushes Wontkins with his foot)''
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Oh, he'll probably put his foot down.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Oh, he'll probably put his foot down.
  +
 
|-
  +
| align=center |
  +
| '''Flying Saucer'''<hr/>
  +
  +
Wontkins, dressed as a space alien, sits in a downed flying saucer UFO on Earth:
  +
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' Aw heck, my flying saucer's out of atomic fuel!
  +
(Wilkins enters the frame sitting inside of a coffee cup aboard a literal flying saucer)
 
*'''Wilkins:''' I'm even worse off - I'm out of Wilkins Coffee!
   
 
|-
 
|-
Line 605: Line 636:
 
*'''Wilkins:''' In Wilkins Coffee? A pleasure.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' In Wilkins Coffee? A pleasure.
 
''(Wilkins literally soaks his head in the giant cup of Wilkins, while Wontkins feels disappointed)''
 
''(Wilkins literally soaks his head in the giant cup of Wilkins, while Wontkins feels disappointed)''
 
|-
 
| align=center | [[File:Community Coffee Grenade.PNG|250px]]
 
| '''Grenade''' <small>(remade for [[Community Coffee]])</small><hr/>
 
 
Wilkins and Wontkins are in a foxhole, wearing shelter hats. Wilkins is holding a grenade:
 
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Let’s take a Wilkins Coffee break.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' I don’t want any.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Then hold this while I have a cup.
 
''(Wilkins zips away and the grenade explodes on Wontkins)''
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Some people just go to pieces without Wilkins Coffee.
 
   
 
|-
 
|-
Line 815: Line 834:
 
*'''Wilkins:''' I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don't you?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don't you?
 
*'''Wontkins:''' I'm tired of ‘em.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' I'm tired of ‘em.
''(The set explodes, as Wilkins and Wontkins hide in terror behind the destroyed wall)''
+
''(The set is destroyed by gunshots fired at Wilkins and Wontkins, who hide in terror behind the destroyed wall)''
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!!
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!!
   
Line 992: Line 1,011:
 
(Wilkins slams the ball on Wontkins head)
 
(Wilkins slams the ball on Wontkins head)
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Either get on the ball with Wilkins or get out of the way.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Either get on the ball with Wilkins or get out of the way.
 
|-
 
| align=center | [[File:Noimage.png|100px]]
 
| '''On The Wagon''' <small>(remade for [[Calso Water]])</small><hr/>
 
Wilkins is seen laying on a toy wagon wearing a baby bonnet and cardigan while sipping some Wilkins Coffee; Wontkins, wearing a hat, enters the scene:
 
 
*'''Wontkins:''' What's a young kid like you doing drinking Wilkins Coffee?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' I'm on the wagon, pop.
 
(''Wilkins rolls off-screen on his wagon; Wontkins turns to the camera)''
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Fresh kid...
 
   
 
|-
 
|-
Line 1,031: Line 1,040:
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Want some Wilkins Coffee with your pie?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Want some Wilkins Coffee with your pie?
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Nah, just gimme the pie.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' Nah, just gimme the pie.
''(A human hand splats the pie at Wontkins.)''
+
''(A human hand shoves the pie into Wontkins' face.)''
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Sure you wouldn't like a cup of Wilkins to wash it down?
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Sure you wouldn't like a cup of Wilkins to wash it down?
   
Line 1,055: Line 1,064:
 
(a buzzer sounds and the lights dim)
 
(a buzzer sounds and the lights dim)
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Another quiz show bites the dust.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Another quiz show bites the dust.
  +
  +
|-
  +
| align=center |
  +
| '''Rock-a-Bye Baby'''<hr/>
  +
  +
Wilkins sings to an infant Wontkins as he rocks his cradle:
  +
  +
*'''Wilkins (singing):''' Rock-a-bye baby, in your cradle so fluffy; I can sleep too, 'cause I drink Wilkins Decaffienated Coffee
  +
(baby Wontkins peeks out from the cradle)
   
 
|-
 
|-
Line 1,120: Line 1,138:
 
| '''Stagecoach''' <small>(remade for [[Community Coffee]])</small><hr/>
 
| '''Stagecoach''' <small>(remade for [[Community Coffee]])</small><hr/>
   
Wontkins is standing next to Wilkins riding a coach:
+
Wontkins is standing next to Wilkins riding a stagecoach:
   
*'''Wontkins:''' The Indians won't bother ya. All you've got is a shipment of Wilkins Coffee.
+
*'''Wontkins:''' The Indians won't bother ya - all you've got's a shipment of Wilkins Coffee!
 
''(The coach is now moving)''
 
''(The coach is now moving)''
 
*'''Wilkins:''' ''(With several arrows in his hat)'' Someday he's gonna learn that everybody drinks Wilkins!
 
*'''Wilkins:''' ''(With several arrows in his hat)'' Someday he's gonna learn that everybody drinks Wilkins!
Line 1,411: Line 1,429:
 
|- bgcolor=#eeeeee
 
|- bgcolor=#eeeeee
 
! Picture !! Description
 
! Picture !! Description
  +
|-
 
| align=center | [[File:Community Coffee Grenade.PNG|250px]]
 
| '''Grenade''' <small>([[Community Coffee]])</small><hr/>
  +
 
Wilkins and Wontkins are in a foxhole, wearing shelter hats. Wilkins is holding a grenade:
  +
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' Let’s take a Community Coffee break.
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' I don’t want any.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Then hold this while I have a cup.
 
''(Wilkins hands Wontkins the grenade and zips away, just as the grenade explodes, blowing up Wontkins)''
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' Some people just go to pieces without Community Coffee.
  +
|-
 
| align=center | [[File:Noimage.png|100px]]
 
| '''On The Wagon''' <small>([[Calso Water]])</small><hr/>
 
Wilkins is seen laying on a toy wagon wearing a baby bonnet and cardigan while sipping some Calso Water; Wontkins, portrayed as his father and wearing a hat, enters the scene:
  +
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' What's a young kid like you doing with a bottle of Calso Water?
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' I'm on the wagon, pop!
 
(''Wilkins rolls off-screen on his wagon; Wontkins turns to the camera)''
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' Fresh kid...
  +
  +
|-
  +
| align=center | [[File:Noimage.png|100px]]
  +
| '''Sinking Man's Drink''' <small>([[Faygo]])</small><hr/>
  +
Wontkins is sinking into the ocean. Wilkins arrives in a rowboat adorned with the Faygo logo on its side, holding a bottle of Faygo Strawberry soda.
  +
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' I'm sinking, I'm sinking! Save me!
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' Have some Faygo Strawberry!
  +
*'''Wontkins:''' Why?
  +
*'''Wilkins:''' It's a "sinking man's" drink!
  +
(''Wontkins sinks completely underwater'')
  +
 
|-
 
|-
 
|align=center| [[File:Community Coffee Stickup.jpg|250px]]
 
|align=center| [[File:Community Coffee Stickup.jpg|250px]]
 
| '''Stickup'''<hr/>
 
| '''Stickup'''<hr/>
   
Wilkins works at a bank. Wontkins is robbing the bank on Wilkins' break
+
Wilkins is the teller at a bank. Wontkins, dressed as a robber, enters:
 
*'''Wontkins:''' This is a stickup! Gimme the money!
 
*'''Wontkins:''' This is a stickup! Gimme the money!
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Sorry, I'm on my Community Coffee break.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' Sorry, I'm on my Community Coffee break.
 
*'''Wontkins:''' C'mon, lemme have it!
 
*'''Wontkins:''' C'mon, lemme have it!
(Machine gun pops out of the desk and shoots Wontkins)
+
(A machine gun pops out from under Wilkins' desk and shoots Wontkins)
 
*'''Wilkins:''' I hate interruptions.
 
*'''Wilkins:''' I hate interruptions.
   

Revision as of 00:46, 31 January 2021

Transcripts of known Wilkins Coffee commercials.

Picture Description
Wilkins$65.jpg $65

Wontkins is standing in front of a cafe. Wilkins, in hat and coat, steps into the frame and asks:

  • Wilkins: Got 65 dollars for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: 65 dollars?!
  • Wilkins: You want me to go in there looking like a bum?
Wilkins80dayswithwilkins.jpg 80 Days with Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen flying on a hot-air balloon, carrying a pile of Wilkins Coffee cans:

  • Wontkins: This thing's sinking! Better throw out that Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins throws Wontkins out from the balloon)

  • Wilkins: Just me and Wilkins Instant for 80 whole days.
Wilkinsairplane.jpg Airplane (remade for Community Coffee and Kraml Dairy)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in an airplane, we see Wilkins dressed in drag as a hostess and Wontkins sitting in a passenger seat:

  • Wilkins: Have some Wilkins Coffee, sir?
  • Wontkins: If that’s all you serve, I’ll get off at the next town.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins out from the suspended airplane)

  • Wilkins: Next town's five miles, straight down!
Club

Wilkins, holding a club, and Wontkins, both stand beside a stack of Wilkins Coffee cans.

  • Wilkins: Have a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Well, I -

(Wilkins whacks Wontkins with the club)

  • Wontkins: I- I'll take some!
  • Wilkins: Surprising how many people are switching to Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkinsbadcommercial.jpg Bad Commercial
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee's good coffee!

(Wontkins pops out from inside the tin)

  • Wontkins: Boy, what a bad-

(Wilkins quickly closes the tin, leaving Wontkins inside)

  • Wontkins: -commercial!
  • Wilkins: The commercial may be bad, but the coffee's wonderful!
Wilkinsbadguymachine.jpg Bad Guy Machine

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a laboratory. Wontkins is inside a machine and Wilkins is behind a control-pad:

  • Wilkins: This machine tells if you're a good guy or bad guy.
  • Wontkins: How?
  • Wilkins: All good guys drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins turns on the machine, which hits Wontkins repeatedly with two mallets as the words "BAD GUY" flash on)

Wilkinsballoon.jpg Balloon

Wilkins and Wontkins are inside a hot air balloon in the skies:

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins coffee?
  • Wontkins: No just get me down on the ground.
  • Wilkins: Okay.

(Wilkins opens a hatch and sends Wontkins falling down)

  • Wilkins: Some people just never learn.
Wilkinsbandwagon.jpg Bandwagon
  • Wilkins: You gettin' on the Wilkins Coffee bandwagon?
  • Wontkins: Never.

(A bandwagon full of cheering people enters the frame and runs over Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: You either go with Wilkins or you just don't go.
COM 14790 WilkinsNotes 05 B.jpg Bank Robber

Wilkins, dressed in coat and hat, is standing in front of a safe. Wontkins comes in the frame dressed as a robber:

  • Wontkins: Stick 'em up, mac. What d'ya got in the safe?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What d'ya got in your wallet?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee, and you know what I got here?
  • Wontkins: No, what?

KA BLAM!

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkinsbaseball.jpg Baseball (remade for Kraml Dairy, La Touraine Coffee and Martinson Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a baseball field, Wontkins is seen as a batter while Wilkins plays the umpire:

  • Wontkins: Well, what was it? A ball or a strike?
  • Wilkins: 'D'you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw.
  • Wilkins: Stee-rike three, you're out!
S.W.I.N.G.jpg Beatnik

In a street alley, a group of beatniks is seen sitting on the ground reading (presumably) beat poetry; Wilkins is also sitting there dressed as a fellow beatnik as he talks to a square-headed Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Hey man, what makes you so square?
  • Wontkins: I don't dig Wilkins Coffee.

(A can of Wilkins Coffee tied to a rope swings on-screen hitting Wontkins in the head)

  • Wilkins: You should, it really swings!
Because It's True

Wilkins runs a store selling Wilkins Coffee; Wontkins stands beside him:

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee is best at any price!
  • Wontkins: Aw, you just say that because...

(Wilkins pulls out a mallet)

  • Wilkins: Because what?
  • Wontkins: ...because it's true.
Wilkinsbell.jpg Bell

Wilkins is standing next to a suspended bell holding a mallet, Wontkins enters the frame:

  • Wilkins: Hey, I wanna show you something about Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What?
  • Wilkins: Put your head in here.

(Wontkins puts his head inside the bell and Wilkins proceeds to hit it with the mallet.)

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee rings the bell.
WilkinsBestCoffeeIs....jpg Best Coffee is...
  • Wontkins: After much research, I found that the best coffee is...

(Wilkins interrupts Wontkins by pulling a curtain reading "Wilkins" in front of him)

  • Wilkins: He was probably gonna say Wilkins, but I couldn't take the chance.
Wilkins-Biplane.jpg Biplane (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are riding a biplane, with Wilkins as the pilot:

  • Wilkins: Got your parachute?
  • Wontkins: I forgot it.
  • Wilkins: How about the Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I forgot that, too.

(Wilkins flips the plane upside down, causing Wontkins to fall)

  • Wilkins: He'll never forget this!
Noimage.png Blow Torch (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are working in a factory. Wilkins has a welder's mask and a blow torch. Wontkins has a cigar in his mouth:

  • Wontkins: Let’s take a break.
  • Wilkins: Ah, Wilkins Coffee time. Want a cup?
  • Wontkins: Naw, gimme a light.

(Wilkins blasts the blowtorch in Wontkins' face. Wontkins is blackened, the cigar burnt to a crisp.)

  • Wilkins: He’s smoking more now and enjoying it less.
Wilkinsblowup.jpg Blow Up (remade for McGarry's Sausage)

Wilkins is sitting on a wall next to Wontkins

  • Wilkins: (manning a detonator) Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes.
  • Wontkins: Aw, that's a lotta...

(Wilkins presses down on the detonator, causing Wontkins to explode)

  • Wilkins: See what I mean?
Wilkinsbostonteaparty1.jpg Boston Tea Party
  • Wontkins: Throw all the tea overboard, men.
  • Wilkins: (with a monocle, top hat, and British accent) I say this dreadful thing would never have happened if we'd sent them Wilkins Tea.
Wilkins-Boxing.jpg Boxing Glove

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing in front of a coffee vending machine:

  • Wilkins: Put your money in here and you get a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't want any.
  • Wilkins: Then push that button.

(Wilkins pushes the button and a boxing glove springs out from the machine, hitting Wontkins in the face)

  • Wilkins (to audience): How 'bout a cup of Wilkins?


Wilkinsbrandx.jpg Brand X (remade for Merita Bread, Claussen's Bakery, Community Coffee and Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in the desert, wearing cowboy hats:

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, let me have Brand X.
  • Wilkins: Okay!

(Wilkins marks Wontkins with a branding iron he's wielding)

  • Wontkins: OOOH, THAT SMARTS!
Wilkins-Camera.jpg Camera

Wilkins is holding a camera next to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: With this camera, I shoot pictures of people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I'm ready, shoot.

(Wilkins literally shoots Wontkins with the camera, and then points the camera at the viewer)

  • Wilkins: Anybody else?
Wilkinscannibalscene.jpg Cannibal Scene

Wilkins and Wontkins are inside a huge coffee cup, surrounded by cannibals:

  • Wilkins: Hey, the cannibals are boiling us in Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Yeah, so what?
  • Wilkins: I was beginning to think you’d never join me in a cup of Wilkins!

(Wontkins faints)

Wilkinscannon.jpg Cannon (remade for Merita Bread, Frank's Beverages, Red Diamond Coffee, Kraml Dairy, Nash's Coffee, Taystee Bread, Calso Water, Community Coffee and National City Bank.)

Wilkins is seen sitting on a can of Wilkins Coffee next to a cannon pointed at Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Okay buddy, what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I never tasted it.

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins, and then points the cannon at the viewer)

  • Wilkins: Now what do you think of Wilkins?
Wilkins Coffee2.jpg Car Salesman

Wilkins parked Wontkins' car in the "Super-Safe Parking". Unfortunately, the car is destroyed:

  • Wontkins: What happened to my car?
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw, so what?
  • Wilkins: Well, things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkins75cents.png Cash Register

Wilkins is sitting behind a bar counter:

Version 1:

  • Wilkins: Lunch and Wilkins Coffee: 75 cents.
  • Wontkins: I didn't drink the Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: That's one dollar even.

(Wilkins completes the transaction as a stunned Wontkins stands in shock)

  • Wilkins:It pays to drink Wilkins.

Version 2:

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee and pie: 25 cents.
  • Wontkins: I didn't drink the Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: That's one dollar even.

(Wilkins completes the transaction as a stunned Wontkins stands in shock)

  • Wilkins:It pays to drink Wilkins.
Wilkinscheepcheep.jpg Cheep Cheep (remade for Dugan's Bread, Nash's Coffee and LaTouraine Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall with two cans of coffee, Wilkins Coffee and Cheap Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I have Wilkins Coffee and another kind of coffee.
  • Wontkins: I want the cheap stuff!

(Two birds come out of the Cheap Coffee can)

  • Birds: Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!
  • Wilkins: Sorry, but that other coffee is for the birds.
Wilkinsclimbingtree.jpg Climbing Tree (remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a tree:

  • Wontkins: Why are we climbing this tree?
  • Wilkins: For Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't want any.

(Wilkins kicks Wontkins, making him fall down from the tree)

  • Wilkins: It's autumn and the nuts are beginning to fall.
Wilkinscloseshave.jpg Close Shave

Wilkins is a mustached barber, in a white coat. Wontkins is on the barber chair, with his face covered in shaving cream:

  • Wontkins: Gimme a close shave.
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Never.

(Wilkins brandishes a huge razor.)

  • Wilkins: My friend, this is gonna be the closest shave you ever had.
Wilkinsclub.jpg Club

Wilkins is sitting on a wall holding a club, Wontkins approaches:

  • Wilkins: We're here to persuade people to drink more Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What's the club for?

(Wilkins whacks Wontkins with the club)

  • Wilkins: To get their attention.
Wilkinscoffeebreak.jpg Coffee Break

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen as construction workers, sitting on a high-level girder:

  • Wilkins: Coffee break. Want a cup of Wilkins?
  • Wontkins: No, thank you.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins down the girder)

  • Wilkins: Now all our workers drink Wilkins.
Wilkinscommie.jpg Communist Store

Wontinks is selling coffee in a Communist store, Wilkins, in Russian clothes, enters in:

  • Wilkins: Gimme some Party Line Coffee.
  • Wontkins: How about some Wilkins, comrade?
  • Wilkins: (gasp) That's capitalist coffee, you traitor! (whispering) Send two pounds to the back door.
Wilkinsconvincingmachine.jpg Convincing Machine (remade for Community Coffee)

Wontkins is in front of a machine with several mallets attached to a wheel. Wilkins is holding a lever:

  • Wontkins: What's that?
  • Wilkins: This machine convinces people that Wilkins Coffee is great.
  • Wontkins: Impossible.

(Wilkins pulls the lever and turns on the machine and the mallets start to hit Wontkins in quick succession)

  • Wontkins: Ooh, I’m convinced!
Wilkinscrystalball.jpg Crystal Ball

Wilkins is a fortune-teller called "Snikliw the Swamee" and Wontkins is his customer:

  • Wilkins: I see you don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What about my future?
  • Wilkins: I hate to tell you, but...

(Wilkins blows up Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: You don't have a future.
Wilkins Coffee Is The Best You Can Buy.jpg Cut the Kidding

Wilkins is speaking to Mr. Wilkins on the telephone. Wontkins enters in:

(Sped-up speaking from Mr. Wilkins is heard on the telephone)

  • Wilkins: What... What...
  • Wontkins: What's wrong?
  • Wilkins: Mr. Wilkins says, "Cut the kidding and tell them Wilkins Decaffeinated Coffee is the best you can buy".

(They both nod to the viewers)

Wilkinscutup.jpg Cut Up

Wontkins is tied with ropes on a conveyor belt, slowly coming closer to a huge buzzsaw:

  • Wilkins: If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into two by fours.
  • Wontkins: I should've saw this coming.

(Wontkins gets shredded offscreen)

  • Wilkins: He always was a cut-up.
Wilkinsdeathdefyingleap.PNG Death Defying Leap (remade for Community Coffee and Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins is seen holding a bucket labeled "DEATH-DEFYING DIVE":

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee before you jump?
  • Wontkins: (offscreen) No.

(Wilkins moves the bucket out of the way, as Wontkins plunges to the floor and bounces)

  • Wilkins: You miss a lot when you don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinsdesertisland.jpg Desert Island

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen stuck on a desert island:

  • Wontkins: Did you put a note in that bottle last week?
  • Wilkins: Sure, I did.
  • Wontkins: What did you say?
  • Wilkins: I said, "Send us more Wilkins Coffee."
Wilkinsdidyoucall.jpg Did You Call?

Wontkins is standing by himself on a desert island:

  • Wontkins: I wouldn't admit this if I weren't alone, but I really do like Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins appears with a Wilkins Coffee placard)

  • Wilkins: Did you call?
  • Wontkins: *Gasp*
Wilkinsdoglionbeast.png Dog-Lion Beast

Wontkins notices a giant Dog-Lion Beast next to him:

  • Wontkins: How'd he get so big?
  • Wilkins: On Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Wilkins Coffee isn't that good!

(The Dog-Lion Beast devours Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: Once in a while, he gets an extra tid-bit.
Wilkinsdrinkingfountain.jpg Drinking Fountain

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a drinking fountain:

  • Wilkins: It's my new drinking fountain! Wilkins Instant Coffee here, and water here!
  • Wontkins: I'll take water!

(Wilkins turns on the fountain and water comes out and spills all over Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: Next!
Elevator.jpg Elevator

Elevator doors in a department store open revealing Wilkins as an elevator operator and Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Tenth floor: pot, pans, home furnishing, and Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wilkins: Sure, you can't keep house without Wilkins.
Wilkinsengarde.jpg En Garde

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen as two fencers:

  • Wilkins: En garde! Salute Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins is shown alone, wiping a blood-covered blade)

  • Wilkins: Some learn and some don't...
Wilkinsespionage.jpg Espionage

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a dark alley. Wilkins is wearing hat and trench coat:

  • Wilkins: I can get you Wilkins Coffee for a price.
  • Wontkins: I wouldn't touch it.

(A bullet shot off-screen hits Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: There's no future in an attitude like that.
Wilkinscigar.jpg Exploding Cigar

Wontkins is smoking a cigar, Wilkins comes in and says:

  • Wilkins: How's that cigar I gave you?
  • Wontkins: I like it better than that Wilkins Coffee.

(The cigar explodes)

  • Wilkins: Stronger too, isn't it?
Wilkinsfairdamsel.jpg Fair Damsel

Wontkins, dressed in drag impersonating a fair damsel, is imprisoned in a castle tower:

  • Wontkins: Help, I've been imprisoned.

(From below the tower, Wilkins stands wearing a knight armor)

  • Wilkins: Why, fair damsel?
  • Wontkins I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Well, that's the way the old ball bounces.
Wilkinsfallingsafe.jpg Falling Safe

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing on a street corner. Wilkins is holding a string tied to something out of view:

  • Wontkins: Hey, where can I get a cup of coffee?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Any kind of coffee.

(Wilkins pulls the string. A safe drops on Wontkins' head, crushing him.)

  • Wilkins: I guess he must be what you'd call accident-prone.
Wilkins-Fired.jpg Fired (remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wontkins, covered in flammable material, is standing on a wall, also standing next to a Wilkins Coffee sign:

  • Wontkins: Old Man Wilkins just hired me to sell his crummy Wilkins Coffee.

(Mr. Wilkins' hand pops into the frame holding a match and proceeds to set fire to Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: I think he just fired you, too.
Wilkinsfiveaces.jpg Five Aces

Wilkins and Wontkins (with a cigar or cigarette in his mouth) are playing cards, sitting around a table, in a dark room:

  • Wontkins: I've got five aces. Can you beat that?
  • Wilkins: I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins brings on the table a can of Wilkins Coffee and shoots Wontkins with a gun.)

  • Wilkins: Nothing beats Wilkins.
Wilkinsfootdown.jpg Foot Down (remade for Kern's Bakery and Claussen's Bakery)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, while Wilkins is holding a cup of coffee:

  • Wilkins: Want a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: What'll Mr. Wilkins do if I don't?

(Mr. Wilkins crushes Wontkins with his foot)

  • Wilkins: Oh, he'll probably put his foot down.
Flying Saucer

Wontkins, dressed as a space alien, sits in a downed flying saucer UFO on Earth:

  • Wontkins: Aw heck, my flying saucer's out of atomic fuel!

(Wilkins enters the frame sitting inside of a coffee cup aboard a literal flying saucer)

  • Wilkins: I'm even worse off - I'm out of Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkinsgiveimtheeggs.jpg Give 'Im the Eggs

Wilkins is standing behind a bar counter, Wontkins rushes onto the frame and cries:

  • Wontkins: Give me the eggs and no Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Give him the eggs, boys!

(Eggs are thrown at Wontkins' face from off-screen)

  • Wilkins: A meal without Wilkins is a mess.

(Despite the mess, Wontkins eats the eggs)

Wilkinsgoodbetterbest.jpg Good, Better, Best (remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wontkins is standing behind a wall, next to him stands Wilkins menacingly holding a club:

  • Wontkins: Wilkins makes good coffee.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the club)

  • Wontkins: Uh... better coffee?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins again)

  • Wontkins: Ouch, Wilkins makes the best coffee!!
  • Wilkins: Congratulations.
Wilkinsgetalift.jpg Get A Lift
  • Wilkins: You sure get a lift from Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Not me, I...

(Suddenly, Wontkins quickly levitates off-screen)

  • Wilkins: And not drinking Wilkins might be your downfall.

(Wontkins falls back down, bouncing on the floor)

Wilkinsghosttoghost.jpg Ghost To Ghost

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting in a dark spooky setting adorned with cobwebs as two ghostly version of Wilkins float about while holding tea cups:

  • Wontkins: What are those spooks doing?
  • Wilkins: Serving Wilkins Tea. It's out of this world.
  • Ghostly Wilkins: Finest tea served, "ghost to ghost".

(Wontkins runs off-screen in terror)

Wilkinsgingerale.jpg Ginger Ale

Wilkins is a clerk sitting behind the counter of a grocery store, Wontkins enters the frame:

  • Wilkins: You want a can of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, give me a bottle of ginger ale.
  • Wilkins: Okay!

(Wilkins smashes a bottle onto Wontkins' head)

  • Wilkins: But he would've liked the Wilkins.
Wilkinsgosoakyourhead.jpg Go Soak Your Head
  • Wilkins: This is Wilkins Coffee, the finest-
  • Wontkins: Ah, go soak your head!
  • Wilkins: In Wilkins Coffee? A pleasure.

(Wilkins literally soaks his head in the giant cup of Wilkins, while Wontkins feels disappointed)

Wilkinsguillotine.jpg Guillotine

Wontkins is standing behind a guillotine, while Wilkins is holding the blade up with a rope.

  • Wilkins: This machine will make you want a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Not me. I’ll-...

(Wilkins lets go of the rope and the blade slides down, narrowly missing Wontkins)

  • Wontkins: Take mine with cream and sugar.
Wilkinshammer.jpg Hammer

Wilkins is batting a nail on a wall:

  • Wilkins: Boy, this hammer... (bang) ...reminds me of Wilkins Coffee. (bang)
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: Because it always... (bang) ...hits the spot.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins on his head with the hammer.)

Wilkinshandoffate.jpg Hand Of Fate

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a storage room that holds dozens of cans of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wontkins: One of us has to go: me or this Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wilkins: Let's leave it to the hand of fate.

(A human hand appears from above the frame, grabs Wontkins by his head and brings him back above the frame.)

  • Wilkins: He must drink Wilkins, too.
Wilkinsheadaches.jpg Headaches of Life
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Instant Coffee soothes the headaches of life.
  • Wontkins: I don't have any headaches.

(Wilkins grabs a mallet and hits Wontkins with it, causing Wontkins to have a headache.)

  • Wilkins: Care for cream and sugar?
Wilkinshiddenpersuaders.jpg Hidden Persuaders

Wilkins is sitting behind a desk, next to him we see Wontkins:

  • Wontkins: You can't persuade me to drink Wilkins Instant Coffee...
  • Wilkins: Pretty please?

(Wilkins turns off the lights and quickly stabs Wontkins with a knife)

  • Wontkins: Ouch, okay!

(Wilkins turns the lights back on)

  • Wilkins: Just a stab in the dark.
Wilkinshouseisnotahome.jpg House is Not a Home

Wontkins is inside a small house, nearby we see Wilkins holding a bomb.

  • Wilkins: You have any Wilkins Coffee in your house?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins throws the bomb in Wontkins' house and runs away)

  • Wilkins: Y'know, a house isn't a home without Wilkins Coffee.

(The house blows up)

Wilkinshowinstant.jpg How Instant

Wilkins is seen using a payphone:

  • Wilkins: Hello, grocery store? Send me some Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(Coffee sprays out from the telephone)

  • Wilkins: (gurgling) Man! How instant can you get?
Wilkinshowlowcanyouget.jpg How Low Can You Get?

Wilkins and Wontkins are walking down a city street:

  • Wilkins: You won't find anybody who doesn't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I'll look high and low...

(Wontkins falls into an open manhole)

  • Wilkins: How low can you get?
Wilkinshowshocking.jpg How Shocking

Wontkins is tied up on a electric chair, while Wilkins is next to him holding a switch:

  • Wilkins: Any last requests, like for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: You don't drink Wilkins?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: How shocking.

(Wilkins is shown throwing a switch)

Wilkinshumancannonball.jpg Human Cannonball

Wilkins is about to fire Wontkins from a man cannon:

  • Wilkins: Did you drink your Wilkins coffee this morning?
  • Wontkins: Of course not.
  • Wilkins: Okay.

(Tugs the pullstring and launches Wontkins into the air)

  • Wilkins: That fool has got a long way to go.
Hunch.jpg I Have a Hunch

Wilkins (dressed in a fedora and trenchcoat) and Wontkins are seen walking down a dark alley, the latter noticing that a silhouetted stranger in a hat is following the both of them.

  • Wontkins: I have a hunch I'm being followed.
  • Wilkins: Have you started drinking Wilkins Instant Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No!

(stranger grabs Wontkins from behind and whisks him OC)

  • Wontkins: HELP!
  • Wilkins: I have a hunch he'd better start!
Wilkinsigetabang.jpg I Get A Bang Out Of Wilkins (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins is looking inside a package of Wilkins Coffee.

  • Wontkins: What do you see in that Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wilkins: Well, look for yourself!

(Wontkins looks inside and a blast of smoke escapes the package)

  • Wilkins I get a bang out of Wilkins!
Wilkinsidgiveamillionbucks.jpg I'd Give a Million Bucks

Wilkins is lying under a tree:

  • Wilkins: Boy, I'd give a million bucks for a cup of Wilkins Coffee.

(A cup of coffee appears in his lap)

  • Wontkins: (appearing beside him) Okay, buster, pay up.
Wilkinsjackinthebox.jpg Jack in the Box

Wontkins is staring at a present box, Wilkins rushes in and announces:

  • Wilkins: It's your present from Mr. Wilkins.
  • Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(A Jack pops out the box)

  • Wilkins: I know, he just wanted to be remembered!
Wilkinsjailhouse.jpg Jailhouse (remade for Faygo, Frank's Beverages and Kraml Dairy)

Wilkins is a judge. Wontkins stands in the dock.

  • Wilkins: Why were you speeding?
  • Wontkins: I wanted a cup of coffee.
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just coffee.

(A rattle of keys as a prison door slams on Wontkins' face.)

  • Wontkins: Next time, I’ll say Wilkins.
Noimage.png Jingle in Bed

Wilkins and Wontkins are sleeping together in a double bed. Wilkins sits up in bed and sings a Wilkins jingle.

  • Wilkins: More and more people are waking UP to Wilkins Coffee!

(Wontkins wakes up.)

  • Wontkins: Be quiet, I’m trying to sleep.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a club. Wontkins falls back on the pillow.)

  • Wilkins: Some people go to sleep with it. Wilkins is decaffeinated, of course.
Wilkinsjustchecking.jpg Just Checking

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing behind a wall, Wilkins is holding a stamp.

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I don't. Why?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the stamp, leaving a check mark on him)

  • Wilkins: Just checking...
Wilkinsjustkidding.jpg Just Kidding (remade for Dugan's Bread)

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing behind a wall.

  • Wilkins: I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don't you?
  • Wontkins: I'm tired of ‘em.

(The set is destroyed by gunshots fired at Wilkins and Wontkins, who hide in terror behind the destroyed wall)

  • Wontkins: Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!!
Wilkinsknifethrower.jpg Knife Thrower

Wilkins, playing a knife thrower, is about to throw a knife at Wontkins, who is standing in front of a target while wearing bandages all over his body.

  • Wontkins: Watch out where you throw those knives.
  • Wilkins: Are you drinking Wilkins Instant Coffee yet?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins is now wearing a napkin on his eyes)

  • Wilkins: Okay, let's try it blindfolded.

(Wontkins ducks out of the way)

Wilkinsletseveryonesleep.jpg Lets Everyone Sleep

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a brick wall, in front of a starry background, while a can of coffee is suspended in the air by a rope.

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Decaffeinated Coffee lets you sleep.
  • Wontkins: Not me, I don't drink it.

(The can hits Wontkins, making him faint)

  • Wilkins: It lets everybody sleep.
RedRidingWilkins.jpg Little Red Riding Hood

Wilkins enters a small cottage dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and as he approaches the bed he says :

  • Wilkins: Grandma, it's Little Red Riding Hood with your Wilkins Coffee.

(Wontkins reveals himself under the bedsheets sporting wolf ears)

  • Wontkins: I'm the bad wolf and I just ate your grandma!
  • Wilkins: Well, have some Wilkins to wash her down.

(Wontkins hides back under the sheets in frustration)

Wilkinslostmyhead.jpg Lost my Head

Wilkins is seen with his head floating.

  • Wontkins: What happened to you?
  • Wilkins: I lost my head over Wilkins Instant Coffee. Have a cup?

(Wontkins runs away)

  • Wontkins: YEEOOOOOW!
  • Wilkins: Whaddya suppose upset him?
Lovemywilkins.jpg Love My Wilkins / Psychiatrist (remade for Community Coffee, Kern's Bakery and Kraml Dairy.)

Wilkins is hugging a package of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I really love my Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: You oughta see a psychiatrist.
  • Wilkins: I did, that's who told me about Wilkins. I used to love my raincoat.

(Wilkins snuggles against the package.)

Wilkinsmagicwand.jpg Magic Wand

Wilkins plays with a magic wand:

  • Wilkins: I wave my magic wand!

(DING! A small tin of Wilkins appears)

  • Wilkins: I wave it twice!

(DING! Another tin of Wilkins appears, only slightly bigger)

  • Wontkins: I don't drink Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: I wave it again!

(DING! Wontkins disappears)

Wilkins-the-great.jpg Magician Saw

Wilkins, dressed as a magician, is doing a sawing trick and Wontkins is volunteering:

  • Wilkins: This volunteer doesn't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!
  • Wontkins: I hope you know what you're doing!
  • Wilkins: Oh, I do!

(Wilkins saws vigorously)

Wilkinsmanoverboard.jpg Man Overboard

Wilkins, playing a sailor, and Wontkins, playing a sea captain, are riding a ship, the S.S. Wilkins:

  • Wilkins: How about some Wilkins Coffee, captain?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins overboard)

  • Wilkins: (quietly) I say, man overboard. Help.
Noimage.png Monster (remade for C & P Telephone Co. of VA, Claussen's Bakery, Kraml Dairy, Nash's and Kern's Bakery)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a brick wall.

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(A monster appears and swallows Wontkins whole)

  • Wilkins: Things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinsmountainclimbing.jpg Mountain Climbing (remade for La Touraine Coffee and Taystee Bread)

Wilkins and Wontkins are climbing a mountain. Wilkins is holding Wontkins with a rope:

  • Wilkins: Say, did you bring the Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I (Wilkins lets go the rope, causing Wontkins to plummet down ) forgooot...!
  • Wilkins: When you come back up, don't forget the Wilkins.
NewCarOrWilkins.jpg New Car or Wilkins Coffee?

Wontkins is the host of a quiz show, and Wilkins is the contestant.

  • Wontkins: You win a new car, or a case of Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wilkins: I'll take the Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: We'll never get rid of that car.
Wilkinsnoahsark.jpg Noah's Ark

Wilkins and Wontkins (playing Noah) are in their ark which is balanced on top of a cliff:

  • Wilkins: After forty days of this, Noah, I bet you wish we brought some Wilkins Coffee instead of those silly elephants.

(The silhouette of an elephant peeks its head out of the ark and bellows as Wontkins nods)

Wilkinsnobodybeatswilkins.jpg Nobody Beats Wilkins

Wilkins is behind a desk, next to him stands Wontkins.

  • Wilkins: You gonna run against the Wilkins Coffee party?
  • Wontkins: Start the race.
  • Wilkins: On-your-mark-get-set-go.

(Wilkins brandishes a gun and shoots Wontkins with it)

  • Wilkins: Nobody beats Wilkins.
Wilkinsnowhere.jpg Nowhere

Wilkins is sitting on a wall next to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: If you don't drink Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there.
  • Wontkins: Aw, that's a lotta...

(Wontkins disappears)

  • Wilkins: In fact, without Wilkins Coffee, you're nowhere.
Wilkinsoldmanwilkins.jpg Old Man Wilkins" (remade for La Touraine Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in front of a ton of Wilkins cans. Wontkins breaks the silence by saying...

  • Wontkins: When is Old Man Wilkins going to pay us for all this foolishness?
  • Wilkins: When we sell more Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: (to the camera) Buy Wilkins, will ya?
Wilkinsontheball.jpg On the Ball

Wilkins is holding a Wilkins Coffee ball above Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Wilkins coffee is on the ball.
  • Wontkins: Not to me it isn't.

(Wilkins slams the ball on Wontkins head)

  • Wilkins: Either get on the ball with Wilkins or get out of the way.
Wilkinsparachute.jpg Parachute

Wilkins leisurely floats in the sky with his parachute, while Wontkins plummets down rapidly with his folded parachute:

  • Wontkins: Help, help, my parachute won't open!
  • Wilkins: Try some Wilkins Instant Coffee! That'll give him a lift.
WilkinsPeterPeterCoffeeDrinker.png Peter Peter Coffee Drinker

(A still image of Wontkins, who plays Peter Peter Coffee Drinker, staring at a cup of coffee is seen)

  • Narrator: Peter Peter Coffee Drinker told his wife he couldn't sleep.

(Now, a still image of Wontkins standing next to Wilkins cross-dressing as Peter Peter Coffee Drinker's wife is seen)

  • Narrator: Now, Wilkins decaffeinated coffee...

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the can of coffee he's holding, leading to a still image of a unconscious Wontkins)

  • Narrator: ...lets him sleep so very well.
Pie.jpg Pie (remade for Community Coffee, Nash's Coffee, Martinson Coffee, Red Diamond Coffee, Calso Water, Frank's Beverages and Kraml Dairy.)

Wontkins is at a cafe where it serves Wilkins and pie. Wilkins is the waiter:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your pie?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just gimme the pie.

(A human hand shoves the pie into Wontkins' face.)

  • Wilkins: Sure you wouldn't like a cup of Wilkins to wash it down?
Wontkins shot in the head wiki.jpg Public Service Announcement

Wilkins is standing behind a wall holding a microphone while Wontkins is standing next to him:

  • Wilkins: Care for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I don't like coffee.

(A human hand comes into the frame holding a gun and shoots Wontkins in the head.)

  • Wilkins: This has been a public service announcement.
Wilkinsquizshow.jpg Quiz Show

Wilkins is the host of a quiz show, and Wontkins is the contestant:

  • Wilkins: The jackpot question: what is the finest coffee?
  • Wontkins: Well, you told me to say Wilkins.

(a buzzer sounds and the lights dim)

  • Wilkins: Another quiz show bites the dust.
Rock-a-Bye Baby

Wilkins sings to an infant Wontkins as he rocks his cradle:

  • Wilkins (singing): Rock-a-bye baby, in your cradle so fluffy; I can sleep too, 'cause I drink Wilkins Decaffienated Coffee

(baby Wontkins peeks out from the cradle)

Wilkinsrocketship1.jpg Rocket Ship (remade for Merita Bread, Community Coffee, Taystee Bread and Kraml Dairy.)

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a rocket:

  • Wilkins: Wilkins will be the first coffee on the Moon!

(The rocket ship blows up to pieces)

  • Wontkins: Now what?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee is still the best on Earth.
Wilkinsromeoandjuliet.jpg Romeo and Juliet

Wontkins and Wilkins are playing the roles of Romeo and Juliet respectively:

  • Wilkins: Wherefore art thou Romeo? And wherefore is my Wilkins instant coffee?
  • Wontkins: The coffee's all gone.
  • Wilkins: Well so am I.

(Wilkins walks off)

Wilkinsrose.png Rose in Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall next to a rose growing out from a can of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I grew this rose in Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: So I can have the beauty of a rose and *sniff* the fragrance of Wilkins.
Wilkinssantaclaus.jpg Santa Claus

Wilkins is dressed up as Santa Claus while Wontkins, dressed-up as a reindeer, is pulling a sled:

  • Wilkins: Merry Christmas! It's a joy to serve Wilkins Coffee to so many people at Christmas.
  • Wontkins: It's a joy to you! You're not pulling the sled!
Wilkinssleepingbeauty.jpg Sleeping Beauty

Wontkins is lying in bed dressed in drag as the Sleeping Beauty. Wilkins, playing the prince, enters the scene:

  • Wilkins: Awake, Sleeping Beauty, It's Prince Charming with Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't drink Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: I waited a hundred years for this old hag!
Wilkinssoggyromance.jpg Soggy Romance

Wilkins, wearing a wig, and Wontkins are cuddling in a forest:

  • Wilkins: Darling, if I marry you, will you keep me in Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Boy, will this be a soggy romance.
Wilkinsstagecoach.jpg Stagecoach (remade for Community Coffee)

Wontkins is standing next to Wilkins riding a stagecoach:

  • Wontkins: The Indians won't bother ya - all you've got's a shipment of Wilkins Coffee!

(The coach is now moving)

  • Wilkins: (With several arrows in his hat) Someday he's gonna learn that everybody drinks Wilkins!
Wilkinssteamroller.jpg Steamroller

Wontkins is standing on a wall, next to him there's a cup of coffee:

  • Wontkins: I'm gonna drink this coffee and it’s not Wilkins.

(Wilkins flattens Wontkins with a steamroller)

  • Wilkins: Doesn't that coffee taste kinda flat?
Wilkinshowdystranger.jpg Stranger
(Remade for La Touraine Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are wearing cowboy hats and bandanas. Wilkins has a gun drawn at Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Howdy stranger, I hear you don’t drink Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Yeah, so what?

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Now there're any other strangers in town?
Wilkinsshortcake.jpg Strawberry Shortcake

Wilkins is seen behind a bar counter, holding near Wontkins' face a plate of strawberry shortcake in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your strawberry shortcake?
  • Wontkins: Can't say that I do.

(Wilkins throws the shortcake on Wontkins, and then he pours the coffee on him)

  • Wilkins: You can’t say that you don't, either.
Wilkinssurvey.jpg Survey

Wilkins has a pad and pencil:

  • Wilkins: Next question: what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: It’s wonderful, Delicious.

(Wilkins turn to the audience)

  • Wilkins: You see, friends...
  • Wontkins: Now pay me the ten bucks.
Wilkinsswimmingpool.jpg Swimming Pool** (remade for Faygo and Frank's Beverages)

Wilkins is a lifeguard of a swimming pool:

  • Wilkins: I just filled my swimming pool with Wilkins Coffee.

(Wontkins falls into the pool)

  • Wontkins: Help, I'm drowning!
  • Wilkins: I told him he'd end up drinking Wilkins!
Wilkins taking the fifth.png Taking the Fifth

Wilkins is behind 4 cups of Wilkins Coffee in presumably his house. Wontkins notices the 4 cups and enters the scene:

  • Wontkins: That's your fourth cup of Wilkins Instant Coffee, have you had enough?
  • Wilkins: I refuse to answer.
  • Wontkins: Why?

(Wilkins holds up a fifth cup)

  • Wilkins: I'm taking the fifth!

(Wontkins, frustrated, leaves the scene)

Wilkinstarandfeathers.jpg Tar and Feathers
  • Wilkins: Anybody who doesn't drink Wilkins Coffee oughta be tarred and feathered, right?

(Wontkins pops into the frame covered in tar and feathers)

  • Wontkins: Wrong.
  • Wilkins: He always was a bad sport.
This Girl Has Taste.jpg This Girl Has Taste

Wilkins is talking on the telephone to his darling:

  • Wilkins: Hello.
  • Darling: Hi! Honey, why don't you come over for some coffee?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins coffee?
  • Darling: Of course.
  • Wilkins: This girl has taste.
Wilkinstonofwilkins.png Ton of Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a coffee storehouse:

  • Wontkins: You must buy this Wilkins Coffee by the ton.

(A crash is heard as the camera quickly shakes)

  • Wontkins: What was that?
  • Wilkins: Another ton of Wilkins just arrived.
Wilkins-train.jpg Trainload (remade for LaTouraine Coffee and Nash's Coffee)

Wontkins is standing on a railroad until Wilkins rushes frantically into the frame:

  • Wilkins: Look out, here comes my trainload of Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Why would you want a whole trainload of--?!

(The train comes into the frame and runs over Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: I like Wilkins.
Wilkinstree.jpg Tree

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a tree:

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(The tree falls on Wontkins head)

  • Wilkins: Things just seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinstruck.png Truckload of Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, watching the road. Wilkins is holding pen and paper. A truck passes:

  • Wilkins: One truckload of Wilkins Regular Coffee, check!

(A faster truck passes)

  • Wontkins: What was that?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Instant Coffee, check!
Wilkinstunneloflove.jpg Tunnel of Love (remade for Kraml Dairy and Nash's Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a boat, heading into the Tunnel of Love. Wilkins is dressed in a blond wig:

  • Wilkins: After this, would you buy me a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

(The boat enters the tunnel.)

  • Wontkins: No!

(A splash is heard. Cut to the other side of the tunnel. Wilkins emerges in the boat, alone.)

  • Wilkins: I only go for a man who drinks Wilkins.
Wilkins-antiviolence.jpg TV Anti-Violence League

Wilkins is sitting on a can of Wilkins coffee pointing a cannon on Wontkins, who's holding a sign reading "TV Anti-Violence League":

  • Wontkins: Now I'm not gonna drink anymore Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins brings down a curtain with "One Moment Please" written on it. He shoots Wontkins and quickly raises the curtain back up again)

  • Wilkins: Now he’s not going to drink any more coffee.
Wonktins Community Coffee TvColor.jpg TV Set (remade for Community Coffee)

Wontkins is watching a Wilkins Coffee commercial featuring Wilkins on TV:

  • Wilkins (on TV): Buy Wilkins Instant Coffee or else.
  • Wontkins: Or else what?

(Wilkins blows the TV set up destroying it)

  • Wontkins(to the audience): Buy Wilkins Instant Coffee. It’s cheaper than a television set.'
Wilkinswashingtonmonument.jpg Washington Monument

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to the Washington Monument:

  • Wilkins: How about a delicious cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(The monument falls on Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Strange things happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinswaterwithdinner.jpg Water with Dinner (remade for Faygo and Kraml Dairy)

Wontkins is dining in a cafe. Wilkins, working as a waiter, approaches:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your dinner?
  • Wontkins: Nah, gimme some water.

(Wilkins shoots water on Wontkins with a hose)

  • Wilkins: People like that need brainwashing.
Wilkinswhaleofacoffee.jpg Whale of a Coffee (remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are swimming in the ocean:

  • Wilkins: Let's go up to the surface for some Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I never touch the stuff.

(A whale comes into the frame and swallows Wontkins whole)

  • Wilkins: You should, It's a whale of a coffee.
Wilkinswhatkindofcoffeedoyousell.jpg What Kind of Coffee do You Sell?

Wilkins is seen behind a bar counter, selling coffee. Wontkins rushes in and says:

  • Wontkins: What kind of coffee do you sell?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Don't you have any other kind?
  • Wilkins: Sure we have it, but we don't sell it.
Wilkinswhynot.jpg Why Not

Wilkins is standing next to a Wilkins Coffee can in a black background.

  • Wilkins: If you like really good coffee, why not spend the extra money and get two cans of Wilkins.
  • Wontkins: Why not?
Wild Horses Couldn't Make Me.jpg Wild Horses

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a desert-like background. Wilkins has a cup and saucer and says to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Have a cup of Wilkins Instant Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Wild horses couldn't make me.

(Galloping noises from horses are heard as Wontkins starts shaking in fear)

  • Wontkins: Okay, okay, gimme a cup!
Wilkinswilliamtell.jpg William Tell (remade for Community Coffee and La Touraine Coffee)

Wilkins is William Tell, wielding a bow and arrow. Wontkins trembles an apple on his head:

  • Wontkins: Okay, William Tell, this better be good.
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: (offscreen) No.

(Wilkins aims the bow lower, and lets the arrow fly.)

  • Wilkins: We can still use the apple again.
You Can't Sell Them All

Wilkins is selling a car while holding its hood opened.

  • Wilkins: You’ll like this new car.
  • Wontkins: Yeah?
  • Wilkins: It’s got a built-in maker for Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Who needs it?

(Wilkins squashes Wontkins' head with the hood)

  • Wilkins: Well, you can't sell 'em all.
Wilkinstvset.jpg You Can't Win

Wontkins is watching a Wilkins Coffee commercial featuring Wilkins on his TV set, then he turns at the camera and says:

  • Wontkins: Those Wilkins Coffee commercials...

(Wilkins comes out the TV)

  • Wilkins: You don't like ‘em?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: Then let me fix your set.

(Wilkins blows Wontkins' TV up)

  • Wontkins: You can't win.

(Wontkins shakes his head)

Wilkinsyumyum.jpg Yum Yum

Wontkins is enjoying some Wilkins instant coffee powder in a saucer:

  • Wontkins: Yum! Yum! This Wilkins instant coffee is delicious.

(Wilkins shows up)

  • Wilkins: And it's even better when it's mixed with boiling water.

Transcripts of commercials for other companies with no known Wilkins variant, most of which were remakes as noted above.

Picture Description
Community Coffee Grenade.PNG Grenade (Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a foxhole, wearing shelter hats. Wilkins is holding a grenade:

  • Wilkins: Let’s take a Community Coffee break.
  • Wontkins: I don’t want any.
  • Wilkins: Then hold this while I have a cup.

(Wilkins hands Wontkins the grenade and zips away, just as the grenade explodes, blowing up Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Some people just go to pieces without Community Coffee.
Noimage.png On The Wagon (Calso Water)

Wilkins is seen laying on a toy wagon wearing a baby bonnet and cardigan while sipping some Calso Water; Wontkins, portrayed as his father and wearing a hat, enters the scene:

  • Wontkins: What's a young kid like you doing with a bottle of Calso Water?
  • Wilkins: I'm on the wagon, pop!

(Wilkins rolls off-screen on his wagon; Wontkins turns to the camera)

  • Wontkins: Fresh kid...
Noimage.png Sinking Man's Drink (Faygo)

Wontkins is sinking into the ocean. Wilkins arrives in a rowboat adorned with the Faygo logo on its side, holding a bottle of Faygo Strawberry soda.

  • Wontkins: I'm sinking, I'm sinking! Save me!
  • Wilkins: Have some Faygo Strawberry!
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: It's a "sinking man's" drink!

(Wontkins sinks completely underwater)

Community Coffee Stickup.jpg Stickup

Wilkins is the teller at a bank. Wontkins, dressed as a robber, enters:

  • Wontkins: This is a stickup! Gimme the money!
  • Wilkins: Sorry, I'm on my Community Coffee break.
  • Wontkins: C'mon, lemme have it!

(A machine gun pops out from under Wilkins' desk and shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: I hate interruptions.
Community Coffee Step right this way.jpg Step right this way

Wontkins comes in out of the snow, entering Wilkins' establishment.

  • Wontkins: Gimme a cup of coffee.
  • Wilkins: Community?
  • Wontiks: No, any old coffee.
  • Wilkins: Step right this way.

(Wilkins leads Wontkins to another door that goes outside, shutting the door behind him.)