Transcripts of known Wilkins Coffee commercials.

Picture Description
Wilkins$65.jpg $65

Wontkins is standing in front of a cafe. Wilkins, in hat and coat, steps into the frame and asks:

  • Wilkins: Got 65 dollars for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: 65 dollars?!
  • Wilkins: You want me to go in there looking like a bum?
Wilkins80dayswithwilkins.jpg 80 Days with Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen flying on a hot-air balloon, carrying a pile of Wilkins Coffee cans:

  • Wontkins: This thing's sinking. Better throw out that Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins out from the balloon)

  • Wilkins: Just me and Wilkins Instant for 80 whole days.
Wilkinsairplane.jpg Airplane

Wilkins and Wontkins are in an airplane, we see Wilkins dressed in drag as a hostess and Wontkins sitting in a passenger seat:

  • Wilkins: Have some Wilkins Coffee, sir?
  • Wontkins: If that’s all what you serve, I’ll get off at the next town.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins out from the suspended airplane)

  • Wilkins: Next town five miles straight down.
Wilkinsbadguymachine.jpg Bad Guy Machine

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a laboratory. Wontkins is inside a machine and Wilkins is behind a control-pad:

  • Wilkins: This machine tells if you're a good guy or bad guy.
  • Wontkins: How?
  • Wilkins: All good guys drink Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins turns on the machine, which hits Wontkins repeatedly with two mallets)

Wilkinsbandwagon.jpg Bandwagon
  • Wilkins: You gettin' on the Wilkins Coffee bandwagon?
  • Wontkins: Never.

(A bandwagon full of cheering people enters the frame and runs over Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: You either go with Wilkins or you just don't go.
Noimage.png Bank Robber

Wilkins, dressed in coat and hat, is standing in front of a safe. Wontkins comes in the frame dressed as a robber:

  • Wontkins: Stick 'em up, mac. What d'ya got in the safe?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What d'ya got in your wallet?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee, and you know what I got here?
  • Wontkins: No, what?

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!
Wilkinsbaseball.jpg Baseball

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a baseball field, Wontkins is seen as a batter while Wilkins plays the umpire:

  • Wontkins: Well, what was it? A ball or a strike?
  • Wilkins: You drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw.
  • Wilkins: Stee-rike three, You're out.
Noimage.png Beatnik

In a street alley a group of beatniks is seen sitting on the ground reading (presumably) beat poetry; Wilkins is also sitting there dressed as a fellow beatnik as he talks to a square-headed Wontkins :

  • Wilkins: Hey man, what makes you so square?
  • Wontkins: I don't drink Wilkins Coffee.

(A can of Wilkins Coffee tied to a rope swings on-screen hitting Wontkins on the head)

  • Wilkins: You should, it really swings!
Wilkinsbell.jpg Bell

Wilkins is standing next to a suspended bell holding a mallet, Wontkins enters the frame:

  • Wilkins: Hey, I wanna show you something about Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What?
  • Wilkins: Put your head in here.

(Wontkins puts his head inside the bell and Wilkins proceeds to hit it with the mallet.)

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee rings the bell.
WilkinsBestCoffeeIs....jpg Best Coffee is...
  • Wontkins: After much research, I found that the best coffee is...

(Wilkins interrupts Wontkins by pulling a curtain reading "Wilkins" in front of him)

  • Wilkins: He was probably gonna say Wilkins, but I couldn't take the chance.
Wilkins-Biplane.jpg Biplane

Wilkins and Wontkins are riding a biplane, with Wilkins as the pilot:

  • Wilkins: Got your parachute?
  • Wontkins: I forgot it.
  • Wilkins: How about the Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I forgot that too.

(Wilkins flips the plane upside down, causing Wontkins to fall)

  • Wilkins: He'll never forget this!
250px Blow Torch (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are working in a factory. Wilkins has a welder's mask and a blow torch. Wontkins has a cigar in his mouth:

  • Wontkins: Let’s take a break.
  • Wilkins: Ah, Wilkins Coffee time. Want a cup?
  • Wontkins: Naw gimme a light.

(Wilkins blasts the blowtorch in Wontkins' face. Wontkins is blackened, the cigar burnt to a crisp.)

  • Wilkins: He’s smoking more now and enjoying it less.
Wilkinsblowup.jpg Blow Up

Wilkins is sitting on a wall next to Wontkins

  • Wilkins: (manning a detonator) Y'know, people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee just blow up sometimes.
  • Wontkins: Aw that's a lotta...

(Wilkins presses down on the detonator, causing Wontkins to somehow explode)

  • Wilkins: See what I mean?
Wilkinsbostonteaparty1.jpg Boston Tea Party
  • Wontkins: Throw all the tea overboard, men.
  • Wilkins: (with a monocle, top hat, and British accent) I say this dreadful thing would never have happened if we'd sent them Wilkins Tea.
Wilkins-Boxing.jpg Boxing Glove

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing in front of a coffee machine:

  • Wilkins: Put your money in here and you get a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't want any.
  • Wilkins: Then push that button.

(Wilkins pushes the button, a boxing glove springs out from the machine hitting Wontkins in the face)

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins?

Wilkinsbrandx.jpg Brand X(remade for Merita Bread; Claussen's Bakery and Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in the desert wearing cowboy hats:

  • Wilkins: How about a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah let me have Brand X.
  • Wilkins: Okay!

(Wilkins marks Wontkins with a branding iron he's wielding)

  • Wilkins: OOOH THAT SMARTS!
Wilkins-Camera.jpg Camera

Wilkins is holding a camera next to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: With this camera, I shoot pictures of people who don't drink Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I'm ready, shoot.

(Wilkins literally shoots Wontkins with the camera)

  • Wilkins: Anybody else?
Wilkinscannibalscene.jpg Cannibal Scene

Wilkins and Wontkins are inside a huge coffee cup, surrounded by cannibals:

  • Wilkins: Hey, the cannibals are boiling us in Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Yeah So what?
  • Wilkins: I was beginning to think you’d never join me in a cup of Wilkins!

(Wontkins faints)

Wilkinscannon.jpg Cannon

Wilkins is seen sitting on a can of Wilkins Coffee next to a cannon pointed at Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Okay buddy, What do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: I never tasted it.

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins, and then points the cannon at the viewer)

  • Wilkins: Now what do you think of Wilkins?
Wilkins Coffee2.jpg Car Salesman

Wilkins parked Wontkins' car in the "Super-Safe Parking". Unfortunately, the car is destroyed:

  • Wontkins: What happened to my car?
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Naw, so what?
  • Wilkins: Well, things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkins75cents.png Cash Register

Wilkins is sitting behind a bar counter:

  • Wilkins: Lunch with Wilkins Coffee: 75 cents.
  • Wontkins: I didn't drink the Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: That's one dollar even. It pays to drink Wilkins.
Wilkinscheepcheep.jpg Cheep Cheep (remade for Dugan's Bread and LaTouraine Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall with two cans of coffee, Wilkins Coffee and Cheap Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I have Wilkins Coffee and another kind of coffee.
  • Wontkins: I want the cheap stuff!

(Two birds come out the Cheap Coffee can)

  • Birds: Cheep! Cheep! Cheep!
  • Wilkins: Sorry, but that other coffee is for the birds.
Wilkinsclimbingtree.jpg Climbing Tree(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a tree:

  • Wontkins: Why are we climbing this tree?
  • Wilkins: For Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't want any.

(Wilkins kicks Wontkins, making him fall down from the tree)

  • Wilkins: It's autumn and the nuts are beginning to fall.
Wilkinscloseshave.jpg Close Shave

Wilkins is a mustached barber, in a white coat. Wontkins is on the barber chair, with his face covered in shaving cream:

  • Wontkins: Give me a close shave.
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Never.

(Wilkins brandishes a huge razor.)

  • Wilkins: My friend, this is gonna be the closest shave you ever had.
Wilkinsclub.jpg Club

Wilkins is sitting on a wall, Wontkins approaches:

  • Wilkins: We're here to persuade people to drink more Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What's the club for?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a club he's holding)

  • Wilkins: To get their attention.
Wilkinscoffeebreak.jpg Coffee Break

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen as construction workers, sitting on a high-level girder:

  • Wilkins: Coffee break. Want a cup of Wilkins?
  • Wontkins: No thank you.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins down the girder)

  • Wilkins: Now all our workers drink Wilkins.
Wilkinscommie.jpg Communist Store

Wontinks is selling coffee in a Communist store, Wilkins, in Russian clothes, enters in:

  • Wilkins: Gimme some Party Line Coffee.
  • Wontkins: How about some Wilkins, comrade?
  • Wilkins: (gasp) That's Capitalist coffee, you traitor! (quietly) Send two pounds to the back door.
Wilkinsconvincingmachine.jpg Convincing Machine

Wontkins is in front of a machine with several mallets attached to a wheel. Wilkins is holding a lever:

  • Wontkins: What's that?
  • Wilkins: This machine convinces people that Wilkins Coffee is great.
  • Wontkins: Impossible.

(Wilkins pulls the lever and turns on the machine and the mullets start to hit Wontkins in quick succession)

  • Wontkins: Ooh, I’m convinced!
Wilkins Coffee Is The Best You Can Buy.jpg Cut the Kidding

Wilkins is speaking to Mr. Wilkins on the telephone. Wontkins enters in:

(Sped up speaking from Mr. Wilkins is heard on the telephone)

  • Wilkins: But... But...
  • Wontkins: What's wrong?
  • Wilkins: Mr. Wilkins said cut the kidding and tell them that Wilkins Decaffeinated Coffee is the best you can buy.

(They both nod to the viewers)

Wilkinscutup.jpg Cut Up

Wontkins is tied with ropes on a conveyor belt, slowly coming closer to a huge buzzsaw.

  • Wilkins: If you don't start drinking Wilkins Coffee, I'll make you into two by fours.
  • Wontkins: I should've saw this coming.
  • Wilkins: He always was a cut-up.
Wilkinsdeathdefyingleap.PNG Death Defying Leap (remade for Community Coffee and Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins is seen holding a bucket labeled "DEATH-DEFYING DIVE"

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee before you jump?
  • Wontkins: (offscreen) No.

(Wilkins moves the bucket out of the way, as Wontkins plunges to the floor.)

  • Wilkins: You miss a lot when you don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinsdesertisland.jpg Desert Island

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen stuck in a desert island

  • Wontkins: Did you put a note in that bottle last week?
  • Wilkins: Sure, I did.
  • Wontkins: What did you say?
  • Wilkins: I said, "Send us more Wilkins Coffee."
Wilkinsdidyoucall.jpg Did you Call?

Wontkins is seen alone on a desert island.

  • Wontkins: I wouldn't admit this if I wasn't alone, but... I really do like Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins Coffee pops out from behind a hill carrying a sign reading "Wilkins Coffee")

  • Wilkins: Did you call?!
  • Wontkins: (gasps)
Wilkinsgiveimtheeggs.jpg Eggs

Wilkins is standing behind a bar counter, Wontkins rushes onto the frame and cries:

  • Wontkins: Give me the eggs and no Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Give him the eggs, boys!

(Eggs are thrown at Wontkins' face from off-screen)

  • Wilkins: A meal without Wilkins is a mess. (despite the mess, Wotnkins eats the eggs)
Elevator.jpg Elevator

Elevators doors in a department store open revealing Wilkins as an elevator operator and Wontkins.

  • Wilkins: Tenth floor: pot, pans, home furnishing, and Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wilkins: Sure, you can't keep house without Wilkins.
Wilkinsengarde.jpg En Garde

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen as two fencers:

  • Wilkins: En garde, Salute Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins is shown alone, with a blood-covered blade)

  • Wilkins: Some learn, some don't...
Wilkinsespionage.jpg Espionage

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a dark alley. Wilkins is wearing hat and trench coat:

  • Wilkins: I can get you Wilkins Coffee for a price.
  • Wontkins: I wouldn't touch it.

(A bullet shot off-screen hits Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: There's no future in an attitude like that.
Wilkinsfairdamsel.jpg Fair Damsel

Wontkins, dressed in drag impersonating a fair damsel, is imprisoned in a castle tower

  • Wontkins: Help, I've been imprisoned.

(From below the tower, Wilkins stands wearing a knight armor)

  • Wilkins: Why, fair damsel?
  • Wontkins I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Well, that's the way the old ball bounces.
Falling Safe

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing on a street corner. Wilkins is holding a string tied to something out of view.

  • Wontkins: Hey, where can I get a cup of coffee?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Any kind of coffee.

(Wilkins pulls the string. A safe drops on Wontkins' head, crushing him.)

  • Wilkins: I guess he must be what you'd call accident-prone.
Noimage.png Fired(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wontkins, covered in flammable material, is standing on a wall:

  • Wontkins: Old Man Wilkins hired me to sell his crummy Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(Mr. Wilkins' hand pops onto the frame holding a match and proceeds to set fire to Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: I think he just fired you too.
Wilkinsfiveaces.jpg Five Aces

Wilkins and Wontkins (with a cigar or cigarette in his mouth) are playing cards, sitting around a table, in a dark room:

  • Wontkins: I've got five aces. Can you beat that?
  • Wilkins: I've got a can of Wilkins Coffee.

(Wilkins brings on the table a can of Wilkins Coffee and shoots Wontkins with a gun.)

  • Wilkins: Nothing beats Wilkins.
Wilkinsfootdown.jpg Footdown** (remade for Kern's Bakery and Claussen's Bakery)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, while Wilkins is holding a cup of coffee:

  • Wilkins: Want a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: What'll Mr. Wilkins do if I don't?

(Mr. Wilkins crushes Wontkins with his foot)

  • Wilkins: Oh, he'll probably put his foot down.
Wilkinsgoodbetterbest.jpg Good, Better, Best(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wontkins is standing behind a wall, next to him stands Wilkins menacingly holding a club:

  • Wontkins: Wilkins makes good coffee.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the club)

  • Wontkins: Uh... better coffee?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins again)

  • Wontkins: Ouch, Wilkins makes the best coffee!!
  • Wilkins: Congratulations.
Wilkinsgetalift.jpg Get A Lift
  • Wilkins: You sure get a lift from Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Not me, I...

(Suddenly, Wontkins quickly levitates off-screen)

  • Wilkins: And not drinking Wilkins might be your downfall.

(Wontkins falls back down, bouncing on the floor)

Wilkinsghosttoghost.jpg Ghost To Ghost

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting in a dark spooky setting adorned with cobwebs as two ghostly version of Wilkins float about while holding tea cups:

  • Wontkins: What are those spooks doing?
  • Wilkins: Serving Wilkins Tea. It's out of this world.
  • Ghostly Wilkins: Finest tea served, "ghost to ghost".

(Wontkins runs off-screen in terror)

Wilkinsgingerale.jpg Ginger Ale

Wilkins is a clerk sitting behind the counter of a grocery store, Wontkins enters the frame:

  • Wilkins: You want a can of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, give me a bottle of ginger ale.
  • Wilkins: Okay!

(Wilkins smashes a bottle onto Wontkins' head)

  • Wilkins: But you would've liked the Wilkins.
Noimage.png Grenade (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a foxhole, wearing shelter hats. Wilkins is holding a grenade:

  • Wilkins: Let’s take a Wilkins Coffee break.
  • Wontkins: I don’t want any.
  • Wilkins: Then hold this while I have a cup.

(Wilkins zips away and the grenade explodes on Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Some people just go to pieces without their Wilkins Coffee.
Wilkinsguillotine.jpg Guilottine

Wontkins is standing behind a guillotine, while Wilkins is holding the blade up with a rope.

  • Wilkins: This machine will make you want a cup of Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Not me. I’ll-...

(Wilkins lets go of the rope and the blade slides down, narrowly missing Wontkins)

  • Wontkins: Take mine with cream and sugar.
Wilkinshammer.jpg Hammer

Wilkins is batting a nail on a wall:

  • Wilkins: Boy, this hammer... (bang) ...reminds me Wilkins Coffee. (bang)
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: Because it always... (bang) ...hits the spot.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins on his head with the hammer)

Wilkinshandoffate.jpg Hand Of Fate

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a storage room that holds dozens of cans of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wontkins: One of us has to go: me or this Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wilkins: Let's leave it to the hand of fate.

(A human hand appears from above the frame, grabs Wontkins by his head and brings him back above the frame)

  • Wilkins: He must drink Wilkins too.
Wilkinshiddenpersuaders.jpg Hidden Persuaders

Wilkins is sitting behind a desk, next to him we see Wontkins:

  • Wontkins: You can't persuade me to drink Wilkins Instant Coffee...
  • Wilkins: Pretty please?

(Wilkins turns off the lights and quickly stabs Wontkins with a knife)

  • Wontkins: Ouch, okay!

(Wilkins turns the lights back on)

  • Wilkins: Just a stab in the dark.
Wilkinshouseisnotahome.jpg House is Not a Home

Wontkins is inside a small house, nearby we see Wilkins holding a bomb.

  • Wilkins: You have any Wilkins Coffee in your house?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins throws the bomb in Wontkins' house and runs away)

  • Wilkins: Y'know, a house isn't a home without Wilkins Coffee.

(The house blows-up)

Wilkinshowinstant.jpg How Instant

Wilkins is seen using a payphone:

  • Wilkins: Hello, grocery store? Send me some Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(Coffee sprays out from the telephone)

  • Wilkins: (gurgling) How instant can you get?
Wilkinshowlowcanyouget.jpg How Low Can You Get?

Wilkins and Wontkins are walking down a city street:

  • Wilkins: You won't find anybody who doesn't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I'll look high and low...

(Wontkins falls into an open manhole)

  • Wilkins: How low can you get?
Wilkinshowshocking.jpg How Shocking

Wontkins is tied up on a electric chair, while Wilkins is next to him holding a switch:

  • Wilkins: Any last requests, like for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: You don't drink Wilkins?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: How shocking.

(Wilkins is shown throwing a switch)

Wilkinsidgiveamillionbucks.jpg I'd Give a Million Bucks

Wilkins is lying under a tree:

  • Wilkins: Boy, I'd give a million bucks for a cup of Wilkins Coffee.

(A cup of coffee appears in his lap)

  • Wontkins: (appearing beside him) Okay, buster, pay up.
Wilkinsjackinthebox.jpg Jack in the Box

Wontkins is staring at a present box, Wilkins rushes in and announces:

  • Wilkins: It's your present from Mr. Wilkins.
  • Wontkins: But I don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.

(A Jack pops out the box)

  • Wilkins: I know, he just wanted to be remembered!
Noimage.png Jailhouse (remade for Faygo and Kraml Dairy)

Wilkins is a judge. Wontkins stands in the dock.

  • Wilkins: Why were you speeding?
  • Wontkins: I wanted a cup of coffee.
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just any old kind.

(A rattle of keys as a prison door slams on Wontkins' face.)

  • Wontkins: Next time, I’ll say Wilkins.
Noimage.png Jingle in Bed

Wilkins and Wontkins are sleeping together in a double bed. Wilkins sits up in bed and sings a Wilkins jingle.

  • Wilkins: More and more people are waking UP to Wilkins Coffee!

(Wontkins wakes up.)

  • Wontkins: Be quiet, I’m trying to sleep.

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with a club. Wontkins falls back on the pillow.)

  • Wilkins: Some people go to sleep with it. Wilkins Decaffeinated, of course.
Wilkinsjustchecking.jpg Just Checking

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing behind a wall, Wilkins is holding a stamp.

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No I don't. Why?

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the stamp, leaving a check mark on him)

  • Wilkins: Just checking...
Wilkinsjustkidding.jpg Just Kidding(remade for Dugan's Bread)

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing behind a wall.

  • Wilkins: I love these Wilkins Coffee commercials, don't you?
  • Wontkins: I'm tired of ‘em.

(The set explodes, as Wilkins and Wontkins hide in terror behind the destroyed wall)

  • Wontkins: Just kidding, Mr. Wilkins!!
Wilkinsknifethrower.jpg Knife Thrower

Wilkins, playing a knife thrower, is about to throw a knife at Wontkins, who is standing in front of a target while wearing bandages all over his body.

  • Wontkins: Watch out where you throw those knives.
  • Wilkins: Are you drinking Wilkins Instant Coffee, yet?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins is now wearing a napkin on his eyes)

  • Wilkins: Okay, let's try it blind-folded.

(Wontkins faints)

Wilkinsletseveryonesleep.jpg Lets Everyone Sleep

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a brick wall, in front of a starry background, while a can of coffee is suspended in the air by a rope.

  • Wilkins: Wilkins Decaffeinated Coffee lets you sleep.
  • Wontkins: Not me, I don't drink it.

(The can hits Wontkins, making him faint)

  • Wilkins: It lets everyone sleep.
RedRidingWilkins.jpg Little Red Riding Hood

Wilkins enters a small cottage dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and as he approaches the bed he says :

  • Wilkins: Grandma, it's Little Red Riding Hood with your Wilkins Coffee.

(Wontkins reveals himself under the bedsheets sporting wolf ears)

  • Wontkins: I'm the bad wolf and I just ate your grandma.
  • Wilkins: Well, have some Wilkins to wash her down.

(Wontkins hides back under the sheets in frustration)

Wilkinslostmyhead.jpg Lost my Head

Wilkins is seen with his head floating.

  • Wontkins: What happened to you?
  • Wilkins: I lost my head over Wilkins Instant Coffee. Have a cup?

(Wontkins runs away)

  • Wontkins: YEEOOOOOW!
  • Wilkins: Whaddya suppose upset him?
Noimage.png Love My Wilkins / Psychiatrist (remade for Kern's Bakery and Kraml Dairy.)

Wilkins is hugging a package of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I really love my Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: You oughta see a psychiatrist.
  • Wilkins: I did, he told me about Wilkins. I used to love my raincoat.

(Wilkins snuggles against the package.)

Wilkinsmanoverboard.jpg Man Overboard

Wilkins, playing a sailorman, and Wontkins, playing a sea captain, are riding a ship, the S.S. Wilkins:

  • Wilkins: How about some Wilkins Coffee, captain?
  • Wontkins: No.

(Wilkins throws Wontkins overboard)

  • Wilkins: (quietly) I say, man overboard. Help.
Noimage.png Monster (remade for C & P Telephone Co. of VA, Claussen's Bakery, Kraml Dairy, Nash's and Kern's Bakery)

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a brick wall.

  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(A monster appears and swallows Wontkins whole)

  • Wilkins: Things seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinsmountainclimbing.jpg Mountain Climbing

Wilkins and Wontkins are climbing a mountain. Wilkins is holding Wontkins with a rope:

  • Wilkins: Hey, did you bring Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I (Wilkins lets go the rope, causing Wontkins to plummet down ) forgooot...!
  • Wilkins: When you come back up, don't forget the Wilkins.
NewCarOrWilkins.jpg New Car or Wilkins Coffee?

Wilkins is selling a car while holding its hood opened.

  • Wilkins: You’ll like this new car.
  • Wontkins: Yeah?
  • Wilkins: It’s got a built-in maker for Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Who needs it?

(Wilkins squashes Wontkins' head with the hood)

  • Wilkins: Well, you can't sell 'em all.
Wilkinsnoahsark.jpg Noah's Ark

Wilkins and Wontkins (playing Noah) are in their ark which is balanced on top of a cliff:

  • Wilkins: After forty days of this, Noah, I bet you wish we brought some Wilkins Coffee instead of those silly elephants.

(The silhouette of an elephant peeks its head out of the ark and bellows)

Wilkinsnobodybeatswilkins.jpg Nobody Beats Wilkins

Wilkins is behind a desk, next to him stands Wontkins.

  • Wilkins: You gonna run against the Wilkins Coffee party?
  • Wontkins: Start the race.
  • Wilkins: On-your-mark-get-set-go.

(Wilkins brandishes a gun and shoots Wontkins with it)

  • Wilkins: Nobody beats Wilkins.
Wilkinsnowhere.jpg Nowhere

Wilkins is sitting on a wall next to Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: If you don't drink Wilkins Coffee, you're not all there.
  • Wontkins: Aw, that's a lotta...

(Wontkins disappears)

  • Wilkins: In fact, without Wilkins Coffee, you're nowhere.
Wilkinsoldmanwilkins.jpg Old Man Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are in front of a ton of Wilkins cans. Wontkins breaks the silence by saying...

  • Wontkins: When is Old Man Wilkins going to pay us for all this foolishness?
  • Wilkins: When we sell more Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: (to the camera) Buy Wilkins, will ya?
Noimage.png On The Wagon(remade for Calso Water)

Wilkins is seen laying on a toy wagon wearing a baby bonnet and cardigan while sipping some Wilkins Coffee; Wontkins, wearing a hat, enters the scene.

  • Wontkins: What is a little kid like you doing drinking Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wilkins: I'm on the wagon, pops.

(Wilkins rolls off-screen on his wagon; Wontkins turns to the camera)

  • Wontkins: Fresh kid...
Wilkinsparachute.jpg Parachute

Wilkins leisurely floats in the sky with his parachute, while Wontkins plummets down rapidly with his folded parachute.

  • Wontkins: Help, help, my parachute won't open!
  • Wilkins: Try some Wilkins Instant Coffee! That'll give him a lift.
WilkinsPeterPeterCoffeeDrinker.png Peter Peter Coffee Drinker

(A still image of Wontkins, who plays Peter Peter Coffee Drinker, staring at a cup of coffee is seen)

  • Narrator: Peter Peter Coffee Drinker told his wife he couldn't sleep.

(Now, a still image of Wontkins standing next to Wilkins cross-dressing as Peter Peter Coffee Drinker's wife is seen)

  • Narrator: Now, Wilkins decaffeinated coffee...

(Wilkins hits Wontkins with the can of coffee he's holding, leading to a still image of a unconscious Wontkins)

  • Narrator: ...lets him sleep so very well.
Pie.jpg Pie

(Wontkins is at a cafe where it serves Wilkins and Pie. Wilkins is the waiter)

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your pie?
  • Wontkins: Nah, just gimme the pie.

(A human hand splats the pie at Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Sure you wouldn't like a cup of Wilkins to wash it down?
Wontkins shot in the head wiki.jpg Public Service Announcement

Wilkins is standing behind a wall holding a microphone while Wontkins is standing next to him.

  • Wilkins: Care for a cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No, I don't like coffee.

(A human hand comes into the frame holding a gun and shoots Wontkins in the head)

  • Wilkins: This has been a public service.
Wilkinsquizshow.jpg Quiz Show

Wontkins is the host of a Quiz Show, while Wilkins is the contestant:

  • Wontkins: You win a new car, or a case of Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wilkins: I'll take the Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: We'll never get rid of that car.
Wilkinsrocketship1.jpg Rocket Ship (remade for Merita Bread and Kraml Dairy.)

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a rocket ship:

  • Wilkins: Wilkins will be the first coffee on the Moon!

(The rocket ship blows up to pieces)

  • Wontkins: Now what?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee is still the best on Earth.
Wilkinsrose.png Rose in Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall next to a rose growing out from a can of Wilkins Coffee:

  • Wilkins: I grew this rose in Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Why?
  • Wilkins: So I can have the beauty of a rose *sniff* and the fragrance of Wilkins.
Wilkinssantaclaus.jpg Santa Claus

Wilkins is dressed up as Santa Claus while Wontkins, dressed-up as a reindeer, is pulling a sled:

  • Wilkins: Merry Christmas, It's a joy to serve Wilkins Coffee to so many people at Christmas.
  • Wontkins: If it's a joy to you, you're not pulling the sled.
Wilkinssleepingbeauty.jpg Sleeping Beauty

Wontkins is lying in bed dressed in drag as the Sleeping Beauty. Wilkings, playing the prince, enters the scene:

  • Wilkins: Awake, Sleeping Beauty, It's Prince Charming with Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I don't drink Wilkins.
  • Wilkins: I waited a hundred years for this old hag!
Wilkinscrystalball.jpg Snikliw the Swamee

Wilkins is a fortune-teller and Wontkins is his customer:

  • Wilkins: I see you don't drink Wilkins Instant Coffee.
  • Wontkins: What about my future?
  • Wilkins: I hate to tell you, but...

(Wilkins blows up Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: You don't have a future.
Wilkinssoggyromance.jpg Soggy Romance

Wilkins, wearing a wig, and Wontkins are cuddling a forest:

  • Wilkins: Darling, if I marry you, will you keep me in Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Boy, will this be a soggy romance.
Wilkinsstagecoach.jpg Stagecoach

Wontkins is standing next to Wilkins riding a coach:

  • Wontkins: The Indians won't bother ya. All you've got is a shipment of Wilkins Coffee.

(The coach is now moving)

  • Wilkins: (With several arrows in his hat) He’ll learn that everybody drinks Wilkins.
Wilkinssteamroller.jpg Steamroller

Wontkins is standing on a wall, next to him there's a cup of coffee:

  • Wontkins: I'm gonna drink this coffee and it’s not Wilkins.

(Wilkins flattens Wontkins with a steamroller)

  • Wilkins: Doesn't that coffee taste kinda flat?
Wilkinshowdystranger.jpg Stranger

Wilkins and Wontkins are wearing cowboy hats and bandannas. Wilkins has a gun drawn at Wontkins:

  • Wilkins: Howdy stranger, I hear you don’t drink Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: Yeah, so what?

(Wilkins shoots Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Now there're any other strangers in town?
Wilkinsshortcake.jpg Strawberry Shortcake

Wilkins is seen behind a bar counter, holding near Wontkins' face a plate of strawberry shortcake in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your strawberry shortcake?
  • Wontkins: Can't say that I do.

(Wilkins throws the shortcake on Wontkins, and then he pours the coffee on him)

  • Wilkins: You can’t say that you don't, either.
Noimage.png Survey

Wilkins has a pad and pencil:

  • Wilkins: Next question: what do you think of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: It’s wonderful, Delicious.

(Wilkins turn to the audience)

  • Wilkins: You see, friends...
  • Wontkins: Now pay me the ten bucks.
Wilkinsswimmingpool.jpg Swimming Pool** (remade for Faygo)

Wilkins is a lifeguard of a swimming pool:

  • Wilkins: I just filled my swimming pool with Wilkins Coffee.

(Wontkins falls into the pool)

  • Wontkins: Help, I'm drowning!
  • Wilkins: I told him he'll end up drinking Wilkins!
Wilkinstarandfeathers.jpg Tar and Feathers
  • Wilkins: Anybody who doesn't drink Wilkins Coffee oughta be tarred and feathered, right?

(Wontkins pops into the frame covered in tar and feathers)

  • Wontkins: Wrong.
  • Wilkins: He always was a bad sport.
Wilkinstonofwilkins.png Ton of Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are seen in a coffee storehouse:

  • Wontkins: You must buy this Wilkins Coffee by the ton.

(A crash is heard as the camera quickly shakes)

  • Wontkins: What was that?
  • Wilkins: Another ton of Wilkins just arrived.
Wilkins-train.jpg Trainload (remade for LaTouraine Coffee)

Wontkins is standing on a railroad until Wilkins rushes frantically into the frame:

  • Wilkins: Look out, Here comes my trainload of Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Why would you want a whole trainload of--?!

(The train comes into the frame and runs over Wontkins.)

  • Wilkins: I like Wilkins.
Wilkinstree.jpg Tree

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to a tree:

  • Wilkins: You drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(The tree falls on Wontkins head)

  • Wilkins: Things just seem to happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinstruck.png Truckload of Wilkins

Wilkins and Wontkins are sitting on a wall, watching the road. Wilkins is holding pen and paper. A truck passes:

  • Wilkins: One truckload of Wilkins regular Coffee, check.

(A faster truck passes)

  • Wontkins: What was that?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins instant Coffee. check.
Noimage.png Tunnel of Love (remade for Kraml Dairy)

Wilkins and Wontkins are in a boat, heading into the Tunnel of Love. Wilkins is dressed in a blond wig and white blouse:

  • Wilkins: After this, would you buy me a cup of Wilkins Coffee?

(The boat enters the tunnel.)

  • Wontkins: No.

(A splash is heard. Cut to the other side of the tunnel. Wilkins emerges in the boat, alone.)

  • Wilkins: I only go for a man who drinks Wilkins.
Wilkins-antiviolence.jpg TV Anti-Violence League

Wilkins is sitting on a can of Wilkins coffee pointing a cannon on Wontkins, who's holding a sign reading "TV Anti-Violence League":

  • Wontkins: Now I'm not gonna drink anymore Wilkins Instant Coffee!

(Wilkins brings down a curtain with "One Moment Please" written on it. He shoots Wontkins and quickly raises the curtain back up again)

  • Wilkins: Now he’s not going to drink any more coffee.
Wonktins Community Coffee TvColor.jpg TV Set (remade for Community Coffee)

Wontkins is watching a Wilkins Coffee commercial featuring Wilkins on TV:

  • Wilkins (on TV): Buy Wilkins Instant Coffee or else.
  • Wontkins: Or else what?

(Wilkins blows the TV set up destroying it)

  • Wontkins(to the audience): Buy Wilkins Instant Coffee. It’s cheaper than a television set.'
Wilkinswashingtonmonument.jpg Washington Monument

Wilkins and Wontkins are standing next to the Washington Monument:

  • Wilkins: How about a delicious cup of Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: No.

(The monument falls on Wontkins)

  • Wilkins: Strange things happen to people who don't drink Wilkins.
Wilkinswaterwithdinner.jpg Water with Dinner

Wontkins is dining in a cafe. Wilkins, working as a waiter, approaches:

  • Wilkins: Want some Wilkins Coffee with your dinner?
  • Wontkins: Nah, gimme some water.

(Wilkins shoots water on Wontkins with a hose)

  • Wilkins: People like that need brainwashing.
Wilkinswhaleofacoffee.jpg Whale(remade for Red Diamond Coffee)

Wilkins and Wontkins are swimming in the ocean:

  • Wilkins: Let's s go up to the surface for some Wilkins Coffee.
  • Wontkins: I never touch the stuff.

(A whale comes into the frame and swallows Wontkins whole)

  • Wilkins: You should, It's a whale of a coffee.
Wilkinswhatkindofcoffeedoyousell.jpg What Kind of Coffee do You Sell?

Wilkins is seen behind a bar counter, selling coffee. Wilkins rushes in and says:

  • Wontkins: What kind of coffee do you sell?
  • Wilkins: Wilkins Coffee!
  • Wontkins: Don't you have any other kind?
  • Wilkins: Sure we have it, but we don't sell it.
Wilkinswhynot.jpg Why Not
  • Wilkins: If you like really good coffee, why not spend the extra money and get two cans of Wilkins.
  • Wontkins: Why not?
Wild Horses Couldn't Make Me.jpg Wild Horses
  • Wilkins: Have a cup of Wilkins Instant Coffee?
  • Wontkins: Wild horses couldn't make me.

(Horse fast galloping noises are heard)

  • Wontkins: Okay, okay, gimme a cup!
Wilkinswilliamtell.jpg William Tell (remade for Community Coffee)

Wilkins is William Tell, wielding a bow and arrow. Wontkins trembles an apple on his head:

  • Wontkins: Okay, William Tell, this better be good.
  • Wilkins: Do you drink Wilkins Coffee?
  • Wontkins: (offscreen) No.

(Wilkins aims the bow lower, and lets the arrow fly.)

  • Wilkins: We can still use the apple again.
Wilkinstvset.jpg You Can't Win

Wontkins is watching a Wilkins Coffee commercial featuring Wilkins on his TV set, then he turns at the camera and says:

  • Wontkins: Those Wilkins Coffee commercials...

(Wilkins comes out the TV)

  • Wilkins: You don't like ‘em?
  • Wontkins: No.
  • Wilkins: Then let me fix your set.

(Wilkins blows Wontkins' TV up)

  • Wontkins: You can't win.

(Wontkins shakes his head)

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